Two years ago, about this time, I had already done the casting to do “Sex Rehab” and interestingly enough, was very excited about the potential of going into a rehab facility for three weeks. Most people I know are not as excited as I was to go to rehab. In fact, most are dreading it as it generally means they cannot drink, drug or do whatever it is they happen to be rehabbing. I spoke with all of my “colleagues,” from directors to agents to other porn stars, and there seemed to be a general discomfort about my casting, and attendance. For some reason, the motivation behind the discomfort of others never entered my brain. I felt only excitement. Like, this will be the perfect rehab for a super whore. I remember my first day perfectly. Nerves. I felt like throwing up. I had to sit in a waiting room, a yellow holding cell of sorts, until the camera’s were ready. Until my roommate had settled. Until everything was perfect for entry.
I felt like the world held it’s breath as I entered Pasadena Recovery Center. All of humanity waited to exhale.
A week passed and feelings came up that couldn’t be denied. Feelings of sadness. Emptiness. A generalized sense of hopelessness. They were feelings other sex addicts on the show were also expressing. To withhold these emotions would be counterproductive. It would be obvious. When Dr. Drew asked what sat behind my wall, the impenetrable wall I lived behind, or inside, a few cool tears fell as I replied, “Hopefully, a really nice girl.” The truth was I had no clue if anything was behind my walls. I knew what the “insides” looked like, my insides between my legs, but not inside my chest. Not in my heart. I don’t know if it ever occurred that bloody thing kept beating, even with all the abuse. That emotional pain felt exactly the same as physical pain, that it registered in the same area of the brain. So when I started sharing those feelings, whether or not they were pornographically approvable, I knew one thing for certain.
I would never be accepted back into the cult that was my former industry.
I’ve spoken with many people about the cult-esque aspect of the adult industry. Just like Jim Jones’ followers didn’t wake up one day and decide to sell their houses, move to Guyana, and participate in a mass suicide, you don’t just wake up one day and decide to live a life of what Charlie Sheen might refer to as “winning.” It takes baby steps. But leaving that cult, leaving an industry as all consuming as adult, it takes a hard, clean cut, and if one is to ensure no opportunity of return, one must do so by being honest about feelings.
Feelings make people in porn feel very uncomfortable, because porn stars should not be riddled with ugly little things like feelings.
Today I went over to the Pasadena Recovery Center to visit with a few cast members from the new season of Celebrity Rehab, at which point one of them informed me I’d been blacklisted from the adult business, to which I said, “Of course I have, Porn Stars can’t have the feelings I can have,” and I’m admittedly a bit perturbed about the idea of being blacklisted. Being blacklisted from the porn-cult. After the million and a half baby steps it took to sink into the lukewarm water of mediocrity that is selling pussy for cash, all it took was three weeks in treatment and then twelve short televised weeks of being emotionally available, and interesting things begin to happen.
The world accepts and encourages those willing to do the work, to be open, honest. The people of the world support those wishing to change destructive ways, those wishing to better themselves, those who’ve made some mistakes and have some amends to make. The world has accepted me, you have held me, loved me with such strong and compassionate arms, and yet, here I am, confused as to why being “blacklisted” from such a small, incestuous and insidious industry would bother me.
Where is Jim Jones when you need him?
The truth of the matter is I should not care because the few people that actually matter from that part of my life, are still on my favorites when you push my super old-school iphone “phone” button. The truth of the matter is there is no leader in the business that can have bragging rights like Jim could have, there was no charismatic head honcho walking young beauties into well lit rooms for gang-bangs to satisfy hunger or leading them to troughs filled with thirst quenching regret. The truth is… “there’s no honor among thieves,” and porn has no face, spine or heart. I had refrained from making any statements about the industry as a whole because some part of me wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be liked by an industry that has a turnover rate of three months and a high school education. I wanted to be liked.
Maybe that’s how the whole thing started.
Whatever it was, or wasn’t, and whatever happened today or didn’t, I left the PRC and drove down the 110 south. Back to the beach, back to my life and back to my home with my man, animals, job, school, and friends. And as I was driving down the 110 South, it occurred to me that nobody gave a flying fuck. Nobody cared the day I went into PRC. Nobody cares about these people that are in PRC. Nobody cares about Charlie Sheen, his “goddesses,” or any of the bullshit nonsense that may or may not come from their lives. What we care about is how it all affects us. And most of the time it doesn’t. Which is kind of, sort of, a huge relief. As lonely and terrifying as it may feel for someone who loves being in front of a camera…
It’s nice to exist with or without that attention. Hopefully, the patients of the new season, and the angry porn stars of yesteryear will find that comfort as well.
Becoming Jennie 
Jim
March 6, 2011
I read your posts in awe of your insight and strength. I can’t give you any advice that you probably have not already been given. Just know that myself, and a lot of other people, want you to be happy, healthy and safe.
Invisible Mikey
March 6, 2011
It is confusing for the young, how they can be consumed by older, smarter, more evil people. The closest I got was living with an “exotic dancer”, But I could see from that where it always leads (if allowed). Abuse, misuse, disrespect – unless you dump out or find an escape route. It’s a blessing, or just dumb luck, or the fact that you respect gravity, that you made it out Jennie. Blacklisted from a cult should be worn as a badge of honor.
Jonathan
March 6, 2011
But isn’t it comforting to know that while your living, whole self is not welcome in porn, the backlog of material you left behind is still as welcome as it was when you left. Can you feel the love?
I had a similar experience with the drinking friends I left behind. I thought it would be hard for me to be around them. No, we stopped hanging out because THEY couldn’t be around me. I was not allowed to have a problem because that would mean that THEY must have a problem. I was a constant reminder of what they were fighting so hard to deny.
erielhonan
March 6, 2011
“Recovery is a hell of a drug.”
– Not Rick James
I’m just a twitter fan Jenny, and a person in recovery. Sounds to me like you had a good day. That bittersweet thing, the sense of success that comes with objectively processing difficult feelings, is what reminds me why I’m still in recovery. I don’t know the industry, but I know the personal and social soullessness that goes with using sex and chemicals out of a sense of need. It necessarily takes a while, what with all the crazy chemical reconfiguration while going through post-acute withdrawal, but being at peace with the past and engaged with the present is a pretty damn good place to be.
Tod
March 6, 2011
You’re a beautiful inspiration, Jennie. Don’t ever forget that. Thousands of people like me — also in recovery — support you. 🙂 Stay strong!
edonatico
March 6, 2011
you’re absolutely right Jennie.
Who cares? Generally nobody. In any business.
Just keep on on caring about yourself.
You’re doing well.
good luck Jennie.
Kent
March 6, 2011
Blacklisted by people that you’d spent eight years in the “business” with, hhmmmm. Like Jim says, there are thousands of people out here that you don’t even know that got your back! Continued best of everything to ya, Jennie.
John
March 7, 2011
I’ll second that thought, and add my own.
“Living well is the best revenge.” George Herbert.
You’re obviously living well, and getting better every day.
I for one “got your back,” Jennie.
Ross
March 6, 2011
You are winning.
Eddie
March 6, 2011
A perfect introduction to a wonderful autobiography (or biography in the same and different eyes). If you don’t mind me saying…
I am merely a follower and a supporter, a boy who has along with many of your readers, become especially awed of your courage and strength, become clean-hearted and felt love from your writing, your experience and your endeavours. I’m actually a 19 year old musician, a kid who had his fair-share of drugs and alcohol, and not proud of it. And I’m not linking this experience with yours, which has more stories behind it. And all I had to leave you is a ‘thank you’. You changed me, in every way I wanted to but couldn’t. We all have walls to breach, but we can never find the tools to breach them with. But you were one of many sledgehammers to tear that down for me. Now comes the project to fill that wall with something that’s not made of objects that are colder than stone or concrete. Whether it be words or art, I hope I can see it or read it. (I’m a fan of your artwork too).
With kind words, and a curtsy (although a bow should be more preferable to a man), I’m glad I finally wrote something to you, Jennie. There’s a sense of relief writing this, because words literally cannot express the love and gratitude I have for your bravery and existence in this world.
Max
March 6, 2011
It’s good to hear you talk about your past, and it’s good that it sounds like your are moving further in the right direction. I want to echo Invisible Mike, wear your “blacklisting” with pride, honour and all consuming gratitude and relief. Continued best wishes.
Rayne Emily Knight
March 7, 2011
Ultimately Jennifer, we are who we choose to be. We’re influened by outside forces for their own reasons, but they only show us the doors. We must walk through them. Our choices have consequences, and those consequences reflect our hearts – and shape our future.
You were wrong about one thing, though….people DO care and not just about what touches and affects us. I was your fan when you were in the industry and I’m pulling for you now. I geniunely want you to succeed in your rehab. I believe in you, Jennifer. You have tremendous strength, you’re smarter than you know and you have a tenacity that should be respected, if not feared by those that would oppose you.
Though we view life through a rear-view mirror, it’s often the farther away that the more we understand things. Time has a way of allowing us to see things clearly. My Military Sexual Trauma and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder happened to me 24 years ago, and I’m just now going through therapy for it. Only now is the anger, the feelings of shame, dishonor, betrayal and resentment coming to light.
Stay on the path you’re on, Jennifer – and know that there are those of us that care about you and what happens to you. Not because we want anything from you, but rather because we want something FOR you.
Happiness.
Rayne
Lisa
March 7, 2011
I bet some of the women you knew back then would still want to be friends if you met up with them in the street. Some wouldn’t but some would. They probably feel as though you rose above while they’re still pursuing their ways. I’m sure some of them are envious that you have so much going for you.
jason
March 7, 2011
Theres a few sites on the webs that have lists of porn stars who died tragically. I’ve seen a few of those sites, the lists are staggering. Theres no glory or victory in winding up on one of those lists. You’ve already beat the statistics by insuring you’ll never be on one of those lists. Being blacklisted means you chose life over death.
Kevin
March 7, 2011
For a long time, the adult industry and the people in it passed for what seemed like family at the time. So its reasonable to feel hurt by that kind of rejection. Being rejected blows. Even when you’re being rejected by people you don’t care to associate with anyways. Everyone wants to be loved. When this feeling passes, you can reassess the situation and find that your in a better place, and that you don’t really need the validation of your fellow associates anyways.
michael92105
March 7, 2011
It still is a hard thing at times to get my head around “we shall not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it”, but with time I have found that my experience can be of use to others. More importantly I would not be the same person I am today without my shadow following me. Who cares? God cares. He cared enough to bring you this far and will always be available to you when you seek him out. I am glad to read that you go back to the Center. Perhaps you can help others there struggling with the same things we all do.
Jimmy
March 7, 2011
Jennie:
I’ve spent the last 30 minutes or so reading and thinking about this post of yours before I started writing. What I’m hearing from you is you wanted to keep yourself open to at least the people in the industry, even if you yourself have internally blacklisted the industry as an industry entity (business). Having the door shut in one’s face, brings back feelings of rejection, worthlessness, and makes one want to change their actions and attitude to be accepted. It can be a useful tool for change in a person’s life (think of interventions). For you, though, you’re puzzled why it bothers you, since the industry is, in fact, a dangerous cancer and a dealer of low-self-esteem – for the performer and the viewer. Jennie, they are performing an intervention on you, and you failed the intervention. They only love you as long as you do what they tell you to do – to your and other’s detriment. Don’t think they won’t love you again if you beg them to take you back – they will, because they’re whores, it’s what they do. They’re just whores for money more than sex or principle. A beautiful publicity stunt for them – a reformed sex addict decides to continue on with a porn career.
The porn industry was a part of your life for a long time, and you still have an attachment to it, and so to hear that they have cut all ties with you, still hurts. Hopefully this helps shed some light on that for you. It’s ok you haven’t emailed me back, I don’t take it as a door shut in my face (any more). I know you’re busy with everything, and to be quite honest I don’t even remember what I said. It’s been a very bad couple months for me and my family. I’m not here, I don’t believe, because of how it affects myself – I am here for you, that is why I never left even though I wanted to.
Eric
March 7, 2011
And I wonder why I can’t get the stripper I fell in love with to connect emotionally. Why the more f\ocused her emotional patterns become for me the angrier she gets.
But maybe it’s self preservation. You had a supportive group around you to get to your fellings. Anyone still in adult entertainment would get cut to pieces if they cracked their defenses even a little. They may have blacklisted you but I bet they think about you when they’re alone with themselves and the demons start scratching at the windows. We all become a power of example. We only get to choose what that example will be.
John
March 7, 2011
Well said Miss Jennier…
Steve in T.O.
March 7, 2011
I’m going to borrow a line from Oprah…she said in all her years of interviewing people, from the very rich to the very poor there was a common denominator. We all wonder, “Do I matter?”. Is my voice heard? Am I seen?
Clearly in porn you didn’t matter. Only the money you earned did. But how could you have beeen cared about in a world where caring is forbidden?
It’s too bad you can’t frame that blacklisting and hang it on a wall…a trophy of sorts.
…and i got your back Jenn 😉
Brandon
March 7, 2011
I think one of the great shames is that a lot of the young people that find themselves in the industry and how it will effect them. Someone needs to stand up from an experienced point of view and talk out against it and help those who want help. There are so many of these “stars” that have children that will grow up seeing a parent in that industry and not understand how to value themselves. The industry requires so much more self abuse and for participants to be humiliated to take part in the “fame”. It’s what is twisted about our society. I don’t understand how people could be married or have a relationship and be in that industry. Your partner comes home from work and you know what they did that day or you can’t tell your kids about what you did at work b/c it will ruin their lives. It’s sad.
Stephster
March 7, 2011
You are one of the few reasons that I keep fighting. Thank you for being one of my heroes.
J D
March 7, 2011
It’s great to hear you are fighting and scratching to move forward. Keep it up, because there are lots of people out here that support you!
juaniglesias
March 7, 2011
Fascinating article.
Jennie, what do you think their motivation is for blacklisting you? On one hand, it would be very petty to be purely vindictive, and on the other hand, it seems unlikely that they fear an exodus from the industry if they allow you near (since you say the turnover rate is very high as it is).
In any case, it is to your credit that they can’t handle someone real being around them.
firstverb
March 7, 2011
Miss Jennifer,
I’m pretty sure you know why it was done to you, you became yourself. You excommunicated yourself they didn’t do it to you. You separated yourself from the business with which you were identified. You became more than. An for the last 23 months you have grown into a woman of substance, a woman of feelings, a woman that thinks about her actions and the consequences of those actions. You have become a woman with a future. And I’m defiantly sure that if you were to offer yourself up to those people that blacklisted you. They would accept you back with open arms, to use you once again. (Please don’t test this hypothesis.) I’m thinking this “blacklisting” is more to keep those in the business for being infected by your ideas. Your ideas are dangerous to them, they know it.
Having said this being blacklisted does have an affect on you. When I was blacklisted on twitter by someone which I truly enjoyed communicating with, it affected me. It was like they didn’t want me to exist anymore. And then to spread this blockage to others which I also enjoyed reading. It saddens me not being able to talk to these interesting people. I felt singled out an attacked. And the way twitter works I can’t even ask why? Yes, it affects me still.
Be happy dear lady those in your life which matter, the ones that love you for you. Your family and friends will not be banishing you from their lives. Have a happy wonderful life living each and being in each moment. I hope you and Mr Man have a fine week. Be healthy, safe, and happy.
Have glorious day.
E
March 7, 2011
Here is another poem I really enjoy that you might like as well
I sent you the “Dont Quit” poem a while back
Come and Find the Quiet Center
Come and find the quiet center in the crowded life we lead
Find the room for hope to enter
Find the frame where we are freed
Clear the chaos and the clutter
Clear our eyes that we can see all the things that really matter
Be at peace and simply be
Silence is a friend who claims us
Cools the heat and slows the pace
God it is who speaks and names us
Knows our being, touches base
Making space within our thinking
Lifting shades to show the sun
Raising courage when we’re shrinking
Finding scope for faith begun
In the spirit let us travel
Open to each other’s pain
Let our loves and fears unravel
Celebrate the space we gain
There’s a place for deepest dreaming
There’s a time for heart to care
In the Spirit’s lively scheming
There is always room to spare
enjoyyyy
-Liz
L.C.
March 7, 2011
Dear Jennie,
Thanks so much for writing more about recovery two years ago. It is sort of a relief for those of us who have followed you to learn that there was an underlying realization on your part to embrace rehab and not disrupt it to advance your adult acting career. That begins to answer one of my basic questions which was, what allowed you to embrace changing your life so whole heartedly and with scientific exactness?
I do not disagree with any of the finger pointing you do at the adult industry. But would suggest limiting your criticism to one specific industry is a very limited outlook on the servitude to which people daily subjugate them selves. I really see no difference between your baby steps of entry and the junior corporate executives being encouraged take on massive debt for exclusive housing and expensive Country Club Memberships in order to join a cult. Except the latter is a deliberate corporate strategy by Boards of Directors and CEOs to have junior executives “where they want them” indebted, beholden, willing to do anything asked because they have been so socially and financially compromised.
And yes you bet, if these junior executives bucked becoming part of the corporate cult these kids would be skipped over, pushed aside, ostracized and blacklisted, just because they resisted making prudent decisions that protected themselves and their families.
No one feels sorry for junior executives that make about the same money as well rounded porn stars. Perhaps there is some sympathy for high school graduates addicted porn stars making a thousand dollars a day blowing the cash up their noses or rat holing the money for an education. We see there very little support for the person waiting tables who at the end of the week does not have health insurance. Where was the caring for bums and destitutes that cleaned atomic waist on sub-sub-sub contracts so no authority could track their life exposure to radiation?
More power to you for realizing that most of us in our careers, our ambitions, who use are personal ingenuity are nothing more than “on our backs” road kill. The employer’s hope is when we walk off the job is someone more subservient and at a lower rate can replaces us. Does this sound like an industrial cult because to please the boss we sacrifice more and more to the detriment of ourselves while thinking we are advancing our selves and our careers? In economic terms I would feel cheated too as the name Penny Flame will continue to live in eternity but the credit to you for your effort monetarily and perhaps intrinsically is now metaphorically speaking road kill. Does one think the junior executive who allowed fraudulent loans and brought down the word economy feels real self-assured just now? Should we not be able to be at peace?
I hear a question in your post and that is; “Why do we get trapped in to thinking something is wrong for making a request so simple as, I want do this job for my personal well-being and to make the well-being of others better”?
This is why laws that promotes equality in the work place, hour and wage laws, healthy and safety laws, equality of income taxation, the Trust Busters of the last two centuries, and yes the right to form unions are the backbone of a modern productive and fair society. The social depredation people experience without this bull work is real, severe and debilitating to every individual and industry they serve. It does not matter whether a human being makes their living in front of a camera (clothed or unclothed) or as junior executives on their backs as supper whores in business suites for Fortune 500 companies. It is still one country club membership at a time until their freedom of expression becomes subservient to their debt load.
So what is the difference between an addicted porn star with a Mercedes and corporate executive with too much personal debt, both might feel robbed of making an honest living at an honest job. So I feel uncomfortable with your singling out the porn industry. Rest assured exploitation of people is not limited to the several thousand that make a living on their backs in porn. Get even: work to improve work place laws, consumer rights, equality based tax legislation and organize adult industry actors into unions whose collective barraging agreements grant rights to protect not only actors current well being but allow them to participate in the long term profits of their labor.
If you are going to be “blackballed” for simply taking care of yourself then consider organizing and contributing to a power greater than yourself – a union. There is an unending supply of porn stars just as there is an unending supply of junior executives. So ministering to the wounds of any industry as a physiologist may just be enabling those you seek to criticize, therefore organize unions within the institution not against it.
None of us should ever be asked to sacrifice our well-being for the profit of another. Good luck Kid, Life is a jungle, LC
PS Wonder if George Washington cracks a smile at you, as a man who organized a country so the tyranny of a king would not compromise careers, ambitions, personal ingenuity. As your post points out his work is still in progress.
Steve
March 13, 2011
“The employer’s hope is when we walk off the job is someone more subservient and at a lower rate can replaces us.”
No!
My company wants new hires fresh out of school, but with 20 years experience. Granted, we want someone subservient. But we still need experienced employees. Be real.
Cristian
March 7, 2011
Jennie, thank you for sharing your personal experiences. I usually read almost all of them and I find them very interesting. You made my day!
T. B.
March 7, 2011
Hi Jennie.
This is coming from someone who was absolutely blown away by “Penny Flame”. The first time I saw her, I went searching for anything with her name. When you lived through that person, you gave everything to that industry. I’m sure you’ve made money for yourself and many of them. I was a huge fan. I have to say your recovery has made me a huge fan of Jennie. The recovering Jennie. And as with any addiction or recovery thereof, comes the possibility of returning to that addiction. Blacklisting you from that industry is a blessing. My mom, was free from alcohol for about 16 years, only to return to the same thing. Only this time I understand why it has a grip on her, but I don’t have the cure, only she does. You have realized and taken advantage of your cure. I’m sure you’ve had bad days that made you want to return. With addictions, all it takes is a bad day and you can be “unsober” again. So, I have no advise, only that you continue love those who love you and pray for those who don’t. Your story and strength with help one of your friends in the industry as well. As weird as it sounds, the friends you left back in the industry need you more that you need them. Stay healthy Jennie, stay sweet and stay blacklisted. Those that are following you are with you all the way.
Your Fan, T.B.
stewart
March 7, 2011
I have to agree, wear your blacklisting as a badge of honour. It says more about them and their hypocracy (I assume they still sell your old material) than it does about you. There are more people who care about you than you know so keep on keeping on. You go girl!.
Hoosier
March 7, 2011
Couldn’t have been better said. Hopefully, Charlie Sheen and both his goddesses will find their own ways to treatment before something even worse ensues….
Will
March 7, 2011
I think you are on the precipice of something really powerful. Something that could legitimately alter many people’s beliefs and perceptions regarding the adult film industry. You touch on something really profound when you talk about the non-existent relevance of “feelings” in the business. That concept is a ghost of the porn cult, a disease that shatters the illusion that sex can be sold without any emotional ramifications. To convolute this further, there has been too much reactionary propaganda (from religious groups, etc) that has falsely painted the great porn debate as an archaic “pro” or “anti” argument. What are you are touching on, and doing so as a defected inside source nonetheless, is the disassemble-it-yourself Gordian knot of issues that exist in between; issues far too voluminous to fit on protest signs or DVD covers. There doesn’t have to be an answer or solution, it just has to be discussed, and you are doing an excellent job of that whether it is for your own personal growth, or for the benefit of others.
anonymous coward
March 7, 2011
“porn stars should not be riddled with ugly little things like feelings. ”
reading this article was like having weight lifted off my chest.
Jeff1photo
March 7, 2011
Maybe your feelings about being “Blacklisted” are a personal realization, that to most of your old industry you were just a commodity. You said it yourself once “Subject Matter”! You made people money, and while you did that, they liked you. It’s like finding out an old lover thought you were crap in bed. A bit of a shock! You don’t care anymore, but in a way, you do!. (That’s never happened by the way… ha!)
To be honest, does it really matter? It’s an episode in your life which is now closed. It doesn’t matter how many people like you, what is important, is that you can look in the mirror and like yourself, and say “I did the right thing, for the right reasons”!
We all make mistakes in life, and it’s not so much being honest with other people, it’s about being honest with yourself. You are actually the only person in the World who you cannot lie too.
If I ever had a “gift” in this life, I think it’s insight. I can look at a situation, or something someone has done, and realize why it was done or why an event happened. What I haven’t got, is the gift of “seeing things coming”.
Non of us can alter the past, all we can do is shape the future. What happened today cannot be altered, so it’s pointless looking back. You just go into tomorrow, a little wiser.
Shannon
March 7, 2011
Jennie, You are awesome. I have followed you since Celebrity Sex Rehab and I am so glad that you are doing so well and building such a fantastic life for yourself. I too am in recovery, I have a little over two years and so relate to your posts. One word that keeps coming to my mind is acceptance.
Julie
March 8, 2011
I suppose you’re right, that perhaps all we care about is how it all affects us. I’m sure a big part of the reason I was so moved watching you and the others on Sex Rehab is because so much of what you were feeling, brought up a whole lot of memories of my feelings when I left a life of abuse and prostitution some 30 yrs ago. But I also know, that watching you and the others go through that experience, I remember how much compassion I felt for you, and how much I was rooting for each one of you to see how precious and beautiful you all were, and how much I truly wanted you to finally see it too. Most people that have any heart at all, can’t help but root for any soul that dares to yearn for a life lived with truth, honesty, and integrity. Of course, in the day to day, I care the most about that small circle of people closest to me, but because you were willing to be open with your struggle, I now can’t help but wish you the very happiest of lives in your little circle. Peace.
Mark
March 8, 2011
Dear Jennie,
I’ve pondered writing for several days now and in the interim many have written with strong and sincere words of support. I have to concur with all those who have ventured to explain why you were blacklisted. It all comes down to money. Penny Flame was a revenue generator, Jennie Ketcham is bad for the porn business. I recall a post from Duncan quite some time ago in which he emphasized the fact that actors have little value aside from their box office draw. Hummmmm! Don’t have to think very long on that one.
So why does being blacklisted make you sad? I’ll venture a guess and say its because you haven’t gotten closure on that chapter of your life quite the way you planned it. Be patient, it will happen.
Well over a year ago Duncan Roy wrote about you what I think may be the most loving and adoring words I have ever read about anyone. You have not mentioned him in your writings in quite some time so I hope there is still a relationship. Regardless, his words are truly inspirational. I hope you revisit them from time to time and can take some comfort in them..
“What was it about her that I loved so much? Well, for a start, she is hungry for life, for education and for new ways of thinking. She devoured ideas and suggestions, she listened when I mooted Film School and I still believe that if she plays her cards right there is nothing that she couldn’t do”.
“Jennie has the correct balance of ambition and talent and the show opened a door into her hidden soul .There are still dark forces determined to unsettle her, unseat her ambition, and refuse to let Penny Flame forget where she has come from.”
” I want her success to fit her like a loose garment. I want everyone to be as amazed as I that a woman with so much talent could have buried herself so deeply in the sordid world of pornography. It amazes me that she touched the lives of so many men as a porn actress even if these broken men wanted to fix her with cheap, meaningless promises. I have not and will not see her in her porn incarnation, I met Penny Flame briefly but do not want to meet her ever again. I am privileged to know Jenny Ketcham. ”
Bravo, take a bow, You are a “Winner”
Erik
March 9, 2011
god, what an utterly beautiful and moving post. you give me hope, that ONE day I might be able to look beyond the wall. I know there’s someone there, there has to be in order for us all to have survived….I only hope that when I do make that journey it will be with something approaching the grace and integrity that you show.
Pete Schult
March 9, 2011
Great post. I’ve never been blacklisted from anything, but I’ve had a couple times where I was fired from a job or kicked out of school. In those cases, I was already in a space thinking about quitting, but it still felt painful to have them reject me.
Keep up the good work.
jd
March 9, 2011
Jeen,
Fact #1: You blooged about asking for back pay at your last Adult Gig and how it Symbollicy mean’t that you would never be able to enter Adult again.
Fact #2: Your forgetting that you were talking to an addict who is probally deep down inside too scared to quit, and using the “Blacklisting” as a way to justify quitting rehab in order for her to keep using drugs.
Fact # 3: Remember, your still a subject in the Adult insder sewing circle, and people who didn’t even meet , know, or perform with you while you were are circulating stories about “Blacklisting or what ever and by the time the information turns around, the storie has changed from its original telling several times before it’s regurgated back to you or another performer.
Opinion #1 I think porn girls are allowed to show feelings, but only to the need of the director at that time,
as from my observations is that once a production company finds that empty niche of feelings a pornstar needs to have, a marrige of convience forms as both parties work together to fill there empty niches, until they both become tired of the arrangment and move on.
An example of this would be how Penny blogged “About how she looked foward to flying in to SF, in order to beat boys” it seemed very theraputic afterward. As for watching it there seemed to genuine emtional releass on Penny part while she got to torture a poor hooded slaveboy on cam, no matter how impared she may have been,
Thats just my observations…
Dnonymous
March 10, 2011
Thank you for your posts and opening up to us.
Don Houston
March 11, 2011
I have long found much to like about Jennie/Penny and her writings are no different. I would like to point out that any claims about blacklisting are false since there are probably dozens of directors that would shoot scenes with her at any given time and companies that would pay a premium. That doesn’t mean she should accept the work, it clearly impacted her deeper than she ever confided in me, but for all the bravado, lending credibility to a single source that she is somehow an untouchable due to her experiences since leaving the industry just perpetuates the lie.
If it gives Jennie comfort to think that door is closed from the other side, so be it, but truthfully speaking, she’d be picked up in a heartbeat if she choose to work in adult again. There are all sorts of people in porn that would have been better off waitressing, working a cash register, or other generic job they had the skill level for when the call of easy cash came knocking. There are many who arguably are as good as many “mainstream” actors, directors, and the like too; the bottom line is that people can usually find a way to be what they want to be when they don’t sell out their dreams for the quick buck, the quick fix, or the easy path to apparent success. I like to think Jennie took a lengthy side road and upon finding it accommodated her baser needs a bit too easy, she dusted herself off to try her hand at real success. If her first experiences of blogging on Xcritic helped her see how she could inspire others in ways other than sexually, I’ll count that as a success for having helped her just a little. 🙂
Eric H.
March 12, 2011
Jennie you were/are very good in front of the camera, but you’re far more talented behind a keyboard. Hats off to a superbly written post.
I said it here before but it bears repeating; evidence of your writing talent goes back to your myhotmess days when you were blogging while still in the throes of addiction and the industry. You certainly have honed your skills since then with this website, continued education, and articles.
As modern society encourages us to be readily able to “identify” ourselves when asked by a random stranger your answer should be “I’m a writer”.
You always have been.
Blank Xavier
March 13, 2011
I may be completely wrong, but I suspect that there may be within you a very deep, very strong need for love, and if that is present, what it may tend to do is cause you see the world in a way where everything and everyone, at some level, to some extent, is assessed in terms of how much they love you or could love you. If this is so, it may be why upon leaving the industry the realisation that it actually didn’t matter – not in a hostile way, which is another form of attention and so partially (but horribly) satisfies a need for love, but in a totally neutral way, that it simply *didn’t affect things* – to anyone was profound; because such a way of seeing the world would be so different to how your inner feelings shape your view of things.
And as you say, it is in fact something of a relief, because assessing everything in terms of love is in the end exhausting.
Greg
March 16, 2011
Hi Jennie,
Interesting post by a psychology/sociology major, I would have thought that you would have taken a more objective look at the phrase or meaning of being “blacklisted.” Within any sociological organization when there is someone strong enough to stand up for change, the remaining members will sometimes tend to herd together for comfort. I always likened it to how cow elephants that will circle around their babies to keep predators from getting to them. For instance, how many in the industry do you suspect are having doubts about their value to the industry at any given time? How many in the industry want a better life? How many in the industry male or female are kind, sweet gentle people that are addicted to drugs and long for a life similar to what you have carved out?
And, what if those few felt brave enough to approach you and ask you, how is life out side the porn industry? You damn right you are blacklisted, you are a threat to the very existence of what it stands for.
Just as often times married men that have lots of single unmarried friends find themselves having to make a choice. Be a husband or live the lifestyle of an unmarried male and ultimately face divorce.
Ever notice that generally it’s couples that got our together to eat or socialize. It’s all sociological. But the bottom line is you represent a threat to the business by showing good people that they are not lost and that they have worth and value. Hell…I say that Jennie Ketchum should blacklist every sombitch in the porn industry. Only make yourself available to those that seek counsel or a safe haven.
Do you even begin to realize the # of hard core Jennie Ketchum fans that are in the world? How many safe houses could you find in one post? How many free therapist could you find in one post? OOhhhh, you scare the hell out of the porn industry because you are living a real life as a real person and you can feel sad, happy, pain and love. It’s no longer hidden behind excuses, alcohol or drugs.
Some day, you will realize the power of Jennie’s Army and you will realize that a host of people are not only supporting you, love you and admire you but are willing to step forward and offer what they can. It may only be a safe haven, but for a scared 20 something kid, being safe, guarded and protected means a lot. And for the industry that’s a scary thought that you have that kind of following.
You now have thousands that follow Jennie for Jennie….none of us care what kind of list you are on. I find that very interesting. Society once again trumps the industries blacklist because the industry fears you so much that it’s easier to tell an 18 to 25 year old kid, “She’s been blacklisted and it wouldn’t be good for your career ti be seen talking to her.”( I still have issues with that term also, “career.”) Rather than allow that young person the opportunity to ask, “So how is it outside the industry?”
Much love to you kiddo
The old man
Greg
jacq jones
March 19, 2011
Hi Jennie –
I’m a part of the adult industry. I own a sex positive, feminist store that carries very, very little porn. Please know that there are some in this industry that have, and continue to support you in your decision to leave. Every person deserves to be healthy and to be true to themselves. For some of us this work is about supporting people in their journey’s and their healthy, consensual, sober decisions. Although this part of the industry may be small, we’re here.
As a loyal reader of your blog, I have a deep respect for you and the courage you have exhibited in your journey. Your experience, strength and hope are extremely valuable. Your commitment to sharing your journey is changing lives. It’s clear the industry was destructive for you (as the mainstream porn industry is for so many). It’s a job can be done in health by very few. You deserve only praise and support for your courage. Taking care of one’s self can be hard as hell. Especially when you are surrounded by people who don’t want to hear that their activities are enabling your disease.
Based on the tenor of your post, I’m guessing that you’d prefer that people not buy porn that features Penny. I’ve been listening to see if your journey would take you there. Previously, you’ve said that you were comfortable with people continuing to view Penny’s work, as long as it was done in a way that was healthy. Because of that, I’ve continued to carry two titles which feature Penny. I’m pulling them today. They’re going in the dumpster. If I’m wrong please let me know. At the end of the day, it’s about consent and respecting your choices.
You’re an amazing woman. Thank you for sharing your light. And keep taking care of you. You deserve it.
Jacq
Nicole
March 20, 2011
Jennie,
I get what you doing and all, and it sounds good. But my boyfriend says that your still in the business and releasing new stuff even this month. So my question is: Do those porn people still have rights to release your image in new movies, and those are old scenes? Its confusing to be inspired by this site and yet be told that I’m just being tricked.
becomingjennie
March 21, 2011
You are being tricked. I shot enough content before I left the business that movies can be released of me for years to come. Penny Flame will never get a day older than 26.
The last scene I shot was for Triangle films with Sunny Lane. It was right before I went into rehab. in 2009.
I would never go back to that place. Tell you boyfriend to check out the 2257’s on file for the films, and he can see the date they were signed. Also, tell him not to be so easily fooled by the boldfaced liar that is pornography…
XPTer
March 20, 2011
All I can say Jennie is you are smart never to go anywhere near the industry again. A recent object lesson on the board in my “name”. Gia Jordan, whom you know, disappears off of XPT for a month, When asked, Jeff Steward announces “she’s back on the drugs”. No compassion, no assistance to a former independant contractor, its just a reality of porn valley. PW are supposed to show loyalty to producers, not vice versa, before being disgarded after they no longer have a cash value. Perhaps I am being unfair to Jeff, perhaps he is helping her behind the scenes but I doubt it, given the tone of his announcement.
I can’t imagine a more unforgiving environment.
L.C,
March 21, 2011
Dear Jennie
I have been rather struck by your absents from your own blog and the nature of the revamped blog format. What I am guessing is there now much more concentration on suffering, regret, looking backwards. In the past it was much more forward looking. It seems like you are loosing connection to others and moving away from connection with your readers. I find this perceived change sad as I have read your blogs for almost two years and always found the post-rehab stories while sometimes troubled to be positive, exploring the possibilities of connections with others and always looking forward to a better tomorrow.
So it is our need for the well-being of others that lets us as readers connect. We really don’t care who or what you may blame or feel, but we have a need to understand what you may be needing to fulfill our need to learn and understand.
In this context I am most grateful to your readers who keep reminding us by their inspiration in you of the trials and tribulations of recovering addicts. That is every day and one day at a time. Reading between the lines sobriety is incremental, constant, fragile and cherished. It is something the rest of us have a hard time understanding and easily forget.
I was just wondering if it is connection, support, safety in relationships rather than seemly dwelling on those things that might have been missing when you were in pain in the past. Maybe to dwell on that that now is induce suffering. Suffering may be more intense because it is enduring while pain is thought to be temporary. The tags in your blogs now go back to things like breaking security bonds with boy-friends, “I’m Riding this Emotionless Train As Far As It Will Go.” The Wikipedia post does not begin on the most cheerful note. Harkening back is likely inducing suffering to which there is no escape.
So what I was wondering about feeling (feelings are so illusive) if it may be more beneficial to concentrate on what are you needing? Is it support, stability, empathy, connection, or appreciation, order, discovery learning, to be understood to understand? It seems so much two years of your writing was about connecting, learning and spring boarding to things that were joyful, credits you had earned, discoveries you had made. Like going from being down on a professor to counting her now as someone you could talk to. Last year your birthday was a celebration this year not mentioned.
Jennie those of us who have read you have a great application for the grand caring and loving person you have always been in spite of the walls and additions. I have a request. Think of something, which you may regret, perhaps suffer from, or be ashamed of. And today turn that shame around by seeing there was some action taken that met a need for joy or security as well. We strive to get our needs met sometime our strategies for joy and support are rewarding sometimes not. But the needs are universal and don’t change either met or unmet only our relations change when we understand our needs.
Hay Kid, reach for connections with others. And remember most of the time people don’t see or understand your bids for connection. Just as a heartless as it may seem you miss it almost all of other peoples attempts to reach for you. That is true even in the most closely bonded relationships.
So forget demonizing your self, letting feelings intoxicate you, blaming an industry, just remember life is about connection, creating secure bonds and despite your recollections you are just as normal as the rest of us in wanting and missing ways to connect to be secure. Life is about learning we never get to perfection. Good luck kid, LC
Cameron Berg
March 27, 2011
One of the best pieces od advice I got in my journey through rehab was “What other people think about me is none of my business”. It often gets me through the day
Stanley
March 28, 2011
It’s such pragmatist’s epiphany you’ve had! I bet you’d love William James’ work. (He also pretty funny when he talks shit about other philosophers of the day.)
I’m glad to hear you’re still doing well.
Jen
April 19, 2011
you are amazing.
Ronbo
May 14, 2011
It hurts when a social circle kicks you out, but not so much when you realize the kick is propelling you in the right direction.
sogetthis99
September 19, 2011
This is not feedback on your post. I just wanted to say that I just got through watching the Sex Rehab and Sober House series’ for the first time a couple weeks ago. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I did not expect to be moved or affected in any way. I expected to be entertained, perhaps titillated a little bit, but not “impacted”. The phrase “broken person” hit me like a freight train. It brought back thoughts and feelings to the surface that I thought were buried a couple decades ago when I felt I was completely broken as a person (for entirely different reasons than addiction) and that my personality had completely disappeared. If it wasn’t actually me I would have a hard time believing that someone could walk around and function in any way with such low self esteem.
I recovered, or at least ‘am recovering’, with a family and children and am glad to be alive.
sogetthis99
October 24, 2011
“Broken person” hit me like a ton of bricks and instantaneously (for lack of a better word) hurt my feelings in a BIG way. I’ve always thought of my lowest point when I was 24-25 (and the following 5 years or so) as the time I “fell apart” ….but “broken person” hit me the same way and immediately brought back psychic pain, or at least the intense memory of psychic pain. After a few days I got worried that I might be sliding downhill just from hearing and seeing the brokeness of those people in Rehab, and this “broken person” in particular. For a couple weeks I was humming to myself. The song that ran continuously through my head was “Angel” by Sarah Mclachlan. Not a happy song.
It took me a couple weeks to conclude that feeling “broken” was much different than actually “being” broken. I concluded that to actually “be” broken I would have to stop taking medication, focus a few months on practicing the worst kind of de-affirmations, isolate myself for an extended period of time…until I was to the point where laughter and enthusiasm in others would be a giant threat and would continuously hurt my feelings as if a huge poster (or billboard) was being driven around shoving in my face something I could never be part of, and could never have.
I got through that couple weeks (just recently). I was very surprised at how close to the surface feeling broken (“fell apart”) really was.