Yesterday, as the Beatles said, all my troubles seemed so far away. But it doesn’t feel as though they are here to stay, partially because I believe in yesterday. It was a big day, a day where I couldn’t seem to stop crying. But not the sad sad sad crying, they were tears of joy, of gratitude, of new life and a new way of dealing with life. Yesterday, my struggles with him washed up on coffee soaked shores, and then fell back into the sea when we hugged. Another big thing happened yesterday, one I’m pleased to share here as it is a direct effect of something I wrote here about a week ago.
Duncan called me last night, and we spoke in great depth about how our relationship has been evolving. And naturally, relationships evolve, whether it be in a positive way or negative way, it’s simply part of being friends with someone. He wrote a beautiful post about me on his blog and wanted to read it to me. As he has a tendency of being very mumbly on the phone, I read the words from the page as he read them into my ear, and my heart. We are both aware of how our relationship has changed from those days in rehab, and I can’t help but feel that we are healthier than we began.
Our friendship started in lightening bolts, both of us finding solace in the other, in our friendship, and what we shared was such a raw and emotionally available moment, it would be unhealthy to continue in this intense way after we left the PRC. Every single nerve was exposed in that clinic, and we knew the other’s story completely, entirely, which is more than many people in either of our lives can say. Within three weeks, Duncan knew me better than anybody I’ve ever met in my life. And I knew him. This creates a vulnerability that as sex addicts, neither of us is really comfortable with. So when his Big Dog died, and I saw him even more vulnerable than before, I understood how he lashed out. I understood why he was being cruel, and occasionally viscous. Because I was also grieving the loss of the Big Dog- the only other dog my pooch ever looked up to, listened to, learned from.The Big Dog was a beautiful dog, and a big part of Duncan’s life. He has always placed some of his meaning, some of what makes him feel important and useful, in caring for those dogs. When he watched one die, it crushed that part of him that was pure and untouched. Because I saw it all happen, sat with him in the vet’s office, watched him bid the Big Dog farewell as she gently closed her eyes, we connected on an even deeper level than before. We shared not only the tragedy of our pasts, but now shared a tragedy in real time. This changes the dynamic of our relationship, as neither one is very apt at dealing with tragedy (hence rehab ahahha), it left us unsure of how to proceed.
I spoke with my therapist Beans plenty during this time, and she always reminded me that he was in the grieving process, and it’s okay for me to grieve the Big Dog too. I loved that fucking dog. And I loved Duncan. So it was especially difficult because not only did I lose a pup that was very special to me, I had to watch someone who means the world to me be in pain. It was terrible. And I didn’t know how to deal. So I let him be, and figured we’d pick up our relationship when he is ready. Which is where we are today.
I’ve been dealing with grief ever since April 6th, 2009. I’ve grieved the loss of my identity as a pornstar. My identity as mother to my siblings. My identity as a drinker, smoker and user. With every step we take toward becoming a new us (both Duncan and I), it is necessary to grieve the us of yesterday. Just like I was worried going to meet “him” for coffee-as any closure meant I would be grieving the feelings I’d been latching onto for the past four and a half years- would put me in any of the 5 stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Yesterday was big for Duncan and I because we were able to move through these emotions rather quickly, and thanks to our similar program designed for living, came to the conclusion that things are exactly as they should be at this very moment, and we are both fine with that.
So it was a big day, this yesterday, and waking up today was different because whereas yesterday it was clear and bright, a soft haze has covered Hollywood, and reminded me that even though the day may not be sunny, it’s still the perfect day to open my eyes.