After the last post, the post about the woman that can do everything, I quickly realized that you are all correct and it is not necessary to do everything. While I may have pretended to be wise, a sage of wordpress and knower of my own limitations, surely my humanity and my super addicty ways would ensure that just because I know the talk does not mean I am walking the walk.
I have finally changed my work schedule so that I am only available on weekends. While I will ultimately be making less money and therefore able to spend less money (or if you are conservative as I am attempting to be, “save less money”), it’s time to focus on what is important, which is school. I got my second B, in my biology of psychology class, perhaps the most challenging college course I’ve yet to take, and it is the second B I’ve received since returning to school last fall. The first B, I was heartbroken. The second, a little less. Both happened in the same class.
Actually, I cannot omit any truths here, it was a C (!) before the curve. I only received a B because of the situation. It was a high C (39/50), which doesn’t necessarily make me feel any better. And my grade in the class overall is an 88%, which I can easily raise now that I have good, solid study and sleep hours. But the shock, the imperfection, the horror, the horror.
The horror gave way to reality. I will be challenged, I will get less than perfect scores, I will not be the very best at everything I do. I was reading an article yesterday, about how valedictorians in high school experience this huge let down once they get to that ivy league college and are placed with a bunch of other valedictorians. Suddenly, he/she is not the smartest/bestest/most awesomest kid in school. Suddenly, he/she is completely normal. I read another article about how parents are succeeding at fucking up their kids, unintentionally of course, by always reinforcing the “You did your best,” line of thinking, or the “you are so special,” idea. Sometimes, we did not do our best. In fact, sometimes we do a shit job. And more often than not, that idea of special only manages to separate us from the rest of our peers, our social companions. Parents are creating little tiny narcissist, because now the children are convinced that they always, in fact, do their best. And that they are special. Just because we are special to someone, or to a group of people, does not necessarily mean that that specialness makes us better or different than those around us.
I think some of the trouble comes from separating normalcy and mediocrity. One of my biggest fears in life has been to become a mediocre human being. So I go hard. I go so hard that most times I burn out. I am so afraid of being quasi-awesome that I sacrifice whatever awesomeness that is inherently mine for the sake of creating and existing in even more awesomeness. This is simply not healthy. It is also impossible.
It’d be like if everyone was Steve Jobs. Then nobody would be Steve Jobs.
What I’m saying is that it’s taken that “C turned to B,” for me to realize that sometimes, when I tell myself, “I’m doing my best,” it is only fluff to distract me from the fact that I am not really doing my best. That if – like a scientist – I tweak a few variables, I will do much better. That situationally, I may be doing the best I can, but that does not mean that it is the best I have to give.
It’s surprising how long some lessons take to learn. It is inspiring, the complexity with which the mind functions. While I will not beat myself up about being imperfect, I will do what is possible to make the situational variables such that I have no place left to look other than my own brain when it comes to learning, or in this case, failing to do so. I will not point to other students and think, “they are smart,” and look at myself and say, “I had too much on my plate, and that caused my mediocre grade.” No. I will say, “I did not study enough, and therefore, did not do as well.”
There is absolutely no limit to the amount a human can learn. It only stops when we decide that we’ve reached our capacity. And even then, were we to change our minds, we would instantly be open to new learning.
I wish to remain open, because there is really always room for improvement. My life is changing for the better. Every. Single. Day.
Becoming Jennie 
botsal
October 28, 2011
J,
Don’t let a large university cheat you out of a good education. Read “Colleges that Change Lives” by Loren Pope.
Stephster
October 28, 2011
I wish the grades weren’t based on such a linear scale. Looking at everything that you’ve been through and where you are going, you’d definitely have an A+!
michi
October 28, 2011
Im a girl in college too. If we were at the same college I’d so be your friend 🙂 I know a little bit about you and your struggle and your past, but its your words that stick in my mind. You are a natural narrator! I learn a lot about my own life from your posts. I have to tell you I knew there was something “special” about you from the very first time I read through your pennyflame? Flamingpenny? Website. I read your bio and I immediatly googled you..and sure enough by that time you’d begun your transition to Jenny! Anyway from one college girl to another I know that feeling. Of realizing you might not be able to accomplish the impossible afterall. It’s a part of growing up. See? You’re growing ^^
gs
November 6, 2011
hey email me michi. maybe we can be pen pals?? okherewego6969@hotmail.com
Jay Sullivan
October 28, 2011
You are doing what the shrinks call “rational behavior therapy”. Very smart and insightful. An addict would have said, “What the hell, I suck at everything I try” and then drop out of school. You have advanced so very far.
michael92105
October 28, 2011
Dear Jennie
I am glad you are making progress in accepting yourself for who you are. I have to tell you never, not once, has any employer ever asked to see my transcript(s). My grades were only important in securing a spot in a particular grad school. And in looking back I’m not sure what all that has brought me. I have only learned to live life through practicing the principles of recovery, and so far there isn’t any certificate of completion there. I like the way you ended the post…you’re getting it. Every. Single. Day. ( me too!).
Invisible Mikey
October 28, 2011
Balance and grace are complex, subtle things to learn, and I think you are doing really well at gaining a better understanding of them. You are putting your priorities in order. You are learning that giving your best energies to what you most want to achieve will help you achieve them. That’s just wonderful.
Interesting that you brought up Steve Jobs. There’s a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions. So much talent. So many areas of expertise. And over a lifetime of so many successes, he retains an attitude that he knows more than anyone about everything, including his doctors. For nine months he puts off a surgery with a high likelihood of helping him live much longer (risk vs. benefit) in favor of alternative but unverified, ultimately ineffective treatments. His cancer progresses past the point of no return. When he gets the final terminal diagnosis, he is consumed with regret, and learns his lesson – too late. All our choices, attitudes and values have consequence.
followtheleaderagain
October 28, 2011
Thank you! I’m fairly sure I said the same thing to you like, a year ago. There’s a great video I think you’ll like it, it’s about being wrong, and the psychology of being wrong – it’s great!
becomingjennie
October 29, 2011
This is INCREDIBLE. Thank you so much for sharing.
followtheleaderagain
October 29, 2011
You’re welcome. I never went through much grade school with other kids (homeschooled) so I never really was affected the same way at the other kids..So I can truly relate to this woman – I’m already wrong, so admit it, move on… all I wish is that I can make a real and sustained difference in this world, and that’s something that “success” by today’s social framework, can’t seem to adequately measure. “I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong” but that’s what I think.
By the way, I much like this picture you have now; in comparison to your old one this one is superior… the old one looked… well, nevermind.
if I find any more things that seem to relate to you, I’ll let you know.
John Cargo
October 28, 2011
One of my Professors once said that college is where we make every mistake we can. By making mistakes, we have a chance to learn from them and apply them to the “real world.” What I’ve learned is that in the “real world,” grades don’t matter, experience and learning do; and you are learning. I doubt that we stop learning even after we died (oh, I can just imagine having to learn a new paradigm about the nature of the afterlife, which I think is a personal universe, but I could easily be wrong).
Don’t knock yourself on getting a B or “a high C.” I had to retake Calculus three times. The first time I failed the course miserably because I didn’t learn the lesson of devoting time to study. The second time, I had learned that lesson, but had to drop the course because I needed to focus my time on my other courses. Third time was the charm, and by then I was spending time in the library in a nice quiet room reviewing material.
All things considered, you’re doing better than most.
Kathleen Swift
October 28, 2011
Love everything about this post. It’s exactly what i needed right now, as i’m struggling to stop procrastinating and do some of the massive work-pile i need to get through. I told myself that i can’t do anymore that i already am without wearing myself thin, truth is i haven’t started and i know i’m being lazy. When i saw this new post, i said to myself that i’ll just read this to get me into the writing mood so i can do my essays, and it’s given me the kick i need to stop making excuses to myself and so some work.
sogetthis99
October 29, 2011
Sounds like tweaking the sleep variable will be a big step forward. It’s hard to imagine tackling a boat load of college classes without enough sleep.
On the college curve front there are all types.
My second hardest class in college was a 300 (junior) level class I took as a sophomore (200 level) which was fine except, much to my dismay, half the class were graduate students in that department, which was not my major. I got 92+ percent of the possible points in the class and got a straight “B”, no plus no minus, a straight “B”. Did I get a “B”? No I got 92+ percent of the possible points in a graduate level class. My ex-roommate got 93+ percent of the possible points and also got a straight be. The cutoff for an “A” graded on a curve was 94 percent. Ouch!
On the other hand my hardest class of all four years…1/3 of the people that enrolled in the class dropped the class in the first three days. On most of the tests the highest grade in the class was 60-65. I don’t remember one test score all year where the high score even reached 70%. I got an “A” in that class getting grades on major tests of between 55-65. I was too scared not work, work, and work…. and even more scared of being called on in class and not knowing the answer (the professor had a marine corp Sargent like sarcasm designed to make you feel like shit-to an entire group).
And there was an incident recently where Brandon Stover, a valedictorian at Chief Sealth High School, who had a 4.0 grade-point average was not accepted to the University of Washington for reasons not affiliated with him at all. The UW could simply could satisfy its budget emergency needs better by accepting out of state students (more tuition $$$).
Might as well do it for the right reasons. Yay to more sleep!!!!!
stewart
October 29, 2011
Its good that you have tidied up your schedule and are approaching things from a better perspective. You will find it will be a lot easier from now I think. Just keep your focus upon that which is important. (Its not importnt to get highest marks in class). Dont beat yourself up about the odd C+, just recognize your limitations and learn which areas may need a bit more study in future. I have no doubt you will get there in the end and I look forward to the day when I am posting my congatulations on your gaining your degree.
Best wishes,
Stewart.
Daryl
October 29, 2011
I can’t tell you how much your work on Celebrity Rehab and this blog has helped me and I am sure thousands of other people. Changing your life is not an easy process. I know that because I have gone through some similar issues. While my vises were not the same, I hid from who I wanted to be as a person because I felt the path to hard to travel. I chose the easy job, that also paid a lot of money, as it enabled my addictions (spending too much money, fancy cars, crazy vacations, over eating that led to obesity, however never happy inside).
Going into therapy when I was massively depressed (the job dried up so to speak) saved my life. It took about two years but I was able to go back to school, finish my BA, and I am enrolled in a top Ivy League program here in Boston (guess where?!? lol). Change can happen. I myself when I realized what I was capable of doing and channeled the power of change….I thought I could do everything. I quickly realized all I was doing was cheating myself out of the experience of changing. My advice: do what you can, just do it well. It is very obvious you are an intelligent and passionate person. You are just discovering what you are capable of. It’s an amazing feeling. Take it slow and don’t burn out. You can do much more when you are calm and relaxed. In my path of changing my life, when I went slow and selectively did my 100% best without overwhelming myself the results have spoken for themselves. Especially if you are thinking graduate school some day, time management is a better skill than smarts.
Thanks for your bravery. Putting yourself out in front of the whole word shows who you are. Thanks for lighting the path for others to follow.
Steve in Toronto
October 29, 2011
Two thoughts…
Only God gets to be perfect, so give it a rest.
Jennie, you couldn’t be mediocre if you tried. Too late!
David
October 29, 2011
Thank you! I needed to read that today. Sometimes we think we can do everything and the reality is we can’t. Its like the idea of multitasking. Studies have shown it does not exist no matter how much we say it does. When we as humans want something we need to focus on the one thing we are doing not the 72 hundred other things going on. That is why everyone HATES driving these days. Everyone is doing everything EXCEPT driving and then accidents happen (which really is not an “accident” b/c if ppl would put down the damn cell phone, coffee, magazine, conversation they are having with the passeneger, etc it would not be an “accident”). I learn the hard way ALL the time I cannot mutitask as I am a “bull in the china shop” type of person without even realizing it. My family and friends either laughs at me me because of it or is really pissed because I don’t realize sometimes all the damage me not focusing on the task at hand has caused.
Been a long time “lurker” (I am not so good with words and it usually comes out wrong) but supporter of your blog. Please remember your voices reaches more people then you know. You might see only so many “hits” on your blog but your words travel outside these blogs too and get passed on I know throughout my day at least. Work hard on your studies and focus as hard as you can but remember you are just flesh and bone like the rest of us. It takes time to learn things. We have been bred throughout history to want instant gratification and if we don’t get it then its failure which is so false. I received a “C” in a biology class a few years ago but kept the book. One summer out of boredom I picked it up again and and read it for my own pleasure and not because I had to rush for a pop quiz or test some teacher pressured me to get done with in a day. I learned so much more when I took my time and gave myself a break and let everything else that was festering go and focused on just one thing.
matt
October 29, 2011
“Sometimes, we did not do our best.”
Awesome.
That’s been huge for me to accept because it comes with the follow-up, “I was able to do better but CHOSE not to.” Now we have to be responsible for our choices. Who wants to do that? More often than not, I don’t want to be responsible but if we really want to grow we have to embrace it, I think.
Perhaps ‘we’ need to find a better way of communicating this side of things to kids?
davy
October 29, 2011
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but school studies oft times do not come as easily to those older than the typical college student of the 18-22 age group. But I know you’d ace a test that reflected life experiences, curve or no curve. How did that old hair color advert go, “You’re not getting OLDER, you’re getting BETTER.” Live it; believe it.
Resign yourself to do what it takes to pass. Isn’t that good enough? If your ultimate goal is to hang out your own shingle ala Dr. Drew, what difference does it make whether you’re first or last in your graduating class. It’s not like the city of Hollywood, or Bakersfield, or Pasadena has a quota on your profession and only the top 10 percentile get to go into business. Your diploma will only say ‘graduate’ not how well or poorly you did on the tests. Get my drift?
Invisible Mikey
October 29, 2011
Hi, Davy. I know I’m butting in, and that all the rest of your reply to Jennie is encouragement, but I can’t help reacting to your first sentence even though I haven’t been invited to. Please forgive me.
My first degree was earned at age 30, my third at age 50. My wife got her first right out of high school, but she earned an MA at 46 while working full time. In our experience, college got easier as we got older, possibly because we were studying majors where life experience is advantageous; Journalism, Theology, Communications, Creative Writing and Medical Imaging. We also had other older classmates each time we were at school. They were never the ones who dropped out, defaulted on their loans, or crashed and burned from overdoing it in or out of class. But I agree with all the rest of what you said!
D
October 31, 2011
Invisible Mikey
Good point. Jennie I went back to school in my mid 20s got my graduate degree in my 50s. My biggest problem when I first went back was keeping myself from choking 18 & 19 year olds who pontificated on the “meaning of life” and “what is really important.” I found them to be naive and protected. Wouldn’t have know “real life” or adversity if it bit them on the butt.
Another point is that for a while I taught. On of the first questions I was asked was if I graded on a curve. The answer was no. The points needed for each grade was laid out in the syllabus and should be a goal. My approach was if you screwed up at point A ( or B or C) you had the choice to make it up later. I told them that tests and projects were learning experiences and they should traet them as such, not as a statement on their life or worth. And no one failed and most did very well. The only flak I got was from the administration who questioned wheither my requirements were rigerous enough. I told them to ask my students – every one back me up and said they learned more from my class than any in their majors. My class had traditionally been an “Easy A” class designed to bolster grade point averages – at least until I taught it.
I once took a class where I scored A on every assignment, but when I got my final grade I found I had been given a B. The professor told me she had curved the grades. I pointed out that curves were supposed to bring weaker grades up, not strong grades down. The Dean agreed with me and the grade was changed.
Jennie – as many have said you are a remarkable woman who has taken her life in her own hands and living by (mostly) your own vision of right and wrong. And I for one think your vision is very very good. Keep up the good wrk, and keep believing in yourself.
D
davy
October 31, 2011
You’re forgiven! I do empathize with what Jennie is going through.
I was just giving my experience as a veteran who matriculated Penn State 10 years after high school. I suppose I was also at a disadvantage not having taken college prep courses. Not many biology or engineering classes involved in Journalism, Theology, Communications, Creative Writing and Medical Imaging like was on my curriculum for Agricultural Engineering. I certainly wasn’t lazy. And I’m not dumb. But getting that BS, still to this day, is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It didn’t seem to be for all my classmates who were fresh out of high school. Of course none of them held down a 30 hour per week job either.
michael92105
October 29, 2011
Dear Jennie:
Watched the video and as music is my vehicle, I immediately thought of these lyrics from the song Present Tense by Pearl Jam:
You can find the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwamCGQU7_s
Thanks for all you do…
Do you see the way that tree bends?
Does it inspire?
Leanin’ out to catch the sun’s ray
A lesson to be applied
Are you getting something out of this?
All encompassing trip
You can spend your time alone
Redigesting past regrets, Oh
Or you can, come to terms and realize
You’re the only one who cannot forgive yourself, Oh
Makes much more sense to live in the present tense
Have you ideas on how this life ends?
Checked your hands and studied the lines?
Have you the belief that the road ahead
Ascends off into the light?
Seems that needlessly it’s gettin’ harder
To find an approach and a way to live
Are we gettin’ something out of this
All encompassing trip
You can spend your time alone
Redigesting past regrets, Oh
Or you can come to terms and realize
You’re the only one who cannot forgive yourself, Oh
Ah, makes much more sense to live in the present tense
Jessica
October 29, 2011
Sometimes I feel like you are plucking the thoughts directly from my head! Thank you for always sharing so honestly and openly!
ecwashere
October 29, 2011
When I was in the 9th grade, I had a meeting with my “guidance counselor” that was called “Getting Ready for College.” I have only one clear recollection of the meeting, and that was when he turned to get something from a shelf, I looked down at my “file” and saw a box “IQ = ” and someone had written in blue pen, “98.” If the 50th percentile is 100, I was 2 points below the average! And now, even recalling the impact of the event and how it made me feel, it could have happened yesterday for how vivid the memory. I was so embarrassed & ashamed – and I certainly didn’t tell anyone – I let it own me for longer than I would like to admit. I looked at my college grades for 2 semesters, and then said “Fuck it, I don’t need the stress,” and I swear I never looked at another grade after. I never got “warnings,” I never got kicked out, and I may well have been 2 cents short of average the whole time, but they put the papers in my hand nonetheless. And I only recently read, “What do they call a doctor who graduates last in his class? Doctor.”
Personally, I like to think that I am “unique,” and mediocrity, it seems to me, suggests “common” & indistinguished. I know the difference, for example, between writing something to “get by,” and something that is unique and meaningful to me – I may be my worst critic, but I’m also my best critic, and I certainly can’t fool myself. And that means no instructor can make me feel good about bullshit by giving it an “A,” and no instructor can diminish my satisfaction because, I believe more often than not, grades are differences in opinion.
efficientmelodrama
October 29, 2011
Wow, you’re an excellent writer. I worry all the time about being “quasi-awesome” as well. I experienced similar things as an undergraduate, making anything less than an A was not only a rarity, but a perceived let down not only to myself, but others as well. I feel the same way about personal integrity and morality. I started getting anxiety from the dumbest things; underpaying for a coffee and not going back inside to correct the mistake.Then I had a tremendous panic attack because of all the unnecessary stress I was placing on myself. I don’t understand where that mentality came from, my parents weren’t domineering, or unsupportive, in fact they were the opposite. It’s hard for me to overcome being an overachiever (an interesting paradox), something in my subconscious keeps driving me to attempt at being the best at everything. It’s taken the last two years of my life to get that under control, but because of it I became more introverted than I’d like to be. It’s a shame that I can manage straight A’s, but if I have to speak in front of people, or go to a party, I can’t overcome social awkwardness. I’ve tried really hard to get over that too, but it seems impossible. Honestly, I think I’d trade all of my ridiculously hard work just to be able to feel comfortable in front of strangers. Weird, huh? Have you ever experienced anything like that? I really envy people that can do it, and that feeling of jealously for me is like a lust for gold.
Anyway, I like your blog. As cliche as it sounds, it actually inspired me to start one of my own.
Thanks
Brian
October 31, 2011
You’re hardly mediocre. The “B” doesn’t really matter. Keep becoming Jennie and you’ll be fine.
Hoosier
November 1, 2011
Yes, your life certainly is changing for the better, “Every. Single. Day.” Whenever you may doubt that, just watch reruns of the seasons of “Celebrity Rehab” and “Sober House” in which you appeared to consider where you might be today instead of where you are. But the butterfly was always there in larval form, waiting for the right combination of catalysts to spur an emergence. And just think of where you will be in a like interval from now!
theduffboy
November 3, 2011
Kudos on embracing the humility that comes with acknowledging one’s own shortcomings. Not everyone faces the music of “not doing your best”.
Gregory Sorensen
November 3, 2011
Jennie, You have allot of good friends out there giving your great support, If I may be one more, you have access to lynda.com to ace or audit a course you want to pull a “A” or High “B”.
Of course, If you were family or ever int he future want to be my wife, you would get two years at my place of employment if accepted and what a Great two years of being a Trojan it would be
So as we say here. “Fight On” Jennie..
Sincerely Greg, Systems Engineer III
1991 Recognized as USC Employee of the Month
1992 Nominated for USC Employee of the Year
2001 Recognized for Excellence in the Information Environment at USC.
2002 Recognized for Excellence in the Information Environment at USC.
2004 Recognized for Cross Functional Excellence at USC.
2008 Recognized for Cross Functional Excellence at USC.
Sam
November 4, 2011
As an adult film actress, you were the absolute best around…hands down! And that same sensation comes through in your writing. It’s obvious if you put your mind to it, you Ms Jennie, can do anything. I want your autograph!!!
rob
November 5, 2011
I’ve been reading your posts for some time and have patiently waited for this moment to come. Not “wishing” it would come, just knowing it “would.” I think you are brilliant but wondered how you would handle it when it happened. I’m just so glad you’re handling it the way you are (which makes you more brilliant 🙂 I have to say Jennie, I do believe I’m in love with you (don’t tell Mr. Man:-) I hope you continued to handle all of your upcoming experiences with such grace and insight. I’m still looking forward to your book.
gs
November 6, 2011
an ex-porn star druggie an A student. phew if u were a “A” student u wouldnt have taken up drugs or porn in the first place..u woulda be graduated and highly successful too..not saying u werent in the porn industry..i knew of u b4 most ppl following you these days and i still think u were great on camera..but since this world is full of crappy ppl..i dont blame u for wanted to do something more enriching then fooling around with a camera and being ‘jerky’ hehe
yours truly,
okherewego6969@hotmail.com
fav movie- busty loads 2
business2070
November 6, 2011
23-year-old daughter Hillary Adams needed to come to dr drew life changers along with you to jennie will use her powers to heal her life someone speak out now & sibmit your videos to dr drew now to jennie ketcham will comfort her on dr drew! jennie ketcham tell Hillary Adams that we need to appear on dr drew life changers someone speak out now & sibmit your videos to dr drew now
so jennie ketcham ,Hillary Adams and her mom will see these videos on dr drew life changers on the CW do it now!
business2070
November 6, 2011
You should see this you tube video about hillary adams getting spanked at age 16 right now and come to dr drew along with hillary now Jennie will you comfort her on dr drew life changerson cw!
ms_smarty
November 8, 2011
I’ve followed your blog since your days in “Celebrity Rehab.” You have come so very, very far, Jennie. I was cheering for you then, and I’m cheering for you still! Go Jennie!!!
Your willingness to openly share details of your journey to becoming jennie is amazing. If you were able to read your posts, like we, as followers do, you, too, would be blown away by your accomplishments. You’re doing great!
In my opinion, as a recovering codependent, and a recovering workaholic, just the fact you “show up everyday,” demonstrates your commitment to your recovery. Well done!! All that hard work on yourself is paying off!!
In my recovery, I, too, struggle with my quest for perfection. I see many similarities in our paths. Reading your posts about grades, and acceptance strikes a chord in me. I’d like to share my experience with you.
When I signed up for law school, I was 36 years old, had 2 kids, and already had 10 years of legal work experience under my belt. The only reason I was in law school was to get that piece of paper that would allow me to cross the bar, stand before a judge, question the witness, and address the jury myself. I’d been writing the questions, the cross-examinations, the opening and closing arguments for attorneys all those years. But, I couldn’t stand in front of the “bar,” and “address” the court without a law degree – experience doesn’t count in the eyes of the American Bar Association.
And, so I told myself, as long as I pass, my grades don’t matter. You know what they call the person who graduates last in their law school class? A lawyer! Judges and juries, and clients, and other attorneys don’t care what your GPA was. All they care about is how well you tell your story. So, I was determined not to get worked up over my grades. A “C” was a passing grade, and that’s all I needed was a passing grade to get my piece of paper.
Oh, if it were that simple. Seriously, after all those years in grade school, junior high, and high school, hearing about getting the “good” grades, and how I was “expected” to get the highest grades, why did I honestly believe it was going to be that easy to just sit back, and accept anything less than A, ok maybe, a B? Well, I am reeeaallly good at denial – and so, off to school I went.
And, when I walked in the door, there were about 100 students, some of whom I recognized from the open house. I was doing ok, meeting all the other students, many at least 5 years younger, most nearly 10 years younger than me, before the first night in class (yes, I went to “night” law school). I later learned I was the 4th oldest in my class, but looked younger than most of the 27-28 year olds, so I didn’t get called “old lady,” until a few months into the year. But, I digress…
So, I’m sitting in class, thinking, “I can do this. I can take my “C,” and get through this.” Then, the law professor walked in, introduced himself, and announced the grading method in law school:
Classes are lecture only. There is no “homework,” no graded assignments, no quizzes or mid-term exams. There is only one test for each class, which is the final exam usually scheduled 5-10 days after the last night of lecture. That one exam is your entire grade for that class. That’s it. No chance to find out how the professor grades, or interprets answers, except for his response to questions during lecture.
But, wait, it gets better….
The professor then explained the grading scale – only 5% get an A, and 5% will get an F. No grading curve, no exceptions. If there are exceptions, the law professor is required to write a report to the law school board, and the Dean, justifying the reasons for granting an A to more than 5% of the class. And, not surprisingly, no law professor is going to do that.
I had the sudden, overwhelming urge to vomit. Or cry. or pass out. Or maybe all three. Through my panic-stricken haze, I heard others gasp, choke, cough, and whimper. All I could think about was the $18k student loan I just signed, and that I’m a HORRIBLE test taker, and I was going to flunk law school – right then and there. I was going to fail…..
During the first break, everyone was upset about the grading scale. Not surprisingly, in a room full of over-achievers, and valedictorians, and straight-A students, all of us had that sudden, overwhelming urge to puke, or cry, or pass out, or maybe all three. We were all paralyzed by the fear of being “average,” which really meant, “failure.” But, we all took solace in the fact that we were not alone – we would all get through this – together.
And, except for the 5% who got F’s, we did. Heck, I even got 2 Ds, and was still happy because I got the credit for the class, and still had a passing GPA.
I learned, the hard way, that being “average,” in college, was still way above average, to most people. I learned that *I* was the only one who was punishing me, and criticizing me, for not giving everything and everyone 110 percent every day. *I* was the ONLY one who viewed my acceptance into law school as something “anyone” could do. *I* was the ONLY one who viewed my driving 90 miles one way three nights a week to get to class after working 9 hours a day, and raising 2 kids, and managing a household, as something “anyone” could, and would do.
And, I learned, that even when I just showed up, at class, at work, and at home, I was still doing better, giving far more, learning far more, and achieving far more, than anyone else in my class. Many of my classmates told me that *I* was their inspiration to keep going. They said if I kept showing up, and driving, and working, and doing all I did to get through law school, they could, because they had fewer hurdles to overcome.
Thanks for allowing me to share my story.
So, I hope you, too, begin to see, and take credit for all you’ve accomplished, and give yourself credit for “showing up.” And, I hope you will also find a way to celebrate every day, every completed task, and recognize how “above average” you are.
Heck, just look at the statistics of those who continued to work on their recovery – just even in your group from Celebrity Rehab. The evidence speaks for itself – you are “way above average,” and part of a small minority who remain committed to attaining and maintaining their sobriety.
Your posts inspire ME to keep showing up, and stay focused on my journey, and my path to recovery.
My hope is that my comments inspire YOU, or, at the very least, I hope my “virtual” support is a little bit of sunshine on your path today.
Namaste.
CanadaPat
November 12, 2011
FANS AGREE :
WE NEED MORE JENNIE!!!
tartanshamrock
November 13, 2011
Jennie-
I have been reading your blog from the beginning, and I am so impressed with what you have done with your life. I too have returned to school, and while I am not taking the kind of classes that you are, I have found it a struggle to get back into the swing of studying, and taking online classes is a challenge I didn’t have last time around! Thank you for writing this post—I am glad that I am not the only one who expects to ace all tests and assignments and is disappointed when I don’t. If I had thought this way 25 years ago, I may have stayed in school and have gotten my degree then! Keep up the great work, and I can’t wait to read your book!
Gil
November 15, 2011
I once remember taking a test in my college algebra class. It was a Saturday morning class from 8am – 1pm.
I had studied really hard all week for that test day. I got the test, grabbed my trusty calculator, hammered out each equation, and was the first to finish the test. Thinking wow that was not so hard, only 5 problems.
The next Saturday when I got my test graded I noticed I got one problem wrong and got a D. What I did not notice was that there was 4 more problems on the back of the test and of course those were all checked the the red X on each problem. What I thought should have been at least a B turned into a D because I did not take time to check the front and back of my math test.
I hope my story put a happy spin on your exam. Hang in there Jennie!
william
November 17, 2011
Hi.
Just started reading your blog. Interesting. Im Alooking forward to reading the past posts.
I most definitely related to your woes with school. Its exciting. Hard work. If your anyting like me…in the 100 yard race… Im AWESOME for about 90 yards. With most things, I start out ON FIRE… Its finishing that requires real work, effort and determination.
I have a PHD in Forensic Psychology and recently decided to leave the profession and the transition is more than a little scary. 4 years at the University of Connecticut followed by 5 more years of full time graduate work here in California. My last semester at UCONN I took 21 units, was a counselor in a group home for troubled teens (God that was a hard job) and tended bar 4 nights a week (sober too… But thats another email). I was so stressed… I wanted to do everything perfectly and co sequently was stressd out of my.mi d and not enjoying life at all. Not good for a guy like me. Anyway…I recieved an email from my grandfather, who is coincidently a writer (which is what li want to do now as well) After reading your recent post… I thought i would pass it on to you.
“Hey Billy. I heard from your mom yesturday and reports your stressed and overwhelmed at school so i wanted to let you know to hang in there. The finish line is just ahead. After crossing it … Life will contnue on. There will be more learning, more tests, more deadlines, more of what you have right now. But you will be wiser. The tests will be different. Some will be easy … Others impossibly hard….and still others will have no correct answer!!! All one can do is the best you can with the tools you have and 99 times out of a 100, things work out exactly how there supposed to.
Thats my locker room…” go get em in the second half” motivational speech. Courtesy of my grandfather. Wish I had something more original….. LOL
Bill
becomingjennie
November 24, 2011
Bill,
Thank you so much for sharing such a special go get ’em speech. I wish my Grandaddy could send me one, and the fact that you’ve shared yours with me, absolutely makes my day. Thank you for the encouragement and advice about the loans as well. Free money is the best when it comes to education lol. I definitely needed that reminder. You rock.
(And go get ’em buddy!)
michael92105
November 19, 2011
Dear Jennie—Hey, where are you? How are you? I am hoping you’re finding your balance.
Sage Baker
December 25, 2011
You said “addicty”! I’m so gonna steal that word.
John doe
June 18, 2012
not entirely sure what this is all about. “Isn’t annonymity the spiritual foundation of all principles,” in 12 step recovery? Aren’t we supposed to practice humility? How is no longer doing something detrimental the average person doesn’t do, make someone a fountain of wisdom? If I slam my head against the door for years, then stop, does that mean I’ve overcome a huge obstacle in my life? Is your book a “living amends” for contributing to a taboo business, sometimes associated with ruining people’s lives? Is it a way to make ends meet? These are all rhetorical questions. I stumbled across this “blog” and will not check on following responses. Just stimulating a different stream of thought. It often puzzles me to see what it is people find inspirational. Some work their entire lives, sacraficing free time and their own opinion, to work for almost nothing, just to do what they think is right. You rarely here about those people, and it makes me sad. Take care, and good luck with your studies.