After writing my post yesterday, I sat in my bed, half lotus, with hands resting gently on my knees. Palms to the sky. I asked for my tendency to focus on the negative when I’m surrounded by so much positive to be removed, I pleaded with something greater than myself to take away the desire to be liked and loved by all, begged to have the need to control what others think of me shot from my fingertips like rays of light. I want to be useful. I want to have purpose. I don’t want to lash out at one silly comment when there are so many beautiful things unfolding here right before my very eyes. 
I woke this morning, and felt a little better. Still off kilter, but better than last night. I received a text from an old friend who’s been having all his mail sent here, asking if I’d be around tonight. Perhaps I should give some back story…
I few months ago, a friend asked if he could have his mail sent to my house because it doesn’t seem to get to him at his PO box. I agreed, figuring I see him often enough that his mail will still be delivered in a timely fashion. I really agreed because I feel guilty. We’ve been friends going on 5 years, and he’s always tried his best to help me. And I always did my best to help him. Sometimes, the help I was able to give did not equal the help he gave me. But we continued in this manner and our friendship grew. We’d have sleepovers, non sexual, just sit in bed watching Whale Wars and eating froyo. We’d go for hikes. I’d watch his dog when he left and he’d watch mine. Right before he asked to reroute his mail to my house, I told him I wouldn’t be spending the night anymore. I felt it was prohibiting me from being okay with my “aloneness” and decided if I am going to lay my head next to someone, I want to be 100% intimate with them. He asked if I was falling in love with him. I laughed and said I’m afraid I won’t be able to fall in love with anybody else. Shortly after that, the mail situation started happening, and over this past weekend, he decided after a week and a half of not getting his mail, he wanted to come by and pick it up but I was out at Mr. Mans in snuggletown and hiding from the Oscars.
The whole situation was more drama than I wanted. This morning, when Mr. Mail text me asking if I’d be around tonight, the conversation turned very passive aggressive, and I told him we should talk like adults instead of 13 year olds with our thumbs. I started talking about boundaries and how I’m trying to maintain healthy ones, and don’t have transportation to get him his mail, and blahblahblahblahblah. And then it hit me.
Aside from the fact that I am experiencing some new feelings (PMS? I don’t know, I’ve always smoked pot so this whole period without weed to chill me out is new), I realized I’m participating in some old habits. Like not maintaining healthy boundaries with random people on the internet who may or may not be a professor. That I’m participating in a drama club I know is unhealthy for recovery. Instead of lashing out at this random person I could have said “Thank you for that information. It is not my own personal truth, but I appreciate your desire to communicate how you feel and am glad it works for you.” When Mr. Mail text me “Great attitude” and I responded “I enjoy yours as well,” I could have said “Thank you I’ll see you at 7.” Instead I chose to open this whole can of shit and spray it at everything I could. And instead of sitting here writing about what I could have done instead I could be writing about what a lovely day I had hiking and painting. Neither of which I did because I was too busy feeling cunty.
I told Mr. Man I’m feeling cunty and he said I’m a cunty love duck.
Which made me smile. I bought some yogurt from Famima and the clerk called me “my sweet” and that made me smile. I saw Alice in Wonderland with Angel and another homie, and they both made me smile. It took over half the day for me to remember I can choose to be happy and smile just like I can choose to be a cunty love duck. Every day I’m alive there are millions of choices to be made, and each choice will design my happiness. I design my own happiness. Just like I design my own misery… I think tomorrow I’ll just be a little love duck.
Becoming Jennie 
Peter Holden
March 10, 2010
Jennie, what would your advice be for someone stuck in a rut, where apathy is taking over?
I just realized in 14 days I bring up a year without a Full Time Job, after things ended with lawyers.
How do you get rid of that ‘sick’ feeling and get the ‘mojo’ back?
Regular Reader,
Peter.
Pete Schult
March 10, 2010
One of Cheri Huber’s books (That Which You Are Seeking Is Causing You to Seek) has a section where she talks how perfectionism might better be called imperfectionism. Often we trip ourselves up by focusing on the tiny, possibly unimportant areas where something’s wrong in the midst of all that’s going right. Glad to hear you’re getting over Professor’s comments and some of the other drama in your environment. Hope tomorrow’s good.
Rob
March 10, 2010
I’ve not dealt with addictions personally, but I have been fighting depression problems for most of my life.
I too, am trying to get my life back on track, and trying to figure out who I really am.
The reason that I decided to comment was that I find it very difficult sometimes to not focus on the negative things also. It’s actually one of the hardest habits to break.
Sometimes you need to stop yourself when you become aware of doing it (as in when you’re in that situation).
It sounds like you’re trying to do all the right things, so here’s a little advice:
Give yourself some credit for the progress you’ve made and don’t kick yourself for what you still have to conquer. 🙂
Hellbob
March 10, 2010
Hey, I’m sure that other people are going to say this but I figured I’d throw my support on top of them. You have a right and an obligation to stand up for what you believe in. To speak out against those that would foist their judgments upon you unfairly is only partially due to a need to be liked. Focus on the part of you that is gaining confidence and becoming comfortable with understanding your own views.
Your response was well thought and considerate. You acknowledged his points, but underscored his lack of respect or consideration of your statements. He left no room for discussion, so it was the right thing to do to call him out on the hypocrisy of his condemnation.
Keep up the good work!
/R
Michael
March 10, 2010
Not entirely clear on the ‘duck’ thing.
What did I miss, and can anyone post a link to an archive (prior page) that explains ‘The duck’?
Got that some friends aren’t very grown up. Not that a bit of Peter Pan isn’t fun now and again, but nobody has the right to rag on you when you are helping them out with THEIR problem.
That’s not just low class, it’s stupid.
B
March 10, 2010
Troubles falling away…like drops of rain off a ducks back!
One of my favorite teachers, Byron Katie has often said, If I had one prayer it would be this: “God spare me from the desire for love, approval and appreciation”. Because this belief is the direct route to the hell of a false identity.
Namaste!
Aaron
March 10, 2010
Just don’t forget that it’s ok to mad sometimes. And everybody needs a place to vent those feelings. You’re doing so good, I really love seeing how far you’ve come and continue to go.
Lance
March 10, 2010
Jennie your first paragraph is an exact rewriting of where I was at your age. Your feelings about friends and wanting more is so much the same way I felt and feel that in that way we are the same. You are the same age that I was when it finally dawned on me that for whatever reason even though I wanted to have more friends people were not going to all like me
Twenty two years later I am happy pretty much all of the time by concentrating on all of the good things in my life and having put the one area not doing as well in its own little room and closing the door. It is always there but why should I worry about controlling the one thing in my life that is beyond my control?
For what it’s worth I think that you could consider a fair number of your blog readers as true friends in your daily life who you just have never met.
TheKid420
March 10, 2010
Two things…
What did you think of Alice? Saw it this weekend and was surprised it was more like Wonderland revisited than the original story. Depp was great as always but something seemed empty about the movie. I like at the end when Depp/Hatter dropped the sword.
Two, and this plays into my last post. Men, and I of course am speaking as one, rarely if ever are going to be hanging around a girl that looks as good as you do without having some thought of things developing further. You have the curse of being so attractive that it going to cloud a guys mind. The reason I say this plays into the last post is as long as you need attention, and you have admitted in the past you don’t have that many girlfriends, and have men around while you are dating someone it’s going to be messy. There are a plethora of men you will encounter in your life that are supportive, loving, and fine with being just friends, or at least that’s what you will get upfront. 99 out of 100 are eventually going to expect something. While from your end you may tell them upfront that’s not going down, if your hanging out with them and having sleep overs, regardless of how innocent they are, you put yourself in a position where you are asking for stalkers. The large majority of men are not going to be able hanging around someone as good looking as you without going nutty sooner or later. If you want to build a base of guy friends avoid the following, a few off the top of my head…
1. Any guy who talks about how f’ing crazy all his ex girlfriends are. In truth he is most likely the nut and has drove them away.
2. Any guy who comes off as too good to be true to an unbelievable extent. These are the guys that live to portray themselves to you as perfect. A good check for this is to state two completely opposite opinions to them on the same subject at different times, if they blindly support both without debating you , watch out. They are playing a role to get to another end. These will also be the doods who are always bashing your current boyfriend.
3. The pseudo father. This will be the guy who is always giving you advice, about everything. This soft passive aggressiveness will lead to him trying to control you down the road.
I’m lucky enough to have a large group of friends, about half women, all of them attractive in different ways. I have observed that attractive women have it tough. The unattractive women hate on them out of jealousy, the weirdo guys stalk them, it’s a hard road love. I like what you were saying about setting personal boundaries. You’ve got a solid guy in your life now, focus on him. He seems real cool and if I were betting I think he will be with you for the long run.
As always, I’m just a goofy stoner in Detroit so what do I know.
danny
March 10, 2010
If I could have a ‘cunty love duck’ Jennie, I’d want her to be just like you!! 🙂 Don’t let anybody throw you off track. You’re doing great doll.
Leah
March 10, 2010
Hi Jennie,
Saucy is the cutest dog! I love those pics of the two of you you post. My boy looks just like her except he’s white & brown. I wish they could meet but we’re in Germany, so that’s not going to happen 😦 …and re. ducks: here’s a blog that I love and maybe you will, too.
http://www.fluentself.com/blog/
When I found it I spent days reading the archives and found a lot of valuable stuff. Havi is such a cool girl and so are you. Rock on – Leah
Carolyn Engstrom
March 10, 2010
I love ‘cunty love duck’. When I am feeling a bit…grrrrr-y my husband calls me a ‘Poutypuff’….which always makes me smile….
Jacob C
March 10, 2010
One thing Dr Drew once said in an interview with Jimmy Kimmel is that what people do, they do out of pain. Things are not going to be fixed for you over-night. The more open and honest you are with people, the more they will generally cut you more slack.
Relationships are tough. Right now I’m drowning in my own thoughts, nevermind a relationship or even friendships. Maybe you and mr mail should have a little time apart. I mean maybe a year apart, then get back together. Time usually can heal problems, and right now it sounds like you’re getting into a bad relationship rut. Make sure he agrees though otherwise you’ll just aggravate things…
JC
Invisible Mikey
March 10, 2010
One of the things my best therapist drilled into me was:
You can’t control what others will do, though you may influence it sometimes.
You can have complete control over how you REACT to what others do.
It seems you understand this already. (So smart!)
-I wrote about how to get along with clerks.-
Meyhem
March 10, 2010
Rule 1 : don’t beat yourself up.
You are GOING to do stupid things and feel stupid about them. (me too.) You are going to do smart things and feel stupid about them. you are going to do stupid things and feel smart about them. You will even do smart things and feel smart about it. (for me mabye once a year, but I am talented)
I have been known to let somone push my buttons, react, and then feel stupid later. (God damn it I am supposed to be the button pusher!) Hell I even discovered that putting your fist thru a solid oak door is harder than it looks, at the cheap price of a broken hand. Now THAT was stupid. I was even sober.
It’s all lessons, often painful, but I don’t punch things when I get pissed anymore.I CAN BE TAUGHT DAMNIT!
Rule 1: don’t beat your self up (Because it’s all lessons.)
Luck and Prayers
Meyhem
John Omar Larnell Adams
March 10, 2010
Hi gorgeous Jennie!
How are you?
Hope things go better for you.
Stay happy my favorite person.
k
March 10, 2010
hey jenny i like ur writing and i liked you on vh1 too. ur honest and hardcore about changing and thats fucking awsome. thats what it takes in this world to surrender to our disease. im an addict to drugs(opiates) ive been clean for a few 24 hrs now :). and worked the steps and learned about myself and on and on. but ya id like to chat recovery sometime. lifes fucking unbeleiveable today huh? i know mine is, theres ups and downs but mainly ups. i have depression also. and i hate myself sometimes also. but i can’t dwell. hope u get something out of this.
Mae
March 10, 2010
I didn’t know cunt could be made into an adjective. Douchey, sure, but cunty…. :-p Don’t let the haters get you down Jennie!
David
March 10, 2010
Establishing boundiries is an excellant idea sometimes, Especially with certain but, people this is a difficult task.The bounderies I mean. But, sometimes with some people there is no rapport builiding and jenni people whom are unable to not build rapport are going to suffer thier own fates. Jenni I couldn’t be more happy watching your progression the way your maturing as a lady is amazing. Daily you and I basically strive for the samethings which I think are positive coping mechanisms and often I relate to your stories Jenni I too was a sucessfull in my own career but have left because of adictions and I no longer fit in there. Now just like yourself I’m commiting to a community college to one day become a teacher. Your blogs give me strength regulary and remind me that thier are others with the same ambition. maybe one day could send you my story of recovery
Baron S. Cameron
March 11, 2010
Here’s to being a little love duck.
jd
March 11, 2010
Translation
“I’m not getting mail at my PO Box, can I use your adress to have it delivered too”
Really means “I’m to cheap to come up with the $156 a year it takes to rent a PO BOX, so can I just use your adress for free”
This is Boundry issues galore, he’s asked for the Favor, but he’s telling that your the one responsible for the consequences from his lack of action and the your to be availble at his convienence to fetch his mail.
F’ Him tell him to be a Man and get a PO BOX or Live with his mail delivery at your convience.
Scythe Juggler
March 12, 2010
im sitting here reading your blog for the first time. before i visited things were feeling dark and desperate. you’re words and inspiration are at the very least a beacon in what seems to be a dark void. i know this doesn’t sound cheery, but you’ve given me hope that maybe things can change. you’ve faced far more adversity than i and still come out stronger. good luck, hope to be half the person you’ve become.
Susan
March 12, 2010
What a lovely way you’ve been able to recognize what’s going on in your head & world, without beating yourself up.
Kudos.
Brendan
March 12, 2010
If you’re not feeling up to intimacy yet, which is perfectly reasonable, then I, for one, would definitely recommend you NOT have sleepovers, whether they’re explicitly sexual or not. Having a guy over to spend the night, or spending the night over at a guy’s place, is probably not a good idea if you want to maintain abstinence for now. I would say at this point it’s okay only if the guy is a brother or a platonic friend you have had since childhood (and in the process of inviting him you make completely clear to him what your personal boundaries and goals are). I hope I do not seem overly forward or insensitive when i say that you strike me as a bit of an exhibitionist and somewhat needy when it comes to personal attention (though by no means pathological in my opinion). It’s certainly a common predicament, needing attention. I just think that you would be best served exploring your loneliness and re-establishing your SELF. What you really need is to become fully self aware (which isn’t easy, and perhaps never complete, unless you believe in the jivanmukti). Once you see yourself in everyone and everyone in yourself, then you can begin to explore other people more calmly and confidently . . . and without that nagging feeling of neediness with which we all sometimes struggle. Stay strong, and take it easy.
shanti,
Brendan
Theresa Jane
March 16, 2010
Negativity is a monster that will gobble us if we allow it to won’t it? God knows I’ve been negative the majority of my life. Coming from the histories that we have has a real way of propelling that aspect and it’s a struggle to come out of. Very recently instead of focusing on me “not being negative”, which I realized actually gave my negativity more attention, I switched that around to focusing and meditating on being grateful. It’s been a powerful thing for me to do… I’m seeing results in my attitude. So far I have to make a conscious effort to remember to practice redirecting my focus and make gratitude into a way of life. Being positive and living in a constant state of gratitude tends to run contrary to the world around us, which seems to be a fish bowl of negativity and the pull to “do likewise” is strong. So this “switch over” takes work for the best of us.
Before I go I want to say, I think you’re doing great. You really take your healing seriously. Keep it up and you’ll get everything you want.
Theresa Jane
KCB
March 29, 2010
I’ve always tried to live by the philosophy that at least 80% of the time, the world is what you make it in your head. You can choose to be the person you want to be – you can be in control. You can catch your bad mood and decide that you don’t want to be that person today, and instead walk away, take a deep breath and roll everything around in your head like a rock tumbler – take those ugly old stones and polish them into smooth shiny ones, stick them in your pocket and go about your business.
Most of the time, I’d rather be that person. Sometimes, though, I’m just gonna decide that I need to be a cunt. And you know? That’s okay too.
ian
April 2, 2010
hey i know its kind of irrelevant just wanted to say that you seem like such a cool person and im glad to see that you are doing well and staying out of trouble. typing from psp so ill just end it with that dont want to waste anymore of your time so bye