Today I did everything I love to do. I woke up early and drank coffee before 8. I took my notepad and pen down to the corner shop and wrote until my hand hurt, revising the proposal is taking time, and it’s time well spent. I saw B and my step dog Daisy. Went to therapy and jumped into more EMDR.
The EMDR was heavy today, I haven’t finished with the incident, ran out of time and had to put the emotions in the container I’ve set up, will be coming back to it next week, hopefully to flush out the rest although I have a feeling it may take a few sessions. That’s fine, Rome wasn’t built in a day and it certainly didn’t take a day to bottle up these emotions I’m sorting through so I’ll go easy on myself. But after the session was over, I hit up Crumbs on Melrose, for two cupcakes. My sweet treat for rough work. The oreo is gone already but the red velvet is waiting for tomorrow. One can only eat so many cupcakes in one day.
I got cakes and I watched some TV up at Deezy’s place, needed the drone of television to turn off for a minute. I found myself crying at the end of “Cold Case” when U2’s “with or without you” started playing. I have no idea what started the tears but they fell and I ate the cupcake without remorse. I checked my email and found two fun art oriented requests. One I can do and the other I cannot. I’ll touch on the one I can’t do in a minute.
It’s been awhile since I painted so I went out and bought a 12x48in canvas and started to paint the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s my favorite thing to paint, bridges carry so much meaning, and this one especially, I feel as if they take me home. I’m all over the place today. Feeling scattered. Nostalgic. A tad lonely. I spent the better part of the day painting my bridge and with each stroke I remembered why I love painting. Sometimes it’s just the only thing to do.
I spoke with Ron Jeremy for an hour, we laughed at silly things and even at serious things, and there are some people in the biz that will always make me smile. He called randomly, out of the blue, and I’m glad he did. He wanted to thank me for bring the mold of his cock to rehab, said it was a huge compliment. I told him he is lovely and one of the only dicks I haven’t thrown away. He loved this. He promised me a Thai foot massage, with no funny business. I’m going to take him up on it.
Saucy and I snuggled while we watched TV, we took a nap and then I read the second email, asking to purchase “The Road Home.” I don’t think I can sell it. Funny how I could sell anything 8 months ago, from a painting to my ass, and today I can’t part with my road home. I’ll make prints. Sell those. (Thanks for the idea 😉 ) But the original is the first painting I made that I was proud of. One of my first paintings ever, and still my favorite. It’s staying with me. We can’t get some things back.
I watched a Madmen episode and painted some more, and now it’s time for sleeping. Not sure what kind of day today will fall under, but there seem to be a few like this lately. I’m glad I dove into the things I love, like shiny blue paint and cupcakes from Crumbs, and I’m glad to be putting my head to the pillow sober tonight. 253 days sober by the grace of something higher than myself and I know I will make it to 254, regardless of how difficult that 254th day may be.
Pete Schult
December 16, 2009
There’s a comic strip, Nina’s Adventures, that has one strip comparing Santa Cruz CA with Urbana IL. In both towns, Nina is wearing a shirt with “have a day” and a smiley face with a straight line mouth printed on it; in Santa Cruz, people wonder why she’s so negative while in Urbana people wonder why she’s so cheerful. From your posting, today seems like it was a “have a day” kind of day: some good, some blah. Just remember that you’ve had good days and will again.
Ray
December 16, 2009
Hi Jennie i admire your courage to bear yourself to the world,as you go thru the journey of finding your true self.I don’t see you as Penny Flame anymore,i see u as a sweet and wonderful young woman who i pray will find happiness in her life.You r so kind to the other patients on the Sex Rehab show that i am sure u r one of god’s angels and you will be blessed for it. All the best to you. i ll write u again
Peter Holden
December 16, 2009
Jennie.
Have you had any thoughts yet on this Christmas being your first ‘sober’ Christmas?
Pete (in a very HOT, Melbourne Australia)
Thor
December 16, 2009
Good morning sunshine. I see the gg bridge from my window.
jen sch.
December 16, 2009
I am so glad I found your blog! We have been watching the show and I am so impressed by the effort you have put in and privleged that you share your story and your journey here. Keep living real! =]
Scott...yeah that one
December 16, 2009
Only this to say….Good Morning Jennie! Hope you have a blessed day and if you ever wanta run down to Roscoes for Chicken and Waffles…let a brotha know!
Matt
December 16, 2009
Jennie…..I think you should use all of your
life’s lessons and experiences for good. There
are alot of people out there ruining their life
and good relationships watching pornography. I
know for some it doesn’t effect them but for
others it’s destroying them. It’s like anything
else, in one persons hands it may be fine and in
anothers it’s destructive. They can’t separate
fantasy from reality and I know this from personal
heartbreak and a failed marriage because of my
addiction to porn. Maybe if a porn actress dispelled
that myth that it’s like real life it would help
alot of people. In fact, I know it would. I laughed
about your comment on Ron Jeremy and I have always
liked the guy. However, if you are going to move
away from porn, you need to disassociate with these
people or i will never work. I wish you the best of luck.
Get real
December 16, 2009
Well said but Ron Jeremy is a scumbag. You claim to want out but keep contact with people in the industry. You continue to take money from your website, which I quess has seen an increase in traffic. Sweetie, it is either all or nothing. Make a choice. And get rid of the cock.
mytwocents
December 17, 2009
I understand the concern that some have brought up about not having a clean break with the adult industry. I think continuing to make money from a porn based site, which I assume is the case with the Penny Flame site?, is at odds with how I understand the recovery process in this case.
That’s a major involvement still in the business and shows a reluctance to part with the easy/easier money of the adult industry. That creates a slippery slope, considering the money is so often, to my understanding, a big part of the draw and appeal for people to get involved in porn and stay there. Continuing to make money from the industry suggests a less than full commitment to the goals Jennie has talked about regarding making things work without the porn money and having faith in her other abilities and being able to withstand facing the fears and risks of daily life without resorting to making money in ways that don’t support recovery.
And besides, commiting to not selling oneself as I think Jennie mentioned recently makes more sense when it includes not making money by enabling others to sell themselves too, no?
Maybe Jennie isn’t ready yet for that final step but my guess is that this could be a potential stumbling block if it isn’t addressed. I wonder what the therapists and experts say about this, if anything. I’m curious if it’s come up in the sessions. Obviously they and Jennie know the situation best but from an outside perspective it seems to me to contradict so much of what’s been written here so far.
And what makes it seem even more concerning is that it’s like an elephant in the room. It comes up regularly in comments, it’s obviously an issue that is not aligned with the rest of the package here, and yet from what I’ve read it seems to go unaddressed on this blog by Jennie, which in a way in my view gives it even more weight as an issue and potential problem that’s not ready to be dealt with.
I think the same about Jennie repeatedly framing the adult industry experience in such positive terms. Why the need to leave it and go through all this if it was so wonderful? Why the comments about not wanting to sell yourself anymore and such, the need for a total remake of identity if it’s been such a great experience?
To me those comments about the industry and the web site stuff look like denial and not wanting to acknowledge the problem because of not being ready to face it or do something about it. But I acknowledge that I am an on the outside looking in and with very little info about Jennie’s situation to go on, so I don’t think I’m necessarily right, but that’s just how I perceive it and how it feels to me.
I know I could be 100% off, but just wanted to share what I think in case there may be some reality in it or some value to someone.
mytwocents
December 23, 2009
I just want to add that if I’ve misunderstood and Jennie is making no income and keeping no public web site from from her past porn work anymore then my above comment is off the mark. I got the impression that this wasn’t the case but I realize I really don’t know for sure. If I’m wrong about that Jennie I apologize and please just ignore the earlier comment thanks.
Chris Brown
December 16, 2009
All I can say is good for you. I myself have gone about 6 months now in my recovery(I don’t keep track of the days though).
mike
December 16, 2009
God bless you. I have watched your progress through the torture of withdrawal, and the courage you showed in recovering your life. I am a sex addict – mostly porn. You’re an inspiration….keep at it, one day at a time. Thank you for sharing your story and life with all the rest of us suffering under the chains of addiction
23travis
December 16, 2009
I see “With of Without You” as being a song about the paradox of faith (Now there’s a name for a band!), and the doubt it creates. Any addict would cry. I have. As a musician, I’m moved simply by the beautiful melody and would probably cry if there were never words.
Keep it up, Jennie
lots of love,
23travis – Day 281 (12 years and countless tears of trying)
Jim
December 16, 2009
Wow!!! Congrats on being sober!!! You have grown a lot and have rediscovered yourself along the way. A question about your dogs name. Is it Saucey or dogworth? I renamed my brothers dog, originally called buddy, to H. Buddiman Pupster. Have a awesome day!!
karen coe
December 16, 2009
Strong Lady, Know you will do great, stay well,Good Luck With Your Life, God Bless,Karen
Susan
December 16, 2009
So enjoy reading your blog. I check every morning with my coffee. Sober 18 mos & 5 days from cocaine, 30 yr ED struggle, lived by Fairfax+Santa Monica for 6 yrs, now back in Manhattan. Empathize with your struggle upwards and forward. Appreciate the sharing of your search, stumbles, victories, triumphs, brick walls, truth.
heather
December 16, 2009
beautiful. I also love painting the gg bridge. have a lovely day today.
TS
December 16, 2009
Keep it up!
(Like Ron Jeremy.)
*rimshot*
SHOT.
SW
December 16, 2009
I’ve been following this blog for a while now. Just wanted to say your story is inspiring. What’s more, it takes a special kind of person to put them self out there like you have, thus passing on the positive things you have accomplished to those that read about them. Thanks.
Michelle Steele
December 16, 2009
Jennie, you are an inspiration to me. Because of your candor and obvious commitment, I have made the decision to begin my own blog and start writing again, even if only as a personal journal.
I have read your entire “becomingjennie” blog and have tried to take a look at “myhotmess” but the contrast is so severe that I prefer to stick with the reality of your recovery. You’ve come a long way, baby.
Congrats and keep up the good work.
Michelle Steele, mom-extraordinaire (HA!)
Tom
December 16, 2009
Do the comments people write on here to you impact you in any way? I do not see you refer to them at all. curious. Tom
Matt
December 17, 2009
There were some comments on here that really stuck out for me too. On one hand you say that you are really
comitted to cleaning up yet not sure if you will
still do porn? That’s an obvious admission that
you aren’t ready. Secondly, someone had a point
about you never really responding to any blog comments.
Here is my take……..you are a self centered
person fooling everyone into pouring their sympathy
to you when yuo could give 2 shits about them. You
know……the quintessential addiction behavior.
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME!! Pity me…help me……until
I get my next high than I can forget you. Than I will
come begging again.
Michael the Geezer
December 16, 2009
You deserve to do what you love every day you can manage it. Lots of days will get filled up with commitments and obligations, especially as sober living leads to more work opportunities.
Several days back I took some time looking over your archives based on how you had them categorized. If you look back at just the bad days for example, and read them chronologically, you will see that even when you felt the worst there’s an obvious progress in strength and clarity over time.
You’re building something wonderful.
Lance
December 16, 2009
Great post although the thought of Ron Jeremy being serious is certainly strange.
Felix
December 16, 2009
For those that don’t know much about Ron, he is a very kind man, he is actively involved with PETA and he is a great pianist.
Mike Wendler
December 16, 2009
it’s funny that the Road Home was the one piece that really stood out to me among your work. I thought it would be nice to own but for some reason I figured you would not sell it. Keep it, it is a great piece. The colors reminds me of the Fauvism period.
V
December 16, 2009
Dear Jennie,
Back to front..The picture of you and Saucy is touching. So beautiful. You seem to be doing so well. As many have said, cut yourself some slack. Everyone has regrets, and everyone has stuff they ‘stuff’ and eats at them, and so, join the mass of the rest of us who are tweaked and just ‘be’. Like they say in AA, “normal is just a setting on a dryer”
Be well and prosper and damn you for those pictures of the cupcakes! Now I’m hungry!
Day 254? You rock girl!
warren mack(crisrawner)
December 16, 2009
Just as long you love enjoying what you do and enjoying what you love to do, that’s all that matters. Keep reaching for the stars Jennie.
Theresa Jane
December 16, 2009
253 days sober. That has taken committment and drive on your behalf. Just think one day you’ll be able to count it by years and the struggle will be gone. It’ll be normal life. Keep up loving yourself and giving you the care you deserve. 🙂
Theresa Jane
http://www.fromhousewifetofilmmaker.wordpress.com
Martin
December 16, 2009
Animal Farm by George Orwell.
This book may give you a different perspective of a human existence.
Greetings from Poland mademoiselle!
Kristl
December 16, 2009
Like almost everyone else who has posted, listening to you is inspiring. It allows me to see that yes, it IS possible to be sober and clean from this addiction. It IS possible to grow, to embrace what you love, to rediscover one’s own self beneath the chaff.
Good luck. And, thank you for sharing.
geo
December 16, 2009
The Road Home is gorgeous. I can understand someone wanting to hang it in a place of honor, and I can understand you not wanting to part with it (I do like the idea of hanging a framed print here, I must admit, should you go that route). The colours are so lovely, they just flow so smoothly. Its warm, and calming at the same time. Peace…
Anonymously Anonymous
December 16, 2009
Honestly, I don’t know how you do it. You are a very courageous soul and are achieving something that i, myself, hope to achieve. Every day is a struggle but i’ve been watching the show and realize there are people out there that have it worse than me, and if they can do it, so can i.
Thanks Jennie =]
Jarred
December 16, 2009
Good job Jennie, one day at a time. You are doing great and every day you should be super proud of yourself. We are all rooting for you!! 🙂
TW
December 16, 2009
Jennie, my one and only love for the past 17 years also struggles with this addiction. We have been watching the show and we both are learning a lot. I want to say you and all the members of the rehab are very brave coming forward with all this and I hope it helps bring this addiction to light. More people suffer from this but are afraid of society’s reaction. Thank you for helping us learn there is treatment for this. By the way, no one ever mentioned taking medication for any of this. Is there anything? I had read somewhere that there was.
Dirtybomb
December 16, 2009
I find no inspiration from your day nor your post.
Lora
December 16, 2009
your such a beautiful person inside and out. i’ve watched you become stronger everyday. and no matter how hard it was you make it through. i really look up too you, because you’ve became such an inspiration to many girls dealing with sexual addictions. “don’t let your past ruin your future.” and don’t forget your beautiful girl<3
pmdrummer
December 16, 2009
hey J,
I am a recovering addict as well. I am in my 2nd year and I really feel good and sure about changing my life. I have recently lost everything seriously EVERYTHING (job, house, relationship)..its like a bad country song but one thing I have is my freedom (and my wolf shadow). Freedom is one thing I never had when I used and did what ever I use to do. I know I will get everything back with hard work and even if I don’t I will leave this earth free and on my terms. I’m having to learn about myself and make new fiends. Even the sound of my real name is weird. I went by a nickname before. Anyway your blog is inspiring and helpful. I don’t know who you are and you don’t know me but just realize everything your going through, your not alone.
Haji
December 16, 2009
253 days. Outstanding!
Mad Men is great. I love that show!
Ben
December 21, 2009
Dear Jennie,
I found you so moving on the Dr. Drew Sex Adddict show. I got the impression that you are indeed a very deep and intelligent woman with a lot of real talent. I am glad that your blogs show you to be the same.
All best wishes for your recovery.