Back in the Saddle…

Posted on February 8, 2010


ahhhhh…. the joys of being healthy.

Well, not quite. But certainly on the path to recovery. On that Broad Highway. The incessant seal hacking cough has subsided and turned into a chunky juicy productive cough, one in which all sorts of interesting things are coming up. Probably too much information, but hell, I share everything else here, why not the color of my spit. It’s gross.

I want to thank you all for you concern and advice for the flu and picking posts. While the sickness is going away, I can’t say there has been too much headway on the face destruction front. The awareness is a big part. Being aware of when I’m doing it and pausing to try and figure out what is going on that sent my hands searching for imperfections. Most the time there is nothing there. Well nothing visible. But I guess most our problems aren’t surface, and the thing I’m realizing is they are solved by scratching that surface. It’s a deep deep thing. And even as I dig at my skin there is just more skin. and blood. But I’m getting better with it. One thing that has really helped is rubber bands around the wrist. Just a little snap with the band and I’m back into reality, one of those grounding moments, hands in my lap, feet on the ground, here we are on earth kind of deal. Another thing was telling all of you, and talking to Jill and Dr. Reef about it. Jill suggests bubble wrap, to keep those hands busy, which I know will drive people bonkers. Reef said it’s a low level anxiety thing and we need to figure out what I’m so anxious about. Maybe it’s being new in a relationship, it’s that vulnerability and raw level of honesty I’m approaching the situation with. Maybe it’s the occasional discomfort of feeling in love with someone. Oh yeah…

I told him. I told him that I’m head over heels in love with him and that I want to kick him like a 3rd grader and hold his hand like an old lady. I think I actually told him I love him and then kicked him. Fortunately he said he loves me too, so… guess that fear can be taken away. There is the big… what now. What do I do with love? Sit back and enjoy the feelings? It feels mushy, like mud between my toes. Worry and stress about what tomorrow can be? I’m not going to worry or stress. At least I tell myself that. I try very hard to live in the moment, and when I’m with him it’s not difficult. I also don’t fuck with my face when I’m with him. I suppose that says something, although I’m not quite sure what. In any case, the cat is out of the bag. In fact…

I did an interview with Chris Connelly last night for “Nightline.” They also interviewed Dr. Reef and Jill, all about sex addiction and what treatment entails, what the aftercare is like, and it was probably the most respectable piece I’ve done aside from Oprah. It was neat because we spoke not only about treatment and aftercare, but how life can change as a result of dealing with these issues. I got to talk about this blog, and the memoir, and HuffPo and my artwork, and Chris even asked me about the boyfriend and what that whole thing is like. Which is funny. Ten months ago I had a hard time telling one person I love them. Now I’ve told all of America I’ve fallen in love with one person. The gifts of sobriety and that Broad Highway.

Another gift was talking to Big Will from Sober House, which will start airing come March. He wants to organize a panel for Pasadena Recovery Center with as many of the Rehab people as we can muster. I told him I’d love to come speak, and I’d love to help organize so tomorrow I’ll be calling up the people I’ve kept in touch with to see if they’d be interested in taking a trip down memory lane out in Pasadena. I also have some good news about that big giant problem with that big giant bank but I want to get some things settled before I write the piece. But things are working themselves out, just as I’d prayed to Gravity and knew they would.

I’m a tad off tonight, suppose it’s just from coming out of a 5 day spell of coughing fits and sleepy romantic comedy time on the mans couch, but I’ll be back here more regularly, perhaps not every day as I’m nearly finished with the proposal (time to polish) and a few new paintings… But I’ll be here. Thank you all, for all your help and advice and love and positive vibes. My love goes out to you….

Posted in: Good Days