I didn’t sleep last night. Mr. Man has apnea, and some nights it’s okay, some nights it’s medium, and some nights it’s really bad. Last night was really bad. Most nights I feel bad for him because he can’t get any sleep. He is constantly jump starting his heart with a deep “Uuuuunhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” breath he had been holding, air finally rushing into his lungs, never reaching that deep necessary place of rest. But last night, selfish as it may be, I was just frustrated with him, with the lack of sleep for both of us, frustrated because I care about him and want him to sleep well so he can live well. So we can live well. But last night, with no sleep in me, and this morning, I was a grumpy girl ready to throw shit.
Me: I’m not snuggling you until you sign up for a sleep study.
Mr. Man: Uhh… mmmm…. Babe?
Me: I’m serious. No. Snuggles. Period. I’m not doing this no sleeping thing. You can do it. I’m not doing it. I like sleeping. I sleep. I like you. I like sleeping next to you. Sleep study. No. Snuggles.
So it was off to Jills. And the rain began. Rain rain rain on my white pants. Dirty puddles covering my pants. Wrong day to wear Jesus shoes, and white pants.
Most days are the wrong day to wear white pants, for me anyway, I can’t seem to stay clean. Perhaps years of abusing myself and finally cleaning up my insides means my outsides will occasionally be dirty. I’m fine with the dirt. Actually I love playing in the mud. And jumping in puddles. I jumped in a few today. I was pissed about that too.
Standing at the bus stop after Jills, a guy saw my filthy pants. Filthy.
Guy: Man. That sucks. Those are gonna need a treatment.
Me: Everything in my life is going through treatment. Why not the pantalones too.
Guy: Oh. Hey. I didn’t realize that was you. That’s cool. So you’re still, like, sober? That’s sweet. How was that whole “Sober House thing?”
We hopped on the bus and talked the entire ride from West LA to West Hollywood, he had just left the UCLA clinic where they hand out Suboxone, asked me how Mike Starr was doing, about Shifty and the gang, said he’s doing his best to stay sober, but can’t get into the meetings. Feels too Rah Rah and preachy sometimes. Also asked me about the Pink Cross. Blep.
Guy: Yeah, that chick seems a little nuts too. Guess nobody is really normal anymore huh?
He said he’d check out a few meetings, I told him where I usually go, mentioned what had helped me, but said “To each their own…” also that kicking Subs is hard, so good luck and don’t be afraid to reach out for help. It’s better than drowning in a puddle of prescription meds. Reaching out for help. Key word reaching. So. Hard.
Came home, through shitty puddleville Hollywood and started packing more boxes. Found half a pack of smokes in all my paint supplies. Nearly cried as I ran them under the water. I’m still kicking myself for ruining them and not smoking one. Such a fucking addict with my lozenge and regret for not relapsing. So lame. So. Hard.
Then “Into The Wild” with Deezy, dinner with Angel-where she ran into a girlfriend, we all chatted- I ate giant meatballs on focaccia and we walked home, avoiding giant watery holes smelling slightly of piss. Then it hit me. I can smell the piss. I’ve been in a bitchy mood all day, day 15 no smokey treats, and I can smell the piss on the wet pavement. Don’t know if that means something but I feel like it does. I suppose it doesn’t matter. Sometimes I don’t need to intellectualize why something is important. So I said goodbye to Angel and went for a walk. A nice Saucy must poo walk around the hills. With the ghetto birds flying in the air, pimps jumping out of their “whore’s” cars and screaming at other drivers to let her pass, kids not paying attention and nearly hitting Sauce and me in the crosswalk. We walked all the way up the hill. It was time to start talking.
Me (To the moon, myself, and Saucy if she happens to understand more than “No, Slowdown, Dinner and Dogpark”): So I’ve been moving pretty fast today and maybe it’s time to chill out. It’s almost 11 and the day is done. You’ve been pissy all day so lets try to let that go? Did it really get you anything? When you woke up and decided to be pissed off because your boyfriend has apnea and it interfered with your sleep? Because you weren’t pissed at him. What is this about?
Okay Jennie. It’s fear. You’ve been motivated by fear all day. His “I’m going to stop breathing for ten second increments” thing reminds you of death. You don’t want him to die. His Uncle V said he could have a stroke. You would still date him and love him if he had a stroke but at 24 a stroke is not cool. So you’re afraid he’s gonna die or have a stroke, and because you didn’t get any sleep you turned that into being pissed about pee filled puddles, dirty white pants and threats of becoming a non-snuggler. Lets do this differently tomorrow.
Tomorrow I am writing a few necessary emails. I am starting the proposal over again (I’ve been researching other memoirs, just finished Smashed and am now onto A Year By the Sea). I am going to a Bikram Yoga class with Angel and taking Sauce through the canyon. I’m having dinner with Mr. Man and some new friends. I’m going to snuggle him, because he promised to make a doctor appt by the time we meet up. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. Today was a good day. I was lazy and refused to find the sunshine through the raindrops.
Lets try this again….
Becoming Jennie 
Luke
April 21, 2010
Good writing and nice blog like always lol. I get grumpy too when I don’t get enough sleep as well, but that happens to everyone. Good thing you didn’t smoke! Im glad. Well keep up the good work and blogs! 🙂 Peace
barryz
April 21, 2010
Thanks for that Jennie.
Can’t tell you how often I drag myself through days like this also. It’s the right attitude to want to always be positive but we’re still human and sometimes we revert back to a state of selfishness and negativity and that is normal. But on days like that, I’m glad you can walk your dog, calm yourself, reevaluate everything, decide to start fresh, and pass on your story for the rest of the world to learn from and be inspired to. I think the actions you took after you walked your dog Saucy, really helped turn positive over negative.
Thanks again for sharing! That was quite a cool post.
firstverb
April 21, 2010
Miss Jennifer,
You are so right about apnea, it is a bad thing and Mr Man needs to get it sorted out as soon as possible. My wife would also get very upset at the amount of sleep she wasn’t getting, because of me. For me the quality of my sleep has so improved, it almost makes up for the lack of sleep that I get. I hope for Mr Man the very best.
You can’t help yourself can you. Even in your irritated state with wet dirty pants, you are reaching out to people and trying to pull them, bring them up. To help them see how being free of all these things can make life so much more. Thank you, for being more each day. Thank you, for not smoking those evil little liars. Thank you, for doing the right thing when no one was looking. I hope you do have good day and you do feel the sun whether you see it or not.
Have a glorious day.
Budman
April 21, 2010
Just wanted to say thanks, your post almost always speak directly to me and where I’m at. Fear in my life usually manifests itself in anger. Sometimes I think of Fear as “cunning, baffeling, and powerful” because before I know it I’m all pissed off & have to stop & think, why am I mad or angery. It’s like I have no control over becomming angery.
You know the best thing about being in recovery is that we may not have the same addictions, but hearing others “experiants, strenghts, & hopes” can help another through there struggles. Hopefully something you were said to the guy on the bus may help him to stay sober. Or at least try and make the time to get to a meeting.
I hope Mr Man does make that appointment. It really sucks when you are watching a loved one suffer needlessly.
Again, thanks for sharing with us. I look forward to reading your posts & gleaning words of wisdom.
edcincy
April 21, 2010
You have GOT to get him into a sleep study. His heart is being seriously affected by his apnea.
I have apnea and now use a CPAP machine when I sleep. It looks stupid but who cares? Everything in life is affected by a good nights sleep! Your work, your relationships, your mood, your health… everything!!
His health, and both of your lives will be greatly enhanced by getting the apnea corrected.
Get him there now!!
Stacey
April 21, 2010
Sometimes you have to smell the piss to remember how great the rest of life smells. God bless.
Fabricio Zuardi
April 21, 2010
You should post more pictures of your dog, she is adorable 🙂
Stephers
April 21, 2010
It’s a brand new non fear-filled day todsy!
Unfortunately, it’s also not a good day to wear white.
Don’t let fear win today. It doesn’t play fair.
Andy
April 21, 2010
Hey Jennie—I have read you mention yoga quite a few times. I just wanted to suggest to you a cool yoga studio in SoCal: http://www.corepoweryoga.com. Bikram can be pretty rigid, and the man himself is a douche. This is more Ashtanga-ish power flow that can be maybe more interesting. I go every day pretty much to either a C2 or Hot Power Fusion.
Stir-Fried Dinosaur
April 21, 2010
Your blog is a good read for me. I think we’re a similar type of crazy- the whole “anxiety/overanalyzing until absolutely drained from it” business? Yeah. You remind me that my abnormality isn’t that abnormal nowadays. Which makes me feel hopeful.
Anyway. Congratulations on the personal paradigm shift. It’s pretty inspiring stuff.
notfar
April 21, 2010
Smelling the piss puddles is Important.
Jacob C
April 21, 2010
I’m 24 and also have apnea. And teeth grinding. Yayy stress.
I know it can be rough sleeping with someone with apnea, especially since after 10 seconds of wonderful rest, your mind remembers you have to breathe. It can really ruin your energy during the day. They have a mask that can fix that but usually it’s a noisy machine and depending on how posh it is, it can be an expensive machine (the cheaper ones are less comfortable).
Unfortunately yes, you’ll smell nasty smells. I find wet spare tires smell a bit like whizz also.. Or maybe the cats take that opportunity to whiz in it, I dunno. Still, you win some, you lose some when it comes to smells, but I’d prefer to have it rather than not. It’s like saying would I like to be deaf – no I would not, but sometimes I WISH I was deaf. Still, you’re also doing your pets good. My cat (I don’t particularly like cats, after this one that’ll be it for me) when my grandmother was alive, would go to the farthest part of the house in the winter time to avoid the smoke. The cat also ended up wheezing. So you’re extending the life of your pets also.
Have you ever thought of rewarding yourself for getting to a certain stage of your recovery? You know, positive reinforcement.
Well, I love you my dear (don’t worry, I love everyone), you take care of yourself and happy to see you’re staying strong.
P.S. I am going to Detroit soon, I’m very excited about that. Sounds silly I know, but gas prices are way better in the US, the hotel is cheap, and the sunsets are AWESOME.. at least last time I went. Like a mini vacation even though that’s not the purpose of my visit. Maybe you may enjoy one too. It doesn’t have to be for long, maybe a couple days just relaxing by the beach, listening to tunes, swimming, and reading up on a good book while getting a tan (hopefully you don’t burn, peel, and freckle instead of tanning :P). You know, like the old days, the things you liked to do before, just what you were doing without being high. Obviously you thought going to the beach was a nice idea before, why not rekindle that love? Bring a couple friends along and just have a chat. Anyway that’s just my suggestion. Take care, and I don’t blame you for not liking women as friends – mum doesn’t like women either. If you become one, I’ll disown you 😛 *shakes fist* haha I know big threat huh.
greer
April 22, 2010
HEY THANKS FOR THE ADVICE!!!
Michaela
April 21, 2010
I love that even the ‘bad days’ and turn into good days! You are doing a great job, keep it up girl!
Jonathan
April 21, 2010
I am glad to hear your willingness to rewrite the proposal. Embrace the rewriting. You have the talent, if you keep rewriting you will find the voice and hone the skills. Write it two different ways and pick the best one and rewrite that one. But, the other one will teach you even more about what, exactly you want to say. Try reading what you write out loud to yourself – it worked for Vonnegut.
Pierre
April 21, 2010
When I wrote essays for school, I used to rewrite them a couple of times. I never liked the first draft, would redo it until it sounded better, sometimes taking better parts from what was written and adding new parts. It’s kind of like life, you keep what you want to keep, then throw out what is dragging you down. I even had other people read it, to give me a new twist on the story. Glad to see that you can finally smell the world around you better, and yes, you will smell better things than pissy smelling puddles. Keep up the good work, you have a lot of people in your corner.
And yes, dogs have esp!
😉
CanadaPat
April 21, 2010
Wow! That is using your recovery tool box Jennie K! Good for you Super Star!
Susan
April 21, 2010
The “Pink Cross”?
Your positivity, reflectiveness and self-directed honesty is inspiring, as usual.
Tony
April 21, 2010
Hey Jennie~
Mr. Man will thank you once his apnea is all straightened out. I just had a doctors appointment yesterday for the exact same thing. He said the sleep study is really simple… they just attach a bunch of wires to you and have you sleep for a while and they count the number of times your sleep is interrupted. I have one scheduled and even though I am not looking forward to sleeping in a lab, I know that I’ll feel better once they put me on a C-PAP and get me breathing again. Mr. Man will too…
Mrs. Hall
April 21, 2010
GO BIKRAM!!!!
and congrats on not smoking. I quit and all my sense of smell/taste came back while eating a tasty meal. Too bad the first thing you noticed was pee in the puddles.
but, ya gotta start somewhere 😉
Mrs. Hall
April 21, 2010
oh, and I thought Smashed was a bad example of a memior. I just didn’t see her point. bah. Just not a fan of that book.
Lisa
April 21, 2010
Dear Miss Jennie,
Mr. Man will be fine because you’re pushing him to get help. I’m sure he knew it was because you love him very much and you weren’t overreacting.
I so can’t wait to read your memoir!
Lisa
PS, If I might address Mr. First Verb,
You sound like such a nice person! I’ve been reading this blog and comments a couple months now and going back to what I missed, and I haven’t seen a single thing that would cause anyone to flip out. I suffer from “what if” all the time. It’s hard to see in oneself when your imagination is running away with you, but if you get a lot of “what ifs” and you really think about it, 99% of the stuff you worry about NEVER HAPPENS! Believe me, cause I’ve been anxious all my life.
I hope you don’t mind me saying that, but I thought about it and thought what if I didn’t say this and maybe it would help. But I’m also afraid you’ll be offended, so please don’t be. I mean well anyway.
Lisa
Invisible Mikey
April 21, 2010
Your sleep and his are important. Gotta have it. There are many different possible causes and many kinds of treatments for apnea, so no reason not to have it checked out. But it’s a good thing to smell the world as it really is. This process of re-oxygenation is gonna be so good for you!
(I finally wrote the saga of my own abuse history, and redemption. Charles Dickens would approve.)
Lance
April 21, 2010
The no sleep thing can ruin a day. Mr. Man does need to get this apnea thing taken care of. It does a real number on the heart and the blood pressure goes up as well
And yes Jennie, try it again tomorrow.
Brendan
April 21, 2010
Jennie,
I have/had apnea. He needs the study for sure. You’ll be amazed at much he wakes up and his heart spikes. Email me for more info.
Jay
April 21, 2010
I had a bi-pap (until it got blown up in a power-outage) It saved my life. I was falling asleep driving and nearly wrecked several times.
The other great thing is that it retrained my breath so I could finally do relaxation and meditation breathing. This was the most difference.
The apnea did not come back after I lost the Bi-pap, so it was really a kind of cure.
Bonz
April 21, 2010
Dear Miss Jennie,
I have sooo much respect for you for cleaning your act up and now getting the repect you deserve. You are a strong woman and I only hope the best for you in the future. Take Care
Steve
April 21, 2010
Jenifer,
You need to get Mr. Man to doctor ASAP. Sleep apnea, which I also have czn leads to a heart attack.
He should be using a CPAP machine or think about surgery. Over weight people like myself suffer from this. Suggest that he loose weight.
There definitely should be no “cuddles” until he does something about it. This is serious stuff.
TheKid420
April 21, 2010
What’s up super hot?
Check this out, I don’t know if you have seen Kick Ass or not, but there is a girl in it who reminded me of a young version of you.
The gang and I of course were highen to celebrate 420 and we head up to the movies. Now the movie Kick Ass itself, the lead character all blow. But then they get into this part with Nicolas Cage and his daughter “Hit Girl” and it starts to own. If you see the film you will know exactly what I mean, she’s awesome.
Sorry about the pants, that’s kind of uncool.
It’s so cool when summer hits in Michigan Jennie, it’s like a spiritual thing.
Hey maybe sometime you could list a glossary of who everyone is, I can never tell. Who the hell are Sauce and Angel. I take they are your friends? Is Angel a girl dating another girl, that’s awesome, you know some cool people.
John W
April 21, 2010
it’s always the “small” things like reaching and letting go and seeing through the clouds that are the hardest…they are also so easy to fall into…i catch myself often in bad moods and think ‘why the hell am i pissed off or grumpy?’ and 99% of the time there is no legit reason, i have just chosen to be so by not choosing to be happy or pleasant or content…thank God for tomorrows 🙂
Heather O'Neill
April 21, 2010
Hi Jennie: I have been reading your blog for the past few days and think it would make a great book. I thought you might want to check out a couple of the following memoirs for inspiration (if you haven’t already): Glass Castles by Jeanette Walls, Tweaked by Nic Scheff, Beautiful Boy (the companion book to Tweak, written by his dad) by David Scheff, What Remains by Carole Raziwill, Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp (one of my favorites)… I could go on and on. Let me know if you’d like more suggestions.
Gary
April 21, 2010
Jennie,
Sleep Apnea is dangerous .Get your man to a respiratory doctor stat and prescripe a sleep test.His oxygen levels are probably dipping into the low 70’s or 60’s at sleep
normal is 90-95.This is bad.My sister contracted double pneumonia and passed away Apnea was a factor..He needs a C-pap machine.
1. Being overweight is a cause
2. Blockage of the airway while sleeping
3. Have him see a doctor it’s easy and most insurance will pay for the C-pap machine.
Take Care,
Gary
jesse turcios
April 21, 2010
Dear jennie ketcham,
I have sleep apnea and it sucks! honestly it feels like a ball and chain around your ankle but its forever, the whole house could here it I sound like a god dam cow, and i feel bad cuz i cant control it. its embarrassing. When I wake up im exhausted, this past year i had some surgery done inside my nose it helps out a little but nothing really change. my advise to you is well…. I think you know what to do, support mr. man I have a feeling you love him. You know what try to get ear plugs. Im in new york its raining right now its 8:22 pm and fuck that im not jumping into any puddles! LOL!
greybeard
April 21, 2010
Easy, Jennie. Glad Mr. Man agreed to get his sleep apnea checked out. It needs to get checked, but chances are real slim that a young man in good health will experience anything like a stroke before he can get it checked out. Most likely side effects are fatigue and daytime sleepiness.
If you’re worried about it, try to get him to either sleep on his side or elevate his head and upper body when he experiences the apnea. Worst come to worst, sleeping in a recliner can help too.
My wife can really relate to the effects of lack of sleep. I lived with sleep apnea for 10+ years, denying it was a problem and just got used to fatigue and sleepiness as a way of life. Finally, she dragged my butt to the doctor and we got it treated. Sure did make a difference in how I felt. My wife and I get along a lot better now.
I look back now and can’t believe I put up with it so long. I guess we guys typically don’t give health issues a high priority unless blood, broken bones, or a dislocated something is involved.
I hope Mr. Man is different, but if not, suggest that you consider the tact my wife took.
BTW, really like the Twitter pic. You look so happy and healthy. A year ago, would you have ever thought that you would be driving Saucy around LA in a pickup? Life sometimes takes us to places we don’t expect, but enjoy when we get there.
Rob
April 21, 2010
Jennie, you are so right. Just when you work so hard to get something, it gets harder and tough. It’s good to get rough and throw shit, and if it takes a few hours to get your stuff done… You can always have a friend help with the bigger things. You can always go sun tanning in the afternoon and just relax and drink juice. I like juice because I don’t like water taste, and I like grape juice, and eat those candy squirts. That would be relaxing to lay around by the sea, do yoga, drink juice
Kevin
April 21, 2010
Funny you should mention it. As part of my doctors’ “lets see what happens when we do this” approach to bettering my health, we ventured into dealing with my sleep apnea.
Its good that your concerned. Its not a joke. Looking past the possible bad things that could go wrong down the road, it generally runs you down on a day to day basis.
I went and did a couple of sleep studies. The first determined a need for the cpap machine and mask. Then I went in for another study to test for the machine. That one was horrible. I ended up getting an accumulated 3 hours sleep before we had to terminate the study. I couldn’t get the remaining hours sleep needed to get the results of the test. It was awful.
So they gave me a machine to use in my house, and take for a spin. That sounds like the standard approach. My friend has one and he said that’s how he did it. It takes time to get accustomed to them. Its brutal having a mask strapped to your face that’s constantly blowing air and steam down your pie hole.
I’ve just been doing it for a week. The first night was rough. They sent me out a replacement mask and things have been smoother since. I add a couple hours of sleep per night with the machine.
Now I can’t sleep well without it. That’s not to say I’m already used to it, but sleeping without it can be taxing, and I feel more tired if I don’t use it. Its still a work in progress, but I hope your Mr. Man gets rolling with that. It should make a difference.
Nevertheless, it will be something you’ll both have to get accustomed to. But the better the machine, the quieter it is. I would imagine snuggling would be tricky, but not impossible, if your ok with snuggling next to somebody who sounds like he’s on a life support system it should work. Fortunately, if he gets a good one, it should be quiet enough. Its quieter than snoring, or funky breathing patterns. I wish him well on that. I hope you can get used to it, too. It’ll take effort from both of you. But knowing you, you’ll get through it.
Glad to see your still fighting the good fight against the smokes. It blows, but its for the best. You know that though.
Kevin
hepkat
April 22, 2010
Please write more about recovery. I’m sure most readers are happy to hear about your life as you are a pretty normal person now. But I’d like to hear more about recovery and struggle even as I’m sure it is blending in with life more than its initial urgency and far less intense than it was when you were starting out.
Den
April 22, 2010
Hey Jenn,
Make sure Mr. Man gets his Sleep Study done, it’s very important. It could be a matter of life or death. Been there done that.
Stay Cool,
Den
jordan
April 22, 2010
Your posts always inspire me & make me realize that I CAN get my life on track, just like you’ve done. I’m a perfect stranger but I’m really proud of all the great changes you’ve made! 🙂
davy
April 22, 2010
Guy: Man. That sucks. Those are gonna need a treatment.
Me: Everything in my life is going through treatment. Why not the pantalones too.
Perhaps unintended, but it made me laugh nevertheless. I know this blog is part of your own catharsis but, at times, it does me good too.
Laugh a little, will ya?
J
April 22, 2010
J,
Sometimes you have to notice the ‘piss’ to realize how good life really is. Sobriety allows you to see/hear/feel what life is really about.
greer
April 22, 2010
ur not becomming jennie your Busy Jennie. Who is this Mr. Man. are we going to see you on any reality solo shows? TMZ quality? I think you have a great fan base. All the best, email me anytime…EVERYONE SHOULD SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR SITE MY EMAIL
greer
April 22, 2010
FACEBOOK OR YAHOO CONNECT SOON TO THIS SITE?
Gobias
April 22, 2010
Just saw Last Call…you were great!
John
April 22, 2010
Hi…I’m not sure you read these, being that you were on late night (E. Coast anyway) t.v! I started to tear up when I saw your art work, but irregardless, I have a little 1-5 blather they won’t let on air..
1) My wife has apnea, and the air mask sellers crowded over her post results, trying to sell her the kit like African skull sculptors-we’ve the Natick mall nr. Boston, where a kiosk houses various masks, probably so they can watch from the 2nd fl. to see who actually is brave enough to spend more than 5 seconds staring at it b4 getting weirded out by others!!
I’m hoping you aren’t ‘born again’, but even so, is it possible you might talk about what is wrong with men watching women receive facials (not in a salon), anal (obvious HIV issue, but do any women really ‘enjoy’ that?!) or bi-sexuality (are you really 100% straight..is anyone?)?
I suppose all is none of my biz, but being that I’m likely to follow your old vids now that your name is out as ‘reformed’, the only question is…are all men basically abusive, mentally or physically?
C GA
April 22, 2010
Just saw you on Last Call. Thank you for sharing your experience, God bless you in your recovery. One day at a time, we get better.
Heather
April 22, 2010
Don’t know if you’ve read it or not, but The Lost Years is a great book about overcoming addiction. I read it in two days.
Krystal Merz
April 23, 2010
Jennie,
You are beautiful inside and out. It’s nice to see people put aside their needs and just let the walls crumble down and be able to see for once, what they want and what they desire for themselves. I was an addict also. Although we may have different addictions, I think it all manifests over who we really are just the same. I am very proud of you Jennifer! You may have lived the life of glitter and glam and I may be a blue collar worker, but I share the same emotions deep inside that seem to make our edges a lil’ fuzzy. Be Bold!!! Be you! Don’t let anything or anyone ever prevent you from doing so!!! Jennifer, you are doing a great job!!! You are a beautiful inspiration!!! By changing your life, you are helping others change theirs!!! this is my first comment responding to your blog…I will be sure to give the atta-Girls you deserve…Lord knows many people look up to you and probably give you enough to last for weeks….But, I don’t think hearing someone boast about how proud they are of you, ever gets old!!
Rachel
April 23, 2010
Hi Jennie!
I just came across your blog, and really enjoyed reading the posts. I quit smoking almost a year ago, and I totally feel your pain- Go you for staying strong.
I wanted to share (an emotional, but cathartic) poem with you that I wrote last Fall. I thought you might enjoy reading it:
“I am thinking about how I live too extravagantly
Excessively, wondering if I mask the grief I faced years ago
If it’s gone away, or fermenting into a sour wine that my friends describe as
Sharp, cutting, witty, but sometimes
Melodramatic. You know, even blood can be flavorful.
I found out that it turns out
I’m not an old soul, I am new.
Upon meeting you, you’ll term me a baby
And I will shockingly take it as a compliment, hoping I will learn from you
The secrecy, humility, of maturity.
I’ve found that my weeping can be silenced into a pillow,
That dysthymic rhythms can inspire compositions
And that depression is a selfish, beautiful curse.
I can see to your soul, the best of you,
I can experience the breeze, go for a walk and tell you I’ve taken a vacation.
But on my worst day, I can’t get out of bed. ”
Take it day by day, and when that’s too much, hour by hour. And sometimes, you have to go minute by minute.
Love,
Rachel
Jenny Shain
April 23, 2010
Hi Jennie,
I was deeply touched as I saw you tell your story on tv tonight. I love seeing women come alive & live their true purpose.
Big Blessings to YOU!
greer
April 23, 2010
humans were not meant to sleep next to eachother. maybe u should get a 2 bedroom. just in case…
adrianne
April 23, 2010
I’m adrianne, I just got to read your blog after a friend recommended it, saying “she’s on a rehab I-ma-get-my-life-back process as well”. I didn’t expect anything from *cough* (and sorry for the description) an ex porn star website, but you are AMAZING and I felt truly identified with everything you have said about forgiving yourself and other stuff they teach u in rehab (I’m going thru something similar myself) and I guess u just have a new fan (among so many u must have :))
melissa
April 23, 2010
Really enjoyable blog. 🙂
atomicgator
April 23, 2010
Great post. My first time on your site, very entertaining. I plan on returning.
~Rich
ToniDogg
April 23, 2010
Hi friend, its been a while. Maybe my own guilt because I vowed to quit smoking with you and cant find it in me, at the moment anyhow,to do the same. So I have read your blogs, envious, but have not replied like I usually do. I just got back to my shithole from a beautiful 3 days in Seattle with not a drop of rain!!! Believe it or not, I was in Seattle for 3 days and didnt get a drop on me…. Anywho, take it one day at a time and breathe as many wierd/akward incriments as needed but dont give up. Your strength is mine and I hope to grow as much as you have….always reading…
ToniDogg
“Inside yourself or outside, you never have to change what you see,
only the way you see it” -Unknown
Kayla
April 23, 2010
I’m so glad you didn’t smoke. You were having a rough time, found a pack of cigs. and destroyed them before you changed your mind. It’s kind of an encouraging thought, that “someone who had a rough day, has quit smoking, and when she found them didn’t even lite 1”. I have told myself “anyone would make the mistakes that I have, if they were in the same position”. I still think that most people surrender just as easily as I do, BUT I also see that just because anyone could make my mistakes, doesn’t mean that everyone does. There are people who will do the right thing to maintain control over their lives. I mean the substance isn’t what matters. I think that no matter what your problem is, weather it’s cigarettes or pills or meth or pot or even food, you must find a way to deal with it and get in under control, because if you don’t you will surely perish. I write to Jennie’s blog to help myself so please don’t think I’m directing all of my ‘yous’ at you, Jennie. Well my Mr.Man will be home soon, so keep living and stay sober. Oh, and thanks allot by the way for showing everyone your life and problems. Some of us are realizing for the first time, that everyone needs to change sometimes. Even if you think you don’t want it, you’ll be glad you did it when you see the outcome. So thanks.
jason
April 23, 2010
Jennie.So I asked some questions before. So you don’t want to answer them, is ok.You do what you do.You going without the smokes, that’s real good.And leaving off the drugs and other business mustof been real hard. But yea the smokes is the real bitch.You going for like 18 days now man you are lot tuffer than me.But I figure you canmake it a month then I will try again.So did you really put those lozenges in your nose,did it help?And you use the patches,and straws. I heard to use hard candy to. I got another question for you, like I said before I saw you when you were doing that other stuff,and you had like big tats on your back, so how many you got and where and what are they. Well you doing good,keepat it.and good luck with everything.
becomingjennie
April 25, 2010
The patch and lozenges have been a dream for me, I’m on day 20, no smokes, and still going strong. the patch for the first two weeks and popped a lozenge when the cravings were overwhelming. But I wanted to quit. i picked a quit date and stuck with it. Maybe start by making a list of pro’s and con’s, reasons why you like smoking, and why you would like to quit. Carry it with you and give it a look once or twice a day, just as a little reminder. The list of pro’s (on mine) was very short. Straws, to act like I’m smoking… big help.
Still just that one big tattoo, plan on doing more once I have a steady job and regular income, or the next piece of artwork I sell… I’d like to have lotus flowers in various stages of bloom all the way up my back… a life in bloom….
oh, and I still have a heart on the inside of my middle finger (left hand…) but it’s fading quick..
Ghostwoods
April 24, 2010
Hi Jennie.
I had untreated apnea for years. It really sucked, and I felt shitty all the time. I now have a CPAP machine, and it’s wonderful! Takes about a week to get used to the mask, but even from the first night, I woke up feeling refreshed and energetic. Your guy will never regret taking that step — and hey, you’ll adore the damn thing too.
They truly rock.
*HUGS* to both of you.
Tim.
STH
April 24, 2010
Oh, I’m feeling the fear now that you’re talking about . . . my honey had a stroke a year and a half ago and it’s hard for me not to be overprotective of him. Today he’s out on a 400 km bike ride and I’m worried about him being hungry, cold, exhausted out on the road all alone. The thing is, though, that you have to help and encourage the people you love to live in a healthy way, but you also have to trust them to use their own good judgment. I’m starting to realize my own problems with being a control freak and the implicit assumption that I’m the only one who knows the right way to live.
And Jennie, it’s so wonderful that you’re quitting smoking; I wish you all the success in the world. Don’t ever doubt that all the pain is worth it. The reason that my honey had a stroke at 40 was the 20 years of smoking that preceded it (he hasn’t had a smoke since). You’re giving both yourself and the people who love you a huge gift by taking care of yourself. Stay strong; you deserve to be healthy.
Rob
April 24, 2010
I came back to see that little green icon, that little green icon of an alien, with the little communicating devices fastened to it’s head, like it was normal. Like my favorite martian… He could do it. He could walk up to her I bet and say dirty dirty things, and talk about if my candy squirts fell on the floor, and I picked it up, would it matter if I ate a little dirt on my candy squirt.
The Juice. Oh it’s Saturday, but I just set my clock the other day, what’s the hurry… It’s not that I have had to drink juice for over two years because the water tastes funny. I know all the juices. And I smell terrific. My dirty dirty flirting, with the sweet smelling candy squirt feeling I project. I never knew my aura could get so dirty… It was in the kitchen, and princess was twirling in the kitchen because she ate all the sushi, laughing un-controllably that she ate all the susi, and only left a single piece, with a big bite taken out of it, like it was a shark eating frenzy.
But the other day, she she woke and came down to the kitchen… room mates (it’s hard)
Me: morning princess.
Princess: morning.
Me: so you sleep well?
Princess: mm hmmm.
Me: right on.
Princess: So how was your day…
Me: It was so frustrating.
Princess: Really why?
Me: Well there’s this girl at work, and she is always getting me to do stuff, and she knows I like her, because it shows always, and she is always teasing me to see what happens, and she always does that and it’s frustrating.
Princess: Well you should ask her out.
Me: I can’t because she is married.
(Princess and me work different shifts, and princess is trying to make toast and put on butter and turmeric)
Princess: Well what can you do.
Me: (knowing princess) Well today she asked me to do something. But this time I went there and stood in front of her and let her tease me all she wanted.
Princess: Oh.
Me: Yah, so I stood there and let her make things difficult and hard, she is so hot.
Princess: mmm Oh
Me: She is such a fucking @$#% tease. Always trying to make my fucking @$#% hard. What I should have said, is Suck my Fucking @$#% or I’m not doing it !!!!
and it happened. as she was lightly tip toe’in to the sink, just when I said it hard, with force, and intent of pure sexual drama, and a little spark… her legs buckled, and she jerked violently as she tried for that next step. She thought I never knew, but I knew… As I sipped juice from the fridge… I like my juice.
So the little green fat icon.
I came back. Not because I am on a juice diet because of the gumball rally is next week. Not because the little martian reminds me of my BMW 535 all metric special M83 with the TRX I miss so much, that I bought from Cars From Mars in Van. The little green martian sold me the fastest car made, special sport, 123, or economy. Who was I then… I hate that city. I miss my car… But I’m on a expedition now, in my Sahara…. The big pee-pee. That’s what I call that city. Hey lets go to downtown and walk in the pee. Never goin back.
But is it because of your eyes? Is that it… sweet bambi girl, all grumpy and wanting to throw shit. A full woman, all full of facets.
All the money I make is for me….
its an OK saying. Don’t ya think Jennie?
Sandy
April 25, 2010
You inspire me!
AB13
April 25, 2010
Ms. Ketcham,
Well done. Good for you in helping Mr. Man see the danger of sleep apnea. I know too many people who think it’s a joke and that it’s kind of funny, but it’s not. I nearly lost an Uncle because of his own vanity and not taking his apnea seriously. He is a wonderful warm-hearted man who would do anything for anyone, except himself. He has 3 kids and a loving wife of many years and didn’t want to deal with the apnea because he was too prideful and thought that the breathing device looked like something out of Star Wars and was silly and uncomfortable. Thank god he had a strong loving woman in his life, like Mr. Man has in you. After a severe bout in which he awoke disoriented, she literally called him in sick to work while he slept and drove him to a doctor and a sleep diagnosis center where he got the help that he needed. He makes no bones about telling everyone that she ‘saved his life’. There are people who think he is being dramatic when he says this, but it is no less serious than many other diseases that people ridicule as ‘weaknesses’. He has never felt healthier and is living a much better life because of it. Stick to you guns and keep on your man about it. I’m sure you understand the importance after what you’ve gone through. It’s nothing to fool with, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about and it is such an easy thing to ‘live without’. (Keep on him, for his own good)
Best of luck to you both.
Jeff
Rock Neveau
May 3, 2010
I have apnea and spent years with my wife (Sandie) and I sleeeping in seperate rooms or having her describe what you just wrote.
I found out it is not just incredibly annoying to your lover, but also life threatening.
It was kind of weird and humiliating at first, but I wear a CPAP mask and it changed my life. Felt like I was on speed or something after getting a proper nights sleep. And it sure is nice being able to lay down next to Sandie, say “good night, baby” and not feel guilty about keeping her (or driving her out of the room!).
Wearing this mask=thing is hard to do for a guy…..but once it is accepted, it seems silly not to do it.
Rock Neveau
Westminster, CO
Chris
May 15, 2010
I want that dog.
That is all.