I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I’ve become not the man I was.
I wanna have friends that will let me be
all alone when being alone is all that I need.
Whenever the end of the year comes around, people start making resolutions. Ones that last a day, ones that flow throughout the year. With all that’s happened in the past year, a resolution of any sort aside from staying on my current path seems kind of silly. But I will make commitments. I will commit to certain things that I know I can do, that I must do in order to keep this positive change flowing. I am okay with making a commitment now, which is very different than nine months ago. Can you believe it’s been almost nine months? Talk about change. My resolution of 2009 was to begin building a relationship with my father. At the beginning of the year, I really had no idea what that meant, because I didn’t understand what a relationship is based upon. I had no concept of a healthy relationship, and so the resolution feels in vain. Up until the point where my life shattered, and a door to him I had opened as a result of this resolution allowed him a presence when pieces of me fell to the ground. He stayed close when I needed him to be close, and let me be when I needed to be left alone. He’s taught me, over this past year, how I want to be treated by a man. He’s given me a look at what it means to be a good daughter, and helped me to understand what it means to be a good woman. He’s given me a chance at the relationship I had resolved to build, even though I didn’t know how to build it. This past year, with my father, has been amazing. Has made up for the past 13 years where I didn’t allow him to be a part of my life. I’ve learned more about myself in this past year than I thought I could…. and all because I’ve been present to look at all the years prior.
I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.
And I wanna grow old without the pain,
give my body back to the earth and not complain.
In looking ahead, one cannot help but look back. Stehpen Elliott writes “We understand the world by how we retrieve memories, re-order information into stories to justify how we feel.” So if we are feeling a bit hefty after the holiday, it’s likely we’ll resolve to loose weight. Or if we’ve been drinking an inordinate amount of alcohol, or are lucky enough to have a moment of clarity where the moments that have passed suddenly make sense, suddenly fall into a glaring and beautifully simple light, we decide to do something positive for ourselves. Tons of people’s sobriety date is around the 1st of January. Looking back on my life, and this year, I can’t help but feel as though all the hiding I’ve done, every attempt I’ve made to feel natural and safe in my volatile place… it’s just not where I want to be. I want to grow old. I want to be happy. I want to be a strong and passionate woman, and hiding from myself, and my feelings make these things impossible. I don’t care if I fit in. I don’t care if I’m out of place. I just want to be me this year. I want to give back to the world, I want to help in the ways I’ve been helped. This past year, with all it’s ups and downs, has been the most blessed year of my life. And even though it’s hard to see how far I’ve come when I look in the mirror, the tiny glances I catch in my friends eyes let me know it’s all been worth it. It’s all been worth it.
Will you understand when I am too old of a man?
And will you forget when we have paid our debt
who did we borrow from?
There’s an old saying about footprints on hearts, how every person we run across leaves us with something. I’m not sure what that something is, but it is important, even in it’s most insignificant way. A painting I did for a friend who reads this blog, commissioned by his friend in secret, has touched me in a way I cannot describe. A smile from the Mercedes Benz guy I attempted to drop off my car (they couldn’t take it, going to a different dealership tomorrow) and a story of a dealership in Nevada that had over 100 people show up on the 1st to voluntary repo their car has touched me in a way I cannot describe. I’ve been making amends to people I’ve hurt in my life, and more than anything it’s made me realize how important it is I let people know I love, know that I love them every moment I can. I don’t want to be an old woman looking back on my life thinking “I should have told him I loved him.” I don’t want to live on borrowed time any more than required. I want to own every minute of my life, I want to live it as if it’s my own. This is my life.
Okay part two now clear the house.
The party’s over take the shouting and the people,
I have some business and a promise that I have to hold to.
I do not care what you assume or what the people told you.
Every year I spend New Years drunk and usually passed out or lost by midnight. One year, in San Francisco, I went out with 15-20 good friends and ate E. We got lost in the city, I ended up dancing in a seedy strip club somewhere in the Tenderloin, I didn’t work there, was just on drugs and wanted to take my clothes off. One by one, all my friends ended up in the same bar. We high fived, I continued dancing, and when the set ended, I gathered my clothes, we left, and ran around in the rainy streets. This year, I spent the evening with a very special gentleman, and we watched The Blues Brothers on his couch and ended up passing out. He woke around 2am, kissed me on the forehead and said “Happy New Years.” This is the best New Year’s in a long time. First, because I really like this guy, and second, because I really like remembering what I did. I have no idea when that other New Year’s happened, how old, what year, what strip club, what streets. I just remember the rain. I woke up the 1st of January, and the sun was shining.
Will you understand, when I am too old of a man?
Will you forget when we have paid our debts,
who did we borrow from, who did borrow from?
In talking with Deezy today, I realized I don’t want to live in debt. He shared an idea with me that I’d failed to think about….not debt like money debt, but debt like life debt. The To Do list. When things start piling up on the To Do list, I’m living in debt. Repo the car has been on the To Do list for months. And every day it doesn’t get done, I become more agitated. Things like laundry and housekeeping, taking sauce on hikes, or going to yoga. Books, ideas, the proposal and four chapters. I don’t want to live in debt to myself, worried about doing things I need to do that can easily be done. This year, I will live in the black. I have cleared a ton of the wreckage, and now, this years goal is to keep these streets clean. I don’t want the mess. Debt sucks.
I wanna have pride like my mother has,
And not like the kind in the bible that turns you bad.
My mom wrote to me. She called twice on the 31st, but didn’t leave a message. I called back and she wouldn’t answer. She text on the 1st and said “Happy New Year.” I wrote back “You too mom”. Today I received an email, she’s fallen off the wagon, says she’s sorry or that she won’t contact me if that’s what I want, which isn’t anything of the sort. I just want her to get help. I want her to be healthy. I don’t want her to die from alcoholism, and I can’t have a relationship with a mother that is a using alcoholic, while it may be selfish, it’s not safe for me. I just want my mom to be my mom. But right now she is very sick. And I will spend every moment I can this year being compassionate and loving toward her. Every moment I can.
And I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I’ve become and not the man that I was.
I said goodbye to a lot of friends this past year. Some people I knew inside out, some people I knew only peripherally. I’ve started to like myself, started to love myself, started to see a future beyond the porn business and life devoted to using and partying. I started to know who I am and what I stand for. I’m proud of the woman I’m becoming. I would be my friend today. Thank you for being my friend today.