With week one at an end and week two at the very beginning, I feel like counting weeks instead of days. It’s getting easier each moment, and yet more difficult, if that makes any sense. I put my patch on yesterday at 11:30am, and had the same one on till 5:30pm today, usually I worry the nicotine will run out after 24 hours (as it says on the box) but today I surrendered to the cravings. That is not to say I gave in and smoked, I just surrendered to the fact I will have cravings, and they will pass if I let them. I have a new patch on now, and will begin tapering off after week two, but it was interesting to allow the craving to flow through my body without feeling the overwhelming urge to act upon it. That being said…
Today was a very busy day. Filled to the brim with meetings, phone calls, friends and a bit of Law and Order. It started early with a meeting in West Hollywood, I spoke and shared my story with a room of friends, made a few new friends, and went out to West LA for a session with Jill. Duncan took me, was kind enough to tote me and Saucerton around all morning, and we chatted about his Darling NYC, about my Ducky Mr. Man. We talked about where we were a year ago and how astonishing change can be. Especially when we don’t realize we are changing until we look in each other’s eyes.
Speaking of change, I had the pleasure of learning a lesson today from a girlfriend of mine. As issues regarding money are usually areas of contention for me, and most I know, it is not surprising that when a miscommunication came up about money spent, I had to search for my part in the issue, be willing to state my needs, my truth, and what I am willing to do to make this right. After a TON of talking about which way is the best and cleanest way to proceed, (with Jill, my lady D, Deez, Mr. Man, Duncan, Angel) I made a tough phone call and did my best to be compassionate and honest, to share where my fault was in the miscommunication, and hold my boundaries for what part of the cost I am willing to absolve.
Conversations like these are never easy.
Actually, my usual and past behavior would have me paying the full amount, feeling guilty that someone had come out of pocket, and over compensating by overpaying; regardless of my financial situation. The current situation of my finances is okay. Not okay to the point where I can throw money around, or give money out where I do not feel it is due, but okay in that I am comfortable paying for what I’d agreed to pay. My problem has always been keeping with this when it means potentially hurting another’s feelings.
I cannot live my life managing other’s feelings, because when I do I become inauthentic.
When I quit speaking to Duncan a few months ago it was not because something he had done. It was because I was unable to stop worrying about his reactions to things I would say. I was afraid to share things with him, afraid to be my authentic self, and living in that kind of fear was not only a disservice to me, but also to him. Because he deserves true and authentic friends. I wrote him a letter at one point saying such, that I didn’t feel I could be authentic with him, or the friend he needed me to be, and requested a bit of space until I had my feet on straight. Today, we hung out the vast majority of the day and I had the honor of watching him let someone go with more love and grace than I imagined possible when saying goodbye. Whether he has grown in his recovery or I have grown in mine does not matter because I believe even when we are apart, we still manage to grow together.
It was difficult today because it was a beautiful day. Because it was a challenging day. Because there were parts of the day where I wanted to scream, and parts where I felt like throwing my hands in the air to wave my tiny white flag. But it was a good day, over all, a good day to be cigarette free. And a good day to grow, and be alive.