Some days I just want to sit on the couch and do nothing. Today, Deezy and I devoted our day to taking up space on his couch and watching TV. It was great, because I don’t have a TV and we are knees deep in Madmen, recently started at season 1 and are two episodes into season 2. Amazing show. We ate cookies, ice cream, dined with Duncan and then returned to Deezy’s cave for another episode. Some day’s are just good couch days.
That being said, I took Saucy for a lovely walk this evening. The air is just a bit chilled, like a frosty mug from a freezer, but not so cold I needed a been or mittens. Just cold enough for a hoodie. My kinda cold. I walked her up the giant hill by my house, and around the dark streets of the Hollywood hills, few street lamps, and even fewer passing cars. It’s one of the few places I can think in LA, you can hear crickets even though the 101 is right around the corner, and occasionally little rats or mice will scurry across the road (which really freaks Sauce out). I love the night time walks with my pooch, and I’m glad I have the kind of pooch that makes me feel safe walking around at night.
I found myself standing outside this beautiful house, and in this beautiful house was a beautiful Christmas tree. 
All the lights were on, and even though the family was doing something else, I could imagine them gathering around the tree on Christmas Eve, looking out the window over the city and sharing in some quality California Christmas time. It looked warm in there, warm and inviting. I found myself tempted to ring the bell, wanted to ask if I could just smell the pine. I didn’t though. I just took this picture and left.
Christmas has never been a very good time for me, always reminds me of the disintegration of my parents marriage, and the irrevocable change that took place as a result. This year, I’m finding memories from before that madness, memories of Wyoming and sneaking upstairs to shake presents, making cookies with my mom, eating those same cookies with my Dad. I’m glad I get to reassign my feelings for Christmas this year. They say it’s the most wonderful time of the year, and that is exactly the kind of time I’d like to have.
Becoming Jennie 
reallyyeahreally
December 7, 2009
my favorite part of tonight’s messy sad episode. Your care for Kendra, that even imperfect, you will not judge her and you will love her.
George
December 7, 2009
I’ve been refreshing your page off and on today, waiting to hear what you thought of the show. I guess you didn’t watch it. It was really intense…but I don’t have to tell you that, right? You lived it.
I’m glad you did what you did today. It sounds like you took care of yourself… which I think we all should do a little more of.
The holidays used to suck for me, too, until I decided that every day was going to be a holiday, and I wasn’t going to wait to live my life on some day when it was supposed to be special. Every day was going to be special for me.
What this meant is, that ‘special’ days were no longer special, because now all days were special. This is how I made it different in my recovery. Now, on so-called ‘special’ days, I find someone (or some someones) who are doing poorly and do something for them. It works.
;-}
buster ross
December 7, 2009
i do like that house.
Jena
December 7, 2009
reassign my feelings
I like that
Thank You
Michael the Geezer
December 7, 2009
I am speaking metaphorically, Jennie, but there are angels all about at this and any time of year. Some are quadrupeds who don’t speak English, though they guide, protect and can teach. Some walk on two feet, and these may be seen or unseen.
Visible angels are the friends, caregivers and strangers who grant assistance and kindness unearned, as a gift. We who read your writings and wish you well are among the invisible. Writers constitute a special class of angel. Their work can inspire and illuminate even after they leave their bodies behind.
Matt Weiner, the primary writer (and creator of) Mad Men is acting on your behalf, as he does for all of us who appreciate and think about what the show portrays. Don Draper leads a double life, and advances his career on a raft of lies yet because the writing (and acting) are insightful we still care about him. His wife Betty expends so much energy keeping up a surface image of beauty and perfect order that she pays a terrible price in her ability to feel or appreciate anything honestly. The guys at the office drink to hide their desperation. Joan uses sexuality as a weapon, and on and on.
The whole show is about authenticity and the million ways people might be pressured to give up their integrity. To top it off, it’s set in a historical period just beyond reach for most viewers, at the peak of the cultural deception some call “the American Dream”. Given what you write about your own past, it’s not unusual that these themes would have resonance for you.
As long as you are thinking about things, responding to things that hint at deeper meanings, and trying to reflect and write about it for your own and others benefit, I don’t think you are “doing nothing”.
I also think you’re gonna get to a nice re-frame of Christmas for yourself. I know we cyber-angels are wishing it for you, for this and every year. My path to that re-frame came from volunteering, but there’s all kinds of service to perform at any time. Christmas can come every day!
Tony
December 7, 2009
Being a native Minnesotan, I just thought I’d point out that what you consider “just cold enough for a hoodie” is “just warm enough for t-shirts and possibly shorts” to us. At least we get snow.
Merry Christmas, Jennie!
Thor
December 7, 2009
Jennie. I am a recovering SA as well. 5 years. I wish you the best. There are not many women brave enough to do what you are doing. May the force be with you. Are you doing a 12 step program? And thanks for entertaining me with your writing. Reading you on my I-phone under the morning covers is a
treat. Peace.
jhoop
December 7, 2009
If you keep up all this positive stuff you are going to make it. You have grown in many ways and I am so happy for you. I don’t know you yet I am so proud of what you have accomplished for yourself.
Joe
December 7, 2009
This post makes me smile 🙂
Lance
December 7, 2009
Some days are made for doing nothing. Although you did spend time with friends and take a nice walk which is a good mix of activities for someone doing nothing. Really enjoyed todays post.
geo
December 7, 2009
I hear you may even be getting a bit of snow down your way, Ms K. I hope so. I grew up in Colorado, spent many, many years living in the Bay Area, and hadn’t realized how much I missed the snow or the mountains. Its snowing here now. Its freakin cold outside, toasty inside, and pleasant all around. It feels like a blank page laying in front of me waiting for nature to draw a new picture. Cheers, Ms Jennifer Ketcham. Peace.
Catherine Perry
December 7, 2009
Jennie: So glad to hear you are doing well. I saw you on celebrity rehab and was so impressed by your hard work and sensitivity. Despite your suffering, you were able to maintain a great sense of humor. You seem very smart and I hope you continue to do well in life.
Chicky
December 7, 2009
Jennie, I’m so glad you will spend this holiday with your Dad. I’m glad he’s been such a great Dad for you. I had a great Dad, too. Please cherish him.
I’ve been watching the show, reading the blog and rooting for you and those in rehab with you the whole time. Anytime anyone makes the decision to get sober, get into recovery and do that work, it’s a good day.
I’ve been in OA and I understand about the making amends thing. It’s tough. Most of the amends I had to make were to myself.
Someone gave me a wonderful bit of advice when I started OA. It irked the devil out of me when she said it, but now, it’s one of my favorite maxims, “What other people think of you is none of your business.” My first thought was, “What?? Of course it’s my business! It’s about ME!” Ahh, youth. But that’s one of the most freeing things anyone has ever said to me. Maybe it will help you as much as it helped me.
Sharing your experience, strength and hope is a big part of recovery and you’re doing it wonderfully well here. Good work.
Lifting up prayers for you for continued sobriety, recovery, peace, health, love and happiness. Continue to take care of yourself. Peace and God bless you.
Scott
December 7, 2009
Jennie:
I live in the Dakotas – in a small, some what rural village where I was born on the wrong side of the tracks. And, like you, I too at this time of the year want “to ring the bell” and ask to see the rich tree and all the beutiful decorations. (I don’t have have to ask to “smell the pine” because my little town is loaded with pine trees, which naturally scents the air, and drifts across the community with wintertime winds that come down from the artic circle).
Beautiful homes are just that beautiful, but you hit the nail on the head when you said “the family was doing something else” – they might have a beautiful house, filled with all the trimmings, but I wonder and bet that the decorations are for the neighbors, for “The Jones” so-to-speak, and they don’t realize just want they have – though I could be wrong.
There is the old saying, “Home is where the heart is.” Perhaps the saying should be renovated to say, “Christmas is where the heart is” because Christmas, and all its meaning, starts in the heart and blossoms from there. And, for me, it is in the heart where Christmas is most special.
I hope this Christmas is the blessing you want. So, with that… Jennie… “Merry Christmas!” May your heart be filled with a tree, decorations, lights, and the elegant smell of pine!
Your Friend, and someone, who is no one, who is pulling for you as you continue to live with SA.
Keep the Christmas faith.
Scott
Sharon
December 7, 2009
Jennie, I respect your honesty and guts to do the show. You are supportive to others in group, a good friend. I think you’re cool. I hope to see you on tv in the future. you are so young you have alot more to learn and do with your life!
your supporter-Sharon
matt
December 7, 2009
i just want to lend you support in your courageous recovery. i admire your strength and wish you the best on your continued path of recovery.
UnluckyPerson
December 7, 2009
You are so lucky!!!
I don’t have such house even I work as IT Manager. My place more smaller and only bordered by 1 thin wall with my neighbors. I can’t sleep every night because hearing some noisy fight or television.
You are so lucky. Praise because you had been given a change to become good. Lucky you. Very lucky. Now or never, it is time to become good even you have to fight the whole world of evil. This is your change, your opportunity, and your luck. Just simple suggestion: “Forget what behind you and look further forward, what ever peoples said, just keep on your TRUTH to take the opportunity to become one with GOODNESS”
Bud Micalizio
December 7, 2009
Best of luck to you, Jennie.
Scott...yeah that one!
December 7, 2009
MADMEN ROCKS….I wont the diabolical crazy Pete Campbell back. The level headed, soon to be partner isn’t neary as enjoyable as the wildcard son of entitlement!
c'est moi
December 8, 2009
Good wishes on your continued efforts at self awareness and discovery. Bravo to your successes, and your writing style is a pleasure to read.
Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.
Gleek
December 8, 2009
why dids you guys act like Kari Ann had been a victim of something terrible from that little push thing? her bitch behavior got the nice lady fired.
jd
December 9, 2009
“Look Mommy were Playing Spaceman”–Daughter, [Son with plastic bag over his head).
“I better not find any of my Dry Cleaning on the Floor” Bett’s
Catherine Perry
December 9, 2009
Jennie: You are a wonderful writer. I don’t know if you have training in this but I hope you continue to do more of it. I have been watching Celebrity Rehab religiously and you are one of the people I have admired most on that show. You not only powered through your pain with courage and wit, but managed to entertain us as well. Bravo. Hope you get your own show one day.