Visited Dr. Reef again today for some fun filled brain picking. I’m really starting to enjoy the therapy sessions with him, and with Jill. The first part of my recovery, and seeing them, felt light and fluffy. I feel now that we are getting into the real work. Every time I leave his office I find myself much more contemplative, thoughtful. He asks questions I never think to ask myself, and I spend the following week trying to answer his questions…. for myself.
Last week we touched on authenticity, and my homework was to check in with myself at times I felt inauthentic. I check in regularly, (how am I feeling mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically…) and do grounding exercises when I start to feel fuzzy. Feet on the ground, hands on my lap, I’m sitting in Hollywood, eating cookies. Check. Today, we talked about the people that are still in my life, a question that had been asked no more than two hours before my appointment, in a casting call, for a new show. A gentleman asked:
Gentleman: So who is in your life now that you’ve cut nearly everybody from adult?
Me: isn’t that a funny question?
Who is in my life now that I’ve cut nearly everybody from adult? Where have the majority of my friends come from and in which ways do we interact? Well, there’s Deezy, best buddy, lives next door, we eat, hang out, love madmen together. Angel, best buddy, we eat, hang out, play, go dancing. Bleeze, in SD, family, random friends of friends, old friends that I’ve reconnected with, and the rest of the majority I hang with are in recovery or at least aware that I’m in recovery so there are no terribly awkward moments. But in talking with Reef about the people in my life, I couldn’t help but think about a few that I am totally inauthentic with. I am constantly worried about talking to them, or telling them what’s going on in my day. I worry about upsetting them, or manage my feelings to suit their moods. It presents a big question. Bigger than the gentleman’s question from the casting call.
Do I really wish to be friends with these kind of people? And it certainly isn’t their fault that I am inauthentic with them. It’s just the nature of our relationship. They are who they are, and I end up manipulating myself to fit their needs. There is one relationship in particular that I’ve started to see as inauthentic, and while it is something that I don’t have to do anything about today, it is something I want to think about for awhile and potentially end. Which makes me sad. Because we had fun, when the time was right and the moon was high. It’s something that needs more exploration, both here and in therapy, and while I refuse to be specific because there is always a chance of this being read by the person I speak of, I will not hold back on sharing my current feelings with you, and myself.
I’m coming to a point in my life where I want my relationships to be authentic, even if at times we do inauthentic things to protect one another. Reef say’s practicing inauthenticity will not help recovery, especially since the muscle is so strong. I need real relationships and friendships with sensitive and compassionate people, because I am a sensitive and compassionate woman. So I think it’s best if I slowly and gently pull from all that is inauthentic. For safety and myself.