The moments in between being born and dying can seem like eternity, the moments that take our breath away, that make us gasp, astonished by our good fortune or bad luck, the moments where we can pause and consider consequences or predict outcomes. Sometimes these moments feel like forever, like when we’re in a car accident and time slows to a crawl, and sometimes they can feel like a heartbeat, like the time spent with my father. Dali’s exploration of the fluidity of time has always touched me, melting clocks draped over cliffs surrounded by melting people and faces mashed with elephants or swans. There is something intrinsically meaningful in the ticking of our clocks, and something overwhelmingly meaningless. Time waits for no one. We have all the time in the world. Time heals all.
My mother was very hurt by my Christmas post, to my surprise and against my wishes, she continues to read this blog, and it’s something I am powerless over. Her feelings, her reactions, her…. life. I’ve reread my words and tried to find something that was hurtful, but all I’ve found is gratitude for the gift of sobriety and being present to enjoy a family Christmas. Perhaps she was upset by the thought that this is the first Christmas I’ve felt present, but that isn’t something I can help, or wish to unsay, because it is my complete and utter truth. It wasn’t said to discredit any other Christmas I’ve had, because I’ve had fun at Christmas time before, but this time around was different and much needed. I needed to be with my father this Christmas. I needed to be present for myself and my family this Christmas. I needed to be sober this Christmas. Jill says part of sobriety is being able to state your needs. This is a big change for me, this ability to recognize needs and a step further in stating them. This is a big first.
For example, every time I got the whip cream from the fridge to douse my pumpkin pie, I had an overwhelming urge to inhale the nitrous from the can. What a retarded way to want to relapse. A 30 second high with a head filled with “wawawawawa” and brain cells quickly committing suicide. Not the way I’m gonna go out. I told my dad, a need to be able to express my addict desires and work through them with support, and he laughed.
I don’t think I’ve ever done that…
He said if he’s going to get fucked up then he’s going to get really fucked up, and I am exactly the same. If I’m going to relapse it’s going to be on mushrooms and acid and extasy and all the fantastically mind enhancing drugs I’ve enjoyed in my past, not some stupid 30 second whip cream can buzz. But I’m not going to relapse, not today anyway, and being able to communicate this funny desire is what helped me to move through it. Also hearing my dad laugh at the thought of wanting to get high for only 30 seconds made it all the more obvious that a) he is in fact my father and b) getting high off nitrous is dumb.
These moments in between Christmas and the New Year are proving to be rather difficult in terms of substance sobriety. I find myself wanting champagne at midnight, wine at dinner, beers in the afternoon. I find myself wanting to smoke a blunt when the ball drops, do a line off a strippers ass at 12:01. I’m staying close to my programs and my support groups because I don’t want to start this whole shit parade over, I don’t want to get high, I don’t want to get drunk or fuck up. I just want to participate in tradition, and those things are my traditions. This year is about creating new healthy traditions, things that don’t cause me pain, and don’t frustrate the people around me. This year is about new. Just as the past year has been about. I’m continuing to move forward, and looking back with gentler, kinder eyes. It’s just frustrating sometimes when the people we love most don’t see how we can move forward together.
Jill says that when one person gets sober, it creates ripples in every person’s life around them. The butterfly beating her wings in Africa deal, and I see how my life changes have caused some life changes in those around me. One of my closest friends, KB, called the other day to say how he is over the effort of smoking weed every day, that he wants to hit some meetings. My relationship with my father grows stronger and stronger with each passing moment, and it’s these moments that are creating our new relationship, our friendship, our father/daughter team. The way I interact with my brother and sister has changed, and they are changing as well, my brother is growing up into a wonderful young man and my sister is facing some very difficult choices in regard to her current relationships and living situations. I try to be a role model for them, and show them both that if you so desire, you can change every aspect of your life and the way you live it. The relationship with my mother has changed, because she can see what I’m going through and knows that it means I will be different. We were comfortable as we were, best friends and completely emotionally enmeshed. I have changed because I am able to see my part in things, able to understand how my wings have caused a big kahuna across the ocean of my relationships. I am not able to predict how any of these people will be changed by my changes, but I am able to love them and support them unconditionally. That is the person I want to be, and the person I am confident in becoming.
The moments in between extraordinary events and daily living make me feel whole. They are the silent moments like now, only the tap tap tapping of my fingers across the keyboard. They are moments dedicated to killing alien zombies with Deezy or sitting in traffic or on airplanes next to strangers talking about how wonderful the introduction of a girlfriend went with the parents. They are the moments like American Beauty’s paper bag, moments of leaves swirling up with the wind and falling back to the ground. They are the moments that make my life meaningful and worthwhile, even if they are moments of nothingness. They are moments of change, and of things threatening to always stay the same, and it’s these moments I feel are best suited to stop, pause, take a deep breath, and decide what kind of person I’d like to be, and what kind of day I’d like to have. Today, I’m going to be true to myself, and enjoy a beautiful day.
Becoming Jennie 
Lane Lovegrove
December 28, 2009
Equisite post Jennie. Enjoy those beautiful moments.
Jonathan
December 28, 2009
Ms. Ketchum, you never cease to amaze me with your ability to come to every precipice I fear you are approaching (it’s what I do, sorry), seeing the potential pitfall and backing gracefully to safe ground. I was worried that you never seemed to mention the pull of the desire to use. It is a voice that can be subtle and it can take down an overconfident addict.
I loved reading about your happy Christmas visit, but I know it is a time that is also filled with some of the few memories alcohol leaves you.
Tell you what, I will try to stop worrying about a woman I only know from the internet (okay, from TV and from porn, too . . . but those didn’t make me feel like I knew you). That would probably be better for me, anyway. You just keep working on getting better and better. And, if you have a chance to let us all know how it is going, that’s cool too. It helps remind me to keep the focus on the right things.
imperialhotel
December 28, 2009
I don’t find anything hurtful in your previous blog…I’m not your mom, but I’m extremely happy that your Christmas was so great! Loved your post 🙂
Mrs. Scott
December 28, 2009
The first sober Christmas/birthday/wedding reception etc. are the hardest. It does get easier. I promise.
TheKid420
December 28, 2009
Love I am with you on the whole sobriety thing but I can’t see how you can throw weed in with everything else. If someone wants to smoke out or not, I don’t see that as an addiction issue. That’s a hard sell to The Kid. I guess we can agree to disagree on that one.
I was thinking today about how much I look forward to reading these posts you make from time to time. Not so much for the voyeuristic aspect, but more to the fact that you are a fantastic writer. If I were you I might think about collecting some of these and also adding a biographical element to form what could be a nice read. Your work here and in the Post has been fantastic and certainly worthy of being published, if you make this step it could open a lot of doors for you in terms of both financial rewards and great networking. Perhaps that would be something you would consider.
Maybe the thing with Mom has more to do with a positive review coming from Dad’s? I would guess that the situations with her found you in a place that wasn’t conducive to the experience you recently had, but at no fault of hers? Maybe if that was communicated it would defuse the problem?
Regardless, you are always a first class read love. The one a few days back where you talked about Too $Hort, this one where you mix American Beauty with the Chaos math theory (Butterfly flapping it’s wings), always interesting and beautiful writing.
Get real
December 29, 2009
You don’t understand addiction
Tim
December 28, 2009
Hello Jennie….solid job on the blog. The city scape seems to draw everyone into excess. From an outsiders perspective (not knowing you or your environment at all) I would give you the advice to take time for yourself whenever you feel the demons coming in. Get away from the glamour and lights of the city and travel to somewhere that fascinates you. Re-discover the world, while discovering yourself. Although the inner light seems to dim in transition between the younger years to the older ones, much still remains to be discovered. I am finding this out myself, and I hope you can also.
Joe
December 28, 2009
This post makes me tear up. Your progress and ability make such a positive change is amazing.
Thank you so much for sharing this all with us. I’m so happy that you are making the struggle, and from what it looks like, succeeding.
Be well Miss Jennie.
-Joe
geo
December 28, 2009
Change is never easy. It takes effort. But then what in life that’s worth doing doesn’t cause change or take effort? I can empathize with your impulse to give in, to self-medicate (to push your life to the edge of not living anymore). I haven’t had a drink for I think around 5 years now. I take that back–its easy to remember the last deliberate drink of Guinness, easy to conceal the small glass of Merlot I poured when I was pissed at something stupid (probably diabetes and my medications). Thinking back once I felt those crimson drops hit my stomach, tasted that woody flavour, missed what I’d been missing for a few years, I felt really, really horrible. I don’t know how much is too much. What if that little glass had been enough to send me into a coma or worse? I thought about the time I’d have missed with my nieces, the only reasons I don’t take a bottle of Guinness and mix it with some little pills that change the way my heart behaves. I have something to live for, same as you. The only thing I can offer is that little story, words of encouragement and remind you that yes, you do have something and someones to live for, including yourself. Life’s where our souls come to learn, our bodies their classrooms. Keep learning, keep living. I believe in you. Peace.
Michael the Geezer
December 28, 2009
Upon retelling memories of past events, my wise old therapist used to irritate me by saying things like, “Perception is reality.”
He meant that everything we experience is colored by previous experiences, and our expectations, and our state of health and clarity at the moment the moment…passes.
Rose-colored glasses, baggage, beer goggles, whatevah. Like it or not, we’re always getting high on our own indulgences. When free from having powerful intoxicants as a co-pilot, we still get high on our own guilt or shame or sense of deep compassion or refusal of forgiveness. “Or on love, the strongest poison and medicine of all.” (<-Joni Mitchell) It's just easier to get through feeling a bit cleaner when you know the distortion (or enhancement) is coming from between your ears rather than exterior administration.
Sorry you fell in one of the regular potholes on the path of memoirists; that not everyone will like what you write about them, or even being written about at all. ("She wrote that I ruined her last Christmas!" – well, maybe you're too close to see that one coming. I know that wasn't your point at all, but see how easy it happens?)
As you implied, you can only get control of your own reactions to life's events. If you want to go through this process in public, you get the unenviable task of dealing with the reactions of those you write about.
I'm not judging the wisdom or value of your public process at all. It's certainly great voyeuristic fun for the rest of us to read. Maybe it's a healthier way of being naked before a camera.
Chris Brown
December 28, 2009
That is definitely the way to go, Jennie. Good for you.
Meyhem
December 28, 2009
Hi Jennie
I know a very stupid little thing, that for no reason that I understand is giving me and some others hope at this time.
We are past the solstice. The days will be getting longer and the nights shorter.
We are over the worst of that nasty seasonal depression. From here on out we are looking forewards to spring, rebirth, brighter times.
Silly I know. But as I said, It works for me and some others I know.
Keep the faith Jennie
Luck and prayers
Meyhem
Jakob
December 28, 2009
Yet again you share the private moments of your own life to the benefit of others’ curiosity. This publicity may be troubling your mother, however it fascillitates your recovery.
It is yet again inspirational to see you making the difficult choices right for you, although also emotionally challenging.
Thank you!
Steve
December 28, 2009
I was sexually abused as a child by my grandma. I’ve struggled with addiction since I was 12.
You are giving me hope. If you can do it, maybe I can too.
Momlissa
December 28, 2009
Wow, your narrative is profoundly moving – thank you for sharing this. You are an amazing writer and I am pulling for you.
Lars
December 28, 2009
It is a curious thing that we are all so similar in our emotions and needs.
George
December 28, 2009
Instead of nitrous, or blunts, or _______ (fill in the blank), have you considered homemade ice-cream? Cuisinart has an ice-cream maker that you could probably get at Macy’s for cheap, and then all you need are cream, milk, sugar, and whatever you want to put in it. I just made some with blueberries and cranberries and about 1/2 of the sugar they recommend (I like the creamy part more than the sweet part…I’ve always said, “If I were making ice-cream…” and now I am). It is absolutely divine.
About your mom, she may need to get into Al-Anon if your relationship with her is going to survive your recovery. You’ve changed, and as a result the whole family system has changed, so the other individuals will need to change also to accommodate this. Some people can change with relative ease (your dad, perhaps) while others struggle. The ones who struggle usually fear of changing and moving forward themselves, as well as fearful of letting go of the old ‘them’ and the old ‘us’ (you and her).
I’m glad to hear you are not letting your mother’s discomfort derail your success or sway you in your convictions. Her discomfort is her discomfort, and her responsibility to overcome, not yours.
Please find and stay around sober people for the next week. Pick up your meetings if you can. There’s a saying back East – “Addiction is a three-fold illness…Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s…” which means we are especially succeptible at this time of year. So put a little extra in the bank in case you need to make a withdrawal later.
🙂
Bob
December 28, 2009
Change for everyone is inevitable with your sobriety. I was depressed for about 25 years of my adult life and when I came out of it with drug therapy and counseling my family(wife and kids) did not exactly cheer for me. The change from the known and predictable was very threatening to them. Noone likes change initially, even if it is for the best.
We have made the change together now and we are all the better for it.
J
December 28, 2009
I discovered that once I sobered up. Everyone else changed in their own way as well. It was a rough first year because not only did I experience everything ‘new’ but, my reactions were ‘common sense’ instead of the drugged reactions. I learned that everyone changes when one sobers up.
Keep up the great work Jennie. You have a huge support team behind you.
My best,
J
Steve
December 28, 2009
I got sober on Oahu, and I had just about a year when Thanksgiving and the Holiday season began. We had program related activity 24/7 on all the big days but I was very concerned that the drive to drink and use would help me to fuck up.
I brought the subject up with my sponsor and told him how worried I was about the Holidays. He said “You know I drank and used every single day before I sobered up and I have to tell you that Christmas or Saturday was all the same.”
I shut up and quit worrying.
Rob Haupt
December 28, 2009
Dear Jennie,
I came across your blog by accident, but I couldn’t stop reading your entries.
Thank you for your time and your stories. I wish you well in your journey and hope you the best in staying sober. I felt like a spoiled jerk after reading your stories. I started the holiday season thinking that I’ll quit my degree and dump my thesis. After this, I think I’m going beg my advisor to take me back and restart my thesis. Best wishes to you and your families!
Merry X’mas and Happy New Year,
Rob
Sam
December 28, 2009
I’m sorry to hear of your mother’s issues with your Christmas post.
Perhaps, it will help to hear something I tell myself often: Other people’s “nonsense” is out of my control, all I can do is listen, observe, and incorporate it, as much as *I* choose, as data in my life and continue to move forward.
Peace and happy new year!
Michaela
December 28, 2009
Hey! I saw you on vh1, though I’ve never seen any of your other work. You were my favorite on there, and it’s evident there is a wonderful and real person there. I’m glad you have the chance to get to know her, and that I got a chance to see your story. Good luck!
Anonymous
December 29, 2009
“Look, you go home…some wave their hats, some turn their backs. It’s all the same. None of them know where you’ve been. It’s all the same. You tough, honey? I think you’re tough.”
–Scott, in _Spartan_
Intransigent
December 29, 2009
J –
FWIW, you’re far less interesting UN-sober versus as you are right now; there’s likely a voyeuristic contingent out there waiting to see if you’ll trip and fall, but hoping you’ll continue to develop your 3 dimensional self as opposed to relapsing to some 2 dimensional kewpie doll.
Dirtybomb
December 29, 2009
Cliche.
fromhousewifetofilmmaker
December 29, 2009
This might help you or maybe not…One thing I’ve learned to not say are things that carry a negative. Like when you said, “I’m ‘not’ going to relapse today” Instead I take it to the positive I want to live. So instead in this instance I would say, I am sober all the time. I have found this technique to work for me, if it assists you to keep moving forward than I’m glad I mentioned it. We all need all the help we can get with our healing and coming out of the past.
BTW your not alone, your mom’s comment and reaction sounds a ton like how my mom reacts to things…and gets ‘hurt’?? It’s difficult to say the least. But then, they are doing the best they can.
Theresa Jane
http://www.fromhousewifetofilmmaker.wordpress.com
mAstr
December 29, 2009
You have to inhale the nitrous correctly! Enjoy it as a family event where each of you have your own can! Take 10 deep breaths before you inhale the gas, hold it until you feel it. Exhale, eat your pie as a family?
Lance
December 29, 2009
Your mom is so used to the way things were for the past six or so years that she cannot see where you are headed. She is worried that you will change too much and leave her behind. Reading your blog as she is she can see that there is a good deal of change happening. Some days the progress is visible to the naked eye. Some days the progress will not be obvious but even the little steps lead to the same destination. Jennie just keep enjoying the passing scenery as you move along the highway to a great new life in the promised land whereever it turns out to be.
Kevin
December 29, 2009
All of the reasons you gave about your mother are strong possibilities as to why she would be upset about your post. On the other hand they are just that, possibilities. The only way to know for sure is to talk it out with her. Being aware of those reasons will help you understand why she may feel the way she feels. Nevertheless, the only person who knows why your mother is upset is her.
When you make a change in your life it does affect those around you. The people you know may not be able to go along with you in your journey. Others will want to come along for the ride, and some may fall to the wayside. Don’t let it worry you, healthier and newer relationships will take their place. In the case of your mother, she’ll probably be somebody who you will want to take with you. Unfortunately, she’ll probably go kicking and screaming, so long as its a trip she isn’t ready to go on. Your going to have to enlist her into coming along. The best way to do that is to show her the benefits of your new way of being. In other words, lead the way by example.
Mike D
December 29, 2009
@ “These moments in between Christmas and the New Year are proving to be rather difficult in terms of substance sobriety”
This is a challenge, Jennie, but rise to it and see it off.
While I’ve always seen Christmas as cozy and meanigful (religiously now, but even in my most dissolute days it was meaningful in a family and getting folks together kind of way), New Year is sad and desperate: the excuse of a flip of the page of a calendar letting lose an orgy of pointless drunkeness.
Even in the days when I was up for everything, I always loathed New Year: there’s something darkly existential about it, like a drunk flipping the bird at the passing of time and the inevitability of death.
So staying sober through New Year has a special meaning beyond day-to-day sobriety: it means refusing the desperation and the futile gestures; it means taking ownership of what ever time you as an individual have, and living authentically within that time.
As you very wisely say:
“. . .when one person gets sober, it creates ripples in every person’s life around them. The butterfly beating her wings in Africa deal, and I see how my life changes have caused some life changes in those around me.”
Absolutely, and this is a wonderful moment to live in. You also have a responsibility to yourself and to others now to take this to the next level.
Don’t screw things up ‘For the sake of auld lang syne’, the dropping of balls, the blowing of horns, and the rest of that stuff that’s best left in the past and controlled through memory mediated through the power of the written word.
Jonathan
December 29, 2009
When I was drinking I used to call New Year’s Eve “amature night”. Says a lot, doesn’t it.
Peter Holden
December 29, 2009
I think you have a pumpkin addiction Jennie!
Pumpkin Pie, Pumpkin Cheesecake, etc…
We need to put you on a ‘say no to Pumpkin’ 12 step plan.
Seriously, glad to hear your holidays are going well 🙂
Mike D
December 29, 2009
Three ideas that I’ve picked up over the years in AA-
1) You’re only responsible for the effort and not the result.
2) Yes, you do effect people by simply being in recovery. 5 years into mine, I was part of an intervention on my aunt, and on Dec 31, she’ll be celebrating 3 years.
3) You keep doing the right thing, and everything will fall into place.
keep it up.
Mike
Derek
December 29, 2009
Jennie, I saw you on Dr. Drew. I don’t normaly watch that type of thhing but i was drawn to it. I am a recovering alchy of 19 years. I can relate to some of your thoughts, some not. Whatever.
Your Mom needs to stay out of your blogs if they are to be helpful to you. Maybe your Dad can help. From experiance, I would recomend staying away from places, people, and styles that are ANYTHING like the old you. Cut the ties.
Some complain it;s boring. Girl, you NEED boring right now. accept boring. Even if you feel you’re boring you never will be. Ordinary people, living ordinary lives, with ordinary kids,cars,houses, jobs (making “peanuts”as you called it on your porn site)are all part of a “normal” life most of us are part of. Living life on the edge, you too often fall off.
Good luck on your recovery. Take a long look in the mirror in the morning and decide who you’re going to be. The choice is yours everyday. You have the power!
Anna Welch
December 29, 2009
Don’t take this the wrong way, Ms. Jen, but I just wanted to tell you I love you. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but your honesty and candor are helping me feel brave enough to have those same things in my life, and I think it’s important to let people know that they mean something to you. Have a wonderful New Year, full of all the good things you want and need for yourself. I think you deserve it.
(ps. totally get the whip cream can thing. Totally. You rule.)
Kreshana
December 29, 2009
Thank you Jennie for being an inspiration to all of us-whether you think you are or not 🙂
Chicky
December 29, 2009
One thing someone said to me when I was in OA (and echoed by others here) is: “When you get into recovery, one of two things will happen to the people around you: they will either get better or get sicker.” Truer words have rarely been spoken.
In the Bible, St. Paul says, “Today is the acceptable day of salvation.” To me, this implies far more than a religious meaning. Today is all we’ve got. We talk about tomorrow all the time, but today is all we have, right now. Tomorrow is not the day for salvation, sobriety, recovery, forgiveness, love… it’s today.
Keep the faith on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. Do form your own healthy traditions. If you’re home when the countdown starts, hug your pets and say a prayer for those people you know from meetings. Do an act of kindness for someone to celebrate the New Year.
Mostly, take care of yourself. Continued prayers for health, happiness, recovery, peace, sobriety. Bless you.
shelly
December 29, 2009
your sensitivity and kindness were awesome on the rehab show…i wondered where you missed the boat on your inner beauty and all that you have to offer…you answered some of those questions on the show….
you are an awesome woman and i hope you get involved with ‘angels of the night’ in L.A. or something like that because there are many many young women in the world that can learn from you…
i know you have many other things to think about while you deal with your recovery…but just wanted to throw that at you…
regarding new year’s: eggnog or sparkling apple cider etc all taste better in wine glasses! it’s psychological but works….
i will look for your book when it comes out!
p.s. i have NEVER seen or known you as anything other than jennie and it wouldn’t make a difference anyway because you are an inspiration….
Joe K
December 29, 2009
One of my favourite teachers in school once walked into our class and wrote the following down on the board:
“Humanity’s greatest infidelity to itself is that it has made the truth “Corny”.”
Those American Beauty bag-in-the-air moments are valid moments. Each of the small simple things that we do in life are valid moments. They seem trite or we treat them like cliches because they are little nuggets of truth. I think that people dive towards the manic intensity of addictive behaviors or just straightforward emotional cynicism to avoid the reality and the validity of those moments – just to put them off until another manic or cynical or disconnected moment dovetails into the last so that they don’t have to look at the simplicity of how good it feels to wake up with family (either genetic or discovered through some other means) on Christmas morning, or how the breeze feels on your face, or any one of a million other little things. It feels like I’m preaching to the choir tho, because you know all of this already, Jennie, and you’ve worked very hard to learn it.
Thank you for your continual inspiration.
– Joe K
Matt
December 29, 2009
Jennie,
I definitely understand your dilemma between Christmas and New Years. The hardest part of it all is attempting to explain to friends and family that intoxicating substances trigger a downward spiral. At 24, it’s even harder. For New Years, I’m planning on making popcorn and watching the Twilight Zone marathon on sci fi.(NERD) lol. You’re a good writer, keep it up and give the newly sober something to read. 🙂
roy
December 29, 2009
im told.. “take the steps….anything else is just a sophisticated form of procrastination”
Brad
December 29, 2009
Jennie, you rock!
Melanie
December 30, 2009
I have been sober for nine years, and my relationships with those close to me continue to change. I’ve finally learned to accept that these changes are an inevitable consequence of my continued growth. I hope that with every passing day, and with every person I meet along the way, I am continuing to grow and learn. “We must not stand still.” Thank you for sharing your journey.
Lara
December 30, 2009
I think anytime one has lost something, whether it is drugs or sex or a relationship, the moments that demand tradition can seem like a gaping wound until we start new ones…and that can take time. Kudos to you for recognizing your desires, for owning them, and for taking the steps to surround yourself with support.
And the blog? Well, I’ve only been reading for a month or so, and with each entry your writing is better and better. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Pete Schult
December 30, 2009
Cool!
My addiction is pr0n rather than substances, but I can relate to the struggle you’re having now because my wife’s addiction is carbs, and this time of year is very difficult for her what with people bringing in all kinds of baked goods to work and all. I think your idea of creating new traditions for yourself is a good one. It’s nice to have routines that go with a particular time of year or whatever. If the routines that the larger culture has don’t work for you because of their destructive effects, then you wind up having to find other routines. My own experience along those lines involved finding a new community with healthy traditions after leaving fundamentalist Christianity behind.
Michell
December 31, 2009
You’re good, honey, you really are. Keep up the fight.
Nick (not that one)
December 31, 2009
“Wawawawa”… That was awesome. Nick and T-Dog would be proud.
Stefan
January 2, 2010
I’m from Sweden. Amazing post, Jennie. You are beautiful. And your growth is beautiful. Deeply moving. Thank you.