I’ve been working on my memoir for quite some time now, writing and rewriting, trying to polish the three of four chapters I need to submit with the proposal, and while I’m feeling good about certain parts, I have to admit I’ve taken on a huge task in what I plan to do with the book. Something I know I can accomplish, with work. A ton of work.
I’ve decided to write the memoir in the present tense. I’ve made this decision for a couple different reasons, aside from feeling it creates a more dynamic story, and keeps things moving at a fast pace, I can’t help but feel as though I live my memories every time I start to think about them. Like Proust’s madeline, the cookie takes me back, and suddenly I’m in the first place the soft cake touched my lips. I want the memoir to begin by living in memories and finish by existing in the now. I want that to be the story arc, the journey that is learning to exist in this very moment, something I’ve struggled with and only have fleeting moments now. Moments of being entirely present. They are beautiful, and strong, and something I try to stay in, but staying in that moment soon turns to living in the past and… well… it’s just a tad disorienting when I’m trying to write something entirely in the present. I want my readers to be able to follow, I don’t want them to have to turn the page back to see where we actually are in the story, but I think I can accomplish it with more work. Hence the slacking on the blog. I’ve been playing with my words, and it’s fun and it’s challenging. I’ve also….
I’ve fallen in love. Head over heels in love with this man. I’ve felt like I’ve been falling for quite some time, perhaps from the first day I met him, but over this past week, it’s become blatantly obvious that love is the only way to describe what is going on inside my heart. I introduced him to my Dad over the weekend, we went to San Diego and met up with my family, went to dinner, and watching him interact with the people I love most, sitting by the ocean watching these huge waves crash on the rocks, sleeping next to him at night and waking up next to him, I can’t lie to myself and say that I’m not. The truth of the matter is I’m head over heels in love with him.
I’ve been afraid to tell him. I think the fear stems from feeling I don’t deserve to be in love, or to be loved, or even to love, and I don’t want to live in fear, I don’t want to let fear run my life and the way I interact with people around me. Fear of being hurt, fear of being alone, fear of financial insecurity, fear of death, all these fears have dictated how I’ve spent my time, they are the fundamental reasons I’ve closed off my heart, and opened my legs. And every night I ask that these fears be removed from me, so that I may be useful to my higher power and my fellows, and every morning I wake up and am a little less afraid. Today I said fuck it. I don’t want to live in fear of being in love with him. Or in fear that we can hurt each other or that I will end up alone. I’m not alone right now. We aren’t hurting each other right now. And I am trying to live only in this moment now. And this moment now says he’s wonderful and charming, and funny and intelligent, and I’m completely and totally in love with this man.
There. So. Now. The world knows. My heart is not frozen as I had been convinced it was. In fact, it is warm and beating and perfectly content.
I’ll probably be updating the blog 3-4 times per week while I’m finishing the proposal, and once that’s done, I’ll start giving little tastes of the book. I’d love my readers feedback….
Have a beautiful week…