You never really know when a thing is missing if it has never been there. Most kids, like myself, who were driven around in mini-vans never thought about being driven around in Escalades, or X5’s because they weren’t part of our existence. I’ve heard a story, perhaps nothing more than an old wives tale, about the first ships to sail to America. The Indians supposedly stood on the water for days trying to figure out why the waves were coming differently than usual. It took them a week to see the boats, even though those boats were visible from day one, or maybe three, just because it is impossible to see something you didn’t realize exists. I knew, deep in my heart, healthy families exist all over this world, but for some reason I never equated mine as such. Before 13, yes, big extended family get-togethers, fun for all, but after 13, silence. Deafening silence.
I spent the weekend with Mr. Man and his lovely family up in San Luis Obispo. I met Uncles and Aunts, Mom and Pops, even Grandma and a few cousins. From the very oldest, to the very youngest, this family was welcoming, warm, open and friendly. To the point where I felt comfortable enough to curl up in a chair and pass out, the ladies took a massage retreat on Saturday while the men golfed and the rub left me plum tuckered. It was interesting to watch the family dynamic. The beautiful harmony and tenths of seconds that blended right back into harmony and love. This is the first time I’ve met my boyfriends parents and didn’t have a single thing to lie about. The first time with no secrets. The first time with no concocted story to uphold, no fibs to trip over, no…. fake bullshit excuse for being exactly who I am. “And acceptance is the key to all our problems…”
I never really understood during those years of self imposed exile from my father and his side of the family, just what I was cutting from my life. Mornings with my Aunt. Evenings with Uncles who make me laugh. Cousins growing up from toddlers to beautiful young women or happy and excited fathers. When Mr. Man and I went down to visit my family a few months ago, the first time I’ve introduced any man (ANY MAN) to my dad, it was to celebrate my cousins brand new son and his arrival home from the hospital. Ryder, (his beautiful baby boy) had been born way too early, I think 16 weeks, and calling him a million dollar baby would be a gross underestimate. The party was at my cousin’s fiance’s house, and it was mostly his friends and her family. It wasn’t enough to make me understand just what I’d missed in the past 13 now 14 years. 13 14 years. That’s quite a bit of time.
I’d already had sex by 13.
Already smoked weed by 13.
Loved cigarettes by 13 (yes, still smoke free although slightly insane…).
Already knew what “life was about” at 13.
Wanted nothing to do with anybody that loved me by 14.
It’s amazing what you can learn a quarter way through your life. Heck, maybe this is the end? Maybe just the beginning? Maybe I shouldn’t being putting a time restraint or any sort of measuring device against my years, begging it to be true or proved terribly false. It’s amazing what you can learn spending a weekend with the family of someone you love. And someone who loves you.
People can grow old together, and still have things to talk about.
People can act like kids, and swear like teenagers, no matter what age.
People can open their arms to you, and know nothing about you aside from a name and the way you make someone else feel.
People can stay together, learn together, love together, and not be afraid to die together.
I’ve moved around so much in my life, it’s hard to imagine I could ever return to a town, find my pictures hanging on the wall, find someone I know working behind a grill, and find an alley filled with gum from generations past. It’s hard to imagine I can build relationships that survive moves, fights, years and tears. It’s hard to imagine that someone, even though he loves me today, could love me thirty or forty years down the line, and we could heckle each other as we did when we first met. It’s hard to imagine a spark that doesn’t fade out.
Spending the weekend with his family was such a blessing, to be included in such a tight family, introduced to such strong women, such stubbornly hilarious men, to see where Mr. Man’s compassionate and loving nature originated. And to see where it started in them.
I can’t wait for my next family reunion. I think understanding how special a family really is will help me to enjoy the wonderful people that are a part of mine.
Kayla
April 18, 2010
I’m so very glad that you had that experience. You are living life healthily and happily, that’s what it’s all about. I have been following your blog for a while now and I think that you are a very level headed person that can do great things. I can’t wait to read one of your books….cause I know you’ll write one. You put words together so brilliantly and you have so much creativity in you. I wish you luck in everything that you do.
Elysia Cordero
April 18, 2010
Jennie!
That is so weird because I spent the weekend at my Mr.man’s family this weekend too. I was raised in a very violent and chaotic environment and I struggled to over come my crazy family. So when I visit with my mans family his grandma is the sweetest old lady and has such great compassion. I love when I’m shown an example of someone who has such a great spirit. I’m glad to read you are happy and continuing on your path to righteousness. I am almost finished reading this book called “The Art Of Happiness” and I have say Jenny that it has changed my whole perspective on everything. The Dalai Lama is….truly AAAMMMAAAZZIIIING. So much so that I can’t sleep. I’ve had all these new revelations and I think it’s because of my past efforts that I am finally starting to think more positive more frequently and when I apply these new positive and truthful thoughts to my life it changes everything that was bad to good. JUST KEEP UP WITH THE GOOD. Love ya Jennie.
Elysia Rose.
firstverb
April 19, 2010
Miss Jennifer,
Acceptance, Friendship, Love, Family. I very much enjoyed your post. Mr. Mans family sounds wonderful, and it is nice seeing where he gets some of his idiosyncrasies from. I hope you are well; you are getting better every day. Thank you for the journey. Be happy.
Have a glorious day.
Alex
April 19, 2010
Hi Jennie-
I hope you had a good time in SLO with Mr. Man. I literally live two buildings away from gum alley. That’s crazy that you were here! If I had to put a time restraint on my life, I would say that getting clean and sober was the beginning for me. I can now feel everything so deeply and so passionately. I just returned home from a movie, a really depressing one, in fact. I was the only person in the theater, (which is the best), so I was able to relax completely and rest my feet on top of the seat in front of me. During the sad parts, I started balling. The main character and I both had a very similar experience, and I allowed myself to go back to that place. I let myself cry, and experienced all of the pain fully. For once, I was truly present, and I didn’t try to run away. I felt very alive…it was almost like a mini spiritual experience. I’m so incredibly grateful for my life, today.
Now I’m back at home, and I can hear the bell chiming outside signaling Bull Sweats (really nasty shots) at Bull’s Tavern. I hear the drunk people yelling and cheering. Sometimes when I am down, and I hear the nightly drunk crowds roaming around downtown SLO, I wish that I could be a part of the party. But tonight, as I lay in my bed at home, cozy and at peace, I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment, and that I am one of the lucky ones. And so are you. Hope you have a good week, Jennie.
❤ Alex
Kevin
April 19, 2010
Getting out of your comfort zone is a good thing. It’s scary, but surprisingly, on occasion, rewarding. Keep on trucking.
hepkat
April 19, 2010
Jennie,
I’m kind of curious about how things are going since you began having sex again. Is it fulfilling or scary or frustrating or is it no big deal at all.
What does it mean to have a relapse in terms of sex addiction and how does one manage an addiction where abstinence is not the objective.
I hope its clear I’m not trying to illicit exploitative or graphic information. I’m curious about the recovery stuff.
Scott MacDonald
April 19, 2010
“People can grow old together, and still have things to talk about.”
I thought that was especially touching. Very heart warming post, and that line sums up why it brought a tear to my eye. You have a natural talent for expression through words.
Steph
April 19, 2010
I think I left my gum on that wall…
Growing up I pushed myself away from everyone, including my family. I believed that the things that happened to me were my fault and if they knew that I had instigated some of it, then they would stop loving me. When my life went out of control and I had to come back to live at home, that was the last place I wanted to be. I left home a rebellious 20 yr old and came back a rebellious 25 yr old with a drug problem that was beginning to spin out of my reach. If I hadn’t have had my family who loved me unconditionally, I don’t think I would be here today. I still struggle with believing that they love me, but somewhere deep within I know they do. It’s awesome that you are finding what it is to be ‘real’ as opposed to what you create to hide yourself from everyone. It’s very freeing.
GS
April 19, 2010
It is so awesome how you can have an experience that many of us take for granted (or even dread), soak it up with child-like amazement & then express that to readers. You’re a joy to follow.
God Bless
firstverb
April 19, 2010
Miss Jennifer,
1.3M, OMG, I am so sorry for anything I said, that was inappropriate or just plan wrong. Please forgive me. I was just talking to you in my feeble attempt to help make you feel a little better. Please be safe. You have helped so many people and I hope you continue to help people become more than, better than they were. I hope my words haven’t screwed anyone up, I am so very truly sorry. I will post less.
Have a glorious day.
becomingjennie
April 19, 2010
You are so silly! you weren’t one of the meanies! I could go back through the archives and call em out, but they are fairly memorable. You are always posting kind and encouraging things, please don’t stop 🙂
firstverb
April 19, 2010
Miss Jennifer,
Please forgive me, but you misunderstand. And I do hope that I have never and will never in anyway be mean to you or will ever say anything un-encouraging. I was and am saying sorry to all of the people that follow you. That enormous number worries me. That many people any one of which could misconstrue something which I post, it could have unintended consequences. That is what scares me, the what ifs. I know that I have no control how someone will react, and I shouldn’t worry about something that I can’t control, but I do. You think I’m silly, yet this is worrisome to me.
As for you WOW, you are amazing young lady, and that number is just the tip of the iceberg. You are a force for change and that change has made a difference in countless lives. You are a roll model, an example of what can be done in someone’s life to make it better. You have shown that we don’t have to accept where we are or who we are, everyone anyone can be more. But the main life that has been changed, been altered for the better is Jennifer Ketcham. The differences in that life, that is what really matters.
Thank you for your words.
Have a glorious day.
J
April 19, 2010
Jennie,
I am happy that you had that experience. I, too, shared the same feelings when I was introduced to my in-laws. It was very strange to me that they all got along and were’nt worried about the ‘time’. They loved me and they knew about my background. I didn’t have to hide behind the drugs/alcohol like I did with my family when I was younger. (Both my parents have passed away.)
My In-Laws are awesome to hang around with and, most of all, I could be myself. No more lies.
Keep up the great work. I wish they would show more of you on Sober House.
My best,
J
Jacob C
April 19, 2010
Oh yeah, you’re sensitive. But now in a good way.
Good for you. My family is messed up on both sides so I really don’t get what you described. You deserve nice times, Jennifer, nice times without the things that ruin your mind.
jonuca
April 19, 2010
jennie you have became in the Dr. drew of so many people( including me). your words are so,so,so, inspirational. even i’ve enhanced my english skills reading your blog. i wish you the best. a hug from D.R .
Lance
April 19, 2010
Jennie this was such a touching post. It is so cool that after years of living your life the way you thought was the best that turning the clock back to before you knew everything has led you to realize that time does have a way of coming back so that you can live though the parts you missed the first time.
I can remember that as I went through my teens that I thought I knew a lot. And yet I would continually find more things that I did not know.
I have found from your posts that the real Jennie would be a great friend to know. Nearly everyone has friends who have moved away for one reason of another and they are still friends. I think of you as a friend that lives a good distance away but who I could have an enjoyable chat with about the most mundane things.
Mr. Mans family sounds like a good role model for everyone who wants to see what a harmonious family looks like.
Jay
April 19, 2010
“Wanted nothing to do with anybody that loved me by 14.”
Whoa, Nellie!
You could do humanity a great service if you could tell us what happens at 13 and how we could avoid what happens at 14. So many people’s lives seem to go off the rails at that point. I guess mine did a little too, but I was going so slow it didn’t do a lot of damage.
Can you tell us what someone could have done for you back then, that we might do for someone now?
Pierre
April 19, 2010
I never met any of my family, on either side, until about 10 years ago. We lived in a small town in Ontario, while all of the relations lived further east. Finally got to see aunts, uncles and cousins that I never knew existed. My family did not own a car, until I was about 12, then either took a taxi or a train to other places to shop or do other things. It’s always nice to see people, especially family, it kind of widens your perspective about things. Family secrets, little white lies, as well as rumours and gossip about he or she. Sounds like you had a lot of fun, reconnecting again with loved ones. Fun is how we make it, without it life would really suck!
greer
April 19, 2010
i would love to see some pics of when u were a kid. love the “stubbornly hilarious men” comment. 🙂
maria
April 19, 2010
What an amazing post. You are a very talented writer – wow…I’m happy for you for such a great experience! I hope you have many, many, many more!
xoxo
Eileen
April 19, 2010
It has been interesting watching the Sober House Show this season. The less air time one has, the more serenity one has – you are not on much! And I was pleased to see you sticking up for Jennifer last week, though you were the only one. You CLEARLY are leaps and bounds ahead of the others in terms of thinking selflessly and being of service. There is tremendous maturity in your actions, and in your writing here. Congratulations – you get it!
alexandra
April 19, 2010
Jennie,
I was the same by 13 I already done everything minus drugs, but shitloads of alcohol. I was sexually active by the age of 6. I knew evwerything, I knew how much pain hurts. I knew abandonment. I knew rejection all by the age of 6. By 13 I was a grown woman. I had a sixth sense about flaky people, which helped me along the way. Although, I am 4 years sober and I am in my late 20’s I still feel as I am 6. Do you feel the same way? As if your feelings got stuck in that moment. time warped
Vlad
April 19, 2010
Jennie, I am so glsd that u have made it this far. I have been reading u since u first started. Yours is a great story and I want nothing but happiness for you (finally spelled ‘you’ right..). You are worth it, will be checking on you daily…
Vlad
Matt
April 19, 2010
I’m still trying to find me too. Don’t give up, you’re doing so well. I know it’s hard at times, but there is hope for a brighter day. Sounds like cliche bullshit, but it’s true if you really want it 🙂
John W
April 19, 2010
it’s very awesome you were able to be apart of that and i hope the next time you are with your family is equally enjoyable and healthy
TheKid420
April 19, 2010
Appreciating life and the world we live in is essential in building a healthy soul. That being said, it’s harder than ever. The internet, 60 hour work weeks, trying to be a good boyfriend, life is so busy now that it’s almost impossible to ever take time to just…talk a walk. Get outside etc. Video Games are another thing that eat up peoples lives to the point that they become totally cut off from the outside world.
Last week I filled up a black n mild with some excellent kush and took a stroll by Tiger’s stadium and through that area of metro Detroit. What I intended to be a short half hour jaunt turned into a 3 hour stroll. I thought to myself how Cain in Kung Fu had an understanding of life so much deeper than ours. To wander the earth on foot, hanging out with the people you meet, smoking down, I’m not sure it get’s much better.
In fact your post has inspired me. I think I will again today. As we speak I am loading up the I Pod with some Wu Tang, and this afternoon I shall take to the streets again just to observe.
Karen
April 19, 2010
Dear Jennie,
This is such a wonderful post. I’m so happy for you with this weekend you had. And you are a really great writer. Have you ever thought about writing a memoir or fiction? I think you would be good at it. Have a great week. – Karen
don ruscoe
April 20, 2010
Hi..Jen..Please please hang on to that feeling,It is by far one of the best feelings ever.And please dont get scared no matter who we are or what we have done ,we do deserve to be loved unconditionally,Because we are the type of people who believe it or not can love like no other and I mean healthy love,not what we grew up thinking love was about..just fucking and thats not it..Up until recentley all I was told I was good for was the size of my (JOHNSON) and how i used it.And for years i thought that be the truth.And like u I meet someone who took me for me,that is jails,drug addiction I have been clean for 5yrs…And I never and i mean never have had to lie to tjis womenand that is a feeling like no other..got to go..And you are still so god damn sexy…..ONE DAY AT A TIME…it works
Juan Loco
April 20, 2010
Genius Native American wave watching anecdote…and wave pic. But…you have to ask what price they paid when Euro Explorers rolled up to shore in their Escalades/X5’s.
I’ll take a life free of the White Man, or free of the knowledge of his existence if the alternative was small pox, bullshit religiosity, and free retirement condos on beach front property in South Dakota.
I’m glad you found an “ideal” family, and acceptance and love from them. Good for you. Good for them. But we are who we are because we functioned, thrived, failed, and lived many years without this ideal. Shit happens when this mirage comes upon shore. A price must be paid, history shows that the price is seldom worth it.
In this case, I’d much prefer a life staring at the surf and pondering waves than knowing of and believing in what these old world-er’s, and their bill of goods, and rad Escalades and picket fences supposedly provide to the autonomous soveriegn country of one.
Elizabeth
April 20, 2010
Beautiful post. My family moved all over when I was young, and my adulthood thus far has been characterized by constant shifting of geography, until just recently. Settling down and accepting your life and family as-is is one of the scariest but most rewarding things you can do.
matt
April 20, 2010
You seem to have come a long way Jennie. You should be very proud. Just don’t ever look back. Our demons are always one step behind us tapping us on the shoulder. True power is never something verified by others. It’s between you and your soul and you knowing you are strong. I have a porn addiction adn went months with out looking at it and than I did this weekend. My GF is crushed that I would relapse like that. It’s not even about the porn……….it’s about lies and being dishonest. I am just moving forward. One slip does not mean failure. In fact, it’s part of the process.
B
April 20, 2010
Yea Jennie! Enough of all those held breathes, anticipating the trouble with normal (surely my own projection)…time to gentle into the warm embrace of Love. You bring to mind a favorite poem:
There is some kiss we want
with our whole lives,
the touch of Spirit on the body.
Seawater begs the pearl
to break its shell.
And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild Darling!
At night, I open the window
and ask the moon to come
and press its face into mine.
Breathe into me.
Close the language-door,
and open the love-window.
The moon won’t use the door,
only the window.
Rumi – 13th century Sufi Mystic
Matthew
April 21, 2010
Jennie,
Ive only seen you and only know about from your past work. It did give me pleasure watching all your past work.
That being said I’m glad that you are happy in this new phase of your life. It seems to be much healthier for you emotionally and I wish you continued success.\
Matt
anonymous
April 21, 2010
thanks
B
April 21, 2010
Hi Jennie,
Just something practical. My lovely wife snored up a storm every night…same apnea thang. I couldn’t sleep and she wouldn’t get it medically checked out. Wellllll, for my own well-being (very important) I experimented with soft foam earplugs. Found some amazing purple ones at the local drug store and they worked! Took some getting used to, but they really helped.
Sleep Well…
Joshua Tessner
April 25, 2010
Hey very nice blog!!….I’m an instant fan, I have bookmarked you and I’ll be checking back on a regular….See ya
Ty
April 25, 2010
Hey Jen!!
Just saw the oprah episode here in NZ, its real awesome to see what your doing, your an inspiration for others who are on the same path to finiding them selves, real awesome!! Keep ya head up and all the best on your journey =)
Franillagirl
May 5, 2010
I love that you write this stuff – I’ll just say that I relate, period. Wish I had more time to read about your journey “becoming jennie”. Its honest and its inspiring. So thank you for having the courage to learn and to grow. But mostly for sharing it. You are a smart woman & a class act!
Hoosier
May 7, 2010
As with so many other of your posts, this, too, is poetry. You write so well!