The morning feels light. Last night I went to a yoga class, and near the end, the instructor asked the class to relax, lay back in savasana, he led us through a brief guided meditation. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
He spoke about how we are not our bodies.
How we are not our minds.
How our bodies are changing at every moment of every day, and we can never actually be something so inconsistent.
How our minds change with the patter of our hearts, and we can not be something so varied.
How we look for happiness and moments of serenity in physical things, and these things only provide moments of physical pleasure because our changing bodies. This is not sustainable.
He spoke of something greater, said that we are something greater, something permanent, the collective we, the spirit of the world.
Hippy dippy shit I know, but it seemed to help calm the nerves.
Normally, at the end of class, I look forward to the post class smoke. I fell into the same pattern last night, but half way through the meditation, he started talking about ice cream, saying that once the thought arises, we are already down the street, purchasing and devouring. There is no pause. If we can pause, we can remain present.
I slept fairly well last night, but mostly because the patch came off at some point in the night, sticking itself to the sheets and pumping the bed with nicotine, and patch dreams didn’t keep me running around like a mad woman. I showered, applied some birthday cake lotion (I smell so fucking yummy I can’t stand myself), made tea and sat outside chewing a straw while looking through Twitter.
I was on the same page yesterday with you Jeff (my british photo friend), ready to light things on fire and rip people’s heads off. There was an incident in the laundry room, another man washing his clothes took all my quarters by “accident.” He nearly paid for it with his life.
Today I am feeling much more calm, much more comfortable, much less jittery. I know this feeling, just like the ones I’ve experienced the past three days, will not last. But I can enjoy them while they are here, and hopefully remind myself of the impermanent nature of all feelings once the terrible ones return.
PS, looks like I may be doing LoveLine Sunday night… I’ll keep you posted. (I seem to be really bad at warning people where I will be, so… this is a good start)