Coming up to midterms already. The year is flying by and I am falling into a state of utter exhaustion. Between the schooling, the studying, the working and the book turning in-ing, I am literally wondering how people who have done this, did this. Perhaps not the book thrown in as well, because I think that may be more psychological than anything, but a mom that has gone back to school, and still works a side job and the biggest job of all~ being a mother? A dad that goes back to school? Any adult that goes back to school and tries to maintain some sort of adult life? How do they all do it???
The simplicity of childhood, for the most part, is something for which I long. Get up, go to school, pass notes, passing grades. While I am not complaining about life, because goodness knows that the activities now consuming my time are blessed with grace and integrity, I am complaining about the lack of hours in the day and my apparent need for sleep. Jill told me once that as people get older, they tend to move in two directions: needing more sleep and needing less sleep. One of my best girlfriends is up at 5am. Ready to go. To take on the day. She drinks coffee for an hour before she starts calling family in Brazil and Argentina, because the world is not yet moving.
I, on the other hand, seem to need a good 8-10 hours of sleep, and if I get those hours in I can function fine all day. If I get anything less than 8, I feel like sleeping at work/school/bus/life and I feel as though I could sleep more, no problem. I haven’t always been this way though, I used to be up at 6am, 7am, no problem. I may have been going to bed at ten so that may explain it. Now I am going to bed at 2. It is kind of messing up.
So it’s time to quit being the woman that can do everything, and start being the woman that does what she can, the best she can.
Mr. Man and I are heading to Chicago for a wedding this upcoming weekend, and when I come home, the restaurant will have hired a new hostess that can pick up some additional shifts. I will simply say that I can only work three days a week. That extra day, those extra seven hours, are killing me. It seemed so fabulous in theory, in crazy addict mind theory, that I go to school full time, work the closing shift 7-2 four nights a week, finish a book, maintain relationships, go to yoga and breathe and sleep. But as with that extra sociology class, I do not need to overdo it. I don’t need to kill myself to prove to myself that I can kill myself. Go hard or go home has no place here. So….
I am granting myself permission to work smarter, not harder. If that means making a little less money each month, then so be it. I will survive. If that means working less so that I am not completely exhausted at the end or beginning of each day, then so be it. I can only do what I can do. I can push, and strive, but I am not willing to hurt myself anymore.