I’ve been gone the past few days, out of blogland, and I felt like I was missing something tremendous. Something spectacular. I forget how much writing here helps me, how it keeps my mind clean and fresh, it’s like a meditation of sorts, mixed with my daily inventory. What good things happened today, what bad things, what is my part in both good and bad and where do I need to make amends? Writing here on a daily basis helps clean the issues from my day, even if there aren’t any.
I’ve been painting non-stop, trying to finish some Christmas presents as well as some other paintings that have been purchased. I gave Deezy this painting as a gift tonight, it’s from a picture his friend took in their youth, a place they used to hang out. I’ve been wanting to use the snow, and finally had the perfect reason. I mail out two paintings tomorrow to friends, and get ready to leave for my Dad’s place at 3. Big couple days ahead, I’m going to spend quality time with my family and work on the proposal.
This is actually the first Christmas my sister, brother, Dad and I will spend together since 96. It’s kind of a big deal. For some reason, I’ve tried to play it off cool, but talking with my friend J last night or the night before, I realized how big it actually is. It’s freaking huge. J asked me about the best Christmas present I’ve been given, and I realized in that moment it’s this coming Christmas. It’s being able to spend time with my family, with my Dad, in his home. He said he’s going to cook for us every night we are there, because he’s missed out on cooking for us. Some of my fondest memories are of him in the kitchen, standing over a wok, his Chinese food is incredible. I’ve always had an affinity for Chinese food, I remember as a kid he used to get food in San Francisco and tell me about it. Then he’d come home and recreate it. I went to the City a few years back, called him and asked where his favorite restaurant is. It was amazing. Christmas is going to be great.
Kendra text me the other day… we haven’t spoken much since the filming of Sober House and it was nice to reconnect. We both decided to put the drama nonsense behind and move forward. She is really a lovely woman, and a good friend. Compassionate and kind. We are going to get together when I get back for lunch or coffee or a meeting or all of the above. I’m truly grateful to have her in my life, even if we’ve already had some rough patches. It’s an amazing thing to be able to talk about our feelings. Another Christmas gift…
Tomorrow I call Benz and set up the drop date. I’m hoping to give it over in Van Nuys, it’d be a pain in the ass to drive it to Newport (where I got it) but if they demanded I do so I’ll have no choice. I’m honestly terrified of being without a car. But not like Friday the 13th terrified. Just aware of how my life is going to change. I remember my favorite thing about Europe was not having a car, being at the mercy of public transit and my feet. Deezy has a bike he’s going to let me use, and my feet are pretty good at walking. I know I’ll adapt. But it’s always that moment hesitation before the big jump. I suppose this is my moment.
I’ve been thinking a lot about dating, about the past 8.5 months, about how life has changed and how it continues to change on a minute by minute basis. Jill said I’ll be making a “to be” list, things I need potential mates to already be. I want to be with someone who is kind, funny, driven, artistic, emotionally available (that’s a first), someone who has a one year, five year, maybe even ten year plan. Someone who has goals, and dreams, someone who is respectful of my boundaries and weird creative energy, has a good relationship with his/her family and friends. Someone who writes? It’s funny how different the things I want from a mate are, 8.5 months ago I just wanted funny and financially secure, emotionally unavailable and non-committal. change.
I’m bringing my computer to Washington so I’ll be writing my blogs from up there. Ready for the rain, the cold, the hot cocoa and Chinese food. I’m ready for a change of scenery, and not to be cheesy, but it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I guess this is the first year in a long time I’ve let myself feel the holiday spirit. I guess this is the first year in a long time I’ve let myself feel.