I remember the morning I first cried upon reading comments from this blog. I had just left rehab, had written a few posts, and not a soul knew that this space existed. And then one morning, I sat down to write and there were over one hundred comments for me to sort through. I’m still unsure of how the word got out about me leaving, surely some post on an adult web forum or something of the like, but word got out and all of these comments were saying “Good job Jennie.” “I believe in you Jennie.” “You can do it Jennie.”
There were a few naysayers, but hardly enough to poison my whole punch bowl. Needless to say, it was the first time I’d been called Jennie by internet strangers/friends, the first time I’d been called Jennie in a public space. The first time someone other than my Mom or Dad or Duncan or Drew or Jill had said they were proud of me. It was the first of a lot of things, and the start of some fairly big things. This blog really was the start of a new and improved me.
Now, I look back over the detailed days of my life post-pornography and am amazed at the journey in front of me. So glad I wrote it all down. So glad I can see it all before me. So glad I put in the effort to document something important to me. Because it turned out to be important to others as well. This blog reminds me of how important it is to follow through with my plans. To press on even when I’m busy and life has filled up. It reminds me of staying the course, and following a small, seemingly meaningless dream.
The book proposal goes out to editors and publishers today. It is a big day in my moderately big life.
I will turn in my application to UCLA today. It is a small step toward a moderately big goal.
I will prepare for midterms that come in the next two weeks. Finding it easier to look ahead, and much more interesting to look back.
I would never answer to Penny now.
So as the time falls back, and we all have an hour more to snuggle in close to those we love, unless of course you are someplace strange that doesn’t get that fun “guess what time it really is” dance, I’m taking the time to take the time. To look ahead, and back. And be perfectly content right where I am.