With week one at an end and week two at the very beginning, I feel like counting weeks instead of days. It’s getting easier each moment, and yet more difficult, if that makes any sense. I put my patch on yesterday at 11:30am, and had the same one on till 5:30pm today, usually I worry the nicotine will run out after 24 hours (as it says on the box) but today I surrendered to the cravings. That is not to say I gave in and smoked, I just surrendered to the fact I will have cravings, and they will pass if I let them. I have a new patch on now, and will begin tapering off after week two, but it was interesting to allow the craving to flow through my body without feeling the overwhelming urge to act upon it. That being said…
Today was a very busy day. Filled to the brim with meetings, phone calls, friends and a bit of Law and Order. It started early with a meeting in West Hollywood, I spoke and shared my story with a room of friends, made a few new friends, and went out to West LA for a session with Jill. Duncan took me, was kind enough to tote me and Saucerton around all morning, and we chatted about his Darling NYC, about my Ducky Mr. Man. We talked about where we were a year ago and how astonishing change can be. Especially when we don’t realize we are changing until we look in each other’s eyes.
Speaking of change, I had the pleasure of learning a lesson today from a girlfriend of mine. As issues regarding money are usually areas of contention for me, and most I know, it is not surprising that when a miscommunication came up about money spent, I had to search for my part in the issue, be willing to state my needs, my truth, and what I am willing to do to make this right. After a TON of talking about which way is the best and cleanest way to proceed, (with Jill, my lady D, Deez, Mr. Man, Duncan, Angel) I made a tough phone call and did my best to be compassionate and honest, to share where my fault was in the miscommunication, and hold my boundaries for what part of the cost I am willing to absolve.
Conversations like these are never easy.
Actually, my usual and past behavior would have me paying the full amount, feeling guilty that someone had come out of pocket, and over compensating by overpaying; regardless of my financial situation. The current situation of my finances is okay. Not okay to the point where I can throw money around, or give money out where I do not feel it is due, but okay in that I am comfortable paying for what I’d agreed to pay. My problem has always been keeping with this when it means potentially hurting another’s feelings.
I cannot live my life managing other’s feelings, because when I do I become inauthentic.
When I quit speaking to Duncan a few months ago it was not because something he had done. It was because I was unable to stop worrying about his reactions to things I would say. I was afraid to share things with him, afraid to be my authentic self, and living in that kind of fear was not only a disservice to me, but also to him. Because he deserves true and authentic friends. I wrote him a letter at one point saying such, that I didn’t feel I could be authentic with him, or the friend he needed me to be, and requested a bit of space until I had my feet on straight. Today, we hung out the vast majority of the day and I had the honor of watching him let someone go with more love and grace than I imagined possible when saying goodbye. Whether he has grown in his recovery or I have grown in mine does not matter because I believe even when we are apart, we still manage to grow together.
It was difficult today because it was a beautiful day. Because it was a challenging day. Because there were parts of the day where I wanted to scream, and parts where I felt like throwing my hands in the air to wave my tiny white flag. But it was a good day, over all, a good day to be cigarette free. And a good day to grow, and be alive.
JuanLoco
April 13, 2010
Change isn’t good or bad…it just is. Don Draper. My Hero.
hepkat
April 13, 2010
How many hours of sleep do you get at night?
Alex
April 14, 2010
Jennie-
Thank you so much for responding to my comment yesterday. Gratitude and fear lists have been suggested to me before, yet I have never tried them. I think I might, since they seem to help so much. I think that my anxiety stems from fear of the unknown. I fear a lot of things, but now that I have worked the steps, I have the tools to deal with those fears. I can experience the beauty that life has to offer as long as I practice the principles of recovery in all of my affairs. It means so much to me that you took the time to read what I wrote. You are an inspiration. Congrats on a week without cigs. Keep it up!
Btw, you were fucking awesome on Loveline!
❤ Alex
firstverb
April 14, 2010
Miss Jennifer,
Thank you. Thank you for being a feeling, living, growing, part of the world.
Have a glorious day.
Pierre
April 14, 2010
It’s amazing how somrtimes we fret over the most stupidest things, and money does seem to be one of the worst. Money makes the world go round, or so they say, but sometimes we find ourselves trapped in the money game. You can be miserables with money, you can be miserable when you don’t, it goes both ways. Nice to see that you are finally coming through the fog, that cigarettes and other vices have us locked into. It’s just more baggage that we carry, which ways us down sometimes. Enjoy the beautiful day!
Laurabel
April 14, 2010
Ah, I’m just catching up… I could not leave the patch on at night – I had to take it off at least an hour or so before bed – because it gave me exhausting lucid dreams. If you’re putting it on as late as 11:30 am and leaving it on all night, that’s probably causing your weird dreams. Hand in there, though! Maybe the gum would help if you woke up in the morning with ccravings and needed something to tide you over until the patch kicked in. Hang in there, and know we’re all pulling for you!
friend22
April 14, 2010
Jennie
You so cool n very nice hope u have a great day
Den
April 14, 2010
Just think some day soon Jenn you can count months then years. It’s awesome and Beth and I wish you all the luck in the world. You can do it girl! I also deal with the paying for more then my share and have done so for years. I need to work on that also, God knows I am not made out of money.
Love ya,
Den
MSM
April 14, 2010
Jennie,
Loved the “dog fart” comment yesterday. Having an old boy who muches about in the yard eating who knows what, only to later clear the room with his odoriferous gifts that at times has hang time to rival Michael Jordan.
I also noted your list of favorite writers and hope you have had a chance to visit the Paris Review site and read the interviews with Kerouac, Burroughs and Henry Miller. Fascinating insights into these literary giants.
One question if I might, why have you not considered hypnosis to deal with the quitting smoking?
Glad to read that you have reconnected with Duncan. I read his blog from time to time. He seems to really love and admire you and your strength. Always the best.
Shelli
April 14, 2010
I’ve not ever commented here before, but I’ve been a reader for a long time.
The sentence you wrote about “managing other’s feelings… when I do I become inauthentic.”, wow that just resonated with me today because of a situation I am in right now. That statement took my breath away.
Jennie, you are so very brave. Now that I have the opportunity, I just wanted to let you know that. It is so easy to just let life pass by and not be “present” in the moment. You’ve shown that there are so many rewards to taking the path that many would shy away from. Congratulations on carving a new life for yourself!
John W
April 14, 2010
i have come to realize when i begin to give in to my darker side i stay away from your posts…they become a reminder that someone else is doing the things i should be doing, fighting and winning battles instead of approaching the line and just crossing to the other side…i know exactly what you felt when you surrendered to the cravings and let them flow passed…its a great feeling, one of power and self control…your posts help me to keep perspective and when i know i’ve lost mine i avoid them…but today is a good day not because it is easy but because i am in control…thank you again for your blog
Joshua/@ImpInMyHead
April 14, 2010
Moving, as always Miss Jennie.
Curious as Hell, when these cravings hit you what do you do? Take a lotus position and go “oohhmmmm”, flick cards at a hat, gorge on the gloriousity that is Hostess? Or do you just ride it out some other way?
becomingjennie
April 14, 2010
Most times I pretend smoke a straw. When it’s really bad I pop a lozenge. When it’s just a little hankering, sometimes it’s enough just to acknowledge the craving’s existence and allow it to pass. But pretend smoking has been a huge help.
I just try to keep my hands off my face.
Elysia Cordero
April 14, 2010
Hi Jenny! Seems like you’re getting a bit more spiritual? Some great books you might like: “The Tibetan Book of the Dead” and “The Power Of Myth” by Joseph Campbell. These books, among many other things, really helped me gain new perspective. I really feel that our lives/souls are eternal and while there will always be suffering there will be good just the same and I am leaning towards the good. I pray for you and yours. Hope you are happy 🙂
Lance
April 14, 2010
Jennie, your issue with friends and feeling like what is your share of paying for something has a common ground with me. I noticed when i was around six years old that the other kids would only play with me when they had no one else to play with. As I got older things never did really change for the most part. The six year old inside tries to find friends to play with and so goes out of his way to make new friends by doing more than his fair share.
As much as I try to never hurt another’s feelings it seems that my feelings are just waiting to get trampled on. The six year old has spent over forty years trying to find friends and people to play with and for whatever reason there are few who will truly be a real friend like I see others have.
I always enjoy reading your blog because I see you making real progress knowing that we share a few things in common and you are moving forward in getting your life into a position to really have a happier life.
Lisa
April 16, 2010
Dear Lance,
I don’t know if it helps but I’m just like that too. I try never to hurt anyone either, but my feelings are easily trampled. If someone pays me any mind, I usually go way beyond normal to please them (so I kinda get taken advantage of and I know it, but I want to be as good as other folks so I let it happen).
I was a shy, anxious, picked on little girl and I never quite got over it. I’m terrified of rejection, but some people are very kind and will talk to me in spite of myself. I’m always willing to be someone’s friend, but sadly they have to talk first. My few real friends are really my friends. Just thought you should know someone understands, just in case you don’t see folks like that a lot. Good luck!
PS, Wonderful post as always, Miss Jennie.
Emily
April 14, 2010
Even as it rains on construction-muddy-colleges, it IS a good day to be alive!
I really really really appreciate this:
“I cannot live my life managing other’s feelings, because when I do I become inauthentic”
You are a good woman who every day leads an astounding example of forgiveness & freedom.
Peace!
Shell
April 14, 2010
Well I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is something you already learned. You don’t have to give into the craving of wanting a cigarette.
I quit smoking in 2006. So you can actually become a former smoker.
The bad news the triggers don’t go away all you can do is not act on them.
Smoking was way harder than drugs and booze for me.
The hardest part was identifying what my triggers were and I had a bunch of them.
Brigindo
April 14, 2010
Congrats on getting through Week 1. I believe and hope it will be easier from here on in. I hope you realize that a large number of people are incredibly proud of you and in awe of your strength and honesty. I certainly count myself one of them. Glad to hear you and Duncan can hang out again and support each other.
Sara_Dipity
April 14, 2010
Yeaaa Boi! One week down, another will follow, but it’s all about staying present, as you have been doing beautifully.
Mitch R
April 14, 2010
One day at time , the journey starts with the first stepps , it seems like your on your way ,
thanks for sharing I read your blog all the time
it insprisational to read about life in recovery I go to meeting all the time but after 15 years its good
to read about change on daily basis from the beginning, may your path always be filled with good people
Karen
April 14, 2010
Dear Jennie,
“I cannot live my life managing other’s feelings, because when I do I become inauthentic”. Truer words have not been spoken (or written). I really enjoy reading your words everyday. You are funny, smart, insightful and just delightful. Keep it up. I know you will! – Karen
Kenny
April 14, 2010
Trust is something truly coveted by some people. I believe it’s important to share it in a balanced and rational manner. Otherwise, feelings can get hurt. I know this all too well. Sometimes the best remedy is distance, if not forethought as to what you really want to invest in that relationship. Which seems to be what you’ve done. That’s really cool of you Penny. The more and more I read, the more and more, I wish I knew someone like you.
TS
April 14, 2010
Heads up: Your thingy on Carson’s show is up on YouTube- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFJDangAHk8
Also, I missed your Loveline appearance, much to my everlasting shame. I heard the first 10 minutes on the Loveline podcast as well as one bonus call about female ejaculation (some gentleman was assuming what he was seeing in porn was genuine). I normally record the episodes and listen to them later, but my MP3 player was broken. Sad…
Is Shelly as cute in person as she is on TV?
Den
April 15, 2010
Jenn,
You should talk to VH1 about doing a show “Becoming Jennie” I know you would have lots of fans.
Den
CanadaPat
April 15, 2010
As usual I just want to gush over what an emotionally and spiritually attractive female source of energy you and your writing are for me.
At the same time I feel some urge to apologize for the intensity of feeling I have projected your way through my comments and questions here.
It is very strange to have one’s reasons for being a fan of an artist change the way mine have toward you.
In my addiction I found you a particularly compelling individual while you were in your addiction/ working in porn. Now you are an even more fascinating human being to me and I am excited every time I see you have written something because you express yourself with sooooo much authenticity, intelligence, and insight in complete contradiction to all clique’ out there about sex workers.
So sorry if I myself cam across creepy a few weeks back with my question about creepy people in your life. looking back I see how it could have come across as intrusive or somehow loaded.
V
April 15, 2010
Jennie, you are an amazing woman. I watched you as a porn star, drug addict, sex addict. I watched you go into sex rehab and turned out, I was more enamored with Jennie than with Penny. Inauthentic? I think you are too real to be inauthentic. Anyway, I watched you react surrounded by some people who were really hurting (been there girl) and people who were just “hurtful”. You always dealt with that by opening your arms up for a hug. I can ‘feel’ you. Even though it’s watching a reality show, which I swore I would never do, I do it because I get to watch a good person discover just that, the fact that ‘she’ is a good person. Don’t make adjustments and do too much self analyzing, because you have the smarts, and you have the genuineness of what people would kill to have, and that is to be kind and compassionate.
Once in a while, we all say something we wish we could just do a ‘cmd z’ on (see, I adapted, and I use a PC) and forget we said that. But that’s not life, it’s not ‘authentic’ it’s not real, it’s ‘unreal’ or surreal, or really not surreal or unreal, but shit, I’m caught in a cmd z, cmd z loop!
I don’t mean to preach, I just see a beautiful woman with a beautiful heart, a great sense of humor, wit and a brain and mind that need nothing but to be given a break.
You make Sober House worth watching. Love yourself first, and don’t worry unnecessarily. Someone close to me is very sick, and it’s hard to watch. We are both connected musically, and it’s what keeps him going, and me too. I know you love to write and to paint, and I’ve seen the fruits of your labor and know the feeling when you put those words together that don’t have to mean anything to anyone else because they mean something special to you. Painting and drawing are the same. No stroke is the same, there’s no ‘one size fits all’. It’s the moment, that nanosecond that something fired a neuron or whatever it’s called and sent a signal to your hand to move in a certain way, with a certain pressure, at a certain speed. Analyze that, and it’s no longer art. Just make things matter to you. I hate being wordy because I know you have so much to read to approve after that debacle last year, so I’ll cut out early here. I turned 59 this year, it’s it’s tough to look at my gray hair and my tired eyes, but when I’m not looking it’s funny how I’m just a teenager again, albeit who moans when I get up, but none the less I think young and have mostly younger friends in their mid thirties. You are the only person I write to online who I don’t have a conversation with yet the importance of this nonversation is both helpful to me, and I hope in some small way to a person who I get to watch on tv! Damn! I’m a gushing fan! When the ‘f’ did that happen???
Stacey
April 15, 2010
It always amazes me when people who have smoked forever are able to quit, when I, who only smoked for a few years, still give into urges and have a smoke or two while hanging out with certain people. Keep up the AMAZING work. God bless.
friend22
April 15, 2010
I’m glad u. Had a good day yes we have hard challenges everday but it seem to me tha u took the bad in the good out of it and did let it break u down keep it up
David
April 16, 2010
I love how u txted me to stfu out of nowhere randomly -.-
JDW
April 16, 2010
My favourite quote:
“Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark.” Rabindranath Tagore
Roy Martin
April 16, 2010
Hi Jennie, My name is Roy Martin and I’m from Oceanside. I just finished looking at your blog for the Huffington Post, bravo. The Coaster and the trolly is the same down here. I’ve been cheering for you on the vh1 shows. I give you mad respect. When I was going to Beauty School there were a handfull of girls that would strip while going to school. There was also a girl doing porn. Only two of them quit after school was done. The majority stayed with the easy money and what they were comfortable with. You’re taking on multiple issues at once, so take it slow and steady. And you’re right about being cute with freakles. I have yet to see a porn pic of you and I don’t wanna(I am straight). You’re regular everyday pictures are beautifull enough for me 🙂 Hang in there! Much Love, Roy
narcissists victim
April 16, 2010
Yeah for you and a great day. I know you will keep up with your no ciggies. Believe it or not I am twelve years and smoke free. Not to discourage you but there are times of stress when I think DAMN I would love a smoke and a fuck!n drink. I pass though!!
I admire the way you write and girlfriend I love the guts you show!!! Damn I wish I could!!!!!
Ali
April 16, 2010
I miss you!! Come back and talk to us.
Keith
April 16, 2010
Jen,
Remember that God works as easily in the cracks and crevices of life as he does in the rainbows and waterfalls.
Keith
April 16, 2010
Just read your other site. You are fucking hysterical. I hope you’re writing a book because,well, no shit, you’ve got talent bitch.
TheKid420
April 18, 2010
Jebus I get confused who half these people are you talk about sometimes. For a long time I thought Dizzy was your dood not the dog, now I take it Duncan is the dood who was having all his mail sent to you? If so that guy seems a little shady, maybe it’s a California thing or something. I don’t know love, dating one guy and having another guy around might lead to trouble.
Saw Hot Tub Time Machine last night on shrooms. A few thoughts.
John Cusak doesn’t seem to age, he looked the same last night as he did in Better off Dead, great seeing him smoking a bong through the movie.
Crispin Glover seems to just walk into movies and be better than everyone else.
I want my own Hot Tub Time Machine. I can’t imagine anything better than traveling through time in a hot tub.
YoungSoberMom
April 18, 2010
Jennie- we miss you! Hope all is well- if not, hope you come back and let us support you. 🙂
Julie
April 17, 2010
Hi Jennie,
Ahhh I love your blog! I don’t read it everyday but I check in occasionally and it’s great to catch up on everything and see how well your’e doing. I can totally relate re: the quitting smoking. I quit at 27 after smoking for 12 years and it was HARD after smoking a pack and a half but the patches were awesome. Basically I made myself do the whole course, dropping down in nicotine gradually. Trying to quit without them was awful – I was bitchy and freaking out over the most trivial things. I was so frustrated and mad I wanted to throw things and cry like a whiny 5 year old but it got better. Anyway, just wanted to tell you that in a few weeks you’ll feel and look amazing – no coughing ‘lung butter’ first thing in the morning, the whites of your eyes and your teeth will actually get whiter I swear it’s true lol and your skin will get even more fabulous.
Hang in there girl ! 🙂
friend22
April 17, 2010
Hi Jennie i like how you handle youself on the sober house and in life , im try change my life to for the better that why i join this this blog site, i hear of you trying to change you life make me wont to try to so keep up the work and if you need any help let me know support goes a long way
Michael
April 17, 2010
Just a litle post to tell u , I saw u on French TV ( I’m French by the way ). It was a short report about your new life. I was a fan of what u did and i’m a fan of who you are going to be now. I wish you the best Jennie. Michael
freckledk
April 21, 2010
Hi Jennie,
I just found your blog and haven’t had a chance to read my way through it, but I wanted to let you know that I’m going through my LAST attempt at quitting smoking, and hit my 45 day mark today. As with everything, it gets better with time. And, re: the patch: You may want to do the 21mg for 6 weeks before stepping down to the lower dosage. I did so this time around, and it’s been a great help to me.
I’ve loved watching you better yourself on camera, and look forward to reading about your continued journey. xo and the very best of luck to you, darling girl.
AnniThyme
April 23, 2010
This: “I cannot live my life managing other’s feelings, because when I do I become inauthentic.”
Oh wow. Yeah.
That? What you said? Is what I am currently working on. That is a tough lesson to learn. So, thank you for putting it so succinctly, and beautifully.
Mel
April 25, 2010
“I cannot live my life managing other’s feelings, because when I do I become inauthentic.”
Do you know how powerful that is? That’s been me for the past 30 years. Thank you for this blog. It’s inspired me to write my own as I just left a physically abusive relationship and am struggling with self-doubt and sadness right now.
waht does my name mean
April 27, 2010
wat is yo myspace page?