I’ve heard the phrase “Monday Blues” my entire adult life, and have never given much thought to what it actually means. Partially because Friday and Monday had little difference to me due to the strange pornographic work schedule, partially because if I did happen to work on a Monday, the majority of porn companies didn’t start before 10 and I’d be home smoking pot by 4. Tomorrow is a big, different kind of Monday for me, and while the winds of change are positive and smell of the sweet success of being an active part of society, this particular Monday is going to be a tough one. A big, tough, really long Monday.
The winds of change I spoke of are my return to school, and even though I’m only taking three classes, I feel the pressure of a million elephants on my shoulders. I’m also looking and planning for the future. Which is a new thing for me. For example, I can apply to UCLA this fall, 2010, but I think I’d have a better chance of being accepted if I were to spend the next year getting my g.p.a. up, and back into the swing of school. I’d also like to apply to Cal Berkeley, and in order to do so, need to take another 5 courses to fulfill all the prerequisites. Which is fine. I need to get used to being in school again. But those 5 courses are no joke, not the light fluffy English classes I ace with no problem. They are courses like physics and anatomy, physiology, and biology. Big, heavy classes to go with a big heavy Monday. So I’m stuck between taking 3 and 4 classes, I don’t want to overload myself and end up dropping courses, but I also want to look good for future transcripts, to show that I am taking school seriously, and can handle a full load of 12 or 13 units. I’m presently enrolled in 2 classes, am trying to crash another 1 or 2, and tomorrow is a full day with all the classes, whether I can actually enroll in them or not.
In addition to school from 8:00am to 3:30, I’m also working from 4:00 to 9:00, so there will be a black change of clothes in my already full backpack, some make up, and comfortable shoes. My my how times have changed. My bag used to be packed with stilettos and fake hair. Now loaded to the brim with books and flats, the bag I carry also carries purpose. Even if that purpose exhausts me.
I also received the last set of notes for my proposal yesterday, my agent Terra has done an incredible amount of work, and I am just so grateful to have her in my court. So school, work, book, boyfriend, love, intimacy, future… This shit is really happening. I suppose I’m just in shock. I have to remind myself that this is the life I’ve wanted. This is the full life recovery promises. These are the promises coming true, right before my very eyes. Dreams and promises I didn’t know I wanted when I walked in the doors of Pasadena Recovery Center, a life I didn’t think possible when I woke up to strangers calling me Jennie. When I woke up to myself.
So the Monday Blues are real. While I am not blue, I am admittedly stressed about the fullness of my day. I know it will be okay, as everything always seems to be. And I know this kind of Monday will not be every Monday forever, an addict line of thinking I fall into more often than not. This kind of full day will pass, and provide for an even fuller future, where Monday doesn’t have to be a 13 hour day. Saucy is farting, Mr. Man is cooking beautiful bone in rib eye steaks, and Sunday night remains a Sunday night. So I will stay right here, enjoy right now, and when tomorrow comes, I will go moment by moment, until I’m back home, relaxing on my couch, and feeling satisfied for completing my first official day of being a full time student and part time worker.
A life. A full, beautiful, and happy life.