“Some say that as we grow up, we become different people at different ages, but I don’t believe this. I think we remain the same throughout, merely passing in these years from one room, to another, but always in the same house. If we unlock the rooms, we can look in and see ourselves beginning to become you and me.”
Peter Pan (Thank You Ed)
Back in fall of 09, I attended my own funeral, well, the Penny Flame funeral out in Jersey. It was the last time I signed autographs as an adult actress, I tried to sell off the rest of my items and say goodbye to all my fans. This weekend will be the reception, the after party to the funeral, and while there has been some distance between both events, I think this event will bring the closure I feel I need. While in Jersey, I felt more along the lines of “Say goodbye to Penny Flame,” I feel this weekend is more of a “Say Hello to Jennie Ketcham.” I’ll be there with Angel, and some other folks I feel safe with, and it should go off without a hitch. I may make one swoop through the convention, but that has yet to be decided. Still bringing the megaphone, but not yelling through it in the drunken disorderly fashion I once did. Still the wild and quasi-crazy girl I once was, just with a head held high, and a gait with grace and integrity. Ahh how things have changed, and yet the song remains the same?
Dealing with more fraud on the account this morning. I had to wait for the pending charges to go through, which means that this criminal had more time to withdraw money. Has taken me for nearly a thousand dollars… I want to be angry and upset but can’t help but feel that whoever did this was a kid once, without intentions of growing up into a criminal, and wherever they are in their life where they feel that theft is the only way to earn a living is not a good place to be. I know what it is to do things that violate my boundaries in order to make money, and it isn’t a good feeling at the end of the night. I’m sure there will be consequences for whoever has done this, but I still feel compassionate for that kid inside, the innocent child who can no longer trust his adult self to take care of him in the way that’s right.
When I first entered rehab, we did an exercise writing a letter to our inner child, asking what we must do to gain his/her trust. My inner child wanted ice cream and to be left alone. Over the past nine months, I’ve done everything I can to show this child that I am taking care of her now, there is no need to worry about living an unhealthy and destructive life, and that she can trust me to protect her. This weekend I will protect my inner child, in honor of the criminal who is failing to protect his.