I woke up this morning and felt inspired. Inspired with life, with love, with the changes that are possible if I put in the work. I sat down and read the many comments on my previous post, and decided I needed to do something to move this whole party forward. I started looking at colleges, started researching what I need to do to return, and took the first steps, the only ones I can take at this point in time, to make it all happen.
I got on the SDSU website and found my transcripts. I did very well until I quit giving a fuck and started partying. I had a 3.67, and the decline of my grades directly correlates with the increase of my pot smoking and drug usage. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out though. So there are 5 courses I’d like to retake, two C+’s and some classes I just dropped, and then two courses I need to finish my general education work. Thankfully, because I was a business major, the units easily transfer into what I’d like to pursue now.
I sent the transcripts over to Santa Monica College and enrolled to attend starting in summer 2010. I figure I can have these classes finished by the end of Fall 2010, and hopefully be ready to transfer to the school of my choice by 2011. It’s between a BA in Human Sexuality at Cal State Northridge and a BA in Psychology at UCLA. The financial cost of UCLA gives me some low level anxiety, but I figure I’ve already accepted the enormous amount of debt I have with Mercedes Benz Financial and I didn’t get shit out of that deal. At least I’d receive an education…
My next step is to set up a meeting with a SMC counsellor, talk about my plans and future, and what kind of grants and scholarships I can receive. I was on a full ride academic scholarship to SDSU… fucking fuck fuck…. and while that may or may not happen again, it’s certainly worth a try.
I also told Reef and Drew about my morning activities, Drew said I am a rock star and Reef said my potential is such that he’d be angry with me if I didn’t go back to school. Told my dad, Mr. Man, Deezy, Angel, and everyone agreed it is the thing to do. Still, the low level anxiety pumps in my little heart, and in talking with Reef, I tried to decide what this anxiety is all about.
Is it the idea of starting over? Is it realizing just how much I blew off when I quit, started doing porn, and said “fuck it” to a real future? Is it that the idea of pursuing something I actually care about terrifies me because there is a risk of failing? I hate failing. That’s why I got in porn in the first place. It’s really hard to flunk out of being a pornstar. But college? Hoping to be accepted to UCLA to pursue a degree in Psychology? And a step further, dreaming of pursuing a Masters at SFSU so that I can be a sex therapist and sex addiction specialist, to help people in the way I’ve been so graciously helped? Are these extravagant dreams? Are the promises I wish to make to myself unrealistic?
I can only have faith that they are not.