This is the first time I’ve been sick, really really sick, since I quit using. Normally, when I get sick, I’m already so medicated I don’t notice anything until I’m in full blown shitsville, chronic bronchitis and strep a 3-5 times a year type thing. This time I started feeling under the weather, noticed an extra sniffle, a deeper cough, and knew it was coming. Honestly didn’t know what was coming, it’s been a long time since I’ve been real girl sick, but I knew something icky was about to happen. This is icky full force.
It started Monday night when my nose was runny and I had a tickle in my throat. I saw Jill Tuesday and told her I felt like blah, also told her I’ve never been sick in sobriety and don’t know how to be sick without drinking whiskey to numb my throat or smoking pot to help me cough shit up. I grew up taking cough medicine, nights where I couldn’t sleep I had cough syrup waiting on my nightstand, and I wasn’t sure I could be sick without taking something.
I tried my best to make it without, but wednesday hit and I couldn’t stop coughing, couldn’t go more than 3 minutes without coughing, coughed so much my stomach muscles ached. Still do. I finally told my good nurse/care taker that I need some medicine, and want him to give it to me as prescribed. I took two teaspoons and slept like a baby, woke up coughing and he gave me another teaspoon, and yet another in the morning.
Thursday afternoon I woke up around 1pm, rested and feeling much better. I slept the majority of the day, not sure whether it was the aftershocks of cough medicine or just the flu running it’s course, but sleep has been good and while I haven’t accomplished anything in the past week I have caught up on my sleep and feel good about the whole experience. Sickness is funny. I hate it. I’ve felt so good since April I’d forgotten what it feels like to be sick.
To cough so hard I think I’m dying.
To lose sleep because my throat is on fire.
To have a foggy murky head and not be able to have a conversation.
I told him before I took the medicine how nervous I was and he said he understood. I was nervous it would spiral me into a full fledged relapse, and just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it won’t. I have to stay close to my program, stick by my support system, be open and honest about when I take medicine and how much I take. I don’t want to slip and slide down that slope, I just want to get better.
So I’m still in bed, watching sappy movies trying to feel good. Sorry no update, this is the first day I’ve felt up to writing, and hopefully it will just go up from here…