I am currently in the middle of the last class I need to be get into UCLA, if they are to accept me – I find out some time in April. The final class that I’m taking is a Biology class, and even though I’d already finished my life science units at San Diego State University, the class I took there had no lab attached so here I am again, nearly ten years later, taking this silly Bio class. It feels like the first time though, and it’s giving me some biological, physiological and existential anxiety. But probably not for the same reasons it did the first time around.
Control issues arise when you learn about cell division, mitosis and meiosis occurring without the consent of this adult, this adult now becoming well informed and learning to accept what it is to not be able to stop the world from turning. Regardless of the steps I’ve worked, the program I’ve participated in, the life I am now leading, it still gives me a massive amount of anxiety to learn about all the things that can go wrong on any given day at any of the varying microscopic levels. And as much as I tell myself these are things I should not be concerned with, still, for some reason, they concern me. The concern runs deep.
Cell Division. Viruses that can cause infections. Plasma Membranes that barely separate things that are living from that which is not. Life, smaller than I can conceptualize, and much larger than I can believe.
It’s been a difficult few weeks, in fact, it’s been a difficult few months. This semester back in school is not like the fall semester. That’s not to say it is more difficult, it’s just to say that now, halfway finished writing my memoir and devoting the majority of my off-time to exploring the past, things I can and can’t emotionally connect to have a way of creeping into the class schedule and making the learning experience that much more difficult, that much more meaningful, that much more scary. I can not intellectualize my studies while being emotionally available to the writing process. I think this is progress, but for an academic perfectionist, which it seems I am becoming, it is also incredibly frustrating. For example…
At eighteen, when I had Biology for the first time and learned about diseases, I had never had gonorrhea or chlamydia. In learning about these sexually transmitted diseases now, not to mention much scarier diseases, I look back on my past career choices, namely that as a porn performer, it is generally accepted that you will get at least these two diseases more than once a year (and that when you did get these diseases, it was like a snow day where you didn’t have to go to work) and it is not a big deal. Disease is a huge fucking deal! How desensitized must a performer be to say, “oh sweet, it’s only chlamydia, at least I don’t have to work for (fill in the blank here).” I spent half an hour telling Reef how I’ve started to worry about the future and the past on such a microscopic level, I’m not sure if I’m losing my mind or just being confronted with the reality of my prior dissonance. And am I connecting to this simple Bio class because the content of the memoir is making me emotionally uncomfortable and I’m trying to move away from feeling it and into “understanding” it? Am I focusing on the infinitesimal problems so I don’t have to think of the earth shattering ones? Another friend dead, in roughly six months…
Must I grieve every single friend I’ve lost every single time a new friend dies? How many people will I know and care for that die before I go quietly into that dark night as well?
There are always other issues than the one at hand. As much as I’d like to blame my current state of anxious, verging depression on mitosis and meiosis, I also know I could shirk the anxious, verging depression by jumping headfirst into the learning process. I seem to be firmly invested in the theory of discontinuous development, the stage theory where I can only learn one thing at a time, am fully in a stage before I move to the next. The last stage was a reintroduction to the academic world and a life of intellectual curiosity, and this stage is the blending of all things academic and emotional, a feat I’m not sure I can handle. Reef said this is why we, as a society, put our kids through college so young. Because some of the things we learn as adults have such greater implications than they did as teens or super young adults. This is why we get this shit done with before we understand what it all really means. We learn about the problems before we can become infected with the terrifying virsuses we ultimately will contract.
Some of this shit just blows my mind.
I apologize for not updating as often as I should. I am on a “chapter a week” schedule until June first (it’s like twenty pages a week), and if you add the full school load to that, the moments that I do have, I can’t help but enjoy shutting the whole brain thing down for some good old fashioned, “Man V. Food.” And I’m also sorry if this post kind of freaks you out.
Helios Protection
March 21, 2011
Surprised by the last line of your post. I’m assuming most of your readers are on the spiritual path.
Religious people believe in hell. Spiritual people have seen and lived hell.
Regardless, breathe and know that you are loved.
Invisible Mikey
March 21, 2011
LOL, it doesn’t freak me out at all. The first time I took a class in aseptic techniques at Medical Assisting school and learned how germ-infested the entire world is, I didn’t want to put my hands on ANYTHING for a week.
You’ll adjust. I can see you have already intuited that re-sensitization requires a period of tuning. You used to be insensitive (or pretended to be). Now you are sometimes over-sensitive. As you continue to properly earn and maintain perspective, you’ll get closer to the right balance between concern, compassion and your ability to take correct actions based on them.
graceofalltrades
March 21, 2011
I had a really similar reaction when I first got into neuropsych, looking at how alcohol and drugs effect the brain at a microscopic level. People look at getting high or drunk as just a temporary “psychological” change, but looking at how much it really does alter brain function/chemistry and how fickle the human body really is, and how easily that could cause a major, permanent problem…. that’s scary stuff.
Jim
March 21, 2011
It almost sounds similar to “Psych 101-itis” that leaves students sure that both they and most of their family are mentally ill or seriously neurotic after taking Psych 101, with the added twist of your age and past career thrown in, not to mention a heightened awareness of mortality. The mechanics of life seem so fragile as we examine them on the micro level, and on top of that consider all the unstable change going on in the world right now; the Middle-East and revolutions, Japan, attacks on Libya, things are crazy right now. A fertile time for anxiety for everyone…
Plus, maybe the “high” of the newness of school is gone, leaving just the chore of the work? Sorry, just guessing. Plus, dredging up tough memories at the same time, sounds like a pretty daunting set of challenges going on. Is this one of those times in life when you’ll think look back on and think, “Well, of course I was stressed, look at all the shit I was trying to do…”?
And please don’t worry about posting, first things first, your writing has to be an enormous challenge. Take care of yourself, and if you haven’t plugged into a support network lately and there’s one available, maybe it’s time? 🙂
Paul
March 21, 2011
You have great insight and you see very clearly. At the same time, your journey into your past has caused you great pain. So keep your mind on your goal and stay strong.
Scott Kane
March 21, 2011
Hi Jennie,
I can both sympathize and empathize with you and your biology class. My newfound passion in life is getting people healthier through natural nutrition. When you see what real, honest nutrition can do for the living body, from the sub-cellular level on up, it is just as mind-blowing as learning what diseases do, albeit in a much more positive light. I get such joy and feel such gratitude when my clients come back to me and thank me for helping them literally “feel better” while accomplishing their body goals, whether they are to lose weight, build muscle, or just have more energy to get through their day. It’s all doable through nutrition – and nutrition is the very basis for our biology!
Keep up the great work! Don’t fret about how often you update the blog and how often you don’t. It is a tool to help you, and in the process, hopefully, to help others. That’s what my blog is for as well. Those of us who follow you are just glad to hear that you are still putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward with your life. You’ve been an inspiration to me and countless others, I’m sure.
By being emotionally open through the learning process, I predict you will retain much more of what you learn than if you just “intellectualized” it. It will serve you well in the future, I have no doubt.
In Health! Namaste!
Scott
Astrolabe Wellness
Tony V
March 21, 2011
Interesting question you pose: “Must I grieve every single friend I’ve lost every single time a new friend dies? ” Unfortunately, that is often the case especially when they are friends who have departed before their time and perhaps under common circumstances. I don’t know why that is. Perhaps it’s a way that your subconscious reminds you that you have grieved before and will get through it.
Do not apologize about your posting schedule — you are taking time out of your life to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences with us. We understand that and don’t take you for granted.
Regards.
Thomas Conn
March 21, 2011
The ability to, as you put it, blend the academic and emotional is a difficult process. I write critically and creatively, so most of my fiction deals with heavily emotional themes; however, I always have that critical eye on life, that objective, limited-omniscient viewpoint constantly critiquing everything. Where have these two opposing forces taken me? To an insomniac place built from anxiety and high-blood pressure. We are humans and emotions always creep into every societal facet; therefore, taking a step backward, breathing deeply in reflection, may help relieve that anxiety, make that impossible mountain a little easier to climb. Your strength is hopeful because you’ve conquered so much, but this never-ending process called life forces us to keep climbing. I believe you will conquer your anxiety over blending emotions and academia. You are an inspiration. You frequently say you find things hard to overcome, yet as time passes you make progress. That is why I have faith in you, because no matter how difficult life seems to you, you keep progressing, keep struggling, never giving up. You inspire me, showing me I can feel overwhelmed but I better not throw in the towel.
Filipe Elias
March 21, 2011
Hello. I´ve been following your blog for a couple of months now but this is the first time I felt like leaving a coment. I´m from Brazil, ad i´m not really sure how I got to know this blog, but I´m glad i did,
It´s been great reading every once in a while about your new life experiences. It´s pretty cool this is not a space to exploit your previous life and carrer, but instead a place where we can a real person, very much like ourselves, trying to find herself, trying to be a better human been and, therefore, making the world a better place, even if it´s on a small scale.
I wish you all the luck in the world, sincerely. I hope you keep looking for your inner peace. I hope you find it, and i´m sure you will.
Jonathan
March 21, 2011
Jennie, you said: “The last stage was a reintroduction to the academic world and a life of intellectual curiosity, and this stage is the blending of all things academic and emotional, a feat I’m not sure I can handle.”
Um, when you get that one down let us all in on the secret. Your book will outsell the bible if you can manage that one and tell the rest of us how to do it. Instead of trying to “handle” all of this and worrying that you might not, just dive into the struggle that we’re all in together. Control is an illusion, I’m just hoping for survival. This writing while being a student is a blessing and a curse. It’s mind-bending, but it also provides you with an escape from either reality. You have put enough pressure on yourself just by setting out to do this. Don’t add the pressure of “handling” it all, as well. Handling is for another day. Just do. (I sound like Mr.Miyagi… or a shoe ad.)
Hoosier
March 21, 2011
It certainly sounds like you’re coping with a lot (I only had to take something nicknamed “Biology For Poets” when I was a undergraduate). Yet, you’re not giving up in the face of any these pressures or trying to escape from them, as you may have been tempted to do in the past. Congratulations! Continued best wishes and please continue to keep up posted. You write so well, I can hardly wait to read your (first) book!
Steve in Toronto
March 21, 2011
You’re trying to write two chapters a week and manage your school work? At the same time? My dear, please if at all possible, pick one. I understand if you have contractual deadlines on both fronts but you need some time to just play. Play time is key to not having your head explode.
All work and no play makes Jennie something, something, (to paraphrase Homer)
Man v Food …love it!
Amethi
March 21, 2011
I have bad news and good news. Here’s the bad news, your concerns are legitimate. Nobody can argue with you that if you expect to live forever and never be parted with friends and loved ones you are wishing for the impossible. The world is harsh. Especially a capitalistic country like the USA where the rich grow richer off the backs of the poor and ignorant who they exploit. Moreover, even your own health isn’t guaranteed. A piano can fall on you. You could come down with a new disease that doctors don’t know how to diagnose and cure.
Though these things are no doubt terrifying, after all who really wants to consider their own fallibility? In the larger picture all of them serve a purpose. Without illness would we value health and take the trouble to be healthy? Probably not. Human DNA is filled with the remnants of uncounted numbers of virus strands that once infected it and caused mutations which plagued your ancestors but perhaps occasionally introducing beneficial mutations without which the human race might lack key survival traits.
The good news is that there is a solution. Perhaps the oldest question that the human race has been concerned with, does individual life have purpose beyond our short lifespans? Paradoxically the answer if found in the most recent science-quantum physics which proves that despite the illusion, consciousness is nonlocalized and breaths life to matter and not vice versa. So rather than fall into the trap of being fearful of the myriad of ways that your life will eventually change, look outside the box and try to understand that your consciousness is not a product of your brain’s physiology and will continue after you die as you evolve through different lessons to gain wisdom as a soul.
This is not an easy realization to make. It has taken me a lifetime of critical study to reach this understanding so I don’t expect you to grasp it overnight, and I caution you not to accept anything without testing it to be sure it is real. Still, I feel a duty to lead you on the path to understanding should you wish to grasp the deeper underlying meaning of life and set your mind at ease.
Some resources that would be worthwhile to read:
The Self-Aware Universe by Amit Goswami Ph.D.
My Life After Dying by George Ritchie MD
Journey of Souls by Michael Newton PhD
http://www.near-death.com
You are that! Vol 2 Satsang with Gangaji
pragmatic realist
March 21, 2011
I think that if you can write these things you have written, you have tremendous intelligence and insight. The issue is going through these things mindfully and consciously, which you seem to be doing for the most part. Your feelings will not kill you as long as your are conscious of them and able to control what you do in response to them.
You are beautiful and great and I am proud to know you.
Eric
March 21, 2011
I eventually got it that death is a part of life. I’m in NA and I’ve seen too many die. AIDS, HepC, no more liver, or just an OD. And too f***in young. And then the sight of a dog in Japan guarding his friend in the wreckage, terror obvious in his face make me cry uncontrollably. I’m constantly gifted with flashes of insight into this endless barrage of life. Any thought of actually controlling anything left me years ago. I can only thank God for God.
I fell in love with Penny the first time I saw her in a picture sitting on the edge of a nighttime swimming pool. It may have just been projection but I could sense a rich tapestry of spirit and thought behind those beautiful “old soul” eyes. So either it was just a coincidence or I really did see into you. Because in your pursuit of life in recovery you’ve revealed a rich tapestry of spirit and thought. And your eyes are still beautiful. The eyes of Jennie Ketcham.
If you can pull it off just try to remember to laugh at yourself for the neurotic addict that you are. If thats too tough right now just laugh at me. Really with me, because I’m stubbornly insisting on enjoying life in spite of myself. Don’t sweat your fear of microbes. We’ve been dealing with it since the days we thought their diseases were the work of witches and demons. If it helps just picture Arnold Swartzenegger towering over a 5 year old, head in hands, screaming “It’s not a tumor!”
Hillary
March 21, 2011
Keep up the good workxx
stewart
March 21, 2011
Don’t worry about blogging less than usual, and dont worry about becoming “Re-sensitised”. it will balance out into something resembling normal if you just relax and let it. Your previous life depended on the state of denial that the whole industry you were in relies on to survive. Of course you would rather believe that the clap was just like a snow day. just an occupational hazard. If you stopped then to think of the reality of the situation, how long do you think you would have stayed in the industry? That’s a pretty big thing to get your head around so its not surprising that its kinda freaking you out a bit as you come to terms with it. Just dont worry about it and be glad its behind you and settle down and allow your feelings to “normalise”. Alos good luck with the UCLA thing I think you would do great there so I hope you make it. Take care and keep on keeping on! XX
firstverb
March 21, 2011
DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Aaron Russo’s masterpiece
Freedom to Fascism
Dylan Thomas
firstverb
March 21, 2011
Peter
March 21, 2011
J –
If one were to cower in the wake of the seemingly insurmountable challenges that could befall said person, there’d be no ambition to amble out of bed each morning – this is what life is, the clichéd (yet true) peaks and valleys. The false sense of invincibility engendered w/ youth, but eroded w/ age is just that – an illusion; but herein lies the dilemma: do you forsake what wonderment life can unveil by hiding under the covers or do you proceed (albeit consciously and alertly) into the unknown w/ your wits about you? ‘Cause the control one supposedly possesses may not be far more intransigent than one may think.
Huxley: you pays your money and you takes your choice…
Peter
March 21, 2011
Correction –
‘Cause the control one supposedly possesses may not be far more intransigent than one may think. ->
‘Cause the control one supposedly possesses may be far LESS instransigent than one may think.
Mea culpa…
kevin
March 22, 2011
It sounds as though your becoming flooded by, well, everything. The big picture is becoming to daunting. Allowing yourself to focus on what’s in front of you doesn’t cut you off from your emotions, it just allows you to be present to the task at hand. There’s nothing wrong in that, your not denying your emotions in doing so, you’d just be compartmentalizing the different facets of your life. That’s how the rest of us do it. Or at least try to live. I know easier said than done. Its an ideal. But that’s how we perpetuate our agenda. We create a series of smaller goals, to reach a much bigger one. To stand back and look at the situation as a whole would just be to overwhelming.
Don’t apologize for what you have to say here, everyone here knows the content can get a little raw. We aren’t here for the shock value, or for morbid anticipation of a train wreck. We’re here to listen, and because we care.
davy
March 22, 2011
Just in case this question comes up on a test; neither is caused by a virus.
Gonorrhea is caused by the Neisseria gonorrhoeae bacteria.
Chlamydia is caused by the Chlamydia trachomati bacteria.
michael92105
March 22, 2011
Dear Jenny: You really have a way with words and it is very enjoyable to come by and visit your site here. I would like to encourage you to believe that God is always there to protect and care for you. As step three points out in turning our will and lives over to the CARE of God as we understand him. Fear is to be feared as it drives us away from believing in being cared for no matter what material circumstances befall us. Stay in today, be grateful for your health today and stay close.
I went to SDSU for my junior yr. as an exchange student from UNH. I loved the climate there. Sorry to hear about Mike’s passing…we have a gift that we have to honor and protect through our constant work at staying close.
Take care,
Michael
David
March 22, 2011
Thanks for posting. I always enjoy your topics. My birthday is in April of 2009 too. It is interesting for me to compare my journey to yours since we both started on this new life at roughly the same time.
Getting to know myself again is a really strange experience. I always feel like I lost myself for 10 years. I was moving “sideways”. Now, I am living a more spiritual life, living in a new state and adding my days up. One day at a time does add up.
Each day, you and I put the former life one day farther behind us. But, we still have to remain vigilant.
Each person the goes on this new life is haunted to some extent by their old life. I know I am. But, our past is so important in reminding us of what our new life has that our old life didn’t.
Keep on keeping on.
David
March 22, 2011
Just saw your tweet about Mike Starr too. I was cheering for him. Too bad.
Zendog
March 22, 2011
Read Bruce Lipton’s book, the Biology of Belief. The simplest explanation on how the physical brain and the spiritual mind interacts and how we can influence events through this corridor.
Amethi
March 23, 2011
An individual’s effect has been quantified and it’s only 2.5%. However this is cumulative so if you have people who care about you and they focus (i.e. pray) on a good outcome for you then it is more likely to occur. But without a large group of like minds you’re probably not going to influence it much.
D
March 22, 2011
Jennie
Reef is right about how we as a society send our children out to learn early. (College) I went to college at eighteen, dropped out, ended up in the military and almost in a war. Came home, lived on the edge for a while and then went back to school. I actually found it better, that I had real life experience – both good and bad – to draw on. Yeah there were times, many times, I really wanted to strangle some innocent little wide-eyed student who made sweeping pronouncements about life. I learned some tolerance, but mostly control.
You are in a great position and you have worked very hard to put yourself there. I believe that at anytime in our lives, we are the end product of choices we have made. When I hear people say, “If I could go back and change …” I actually feel sorry for them. We have all done things in our lives we may regret, but those choices are very much part of who we are today. You made some very scary choices (I’m sure it seemed at the time) a couple of years ago when you went into rehab, and quit porn. And you stuck with those choices. I taught once a while back – art classes – and my favorite students were older, coming-back-to-school students. They brought life experiences with them and were not afraid to challenge me occasionally which made me a better teacher and artist.
You have worked on many aspects of your life separately it seems – or else I had my head up my ass while reading your blog – and you are now at a point where you are synthesising those aspects. No part of our lives can truely be lived in isolation. And in my humble opinion, you are doing a remarkable job very quickly. I know of people who have been trying to accomplish what you’ve done in 2 years and have been working at it for maybe 10 or 15 years. And are nowhere near the point you are.
OK no more preaching. You are doing a great job with your life – keep it up.
adricdrake
March 22, 2011
Jennie,
The more you go through life and the more you learn the more you will slowly begin to realize that there are certain things that you cannot control. Believe me. I think it might be something inherent in human nature to attempt to do that, but the fact remains… If you start to worry about every single thing on the earth and every person and every event… You’re just gonna drive yourself nuts. Trust me. Believe it or not, I have great fear and terror of everything, but if i let it get to me then I’m gonna wind up like MONK from TV.
Just blindly accept the fact that shit happens. It’s not the shit that defines you. It’s how you deal with it that makes you you.
And so far, you are pretty damn fantastic.
Keep it up, kid.
J. Philip Faranda
March 22, 2011
This doesn’t freak me out. I am more in awe of the incredible writer you are.
michael92105
March 23, 2011
Hey Jennie, sorry I spelled your name wrong…keep writing!
kevin
March 24, 2011
By the way, I know this a little late, but I love the way you changed the look of the blog, and I love the photo on the home page. It says so much, yet in an understated fashion.
L.C.
March 24, 2011
Dear Jennie
Thanks for the post, don’t notice so much suffering in it. Your analogies to disease, occupational hazards and how we as people deal with these everyday occurrences maybe just touch the surface. This may sound a little like and SAT test. But, are not STDs to the porn star what a whole host of pathogens are to the emergency worker? The list goes on loose overhead rocks to the miner. There are all manor or hazards to the construction worker that can and do cause immediate death. Yes, Porn-Stars and racecar drivers do enjoy the limelight while stuntmen and the rest of us don’t. My local teaching hospital’s patient questionnaire leads with, “Did the physician wash their hands?” I guess doctors like porn-stars have a rather “nonchalant” or “blasé” attitude toward infections. As in other industries there are constant reminders to take action to protect our selves, sometimes we do, but very often that loose 1000 pound rock in the mine falls on someone’s head. Yes even after weeks of miners taking no action while at the same time saying looks like it is unstable hope it does not hit someone, especially me.
So to me, your few sentences go way beyond emotions and feelings to very complex mental equations that a brain analyzes in nanoseconds. Basically how do we; first, comprehend risk and then assess our own risk? It is not irrational to be aware and scared of occupational risks in ones profession. Often the inverse is true we are unaware or incorrectly assign and act on that erroneous assessment — the common expression maybe “nonchalant” or “blasé”.
Your post brings to mind the dichotomy between the Doc (who does not wash hands “ware gloves” to protect herself and the next patient) and Howard Hughes, the flamboyant promoter, millionaire, playboy who became a recluse after being obsessed by the thoughts of germs. If we think to hard about risks we stop living life as Hughes did. On the other had if we are blasé, it is simply a “snow day” or worse if we did not accurately comprehend the risk. The differences between the two are how we mentally rank the risk.
Turns out as humans we are not very good at differentiating between risks that can kill us and those that lead to simple bother. So perhaps the way ahead is not to blame an industry, fellow workers or suffer form choices of profession. But realize every day, every minute we make choices to walk on “Don’t Walk”; or walk on “Walk” with out looking to see if cars have stopped etc.
What are the meanings of “nonchalant” and blasé? Chalant comes from the Latin calere “to be hot or riled up.” Non of course negates that. So literally “nonchalant” is to be calm, unconcerned in the face of danger when one should be both hyper and vigilant. In many cases being nonchalant is what enables us not to be frozen by fear but able to get to safety. Blasé is synonymous and has the additional connotation being “a critique of someone who is unconcerned or unimpressed in a “snobby” manner–usually because they have already experienced the activity that would normally impress others” as in numb.
Some how it may be that words; when words can track the meaning of what we are experiencing, are far more important than any feelings. Feelings are only alarm bells and tend to be very illusive in understanding ones needs. I am guessing you have unmet needs for safety, support, and understanding, understanding to put all these emotions in to the context of being a doc who does not wash hands and being Howard Hughes.
No need to suffer for past choices life is a paradox not a Pandora’s box, Good Luck, Kid, LC
CanadaPat
March 25, 2011
Damn you are an interesting person!
I can relate to the pain of an expanding awareness. Our fragility as human beings is scary, overwhelming and tempting to disavow. Of late I am stuck on how destructive to the self and humanity the hatred of weakness can be. As if punishing the weak will somehow save us from the painful knowledge of our own weakness. I pray you are able to continue reaching out for, (as well as providing) nurturing. We all deserve it.
amonymousse
March 27, 2011
good luck and good wishes.
thanks for posting, reading your writing is like medicine.
Jimmy
March 29, 2011
College/Uni can be mind-expanding, surely. Before, you were ignorant of the world around you, and partied cause “WTF else am I gonna do before I die?”. Now you’re not partying, and you’re coming to grips with living a moderate lifestyle. Now you can start to see the problems more in life. One day you will come to the realization that the problems we see in the world cannot be overcome by mankind. It’s a bleak reality, but it’s the truth. I just hope that when that time comes, you won’t be jaded by your experiences and take back on the aforementioned attitude.
AJ
March 29, 2011
hi Jennie, good luck
firstverb
March 29, 2011
Miss Jennifer,
I just had to put Rodney Dangerfield up last week. This movie was the first time I had heard this Dylan Thomas poem. And each time since when exposed to this poem, I hear his voice reciting it. I honestly can’t imagine you going gently anywhere you didn’t intend to go. I see you kicking and screaming and biting and doing anything you can, to let it be known you are not going of your own free will. Hollering yelling from the bottom of your lungs, making your voice heard. Letting the world around you know that you are in it and will not be silenced by their seemingly overwhelming ambivalence.
So you are internalizing this class, getting so caught up in the minuteness of how close we all are to the end, how perilous out existence is on this planet. Please don’t give this thing, these feelings of powerlessness any room in your life. These creatures that we live daily with haven’t done you in despite their best efforts, you have survived. And I believe that you are better able to handle them today than ever before.
Hope you have a wonderful week. I hope you and Mr. Man have many opportunities to talk and be together, in spite of yalls outrageously busy schedules. Well be well safe and happy.
Have a glorious day.
CH
April 22, 2011
You know, it’s not uncommon for people to grow a lot in their 20s. I think it’s pretty much the norm. I can’t pretend to know your situation or your struggles, but I can tell you that I myself have had to crawl out of a hole left by a previous career.
From the age of 10 I started racing motocross, a sport with no collegiate affiliation. I finished High School (average) and I became a professional Motocross racer at 17 and did pretty well. I was sponsored by American Honda, and a host of other prominent companies. This was my dream, and I raced until about 23 and had no job prospects in the real world, hadn’t quite made it to the 0 percentile, but came close, and for that I don’t regret. But it was a painful process to climb out of, being so far behind your pears in credits and momentum. But I did go on to earn my BS degree and start my career in software engineering, and it’s great. There were dark days and I still battle to stay on an even keel in my life, when you live the fast paced lifestyle, however you live it, normalcy can seem boring. But having the mental fortitude to keep the good fight and _earn_ something better for yourself has real lasting rewards with no real downside.
My impression is you’re a smart person, and you’re on your way. Just thought I’d share my thoughts.
CH