We took an ultimate bike ride today. All the way down Venice, Santa Monica and back. Parked at Urth Cafe (and by parked I mean locked the bikes) and took a stroll down main st., wandered through the farmers market listening to the bluegrass band playing and kids laughing riding the ponies.
The ponies were not laughing.
I took Mr. Man into every store that had smells. Most turned out to be very expensive smells, but they were nice to smell anyway. We flirted with the idea of buying longboards to mash around the beach, looked at beach cruisers and drank lattes. He had a mocha. We watched kids at the skatepark, five year olds to fifty year olds, grinding rails and doing ollies.
I didn’t want a cigarette once.
Not until I came home and we started to relax. Boredom is such huge trigger for me, no matter how hard I work out or how busy I am, the moment I take time to do nothing is the moment 7 minutes becomes eternity. The moment I find myself powerless and remember my behavior makes my life unmanageable.
I never would have accomplished the things I did today if I took time to smoke.
At seven minutes a cigarette, and 30 cigarettes a day, I spend roughly 3 and a half hours smoking. 3.5 solid hours where my lungs are filled with smoke.
My skin has started clearing up.
The skin on my chest is smooth again (Mr Man revealed it had become quite tight- but not in an offensive/ meanie way-he said “Babe! The skin on your chest looks so soft!).
I’ve been inspired to ride every day. To walk saucy every day. I’ve already made a new friend at the dog park- which I wouldn’t have done if I was sitting quietly in the corner puffing away.
I haven’t worn make up for the past two days.
Again, I know this pink cloud will burst, but I’ll continue enjoying it until then.
Thank you all again for your love and support. The encouragement and kind wishes help me so much, and whenever I’m in doubt, I come here to remember I’m not in this alone.
Jacob C
April 11, 2010
I’m happy for you, I really am. Here, a very real concern – your skin, has cleared up or is starting to clear up and that’s awesome! More and more you seem like your life is getting back in order.
Just remember to take every day as a new day. Have you aired out your house? Is it warm enough to do that? …. Anyway why not mention what foods you find most enjoyable in your next blog? Me personally, I love cheesecake, Chicory (yes you can eat it), lemon pie (fresh bakery made), Lasagna, and Salad. Oh man Salad is awesome. It must be nice living on the west coast, I’ve never seen the Pacific ocean.
I’m rambling, too long of a message. Take care Jennifer, sleep well.
Stacey
April 11, 2010
So awesome! Keep it up! God bless.
jesse
April 11, 2010
keep it up mami!
firstverb
April 11, 2010
Miss Jennifer,
You are a role model for many people, thank you. You are taking action, and doing what it takes to overcome this little 12-year-old demon that wants his nicotine. His power over you is becoming less and less everyday. Thank you for getting up everyday and doing what is right, and becoming that force, that light, that will help lead many away from their own demons. I hope you have a great night, and that tomorrow is a day full of positive non-triggering activities.
“To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Have a glorious day.
NEJeff
April 11, 2010
Good show on Day 6. Day 4 was the make or break for me when I quit smoking cigarettes. On my 4th day, I dug a half-smoked cigarette stub out of my butt-can and brushed the ashes off of it, holding it to my lips with a lighter and my thumb on the wheel. Then I put it down and said, “I’m really done with this. It’s time.” And that was that. After the first week or so, the physiological cravings abated, and after the second week I didn’t look back. This past February 8 was my 5-year smoke-free Anniversary.
Isn’t it great to smell and taste again? Not only that, you get to avoid all the other nifty smoking byproducts like ashen complexion, raspy voice and yellow fingers, not to mention early gray hairs. Oh yeah, and you get to smell like birthday cake, not ashtrays.
Whoa. This soapbox is awfully high, I’d better climb down now.
That’s better, enough proselytizing, just hoping to give you a bit of encouragement in exchange for the inspiration I’ve found reading your posts.
July 5 will be 5 years alcohol-free for me, too, and it feels pretty awesome.
So remember faith, and as they say, “Leap and the net will appear.”
And thank you for sharing, it matters.
~Jeff, New England
Melissa
April 11, 2010
Venice is such an awesome place i love to ride my bike down the path they have along the beach line and sometimes stop to enjoy the random drum circle started up on the grass!
Im listening to you on Love Line!! Not to be weird but ud be an awesome radio host…not that people wouldnt miss being able to see you…just that you have a hot voice! 😉
JeffersonCoker
April 11, 2010
you inspire me… seriously.. you do.. thanks for you being you
Jena
April 11, 2010
This just goes to show that smoking has been obscuring your natural beauty from the world. Keep the makeup to a minimum… I think you’re much more beautiful without it. Natural is always better, especially on you.
Curtis
April 12, 2010
This is my first time on your blog, I have to say that if you ever write a book I’ll certainly read it. Thank you for your courage to write, I know it helps many people and it is great to know how you are doing. It’s funny how after watching the Celebrity Rehab shows we feel connections with the people we are watching, and we pull for them to make it though their addictions. That’s the magic of TV for you I guess. Well we are all pulling for you Jennie, and even if the pink cloud does burst, there will be another one to follow. Now adding this to my RSS feed and a Twitter follow. Take care of yourself and keep the make-up off, your more than enough without it!! :^)
Big Mama
April 12, 2010
Jennie: Hang In There! I’m down to about 5 a day instead of a pack and a half…and I find myself looking for things to do because I actually have energy! My hardest time is in the car..I feel your pain and joy…
Haji
April 12, 2010
Consider how much of that time was spent doing nothing other than consuming a cigarette. It’s almost like adding hours to your day you didn’t used to have, isn’t it? I know we don’t know each other, and this probably doesn’t mean a whole lot, but I am proud of you, and I’m not the only one. Congrats on your brave new world!
Jeff1photo
April 12, 2010
I came on to check what day it was, and then of course I have to do all this math. So… Monday minus eight hours = Monday!
Day Seven
Jeez! talk about hard work, and yes I am going slightly nuts! But it’s day seven, and I feel like I’ve made it! And then maybe not, because I’m still having flashbacks to the good times we shared. Sitting in the grass, watching the waves on a beach. Sharing the good times at the football matches, celebrating with each other or crying when we lost. Or just lying in bed together… all 21 of us.
But day seven, 2pm, it’s sunny, hot and pretty damn gorgeous. I think I’ve only thought about *********’s 234,456 times, which is twice less than yesterday.
Lean closer! can you smell this hair? This is what non smokers hair smells like. Coconuts! and here! D and fucking G
Now go and find a mirror, stick your tongue out… I’m going to bet it’s PINK. Not green and yellow and brown and furry! It’s PINK!!!
Shit, I forgot you don’t do mirrors. Ask Mr. Man to have a look. Just go aaaaahhhhh
Bet it’s Pink!
Jay
April 12, 2010
I don’t know if this helps you, but one of the little slogans they have in the “Freedom from Smoking” program is: “The urge to smoke will pass, whether you smoke or not.”
Zach
April 12, 2010
“Again, I know this pink cloud will burst, but I’ll continue enjoying it until then.”
What does that mean? Do you expect to start smoking again?
becomingjennie
April 12, 2010
It means that the easy time I’m having right now, the high I’m getting from not smoking will pass and it will be difficult again at some point. I’m not thinking ahead in terms of smoking. I’m just not smoking today.
Steve
April 12, 2010
I am rooting for you Jennie hope you stay clean and sober. Gives me hope that treating addictions can work. Stay strong, enjoy life and try not to be afraid of your emotions.
Eric
April 12, 2010
Hey Jennie, totally awesome! Great progress! I know what you mean about boredom, is a big trigger for me. One has to stay busy. Something that’s helping me is to harvest awareness in my mind. As soon as I feel something is not feeling right I become aware and modify it. I think the more aware we the better we will be.
Ps You should try mountain biking with mr man. Los Angeles has some kick ass trails all over.
🙂
Jan
April 12, 2010
I really admire your strength amd willingness to open up and share your experiences with everyone. Godspeed…
Pierre
April 12, 2010
The world around has so many lovely fragrances! The fresh smell during and after a rain, coffee brewing in the coffee maker, trees and other fauna in bloom, as well as the odour of cooking/baking making our mouths water. Keep up the good work Jennifer, explore the world around you with a sense that you have been missing for a number of years. Have fun!
Glen
April 12, 2010
Good job J. I’m also getting back on my bike after along spell. I have a 7km comute to work so I get a good work out…..& if I can keep it up all summer & lay off the wings n burgers for lunch my “food baby” should be smaller. This should make my heart & wife happy.
I know what your going through with the smokes. I went cold turkey once I wad out if the army and it was like pushing a piano up a hill. Stick with it J the first bit is always a slog but it will get easier and before you know it…..presto no more cravings.
Ciao for now from Glen up in Canada.
Michael
April 12, 2010
Mr. Man sounds like he MIGHT be a keeper.
justin zaslaw
April 12, 2010
good luck on your path to self discovery.
when you find it, id sure love to know how you did it.
Karen
April 12, 2010
Dear Jennie,
Keep it up. You are doing so well and are such an inspiration. I love reading your blog for inspiration for my life! Thank you.
Mae
April 12, 2010
Great job on the past 6 days, good luck with the rest of the 7th 🙂 Keep it up!
Ryann
April 12, 2010
Good for you, Jennie! When you hit 30 days I’ll make you a Junior’s cheesecake, Bay Area style, and ship it south. ; )
Donna Berthiaume
April 12, 2010
The pink cloud may burst, but it will turn into a rainbow of colours. Enjoy every second, it is soooo worth it!
Luke
April 12, 2010
Good job! I am happy for you that you are taking a big step and quitting. It takes a lot for someone to quit. My sister finally quit after several times, but she did it and I am glad she did it. Just hang in there and keep up the good work. Peace.
knichole84
April 12, 2010
I need to buy a bike. I’m glad you had fun! Keep yourself busy and when you aren’t try to focus on something else. Good luck!
Kate
April 12, 2010
I am a complete stranger with no influence on your life. But I am so proud of you. I know that you can do this. You have overcome so much, this struggle will also have its ups and downs, but you will get through. We’ve already seen the champion in you.
Tony
April 12, 2010
You’ve been a great inspiration to me personally. Keep up the good work.
Pat King
April 12, 2010
It’s probably an internet cliche by now but I’m a long time lurker, first time poster. I’ve been reading your blog for about six months now and it’s posts like these that remind me what it is to truly enjoy life. Like many who read this blog, no doubt, I’d have never known you existed had you not worked in the adult film industry. But, like you, I’ve come to realize that there are certain aspects of my life that weren’t as glamorous as I once thought they were.
I nearly overdosed on cocaine a year or so ago, and have always fought with a tenancy towards escapism. When I was small it was video games, then masturbation, then drugs, then a combination of the three. Now, I’ve always been thought of as a smart, likable, rational guy. I’ve never had a problem with my love life or my professional dealings – I’ve never been fired – but, left to my own devices, I stagnate and wallow, indulge and depress. When I read posts like this, I have faith in myself and want to get back to these simple things that I know will be more rewarding than all the drugs in the world. I’m in film school right now and suffering from severe writers block, and still struggling with my addictions but believe in my own strength and the strength of my friends. And when I read your blog posts, I can only make parallels and some ethereal connection with you. So, thank you Jennie, for giving me someone to sympathize with on your bad days and someone to emulate on your good days.
Cheers.
AB13
April 12, 2010
Ms. Ketcham,
You are a true inspiration. I have recommended this blog to so many people already. For people and friends going through what you are, for people and friends who know people who are going through it and for people who just need to know that good things happen in this world. Your words and message are filtering out to many, like scattered rays of sunshine through the trees and haze of a foggy forest at sunrise. You have my support in your endeavors. Congratulations on your continued sobriety, success, your new feelings, and blossoming love.
(PS. If I had a question that I would rather not ask you in the comment section, is there another place to send such a question? Is the ‘askingjennie@gmail’ link at the top of your blog such a place?)
TheKid420
April 12, 2010
I haven’t rode a bike in a long time. I remember being a kid and riding a bike all the time, no stop. It’s strange how many things we move past as we get older, and probably not for the better. I’d ride a bike tomorrow if I had one.
There’s another thing I miss from the old days, painting large rocks. Doesn’t seem like anyone does that anymore, but it was fun also.
Nice work on getting past the cigs love.
Ocean
April 12, 2010
Buy longboards and wetsuits, your life will be full of ocean, sun, water, wind and waves. But be careful bc this healthy outdoor addiction could become additive bliss of saltwater and sand in your hair. Surfing is good for you. 🙂
flowerchild
April 29, 2010
Jennie, You are awesome and I’ve been following you on Sober House and the show before that. I’m so glad that you’re allowing us into your life with BecomingJennie.
Please tell me the best place for me to start reading your blog as I’m a little mixed up in how this goes. Thanks a bunch and keep up the good work! :o)
limewire
April 30, 2010
wow amazing stuff dude.
Noah
May 7, 2010
Hey Jenn, I thought you were great on the show, and by that I mean bravo for your clarity, insight, and ability not to get caught up in all the drama. What an incredibly non condusive environment to stay sober…I just don’t know if TV and recovery will ever find a way to peacefully co exist. It was just so apparent form day one that if anyone on that show had a real chance to stay in recovery it was you! nothing against any of the rest of the group but it was clear that you were coming from a totally different place energetically speaking. I was on a realty show with a bunch of absolutely bat shit spoiled rich kids in the mountains for 3 weeks and can only say it took every bit of my inner buddah to keep my shit together. Of course the stakes in your situation were as high as it gets and for that I found it even more impressive that you were able to negotiate your own path towards recovery. It’s such a strange thing why some are able to grab that rope and pull themselves up while for most others it seems to be just out of reach. Anyway, I have never written anything like this before but for some reason I felt compelled. You’re sincere desire to reclaim your life has no doubt inspired many others. You have a quiet inner strength and innate insight into life that is rare indeed. I hope your new life, new relationship and new path continue to unfold with all the joy and grace you deserve. yeah, ok… I guess that’s pretty much what I wanted to say 🙂