After a bit of thought, and a little advice from friends and a wonderful program that provides a way of living, some things are clearer, such as the reasoning behind my frustration and desire to stop at this undeserved station.
There are times when my pride gets in the way of my vision, especially the vision of myself that I wish to project upon the world. My frustration is not with the other people, it is in my own shortcomings, frustrated that I am not a writer first, and then a former adult star. Frustrated that I did make a lot of money and waste it on superfluous bullshit, thus leaving me in the state of unease where finances are concerned. Frustrated that people would question my sobriety, or suggest to go out and “get a job” (as has been the case occasionally).
It is amazing how pride works in my life and in my mind, and how the opposite of pride functions with an equal amount of vigor, amazing how both can be working simultaneously, and be completely debilitating. For instance, it is amazing that I can be proud of how far I’ve come, and yet feel ashamed that I have nothing to put on a resume. It’s amazing that I can be prideful that I’ve a literary agent who will represent the memoir I’m writing, but afraid that if wikipedia says former pornstar first it is all people will remember of me. I’m so proud that I’m more, and afraid that I’ve always been less. It’s an awe inspiring juxtaposition of emotions, and these emotions polarity suggests that I need to search for myself somewhere in the middle.
I am powerless over what people do with my page on wikipedia, and it is a place for others to see who I am, not for me to look at myself. I need nothing to do with whatever is on there because it will simply inflate my ego, and allow me another place to talk about myself. I need to stay out of the way of those higher than myself, such as the wikipedia admin, and allow life to happen just as it happens. I need to only look at myself through my eyes, not the eyes and words of others, and that is what will push me forward in this recovery.
I am powerless over what people say about me, and cannot concern myself with governing their lives or the way they think~ or think of me. That is me playing god, a job with far too much responsibility for my shoulders to carry, and it’s that kind of arrogance (me thinking I know what is best for others to say or think of me) that will land me right where I started, or as the case may be, left off. I made a decision to let something higher than myself drive this car, and it took some strong words to remind me that I’d made that decision.
The fact that I became so defensive about my freckled past tells me that there are some things I still find difficult in swallowing about myself and the place I’ve arrived from. And the truth of the matter is, there is no arriving, no finish line that I can cross that will signify the end of this journey (or at times, struggle). There are only the day to day activities I can participate in that will allow me the serenity, the peace of mind that I need to live with myself. Acceptance is key, and it starts with me accepting myself, regardless of whether others accept me or not. This is something I need to work on apparently, and while I can easily accept that I am, in fact, a former adult actress, I still struggle with the notion that this is a title I will have to accept for the rest of my life. Something inside me wishes that I could just erase it from my title-not my life, just my title. I don’t mind that I’ve done it but I don’t always want to be known for having done it. But it’s just something I have to swallow in full, because it is a part of who I am. I will always have brown eyes. Just because I can wear colored contacts does not take away the fact that I still have brown eyes. But it isn’t the color of my eyes that make up who I am as a person. And today, I am a good person.
So note to self for future reference: Pause. Think about why I am really frustrated and my part in the frustration, remember that sometimes, taking no action is the only action worth taking. I am exactly where I need to be today, at this moment, and I’m pleased with the person I’ve become, regardless of the person I once was.