Maaaaaaaaan the whirlwind is slowly winding down, the torrential rainfall that has been these past two weeks, the steady downpour of books and finals, it’s all coming to an end in these last two days. And it brings up some very interesting emotions, ones I am try desperately not to over analyze, emotions I am simply trying to allow myself to experience, a sentiment that seems terribly wordy. It is amazing how goals can be completed, and yet there is still feelings of loss and confusion. As if the goal had somehow been an understatement, and I had underachieved in reaching that goal.
Book end blues, which is silly because by no means have I completed a book. Yes, I have a first draft of my manuscript, a work of words far exceeding that which will actually be published. In fact, as Stephen King said in “On Writing,” we may use twenty percent of that which we write, which is good because I have seriously overwritten this bitch and it’s now time to trim the fat. But as with mean, fat makes it tasty. Ultimately, it’s unnecessary, but the trimming will be interesting, the stage I am entering, the trimming of book fat. Fatty fatty book fat. I have over two times the content I will turn in, upwards of two hundred thousand words, and they will be trimmed down to a lovely 75-95k. An appropriate meal. None of this Cheesecake Factory overdoing it style. It’s all about moderation. And yet in completing this first draft, I find myself sad. Like, the end of this is really the end of that part of my life. The part I am writing about. As if getting all out means I can truly move forward, free of the noise in my head. White noise is comforting sometimes.
It was the same when I made amends, they all went so well, and I – on a strange subconscious level – wanted someone to be mad at me, to hate me to my core, to be unable to forgive me. But the people to whom I made amends were all so fucking gracious. I didn’t know what to do with the self-loathing I’d become so accustomed to feeling. Once I was free, forgiven by them, I had to start forgiving myself. Super. Difficult. Still. Doing working on it. And so with the end of this book, I feel free to say that! Those words on the pages are my past. They are the things I did and the things I didn’t do and some of the things that were done to me. But none of that, those words on those pages, matter anymore. Because all those words cannot clearly and concisely define who I am. What a human is. Because I, human beings, are all experiences, experiences of one another, the interrelationships in life comprising memories upon memories and none of those memories mean a goddamn thing until you and I shake hands. And even then the only tangible evidence of our existence is a handshake. They…those words…. are just memories.
Also, I finished a three hour Biology final yesterday, and felt as if my brain had finally exploded from the mitosis and neural connections being built and pruned. Interestingly enough, when I took this class at San Diego State, I had no idea what was going on. I failed to grasp the enormity of these tiny, micro-sized discoveries, cellular structure and reproduction failing to interest me. But now completing the course, I understand very well why these things didn’t interest me. I lacked imagination. I lacked the ability to think abstractly about things, especially things happening in my body at that precise moment. And I lacked the drive that it took to understand and enjoy the subject matter. I got a C in that class, and going into this, an unrelenting fear plagued my early classes, fear of repeat, fear of failure, fear of apathy due to inability to comprehend the mighty mighty mitochondria. That’s not what happened, in fact quite the opposite. Not only did I ace the class (I’m fairly sure..), I’ll be taking another Bio class next semester as one of the pre-reqs to get into Cal Berkeley. All my classes to get into UCLA are finished, now I must think outside the box, outside what is right in front of me. Imagination is crucial when deciding upon a collegiate career path.
And so it is with great excitement and incredible wonder that I trudge forth into summer. It’s summer already? When did that happen? A few days ago, in between a book and a book. Now revisions will take the day, close contact with my sherpa Sarah, steady steady we will climb up this mountain, together. Unafraid and wide eyed.
Kathleen Swift
June 8, 2011
I am so excited for the book!
Please say you’ll do a signing tour?
And at least that it will be on sale in Britain?
You’re amazing, xx
becomingjennie
June 8, 2011
hahah yaaay!!! yes, release next July, definitely doing a signing tour and it will definitely be in Britain. If it isn’t for some reason, I will personally send you one myself 😉 xo
Adam Robinson
June 8, 2011
I’ve read On Writing so much that I need to buy a new copy–it is literally falling apart. I have read other books on writing but none are as honest as King’s own. His advice that cling strongest to is the open/closed door process. I start any writing project cut off from outside interference. Once the first draft is complete and I take a stab at editing the beast, I throw the door open and begin the second draft, ready and willing to accept constructive criticism.
On biology: I loved biology in high school but it never loved me. Math always gets in the way–and I bloody well hate math. The one college-level biology course I took put me off anything more involved than a Scientific American article on leaf decay. You win some, you lose some.
T. B.
June 8, 2011
Good stuff Jennie. I am so happy for you. I will definitely be looking out for this book. I can’t tell you how proud I am of you for sticking this part of your life out. Hang in there and my prayers will always include you and your success.
Melanie (@murmurmel)
June 8, 2011
I am so proud of you. That sounds so silly, because I don’t even know you, but it’s true. I watched you on Celebrity Rehab, and then found you on twitter & have had the privilege of enjoying your posts from buses to biology.
…But how have I not read your blog yet?!
(*now bookmarked for future metro reading material)
I love the way you see things & am so looking forward to your book’s release…you have so many life adventures ahead of you, and the possibility to help others along the way, so I look forward to following along as you go forward also.
And if you do a book tour? I am SO on it if you need a DC tour guide! Or if you need to borrow Pogo as a doggie surrogate while travelling. 😉 Good luck on the editing…that will be the hardest part… and I look forward to final draft!
-mel-
Max
June 8, 2011
Go you!
Mmmm, cheesecake
Invisible Mikey
June 8, 2011
King’s book on writing is my favorite of all the ones I’ve read, and when he wrote it he was unsure he would ever write again on a regular basis because his injuries from being run over were so severe. Of course he’s written a great deal since. What you know, you know from today’s viewpoint. Your first book will be a great first step. I wish you all success. (Have fun “killing your darlings”, as writing teachers say – throwing out stuff you love, but that doesn’t clarify and provide forward motion to your core intent.)
Steve in Toronto
June 8, 2011
A good read as always. Oddly, I’m reminded of the legend of Gilgamesh. At the core it’s message is, nothing lasts because it was never meant to.
I look forward to shaking your hand and giving meaning to some memories. Probably in a book store as you sign my copy. I will insist on a photo of the handshake. 🙂
pragmatic realist
June 8, 2011
When you finish (even temporarily) something big, its a kind of grief. Something was there yesterday, but today its not. Habits were scratched into your brain, little grooves in the nerve cells, as you say, “connections built and pruned”. But today they don’t go anywhere because the object is gone. Pain, discomfort is felt as the brain has to physically readjust the inside to the outside, and it takes energy. But everything changes, Shariputra; nothing is permanent. Learn to to let it go and accept what comes next.
vastauniverse
June 8, 2011
Sometimes Jennie, overanalyzing stuff makes you little bit indecisive. I know that for a fact. It is amazing that you are worried about things. That is being human. Penny Flame is gone. I see before me and the rest of the Information Superhighway. Jennifer Ketcham: writer, student and woman who wants the world in her hands on her own terms. Never analyze, just postulate for a few moments andf go with your gut!
Jonathan
June 8, 2011
I think Berkley might be a good fit for you. It will mean a lot of changes, though.
salmacis99
June 8, 2011
Hey Jennie-
Glad that your school madness is winding down- and that you’re doing so well! As a writer, I understand the whole ‘trimming the fat’ aspect of creation. I’m mostly a songwriter, but even with that you write, you re-write, you add and subtract- sometimes grinding your teeth the whole time 🙂 But it’s worth it in the end.
I’m also very happy for you that you’ve started to learn how to forgive yourself- one of the hardest things a person can learn to do. Your comments about self-loathing remind me of one of my favorite sayings- “What’s the best part about banging your head against the wall over and over again? How good it feels when you stop.”
I KNOW you understand 🙂
P.S. I too am very much looking forward to your book!
stewart
June 9, 2011
Well Done for getting this far Jenny. be sure as I am you WILL get to where you want to be if you just keep doing what you’re doing. Be sure to let us know on here when your book signing will be as I would love to have a signed copy of your book for my Daughter. You know something tells me there will be more books to come as you progress through your transfomation.
amy
June 9, 2011
Fabulous, fabulous. I am so very happy for you!
juaniglesias
June 9, 2011
You tweeted in April that “I AM JENNIE” might be the title of the book, and that fits with what you have written here (the feelings of finality and loss), implying that your identity search is nearing completion. When one era ends, a new one begins; the “becoming” gives way to “being”.
It would be so neat if you did visit this tiny island called Great Britain. 🙂
Shana
June 9, 2011
Somehow, your posts come into my life right on time. Really needed that. The dissatisfaction after completing a goal is something I am all too familiar with. But I don’t want to give up setting goals for my self! You inspire me to just keep going.
Thanks ;D
P.S. I am so excited for your book. When you said you can completed a draft, I literally gasped.
CanadaPat
June 9, 2011
You Are So Amazing. Sometimes I wonder if you are like another species. No offense meant here but I really fail to understand how you are able to achieve all this. It boggles my mind. You are a freak of recovery! There is no one I know like you. Where do you get these super powers?
D
June 10, 2011
I would second all the comments here. But Invisible Mikey’s is the best – Enjoy killing your little darlings. I would add – And don’t worry about it. A writer friend once told me that it wasn’t until she realized that the stuff she was cutting while editing – “Oh God you can’t mean cut THAT” – never went away. It just found a better place in something else. And to quote another great writer – “DON’T PANIC!”
It’s also wonderful to see you open up about future school choices. The more open doors you allow yourself, the easier it is to move through the house of Jennie. You are a smart, strong, beautiful person – thank you for sharing your ups and downs with us.
L.C.
June 10, 2011
Dear Jennie,
Several weeks ago you posed the question. “How can I not be hard on myself when there are terribly large chunks of my life I cannot discuss with the people I love and hold dear?” You answer is interesting in a rhetorical way, “Being a fully engaged human being makes it difficult to look upon and experience the moments in my life where I was fully disengaged. Completely absent.”
If I try to follow the logic it makes no sense how you could be absent disengaged and have something to tell someone because if you were absent that means you were somewhere and not absent. But if one follows the meaning, my imagination of what you are feeling and needing is endless. Meaning is, needs and those elusive feelings, as well as present celebrations and mornings of the past. Imagination is the operative word as I don’t know you and have no clue what events, episodes you are speaking about. Perhaps it is worth imagining a response?
Your question has universal appeal. And on some level we all have the same question whether we were addicted or a nun. One immediate thought is how important is it to tell a person held dear something that is deemed non-conversational? And what is the relevance of that importance for all people involved? What is the nature of the broken bond – that connection lost? By what means could the reconnection of that rupture be joined? There are choices of process to attempt reconciliation; reparative, restorative and punitive?
Certainly some of the hate mail sees a need for a punitive response for having been an addict or even a mainstream adult actor or simply changing your life in recovery! A penance is due; you need to suffer, pay dues for past transgressions like expecting less from life like first class education, and always be a “whatever”. Then and only then are you fit to be an equal human again. Punishments today seem less punitive than being burned at the stake but still less productive at restoring grace and dignity to all parties. Besides who is the judge that you have suffered enough to be repentant? Your detractors think they are.
But that says little about your attachment bonds to those you hold dear – or for that matter those acquaintances you only met. While punishment clearly states that something be extracted — something tangible in exchange for the transgression. That something tangible is key. Vengeance definitely extracts something tangible. People want something tangible to show and that maybe why vengeance is so universally popular in cultures around the world. But are there other ways than to get something tangible to show?
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A reparative action would be to replace what was lost with something of equal value, rather easy for unpaid debts or something that was used to get drugs. But if the lost was simply “being absent” reparation without a time machine is impossible. It is not just replacing a shattered cookie jar. What is the significance or meaning in replacing a cookie jar for a person of means? What if the person has no the means to simply replace what was lost? Someone who has no food or money can not replace a hamburger eaten. An entire country Germany struggled under reparation payments in the 20s and 30s.
In reparation there is a natural tension between what is doable and what is meaningful. To a Wall Street Banker replacing a cookie jar is doable but may have no meaning because of the banker’s great wealth. On the other hand it is not doable for the destitute person to replace a hamburger but may be highly symbolic and meaningful for those gathered to see the humanity of a hungry person’s offer his only dime or perhaps other gathered to hug him!
By demanding reparation it becomes apparent that even if it is possible for something of like kind or value to be returned it may not satisfy that need to show something tangible was extracted. So it would be possible to have reparation with out meaning or in the case of the hungry person meaning without reparation.
This leads to understanding restorative process. The first definition is returning something to a former, original, normal, or unimpaired condition. This is relationship maybe recreating the bond if as if you were never absent. In recovery terms it might be compared to renovating a house as in historic preservation. I like the restorative aspect that puts back the position of grace and dignity.
Much of the time people choose a restorative act over simply reparative action and seldom feel, peace, absences of fear after punitive action. Perhaps the power of restorative practices is to get an understanding of why, how and a reassurance it not happening again, in order to gain safety and peace. Every one will not become friends again — perhaps folks have done horrible things to each other. But restoration can bring a peace a dignity that allows them to pass unnoticed on the street with grace.
That people can either pass each other or rejoin with dignity — means more to them than burring a hatchet, repaying a debt, telling someone dear or extracting a pound of flesh.
So I interpret your question not “how can I tell ones most dear” but “how can I be with them having lost connection, been absent, and not wanting to tell them what went on when connections were broken, confused or absent?” The reparation may be telling them what you did when you were absent. But the restoration likely is telling them what it means to you now that you realize you were absent. What seems to haunt people, fuel their fear, is the absences of peace. A restoration process grants an opportunity for community to be rejoined. In other words what attachment bonds are about is to support and care for another’s well-being and visa versa.
What is not fully explored here is both parties were part of what ever you asked the question about. For restoration to work better it has to be meaningful for all parties not just the customary two but family, friends who ever was also affected. All may volunteer to do something restorative.
There are various restorative practices past down through the generations but like vengeance all show something tangible but it can be tangibly symbolic. But often this symbolism is a picture of people standing together. Where as a picture of vengeance may simply show one person with a pound of flesh removed or one person holding that pound of flesh.
I don’t know how to answer your question. But suggest it may not be the telling that is hard it may be figuring out how to be restorative with them and they with you. Is that it?
Maybe the answer may not be in telling others the exact nature of your hiding but simply how much you missed then and savor standing with them and by then now with grace and dignity. Perhaps a hug is that symbolic gesture. Snap a picture to make it tangible, good luck Kid, LC
Lily C.
June 11, 2011
Hi Jennie,
Congrats on all of your accomplishments so far !!! I always read your blog and am a big fan since I saw you on Dr. Drew’s show and he tweeted your blog. Can’t wait for your book !!!! Thank you for sharing your journey of recovery with all of us…you are such an amazing writer !!! Will you be coming to South Florida for book signings?
Lily C.
firstverb
June 12, 2011
Miss Jennifer,
Thank you for another wonderful post. And as someone has reminded us that, “I am Jennie”, might be the title of your new book. Some other possible titles might could be, (if you’re still kicking the title around). Back on Nov 29th, 2009, you said, “my freckled past”, in a post. Oh and, “a life in bloom”, which was from a response you wrote to somebody on April 25th, 2010. And way back on May 16th 2009 you wrote, “progress not perfection”. I know whatever you end up with, it will be one which will draw the reader in and make them want to read more than just the title. Enjoy your summer, hope it is all you wish it to be.
Have a glorious day.
anonmooz
June 12, 2011
awesome
Albert
June 13, 2011
Awesome Jennie, you are on a roll. Keep up the good work.
Hoosier
June 14, 2011
Sounds like you were “born that way”…. I join my fellow posters here in congratulating you on the completion of your book’s first draft and extend my condolences on your having to part with even a segment of your “baby” in the revision process. Of course I, like them, can hardly wait to read the finished product!
Darrin G
June 17, 2011
Thank you. I was searching for something else, you can probably guess what, but I clicked on this instead. Obviously my higher power at work. And now, after reading a bit of your blog, I don’t feel like acting out anymore. Thank you. Probably not your intent, you write for you I hope, but sometimes it might get on others. You’ll have to accept that as one of the hazards of sharing. Sorry. Anyway, keep up the great work, and have a great summer. When I’m feeling hungry, angry, lonely or tired, I’ll check back in here for a fix of sorts. I like your words section. Yesterday, is a good one, but I like today. I use these words too, they are not mine, I heard them somewhere, “I am, whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy.” Thank you again. Darrin G
johnny
June 20, 2011
This blog was much more interesting about a year ago.
Lahash
June 21, 2011
There was once a man…
There was once a man that laid plans for you
This man said “Quit your job” and now your through.
There was once a man that said “Education is the place to be”
And you have applied, repeatedly.
There was once a man that had a simple plan
Without ever watching you, he became your biggest fan
There was once a man that believed in romance true,
But time held little, both for him and you.
There was once a man who knew a woman so sad
He saw his own tears in her and the tenderness she had.
There was once a man that made a simple bet
Follishly he felt ne reason to fret.
A pause in our rhyme for a little history…
I say to you Penny, that romance is not dead, I planned for tomorrow and waited patiently for the flower to open willingly. If my bed of roses comes to be thorns, which I am certain that it will not, then I will give myself to you until the cows come home, roses and cows often being the same thing (don’t try and milk the roses people, those thorns hurt).
Now perhaps a little history for our History Jennie?
It is the first day of summer 2011…
The fast one didn’t make it. Beauty was annointed but fell asleep. More than three strikes I say,even if they are but two. So….
There was once a man that made a bet with cynical you.
If his birds flew home to him a year and a day you would pay
His confidence, foolishly high, gave good odds it is true
Until they come to deal with you, your slave he will stay.
Horrid Poetry aside….
We made a bet and I can’t find anything I asked you to do in that time that you didn’t do. Spot on fantastic. I had no intention of loosing and thought today (as other yesterdays) that I would be vindicated. My faith in romance has just been shredded. So, as agreed you may claim me. I shall not shed a tear >sniffle< – you know I had high hopes again and again. I will formaly surrender my freedom to you when you come. We did have a time limit on claiming one another, I planned to do it right away so I didn't bother to remember it… ok you know how my memory is! I'll give you until July 4th 2011, Just shy of 2 weeks to claim me or the bet is finished 😛
If you need directions, let me know (I think you got my numba 😉
DJVapes420
June 23, 2011
Sure you won’t go back to porn? You are well missed innit.
Joe
July 4, 2011
Thinking of killing myself…sometimes reading your comments help
michael92105
July 6, 2011
No post in awhile…hope you are okay.
Am curious about your book, since learning you were in the process of writing one, I’ve since discovered that many people in the business have done so also although I haven’t gotten further than that. I wonder if any one has reached out to you or if you’ve read any of the other books out there.
I’m thinking yours will be my first read since I can always feel inspired by someone’s recovery and I’m sure in that sense yours will be unique.
Post something soon to let us know you are well.
Take good care.
firstverb
July 6, 2011
Miss Jennifer,
27 months from where you were to where you are. It’s never about the destination, it’s the trip that makes & refines. That creates who we are when we arrive at journeys end. I hope you are safe happy and above all else well.
Have a glorious day
L.C.
July 8, 2011
Dear Jennie
Just wondering what is up with you. As most of your readers remark most of the time what an amazing road you have traveled and changed so much. Seems like you might have stopped counting recovery days and desiring to post and that might just be a very good omen, Good luck Kid, LC