My day started early, and is ending somewhat late. There has been a ton of things going on today, so I’ll cover them as quickly as I can, and hopefully, these pictures will help illustrate my journey.
Saucy and I started the day off at the beach. I met up with an old friend, one who I owed an amends to, due to my flakey ways and tendency to disappear. I’ve disappeared on him many times, and since that me is gone, and the new responsible and thoughtful one is here, I thought today was a good day to handle that. I wasn’t nervous going into the whole thing, we’ve spoken since rehab, and his buddhist beliefs make speaking with him about such things a very simple matter. He said just a call will do, let him know I can’t make it. I said that’s no problem. He told me he likes this new me, the one that shows up when I say I will, the one that is happy and goal oriented. I look forward to our next visit, just as I looked forward to seeing him today.
After Venice (god I miss the beach), I headed to the house to drop off Saucerton Dogsworth, and then to therapy. As I walked into Karim’s office, I got an email saying that my blog had been posted at HuffingtonPost LA, along with a link to the site. Stoked. It’s funny to think that just a few days ago, I was hoping to get the gig, and now, just one look sideways, the post is already up. I was so thrilled earlier today, and still am, but something happened this evening that has tossed my world on it’s head. I’m still digesting this new piece of information, and as it’s completely opposite of what I expected, it’s just another lesson in not having expectations.
After therapy, I came home to do a little writing, and my intentions were to go to dance class, but I failed at that. I got a response to an email I sent out last night, a question answered that I’ve lost tons of sleep wondering about. In fact, I’ve spent the better part of the past 4.5 years thinking about this, and looking back, it’s easy to see how selfish I’d been, and where I did wrong. I’m glad to be given the chance to tell him. He never deserved to be treated him the way I treated him. He deserved better.
I sat stunned that he responded, not only that he responded but that the email was warm. Kind. It sent me into a whirlwind because I couldn’t (and still can’t) figure out why he would even agree to see me again. It blows my mind. I decided to forgo class and take Saucy on an adventure through the Hollywood hills. Sauce is always there for me when I want to wander around in the dark, when I don’t want to talk and I don’t want to be alone. I stared at his words for 30 minutes, called Deezy and cried for another 15, and then walked Saucy for an hour and a half. Lost, dark streets, crickets and groans of houses on stilts. I think the hardest amends I’ll have to make are the ones to myself. I’m not there yet. But it was a beautiful night, and a good reminder of why I love California in the winter. A sweater, a tanktop, and the moon. All I needed was some fresh air.
It’s amazing how people will surprise you. Amazing the amount of compassion that a man or woman can have, when I’ve done the most terrible things. I am grateful tonight to be able to call him tomorrow. I’m fucking nervous and don’t know if I’ll sleep, but for different reasons than last night. It’s the little changes like that making me push forward. It’s the little changes that remind me it’s worth it.