Secrets and Lies

Posted on February 18, 2010


Can you lie next to her
And give her your heart, your heart
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
And confess your love, your love
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before the king
And say I’m clean, I’m clean

I’ve always held something back in relationships. I’ve held something private for myself, selfishly saying that to reveal these deepest darkest secrets would hurt the person I’m with, when in actuality I was trying to avoid confrontation, trying to save face, to keep myself from being hurt. I didn’t understand then that secrets and lies were the reasons I’d use, the reasons behind the pain in my heart. I’d open in part, open the parts of me I wanted to share, the lovely little pretty things about myself I felt represented who I am and shoved the things I disliked aside for another day. Those relationships didn’t last because those little things I shoved aside were always glaring in the eyes of others, even though I thought I’d done such a great job hiding. Every week in therapy with Jill, I start by saying any secrets or lies I’ve been keeping, addict tendency to keep secrets and tell lies a common theme. This week I realized I have a big secret I’ve been keeping from my boyfriend, and last night as we were driving to his home he said he trusts me. I felt sick. I’ve never had an issue keeping this secret to myself, until this whole recovery thing, until sobriety, until I fell in love with someone. With all of him.

But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

I didn’t sleep well. I woke and felt different, felt myself shutting down emotionally. I couldn’t look him in the eye. I went to the doctor with him and the secret screamed inside of me, wait for the perfect time, wait for the perfect time. There is no perfect time to be honest, to be 100% honest. There is only now. I didn’t tell him at lunch. He left me at his house and went back to work, and I called a few old friends. One said it is a secret they will die with, the other said it will be a beautiful test of the relationship, it’s a conversation she’s had before and depending on his character, the outcome will show where you can go together.

A white blank page
and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think
when you sent me
to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention
but denied my affections, my affections

I text him when I thought he was done with work, text him I have a secret I need to share with him and I want to talk when he gets home. Not the best method I admit but I knew I had to put it out like that or I would see his face and be too afraid. I live in so much fear when I keep secrets, fear that I will lose what I have, or not get what I want, and after half a day of wretched emotions I fell asleep on his couch for three hours, texting him when I woke up. He came home and we talked.

So tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

I told him that I love him, and I should have told him sooner. I told him my secret and my fears of losing him. How afraid I was that he’d hate me. I told him he is the kind of man I can see myself growing old with, and I don’t want another day to pass where he doesn’t know my deepest darkests… He told me he loves me no matter what. That he’s glad I told him, and he will be mad about my random “I have a secret” text another day. But that a secret like this makes no difference in the way he feels about me. That that’s what love means. It’s unconditional. And I cried.

Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole lie
Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole lie

So now he knows all of my darkest secrets. It feels fresh. Clean. I feel naked for the first time. Like everything has been stripped away and he still, he smiles at me. I don’t wear make up around him, I don’t censor the words that come from my mouth, from my heart, and I know deep inside that there is nothing I will ever have to withhold from this man. I’ve never been able to see myself with anyone past dawn, and I see myself with him…Period.

Today, I have no more secrets or lies.

Posted in: Beautiful Days