About two weeks ago, I was sitting in Dr. Reef’s office talking about life. At one point in our short, thirty minute conversation, he said, “I’m really curious as to when something will go wrong for you. Because everything seems to go right.”
Oh ho ho Dr. Reef, that statement assumes I believe things can go wrong or right. And I told him this, I said, “Well, things generally go ways. Whether it is the right way or not has nothing to do with me, and whether it is my way or not doesn’t really matter. Whatever way things go, and after a little breathing time to accept the specific way an event has gone may not have been the way I’ve planned, it is okay. In fact, it is usually good.
As many people on here have said, 3rd step my way out of this, or maybe deeper into this. I don’t like to talk about the anonymous program in which I participate out of respect, and lord knows I don’t participate as much as I should, but I have turned my will and my life over to something greater than myself. And I’ve trusted in this therapy and recovery process to my very core, so even though I am dealing with this current disappointment, and yes, I was disappointed, it isn’t affecting me as deeply as I had assumed it would because I trust there is a greater plan than the silly little one I am capable of creating.
It doesn’t make me think I can’t be accepted to a fantastic school in the future.
It doesn’t make me think I am not worth the education I am fighting for.
And it doesn’t make me feel rejected…. My dad said I’m simply being “redirected.”
A dear friend of mine gave me incredible advice. He said “There’s five hundred different ways in doing what you want to do. Now you can look around and check out the other four hundred and ninety nine other ways of doing what you want to do. I think that’s interesting.” He’s right. I did choose the most obvious way, the most simple and right in front of me path. The education will continue, because this is something I’ve set my mind to achieving. However, it may not be at UCLA. Now I am free to apply to other schools around the country, and I am free to adventure into life.
What’s interesting is that when I applied, I didn’t believe I had a chance at getting in. Not because I didn’t feel worthy but because I had my feet grounded and knew that thirteen credits, and a four point oh from two semesters in junior college was not enough to offset the two point seven from two and a half years at San Diego State. I knew that I hadn’t proved I was a serious student, by virtue of my academic achievement, and yet I allowed myself to convince myself that “OF COURSE they would let me in and OF COURSE they would see past my grades because of these incredible changes I’ve made and the success I’ve had in recovery and post pornography.”
So much ego little Jennie. So much ego.
The truth of the matter is I am not yet qualified to run with the big kids at UCLA. I need to up my scholastic work load, maintain the four point oh grade point average I currently have, and prove over the course of the next year that I am worthy and capable of attending a competitive four year college. I’m a little bit happy they didn’t take me just because I wrote a great essay. Because then every asshole that wrote a great essay would get in and young kids that had worked hard and had no life experience other than the years spent schooling would be screwed out of possibilities they deserve to explore.
I am so blessed in that which has been given to me. Love, family, success, happiness…. more than I ever thought possible.
When I first left rehab, which is nearly two years ago to the date, I wrote a list of things I wanted out of my recovery. They involved love, family, success, happiness…. but they were silly things like, “A good relationship with my Dad.” “To look myself in the mirror each morning and not need fake eyelashes to feel pretty.” Never in my life could I have asked for the things that I have — inside me– today. Because I didn’t know these possibilities existed.
Also when I first got out of rehab, what kept me going was the support I received from this blog. The shared life stories that assured me I was not alone, and other’s had traveled this path as well. This support has been a constant shining light in my life, and without the people that come here… well…. What I’m trying to say is thank you. For believing in me. And for sharing your lives with me.
And so the story continues. The first draft of the book is nearly completed and I’m getting closer to another round of midterms and ultimately finals in June. Summer will come, the manuscript will be rewritten, and life will continue moving onward and upward.