I love when the rain comes to Los Angeles. For minutes, hours of we are lucky, the eternal sunshine of our very spotted minds blurs into a dreary and wet downpour, the sky is falling chicken little, the sky is falling. Freeways become a mangled mess of metal, people stay inside, umbrella’s with cobwebs come out, if we own an umbrella at all. The only reason I have an umbrella is because it came with the Mercedes. Now the Mercedes is gone, the umbrella has come in handy. Ha. Who would have thought.
It’s been over two weeks now since I’ve bid farewell to the car, and to be honest, the only real difference is that I no longer have to search for parking each night. Aside from no longer paying for car insurance, or worrying about street sweeping, I’ve been getting around just fine. I’ve met some of the most wonderfully colorful people on the bus, an old lady claiming she’s the daughter of an Egyptian Ambassador, she’s now staying at the Gay and Lesbian Center in Hollywood, her bus pass didn’t work for some reason so I threw the dollar 25 in and sat down next to her for a chat. I met a guy named DJ from DC who insisted upon giving me his number, when I told him I’m involved he said perhaps I have a lady friend I can pass it on to. I met two junkies who have spent years beating themselves up with sunshine and needles, the woman’s eyes barely opened as the guy asked why they’d close down Hollywood Blvd. I ran into people I know, and people I don’t want to know, seen road rage from a distance and become thankful not to be a participant of that world. The day will come when I can afford a car once again, and who knows whether I’ll get one or not. It just doesn’t feel like that big a deal anymore.
I spent this rainy day eating cupcakes and watching John Wayne movies with my guy, he lives down the street from a cupcake joint and knows how much I love them, (the pajama pants covered in cupcakes especially bought to wear on rainy or sad days is a dead give away….), I had a cookies and cream cupcake and an english toffee cupcake, and the sugar hurts my head like the shirley temples did the other night. Funny how sensitive I’ve become. My caffeine tolerance, however, is surprisingly high, and I’m sure I’d only know the effects of it if I were to quit drinking it. Kind of like alcohol. I never realized how much I depend on the stupid liquid to make me fit in, or help me socialize or relax or any of that until I quit drinking it. Fun times trying to readjust to adulthood sans alcohol. My day with caffeine may or may not come. Cigarettes on the other hand…
I had quit smoking cigarettes in 2007, but looking back, I guess I didn’t really quit because I started smoking so many blunts my nicotine intake didn’t really change. I went on the patch and smoked at least an eighth of pot a day, at least…. I tried to quit again back in September, but to no avail, I just wasn’t ready. I had originally set my quit smoking date at my year sobriety date, April 6th, and I think I jumped the gun on quitting. I was excited. I thought, “well shit, I can quit drinking, quit drugging, quit fucking, I bet I can quit smoking too. I am a quitting fucking queen.” Turns out I’m not, I’m just human. So I’ve embraced cigarettes for the time being, and once my year sobriety date rolls around, those will be out the door as well.
Growing up is so funny. Every day I find something else that effects my body. My bones get achy with the rain. My throat gets dry when I turn on my heater. If I have too many cupcakes or shirley temples, I wake up with a sugar hangover and regret the choices of the previous day. Awareness is a bitch. At least that’s what I hear in the vast rooms of recovery.
I’m really enjoying being aware though. Tonight, I went through all my bank statements, looking for unusual charges and jotting them down for my adventure to the police department tomorrow. I’ve waited until now so that I may walk in there with a cool head and not break down crying. It’s never good to file a police report crying over money, I would assume it makes it harder than it needs to be. I want to be cool and collected, handle this like a business transaction, because that’s what it is. The most disturbing thing I’ve learned, by going through all these statements, is that two of the transactions actually took place at a Chase ATM, at a fucking bank, and they still denied me. A bank I’ve never even been to, in an area I never frequent, but… again… awareness is a bitch, so here I am, aware of where I’ve been and where I haven’t been, able to recall what I’ve been doing on certain days and I gotta say that feels pretty good.
So it’s off to bed to dream of police reports and paint brushes, tomorrow after I file and hit a meeting, I’ll be spending the afternoon finishing the Golden Gate and organizing my comfortably cluttered home. And even though it’s quit raining, I can still hear the water slushing in the streets as cars pass my house. My little happy apartment in Hollywood, it’s nice to know where I am. Goodnight folks….xo
Becoming Jennie 
DarkLour
January 19, 2010
Your a Good Writer, you should think about writing a book, perhaps bio :), I quit smoking 2 months ago, cold turky, after about 4-5 days that super urge goes away but you know that 🙂 and its best to quit one thing at a time, been through AA myself 🙂
BTW peewee’s playhouse was on TV tonight lol I like him too. ..night 😉
Kevin
January 19, 2010
G’night. Good luck with sorting out the bank thing in the morning.
C.W. Cale
January 19, 2010
So many songs about rain floated past while i read that post. Jill Sobule’s “Rainy Day Parade” seemed most apropos. I started feeling bad for you about the bank thing, then I pictured you outside, head held high eyes closed enjoying the rain. Like a lot of shit in everyone’s life, it’s just a detail, it will pass.
Keep rockin’ on!
davy
January 19, 2010
Cupcakes and quitting smoking will turn svelte Jennie into pudgy Jennie. You know it’s true, so be ready. I dare say kicking both the sugar and tobacco habits simultaneously will take more fortitude than anything you’ve accomplished before. Ask me how I know?
Lane
January 19, 2010
It’s nice to see you’ve created little rituals for yourself. Regularity like this can give you focus and help with the clarity. I know you are the Queen of lists and I remember an earlier post where you needed to form some kind of stability and consistent schedule. Well here you go… good job. Just stick to it.
Russ
January 19, 2010
Good luck with the police report. Hope it goes
ok for you.
Steve
January 19, 2010
Look at it this way, you have a $75,000 umbrella.
I still say get a bike…or is riding a bike in L.A. a form of suicide?
Me
January 19, 2010
Hi Jennie,
It’s so funny how different we can see things. Your car was everything to you and now you’ve reached a point where you don’t care whether or not you get another one again. Me, I’m 42, and just got my drivers license 6 days ago. I resisted it my entire life out of fear and I finally accomplished it! I think not driving all these years has been one of the things that’s kept me from growing up – being dependent on buses and els and cabs to get home with my groceries. Now, buying a car is the biggest thing in my life. I enter car contests every day, and I’m putting away every spare dollar in my car fund till I get one that I can afford outright with no loans or interest involved. I admire your newfound love – or at least toleration of – mass transit. I’ve always viewed it as a detriment….
Walter
January 19, 2010
Jennie….would share with us a little more about how much pot you used to smoke, the expense of such a habit and the effects it had upon you before and the difference now? Please?
Lance
January 19, 2010
Jennie I remember when you said you were going to stop smoking. At the time I thought that you might be going an addiction too far. Maybe she can do it but most people cannot even give up just one of her previous addictions by itself. As life goes forward I think you may find it easier to give up the cigs. The thought of how much better the rest of your life is improving will be a major factor in proving to yourself that those little white sticks do not have much strength in them if you lean just a little.
Have a good day Jennie.
CanadaPat
January 19, 2010
U make me smile!
Jay
January 19, 2010
I think you are great and a good writer too.
Invisible Mikey
January 19, 2010
Good luck on quitting tobacco! I KNEW you would get around to examining that, since much of your time is currently spent learning about addictions. How could you not look at an obvious habit that holds no real benefits and so many dangers for your long-term health? They say it’s as hard to quit as heroin, but the physical detox is only 72 hours. It’s that nasty, sneaky psychological dependence that takes discipline to master. (Brain, brain, go away. Come again some other day.) You can do it, though. You have good doctors to refer you and help you with it.
-I posted about compassion fatigue, bad movies, and 3D lately.-
CJ
January 19, 2010
Huh, I wasn’t aware bus rides could be such neat experiences. Though I have had one experience with such adventure now that I am thinking about it, I encountered a delightfully chipper pakistani girl whom lived outside of Houston.
That lass was enjoyable company for the hour or so on that bus trip to Galveston.
Marc
January 19, 2010
I am glad to see things are going in a positive direction for you. Change is good.
Haven’t kept up with what has been going on with you. A friend sent me a link to your new blog. Glad to see you are Jeannie again.
Would love to talk. We knew of each other briefly, back when you were Penny. I preferred to think of you as Jeannie even back then. Hit me up and I will discuss where we knew each other from.
P.S. stay out of the rain!
TheKid420
January 19, 2010
If your getting rain that means snow will be on the way for The Kid soon eh?
I’m impressed with how well you are doing without the car. I’m very excited that you have hooked up with a guy. Everything is going in the right direction now. Honestly the smokes and coffee, I mean if that’s the worst thing you have to worry about I think you are fine. My concerns are more about the bank card at this point. Since the criminal as using it in some form of proximity to you, I assure you it’s someone you know. Maybe it’s a guy at the cupcake place, but most criminals aren’t going to duplicate a card to use at an ATM. On top of that having the PIN number? I wouldn’t rule out a neighbor or someone who could have nicked your mail, but I am betting right now it’s someone who stayed with you, some ex guy etc.
To side track for a second, I would lie to send a message out to forum regular Matt.
Matt in your last post you almost reached levels of cognition I thought beyond you. While I disagree with almost everything you say, I would love to see more of your comments going forward aimed at constructive criticism over the typical bash to the face, you suck post you always make to Jennie. Have you ever thought that for some unknown reason she let’s your comments on here? She doesn’t censor you, she lets you speak your mind, and yet you trash her with every comment you make. Do you think that just once, maybe you could look at the positive things she has done and post a compliment or perhaps something acknowledging her progress? Maybe it’s to much to ask, but honestly why not give her a chance, have faith in her commitment to turning her life around, and offer your thoughts based on that? There’s nothing wrong with constructive criticism, but it’s like you are rooting for her to fail. I would guess if you could just try to be cool, it would mean the world to her that someone who has been as strong a critic as you could give her a chance?
Jenny
January 20, 2010
I think that Matt dude is the one messing with your bank. He is just that kind of an Ass.
Carlos E.
January 19, 2010
Hi!
I recently found your blog. I’m not ashamed to admit I was a
big fan of you in your former career. I’ve always believed you are a very beautiful woman and I’m glad to see you’ve found a new career. You are a talented writer. Keep up the good work. Wish you the best!
catherine lowe
January 19, 2010
Nice post there Jen! Hope you have wonderful day tommorow.
jesse
January 19, 2010
I once quit for a medical study. The money was great but I had a terrible night and ended up doing cocaine for the first and only time. I must have been out of my mind. Anyways, the idiots I was with said it would be out of my system by the next morning and when I went in to do my nicotine test I failed. I think the doctor was too embarassed to say I had coke in my system so she just told me it was nicotine. Ah, I love cigs
Felix
January 20, 2010
Giving up Caffeine is an interesting one. I quit the last time I had flu, early 2009, Coffee started to taste like soil and didn’t fancy tea. I was too ill to notice the lack of caffeine headache.
So when the flu went I didn’t have any Diet Cokes, Coffee, Tea, whatever and i’m not exaggerating the world becomes a different place. Your threshold for being bothered about stuff, trivial or otherwise goes up to the point, the whole world seems so much calmer.
For a week anyway, then just the smell of freshly ground coffee or seeing some kid in the street slurping a diet coke sends your brain into an obscene craving for caffeine.
So my cold turkey lasted about 9 days, then not only did I start drinking coffee again I was drinking about double.
So when I work out how to quit that stuff, I think I put it in writing, make it official, its got to be worth it.
If you can quit caffeine and stick to it, you deserve a medal.
ginnaworld
January 20, 2010
Hi Jennie, I was glad to hear that you are thinking about quitting smoking. One thing that helped me a lot when I quit was thinking about how much money I saved by not buying cigarettes. I had that money spent a dozen different ways in my head!One of the things I bought to counteract weight gain was running shoes. For someone with an addictive personality, running is a reasonably healthy alternative. It can be almost like meditation.
reja
January 20, 2010
Economy of words. Learn it. Live it. Your posts are incredibly difficult to wade through.
fromhousewifetofilmmaker
January 21, 2010
Missed making a comment to this post the other day. I read it but never had a chance to comment. So, just a brief minute to say… I love how you speak of awareness. Very insightful. And an interesting thought to consider of my days when I like you was caught in, as you state, the drugging, drinking, and fucking. And although I have to squint as the distance is so far away, somehow their memory can can make me shutter and prick at me with yet another moment of regret and the wish that I could have stayed aware and avoided all that mess. And frankly although I rose out of the d,d,and f-ing I never did quite make it into real awareness for 20 more years. I’m thankful for you that you are where you are today, when you’re still young.
Theresa Jane
http://www.fromhousewifetofilmmaker.com
matt
January 21, 2010
Have you ever considered that you were just too stoned to recall wiping out your own account? or who knows…….maybe slipped any other type of drug by someone? It’s a possibility with the “winners” you surround yourself with. Just a thought to consider.
matt
January 21, 2010
To the kid420, I read your comment and honestly, I appreciate your candor. You have a great point and believe it or not, I ma a very sensitive person. However, there is a big difference between giving someone support that is truly looking for it and giving someone support that just wants play a game of pity while using you all here to further promote her agenda of selfishness and self promotion. I am not confused as much as you all are on what this is really all about. I don’t even have a personal thing against jennie. However, I do have a thing with this self absorbed bullshit with no accountability at all. It’s the type of crap that is wrecking our society as a place of caring and compassionate behavior towards others. You are all confused as to what Jennie is all about and for that, I amm sorry
James
January 24, 2010
I don’t smoke so I can’t comment on that….but I recently quit my two main vices. I have Atrial Fibrillation – essentially an irregular heartbeat and I only recently got back into rhythm after several years by taking heavy doses of various drugs.
Anyways being paranoid and not wanting to do anything that would possibly take me out of rhythm I quit both caffeine and booze.
Booze isn’t that hard for me as long as I’m busy – it’s when I’m bored that I want to drink.
Caffeine however was hard. The first few days I felt like a bloody zombie, however after that it was like I didn’t need it at all to be alert – a good night’s sleep was sufficient.
Anyways I hope you can quit smoking. You’ve conquered everything else, so I know you can do it!
Mark M.
January 25, 2010
The nice thing about rain is you don’t have to shovel it. Unlike here in Wisconsin.