I’m back, safe and sound. No need to worry, no need for concern. Well, there was a brief moment of concern when I first arrived at the airport in Vegas, but by the end of the trip, with my sobriety intact, not only was I glad I came, I am glad to be home and done and out. The weekend went off without a hitch, there were some moments where my weaknesses became fairly obvious, but when I took a good look at where temptation would lead me, well…
I didn’t feel tempted to get back in porn first of all. In fact, walking around the Venetian, running into old friends, being approached on the show floor by fans who know the deal, it just reinforced my decision to be done. A decision I made over nine months ago is solid, concrete. I will not go back to porn, no matter what. One can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of “stuck” on the floor. Girls who feel like they are stuck in the business, guys who feel the same, fans who feel they are stuck to certain girls or guys. It’s a sticky business. Now, that I don’t feel stuck, I refuse to let myself even entertain the idea of return. A few people asked if I would still be directing. That would be a no. I don’t want to do anything for money that I am not going to put myself into 400%. If I don’t care about it, I won’t be doing it. I care about writing. About my paintings. Directing porn to pay my now meager bills? Not so much.
I was tempted to drink when I first arrived. Traditionally, the Vegas airport is kick off time to my weekend ball game, I have a drink on the plane out, grab one in the airport while I’m waiting for my bags, then it’s off to the Venetian to check in, drink and settle into more drinking. This time at the airport, I felt funny. Felt like I hadn’t entered Vegas properly because I didn’t have a drink in hand. I made some calls, reached out, and told myself that come night fall, I would remember why I am no longer drinking. Sure as shit…
The first party I hosted was at Foundation Room, a great moody and sexy venue with an amazing ceiling and incredible vibe. I met a guy outside by the name of MIchael, who was so drunk, he met me three times that night, and each time thought perhaps he had met me somewhere before. Oh the drunken memory of Vegas nights. Michael was a big turn off, everything I become when I drink, overbearing, sloppy, obnoxious, he was the epitome of where that drink at the airport would land me. I thanked him for reminding me of where I end up, and realized Vegas is a fairly safe place for an alcoholic who is present and aware to be. Our past is all around us, stumbling through the badaling badaling chaching of the casino floor, holding onto elevator doors puking, sleeping on the ground at the circle bar. As long as I saw myself in every way too drunk person there, I was at no risk of getting drunk. It’s when I see people having fun I may be in trouble. But even then, a three second reminder that I cannot drink like that is all I need, then it’s on to life and the pursuit of a good time sober.
I met a sober cab driver.
I met sober people from the biz I never knew were sober because I was always not sober.
I met girls who said they wanted to be sober, gave them my number and told them feel free to call me if they want to talk.
I even saw Mary Cary (Mary Ellen as I prefer) and while she was not sober, she entertained the idea of reattempting sobriety.
I stood outside the award show, waiting for Ron Jeremy to come out so we could hit our party. I harassed people with my megaphone, and got hugs from all my friends as they passed. Some congratulated me on winning Best Supporting Actress- a pretty awesome feat considering I’m out of the business- and most said they were proud. After the show, and during the party, I ran into two couples that made my night, and my entire trip.
First was Oren and Mai, my little lovebugs, Oren and I always questioned each other, I’d ask what the hell he’s doing in porn and he’d ask the same of me. We agreed to have a family night dinner, and laughing I told them I hope they live near a bus stop, they laughed and said they’d be willing to get me.
Second was Jimmy and Sarah, Jimmy reads this blog and was stoked to come say hello. They’d both flown in from PA, were staying in Vegas for the insanity of the show, and like myself, were smart enough to purchase drinks from bars not in the clubs. My drinks were always cheap though, Vegas laughs at the Shirley Temple.
We spent the night dancing and laughing, Little Buddha was not as full as my promotor would have liked, but I had a good time, and these good people made it valuable. I left Palms at 4:00am, clear headed and ready for bed, and after a ride in a vomit filled elevator (the stench didn’t hit until the doors closed), I was glad to have stayed away from alcohol, especially pink drinks that make pink vomit. Nothing worse than barfing in elevators. I know…
When I woke up Sunday morning, thirsty because I’m in the desert not because I’m hung over, the whole weekend made sense. Saying goodbye and hello, being able to dance and laugh without reason or rhyme. The enormous amount of people who liked me as Penny who like me even more as Jennie. I’m glad I went to Vegas this weekend. It was a beautiful end to an amazing beginning.
PS…Jimmy, if you are reading this, email me those pictures we took so I can post em up here 🙂 oxoxo