I submitted my application tonight, with knots in my stomach and heavy fingers. I am very fortunate to have a Psychiatrist as a mentor, a therapist as a cheerleader, a literary agent who is… an incredible editor, a boyfriend who is a writer, and a dear friend who is a law school grad. All these people helped in forming what I’m going to post here today, and whether accepted or not, I am indebted to them for their kindness. You all know who you are. xoxox
UCLA asked that we write about our chosen major…why…well…
Personal Statement 1
Although as a child I never wanted to by a psychologist, my recent experiences have inspired a change. Within the past two years, my life has undergone a metamorphosis due to a therapist and a psychiatrist. From an angry and defiant young woman to nude model to porn star to Oprah’s couch and guest speaker at Harvard, I never expected the field of psychology to change my life, just as I never expected participating in “Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew” to change the way I live. It is because of treatment I received on television and in an outpatient program that I wish to devote my life psychology.
When my parents were getting divorced, I was angry and court ordered to see a psychologist. When the session began, I promptly told the psychologist he was only helping me because he couldn’t help himself; my introduction to the world of psychology was tainted by the ugliness of my parent’s divorce. In my teens, I led a double life. I was promiscuous and defiant yet maintained good grades as to appease my mother. When she kicked me out of the house four months before high school graduation, she told me I would never finish school, let alone go to college. Still defiant, I graduated and began attending San Diego State University pursuing a degree in Business Administration.
The path from Business Administration undergraduate to nude model and porn star is not as illogical as one may think. When I was a child, I wanted to be famous. I wanted to be loved and acknowledged, and more than anything, I wanted to be successful. Watching my mother do her best to raise three children on thirty-five thousand dollars a year, in a town where the median income was ninety-five thousand, I became convinced that money was equal to the measure of a woman’s success and her ultimate worth. Once I started college, I decided nude modeling was the best way to make money, and when nude modeling money wouldn’t suffice and my grades began to decline, I started doing adult films. It was so easy to be swept away by the immediate and outrageous paychecks. I quit school to pursue what I believed to be my true calling. I was going to be a famous porn star. People would love me and I would live forever, even if it was only on the internet.
I continued down this path for eight years, and the emotional wear-and-tear of selling sex for money began to override any dreams I may have had for a normal life. I was incapable of creating and sustaining relationships, had no concept of a dollar, and hadn’t used my real name since I started porn. By the time I checked into “Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew,” a reality rehab show about men and women suffering from sexual addiction, I had neither the social skills that would allow me to function and make money in this society, nor did I have any idea of what I’d signed up to do. I signed up to process those angry and helpless feelings I’d been denying since my court-ordered psychologist had politely asked me to leave his office twelve years prior. I had also signed up, unknowingly, to reconnect to the innocent and delicate young woman hiding beneath the fake eyelashes. Once I checked into rehab and was unable to dissociate from my own feelings because of a lack of drugs, sex and distraction, the damage I’d done to myself became apparent. I experienced sadness over my parents divorce for the first time. I processed a rape that I’d never told anyone about. And I met for the first time people who encouraged me to have hope in my future.
Over the past year and a half I have done everything in my power to rediscover the woman I am, and to create the woman I know I will be. I’ve been in therapy on a weekly basis since April 2009, and a psychiatrist has become my mentor, meeting with me once a week as well. For so long, I didn’t think I deserved to be happy, to be loved, to be successful– even though I was seduced into thinking these things came with being a porn star. Now, because of two generous people who’ve devoted their lives to the fields of psychology and psychiatry, I am confident in returning to school, in my relationships and when I look in the mirror. I wish to follow in their footsteps so that one day, I may help someone too. I am Jennie Ketcham, not Penny Flame. And I have them to thank for helping me find happiness, set goals, and pursue my dreams.
They then asked for us to describe something we have accomplished or are proud of…. so… thank you… this segment wouldn’t be possible without you.
Personal Statement 2
When I quit the adult business, I began a blog documenting my departure from the porn industry. I wrote daily, mourning the persona I’d left behind, and attempting to find a voice with which to write. Soon thereafter, the blog began receiving serious attention and I began receiving support from readers. People found inspiration in my journey and the courage to make long overdue changes in their own lives. This outpouring of support motivated me to write a memoir, which my literary agent sent to editors and publishers November 10th, 2010. Because of this blog, incredible opportunities continue to arise. From appearing on “Oprah” in October of 2009 to discuss these changes to speaking at Harvard on “Porn, Fame and Addiction,” in March of 2010, the blog has allowed me to connect with millions of people. I am proud to have created something so poignant and meaningful. I am proud to continue chronicling my journey and to give hope to those at the very beginning of their own path. I am proud to have created written proof of the positive effects of good therapy and the blog reminds me of how far I’ve come in less than two years, providing the simple encouragement that I need to continue facing every day challenges.
Last, they wanted anything left unsaid. So…
Additional Comments
Upon viewing my transcripts from San Diego State University for this application, it seems there is a negative correlation between the decline in my grades and increase in my participation in pornography. With all I’ve learned over the past two years, coupled with my short yet successful stint at Santa Monica College, I feel as if this may have been prevented had there been some sort of emotional support from within the adult industry.
My decision to pursue an undergraduate degree in Psychology extends far beyond that of undergraduate work. While my ultimate goal is to become a Clinical Psychologist, focusing research, I will at one point in my career be in a place where I can offer an incredibly unique service. Because of my close connections to the adult industry, in the future I’d like to offer free psychological counseling at the Adult Industry Medical Health Care Foundation; a clinic founded by a retired performer, Dr. Sharon Mitchell, that provides the required STD testing for men and women working in pornography. As a woman who has experienced nearly every aspect of the industry, I know first hand there is no service offered through AIM that looks after the emotional well-being of the performers. I would be able to approach sensitive topics without judgment and believe my services there would be invaluable. These dreams are admittedly grand, but I believe they are entirely achievable.
Thank you all for sharing this whole journey with me. From the bottom of my heart.
xo
firstverb
November 11, 2010
Miss Jennifer,
This is beautifully written, you do indeed have a good team. I love the way it tells your history past, present, and future. Thank you very much for sharing, I pray this reaches all the right eyes. I hope you are having a happy week, surrounded by many pleasant people.
Have a glorious day.
Jim
November 11, 2010
Wow! Just read your latest update about applying to school. Deep Stuff! You’re a tough, smart and interesting person. Good Luck! I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Jim
Ryann
November 11, 2010
This brought tears to my eyes, Jennie! Good luck and CONGRATS!
stewart
November 12, 2010
Well Done Jenny Girl! If they dont accept you then the world is upside down and it will be their great loss. With every entry in your blog I see you growing in both humanity and also as a well rounded person anyone would be proud to call a friend. You go girl!
Steve-0
November 12, 2010
I saw Penny Flame in a clip recently…she was obviously stoned out of her tree. You, Jennie, bear no resemblance to that woman…well, maybe the nose is the same. But the eyes…that’s a different person looking out in those clips. I’m so very glad you shed that persona. She would have been the death of you.
And a phoenix emerged…who knew? 🙂
Tony
November 12, 2010
absolutely the best of luck to you!!
Kelly Srader
November 12, 2010
Wow. I’m so proud of you and know you will be accepted into UCLA. Your statements are beautiful. I feel like a proud mom reading these.
pierantonio
November 12, 2010
A lot of bullshit!
Sean
November 12, 2010
Well-written, honest and professional. I certainly would give you nothing but support if I was reviewing this application.
Good luck Jennie!
L.C.
November 12, 2010
Dear Jennie,
Sort of unusual to read someone’s Collage application and then again you are an unusual person, to so openly show what is alive in you. Having drifted through your blogs from the notorious of yore to the post rehab reflective ones it is truly eye catching to hear what you make of all this in the two most recent posts.
I guess all of us have trials and tribulations when we are young and that does not stop as we age. But what is so striking to me is that from one human to another we do care about each other. As you point out mass communication exposes that in the most surreal way. Odd; but there may not be much different now from being on Oprah’s couch to being with our village in the Rift River Valley 20,000 years ago — being human, recognizing the importance of each others needs for our survival while the hungry lions howl at night — maybe it’s the same universal necessity.
Perhaps by simple seeing what is alive in each of us, World Peace is possible. Certainly at very least your parents and most people who have followed your discovery are in awe. Bravo Kid and good luck. LC
P.S. there seems to be a new LC responding this week, not me.
Jon
November 12, 2010
I continue to be inspired by your progress. You ROCK!!!!
Randy
November 12, 2010
Proud of you, Jennie. Thanks for letting us join you on the journey.
John B
November 12, 2010
Your personal growth is astounding, well done!
MamaV
November 12, 2010
I am so inspired by you- I work with teen girls in the foster care system and was also wild in my younger years too. I hope you find one day that maybe the reason the porn industry doesn’t offer emotional support/services to it’s ‘performers’ is becuase their industry thrives on the wounded,hurt, aching, desperate, addicted and so on. If all those people got the proper ‘counseling’ or ‘rehab’ they would go make BETTER lives for themselves like art, blogging and applying at UCLA:) I hope you do inspire those people should they actually give you a chance to counsel people ‘out’ of their industry-lol – Well keep your head up and you have no idea how many people you have touched because of your brutal honesty! I hope you truly see that God has his hand on your life and that he has always been there beside you, aching with you- but now you are letting him work in your life and oh its miraculous!!! WE LOVE YOU BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!!!
Kent
November 12, 2010
ditto to what Randy said. Proud of you Jennie!
Hoosier
November 12, 2010
Wishing you all the best with your application! Don’t forget the many anonymous supporters among your blog readers who are also ardently pulling for you. Congratulations on this next step!
rayne
November 12, 2010
I think you would do well in this. The porn industry has made a few steps forward since the 70’s, and physical testing is one of them – but dealing with the emotional and psych end of things is the elephant in the room.
If you continue down this path you would be uniquely qualified: You were a bonafide star by anyone’s standards, have gone through treatment and can help others from that standpoint.
Maybe this, and not porn, is your true calling.
Rayne
Greg
November 12, 2010
Jennie,
WOW…it just makes me cry to see you be able to reflect on you life so objectively. I am/was struck by the fact that you equated success with the size of your paycheck or the amount of money you have in the bank. Since I was about the age of 14 I have saved money, became a workaholic missed most of my kids lives growing up just for the sake of thinking I had value. At the age of 45-47, I began to realize that I had missed all the good stuff.
I think the past is the past and that is where it should be. I congratulate you on making the disconnect between money and your value. From this blog, and the response and love and support you receive, I hope that you have found something more important than fame or money. I hope that you realize how powerful the love, hope and support of complete strangers can be.
More beautiful than the best song, painting or photograph is the belief and empathy that mankind has for someone trying. The honest, sincere and heartfelt belief that you are going to make it.
Fade into a great life, reconcile with your mother, father, siblings and never miss the good stuff. How beautiful is that?
What a wonderful story!!! I am not sure one book is going to be sufficient to capture the whole story.
WOW…thank you for allowing me a taste of faith, hope and love..as I believe God meant for us to see it.
Greg
Kevin
November 12, 2010
An authentic, insightful and well written piece. It would be a shame if they don’t recognize the impact you could have on those in the future. They should be honored to help propel you towards that future. Furthermore, I hope they recognize the potential impact you could have in bettering those around you, and how they can help you reach those goals.
I really want to applaud you for wanting to perpetuate the same kind of support and help that you were given on your journey through sobriety. It really speaks to your growth, and your potential to take that growth further.
Keep on truckin’.
Acidburn
November 13, 2010
Hey Jennifer,
Thanks you for sharing your journey with us, you inspire us all to find the true person within ourselves.
All the best
Catalina
November 13, 2010
Wow. I’ve never seen you in an adult video, but I watched you on Dr Drew and was very moved by your honesty and willingness to be open. I admire so much that you have made it your life’s mission to help others… and that is so inspiring.
I wish you all the best, and am so glad that you have love and support around you.
Steve-P
November 13, 2010
Great essay. Don’t see how UCLA passes on this incredibly unique opportunity. But best of luck to you, either way. Keep up the blog. It has been a wonderful influence on my life. Looking forward to the book.
Corey
November 13, 2010
We’re proud of you, Jennie. I was a drug addict and alcoholic myself. And I also kicked, and went back to college. I’ve been in the medical profession for over 20 years. Watching you on Sober House, I knew therewas something special about you, and I was right. Stay on the path. And we will continue to support you.
Zephyr
November 14, 2010
Well done. Kinda makes think about what the Beatles said in “With a Little Help From my Friends.”
Mel
November 14, 2010
You are so inspiring. I think your application is great! I have watched your journey on Celebrity Rehab and have been rooting for you in your life. I am so proud of your accomplishments and think you are an amazing woman!
jonuca
November 14, 2010
AMEN jennie!! keep it up 🙂
Bruno Braga
November 14, 2010
Parabéns, Jennie! Acompanhei o programa Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew e vi o quão doce és. Todo sucesso para você nessa sua nova jornada.
Beijos do Brasil,
Brunno
TJ
November 15, 2010
Jennie,
As an alumnus of UCLA, I hope you are admited and will one day get to walk the halls in Westwood. The school will be a much better place if you are there to learn and to help others learn and grow along with you.
Best of luck. You have my vote.
Lance
November 14, 2010
Jenny so glad to see how you have realized that your value is in yourself and not in how much you make or how famous you are. As long as you have faith in yourself you can do just about anything that you set your mind to. You have grown so much in the past year and it is all due to staying focused on good things.
You really are positioned to help so many people as a psychologist who truly has seen the other side. Sending good vibes your way and knock em dead in college Jenny.
lorenetheodora
November 15, 2010
The road ahead maybe tough but do continue to stick to your beliefs and dreams!
Lyssa
November 15, 2010
You’re amazing Jenny. I sent you a very long and descript letter on your pennyflame site tha tI really hope you get, I only just found this one… You are an inspiration and your dream is beautiful and I know for a fact that you will succeed. You’re amazing girly.
Love from, someone just like you.
Jeff1photo
November 15, 2010
Interesting that you want to work at AIM. At which point do you counsel someone? At the beginning of their career, at the end? or when they cry for help? Or is it a mass screening, like an STD test, a certificate of emotional well being maybe?
We’ve had hundreds of girls walk through our studio doors over the years. Many have transcended into porn. Most Brit girls working in LA will have started out on the UK Glamour Photo circuit. Some have returned this year to take up Escorting. Escorts are what you would call Hookers, it sounds nicer somehow… Ecsort, as a term, has a quaint sort of innocence.
I’m not sure how you get your head around being a porn actor/actress. How you turn off, it must be almost impossible to do. I know some porn stars form relationships with other porn stars. Get married even. But whatever constitutes a relationship, it must be under some sort of strain, even if that strain is silent.
I’ve had a few girlfriends over the years who have been photo models. Going to work posing naked for other photographers, and then there is me working with other women. Strangely, it has never caused any stress, because working in the industry, you understand that 99.999% of the days it’s just work. One body is pretty much like the next. Like you once said it’s just “subject matter”. Well actually that’s not true, not here anyway. Nobody is really just an object or a commodity, it just feels that way sometimes.
But posing for a camera, a stills photo shoot, is a far cry from going to work and having sex with someone. Personally I couldn’t get my head around that. I know you can say “It’s just work”. But emotionally it must be draining. Going to work and doing something which would end most relationships, openly, and without any qualms, on a daily, weekly basis… that’s too weird for me to comprehend!
Girls coming into the industry, even at my low, low, level do it with their eye’s wide shut. It’s as though they think, what happens in the studio stay’s in the studio. And it doesn’t. So I explain that everything I do is for sale. So, today’s shoot will end up on a website or in a magazine somewhere. And your mother, father, next door neighbour and his dog might see them. Even in years to come you’ll still be there.
So do you counsel people when they first consider, or later when the damage is done? Hard to answer, because even people who are damaged don’t always realise, because it happens slowly.
Too deep for me… back to work 🙂
heather
November 15, 2010
Oh hell I’m crying at work and my boss is screaming for coffee.
Thank you Jennie for the feeling. I didn’t do my stupid makeup today anyway.
Greg
November 16, 2010
Jennie,
Let’s not wait for UCLA or AIM…Let’s see if we can help Lyssa if she needs it!! Check her out for us kiddo…Jennie’s Army is ready….and Heather..tell your boss to get his own damn coffee. I have 266 employees and I would be ashamed of myself to be so damn pious and lazy as to expect someone else to get my coffee. Lyssa needs us more than he needs his damn coffee!!!!
Sorry Jennie…but…I take this serious.
“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” Margaret Mead
Greg
Sometimes all you have to do is ask and help comes a storming in!!!
Dave
November 16, 2010
I know your capable of so much and I believe your only scratching the surface.
Kelly
November 16, 2010
Wow!! Cheers jennie. I have felt compelled to comment a million times and never did until now.
This world needs any and all mental health professionals who can help marginalized and always underserviced peeps.
Your a great mirror girl. And a real normalizer in that sense for me.
PS . glad your not doing reality tv rehab anymore as u might have become a longterm addiction…
Tom
November 17, 2010
You’ve come a long way. I have not doubt you’ll succeed.
Good luck. 🙂
Shannon
November 17, 2010
You continue to inspire and amaze me. Keep up the great work Jennie!
CanadaPat
November 17, 2010
It’s really happening. Not a dream or a delusion but really, truly, actually happening! Awesome! =D
Lauren
November 17, 2010
Hiya Jennifer. I’ve only just come across you (Watched an episode of Dr Drews sex rehab), but already i have a soft spot for you. Things about you remind me of myself a lot.
Anyway, good luck!
And i shall continue to read your blogs!
Lasha
November 17, 2010
Wow, Jennie, that was an amazing application statement. You truly are an inspiration and I know you will get into UCLA. *sending positive thoughts*
And no, thank you for sharing yourself on this blog.
Gary
November 18, 2010
GOOD LUCK JENNY!!!
There is no stopping you now.the world is your oyster.
Gary WalesUK
Joe Rider
November 18, 2010
Hi Jennie,
Congratulations on getting your application done. I was sad when I heard you left porn because you were one of my favorite performers, but seeing how you have taken control of your life is heartening and inspiring.
Keep working hard. I’m sure you’ll do great!
FJ
Courtney B.
November 18, 2010
Beautifully written! Very heartfelt and deep! Best of luck in your endeavors forever and always!
geo
November 18, 2010
To describe you and who you’ve been, who you’re are and who you are becoming the word “incredible” comes to mind… but it just doesn’t sound quite right. You are wholly credible, and that is a rarity. I suppose that’s part of what makes your words so worth reading. I am truly humbled, Ms K. Paz
Simon Johnson
November 18, 2010
Hey Jennie,
I’ve been watching the Dr Drew Sex Re-Hab show in the UK…just showing this week here in England…I’ve found it very moving…made me think about a lot of things too…I’m genuinely pleased that you’re on the road to realising the remarkable human being you are…’Life’s a Long Song’…you will have a fabulous time at university…I attended as an ex-rock guitar player & got a 1st class degree in English…most importantly though, as an individual it tends to validate what you’ve been thinking your whole life…it can be a huge source of strength & empowerment moving forward.
Love % respect
Si
amy
November 19, 2010
I just want to join the chorus of well-wishers. Your blog is wonderful and you are an inspiration. Good luck!
Tricia F
November 21, 2010
Have been watching you on Sex Rehab, the series nearly finishing here in New Zealand and was curious to see how you’re doing. Excited to see how far you’ve come in a short space of time. Crazy to be pleased for someone I hadn’t even heard of when I started watching the series but … I am. Good on you, Jennie! Enjoy your new life, your new choices and know that you are inspiring people. xx
Mckinley Johnson
November 22, 2010
wow that was awesome I seriously hope you can make it in!
LC
November 22, 2010
Go Girl!!!!!!!!!!
Dave N
November 23, 2010
Jennie, I just realized this, and I think I have some bad news for you: Your second personal statement is only around 218 words long. The minimum requirement for any personal statement is 250 words.
Here’s the link to where I found out about the requirement:
Click to access UCSB%20PersonalStatement%20Handout09.pdf
C.W. Cale
November 24, 2010
[MAD APPLAUSE] So well written!
S McCamey
November 24, 2010
Congratulations! You inspire me and awe me and make me smile deep in my heart! Keep going!!!!!
http://writingmywaysober.blogspot.com/
dave
November 25, 2010
I am pleased for you, I was a so called late bloomer myself. Like anything else these things have to happen in their own time and when it is right you can move heaven and earth to achieve your goal…good luck. Do well and be proud. Dave
Tupelo Honey
November 25, 2010
Very thoughtful & well-written. I just *know* you’ll be accepted!
Adrián
November 27, 2010
What a woman!!!, girl, you have nothing to be ashamed of, you were brave enough to do what you wanted (and you did it great), and brave enough to say: That’s it and change your goals.
The most important thing: you’re fighting for what you want.
I love Penny Flame, but i admire Jennifer, thank you for giving us the opportunity to find out that you’re not just an incredibly beautiful woman, but also a smart and brave girl.
Success in your new episode, it’s like Bowie, he has changed like a thousand times but he keeps being amazing hehe, i hope (and trust) you’ll be as great as you were in your old phase in whatever you decide to do.
Keep making us proud, but most of all, stay proud of yourself, believe me, you have a lot of reasons for it.
Greetings from a mexican follower.
jhoop
November 29, 2010
You never cease to amaze me. Your writing is amazing and you have come so far. Jennie Ketcham will be successful at anything she wants to do. Have a great day and know that you are awesome in every way.
Steph
November 30, 2010
Amazingly proud of you, Jennie. Good luck and I hope it works out for you! You are on the right track and I’ll keep you in my thoughts, even though you don’t know me. Good on ya, lady.
karem
December 3, 2010
Hey Jennie. Tonight I was wondering what happened with your life after the show, so I did a little google and found this blog. I have to say, I’m very proud of the person you’ve become. You are inspirational. I never watched your adult material, and I always thought people in the adult industry where nasty, because I was raised with that idea. But seeing you, a real person, with so much going on in your life, struggling, fighting and telling the world your deepest thoughts, fears and secrets, it makes me realize judging others is never the smartest thing to do. I admire you Jennie, for keep trying to find who you are, and helping others in the process. Love and blessings from a proud South American fan.
Lary
December 15, 2010
I’m guessing that what you was sufficient to gain admission to UCLA. The industry will be fortunate to have you.
Kathleen
December 26, 2010
Thankyou
You’ve inspired me so can do others :’) You’re a remarkable woman and a role model.
Just Thankyou so much.
Scott
March 6, 2011
Just checked in on this blog for the first time in a few months. It’s great to hear how well you are doing Jennie, though I expected nothing less – every time I come here, I’m reminded of just how much ass you’re kicking on a daily basis. I am proud of you. Keep up the outstanding work!
Darrin G
June 23, 2011
Jennie, still reading, and still abstinent. I’ve lost track of the days, maybe a week. I used to count them, but it got in the way of focusing on today. Anyway, some truly inspired writiing there. I actually read through all of the comments to this post, and two gave me reason to pause and wonder.
First, in your cast bio for the Sex Rehab and the Sober House shows, it reads, “became one of the most financially successful porn and web-cam actors in the world.” You may be the millionaire next door, which is great, but still (and I write this without having read all of your posts…yet) riding the bus, renting a one-bedroom apartment, and asking for donations seems odd. What did you do with the money you earned? Okay, some went up your nose, up in smoke, down your throat or to Mercedes-Benz, but still, you didn’t save anything? Aren’t there business managers or financial advisors or CPAs or attorneys or something to educate the folks in the adult business about financial matters? This might be something for the folks at AIM to look into adding. I think you wrote somewhere that most get into the business for the money. What ashame if most leave the business with less (financially, emotionally, and spiritually) than they started with. Again, maybe you are all set, and I’m talking out of the top of my head, but then again maybe you aren’t. If these types of services were available, would you have used them?
Which leads me to your desire to work at AIM, which is admirable, and to Jeff’s question: “At which point do you counsel someone?” You were in AIM for your tests, if there were counseling services available would have you availed yourself of them or scoffed at the notion? With the utmost respect, you admitted to initially planning to use the Sex Rehab appearence to take your PF persona to the next level and retire. Then again, if you had an office at AIM, and a girl wanted help, for those that want help can get it, you would be there to help her and truly empathize with her.
I do wish you all the best. Keep up the great work, you are worth it.
Darrin G
P.S. I’m assuming/hoping you stopped smoking (again I haven’t read all the posts), by virtue of the social vibe link below.