The close of the semester has come and gone, the finals, the stress, the slight cold that comes from my immune system shutting down in response to that stress… This month has already been a roller coaster ride of emotions, and because I haven’t had the time, or perhaps the emotional stamina to do so, I’ve yet to share any of the twists and turns, the peaks and dips, with all of you here. So here we are. Together. For the holidays.
Finals came and went, as they always do at the end of the semester. I feel confident that I’ve gotten As in all my courses, teetering in biopsych but I’ve worked so hard that a B+ is something I would not beat myself up over. I’m all signed up and ready for my classes at Cal State Northridge, and am excited and nervous to be back at a four year institution. I’m nearly done with the upper division gened stuff, and now, all that’s left is the psych stuff, which I love, and am thrilled to take.
I’ve decided to go to med school. It came off the tail feathers of a desire to get a PhD, which blossomed from a desire to go to grad school. I figure go big or go home. I spent eight years of my life participating in something that ultimately proved to be fairly unhealthy for me, mentally and spiritually, so another eight years (plus a few more) to become as fluent in the language of helping people shouldn’t be that hard. What’s ten years in the game of life. Really? Not much… It all goes so fast.
I will be pursuing Psychiatry, but am open to the experiences that will be provided by attending. Who knows… Maybe I will like working in Pediatrics. Maybe I will want to be a neurosurgeon. Maybe I’ll get to be the doctor that tells Kim Jong-un the heart issues are genetic and he should probably chill out on the test missiles. Who knows where we will be in ten years. I just pray that I am here, on earth, enjoying the beauties life has to offer.
The book has been Delivered and Accepted (D&A in book lingo), meaning it has passed through the lawyers, the editors, all the necessary hands. I’ve feel like I’ve been running up a giant mountain, with a hang glider attached to my back, approaching the ever daunting cliff of publication. All that is left to write now are the acknowledgements and thanks, which seem like an even bigger task than writing the book. So few people to make a porn, so many to make a book. They even sent me some sample pages, so I could approve the font and the indentations and that shit. It’s really amazing. It’s happening. The ball is rolling, I am no longer running, the cliff has come and gone.
A good friend of mine died the evening of December 9th. His name was Zach and he used to pick me up my freshman year in high school and we’d go get coffee before school. He would drink hot chocolate, never one for the hard stuff. He died after getting out of a taxi cab in Los Angeles, he dropped his wallet, and fell over. Went into cardiac arrest. The service has been postponed because his poor mother isn’t well. As if there weren’t enough on the family’s plate.
It comes in waves, the indescribable sorrow that accompanies any young and explanation-less death. He wasn’t a big drinker, wasn’t a user. Was just a good kid. He used to tell me not to smoke cigarettes, that it was bad for me. He once told me that he didn’t understand why I was in porn. That I had more in me than the industry could ever know. I had laughed at him, said thanks and tried to forget his words. Now, I hear them loud and clear. I see the sincerity in his eyes and wish I could thank him for saying that which all else were afraid to say. I miss him already.
I have grown weary of people dying.
I’d hoped it would stop when I began to form a healthy circle of friends. The problem here is that he wasn’t part of the unhealthy life. He was part of my childhood. The “good.” So sad. I will go to the bay when it is time for the service, rip of the bandaid that time is beginning to create, and mourn properly, with the friends and families that loved him. Until then, the roller coaster of unsure, the waves, the up, the down.
I wish you all happy holidays, may each day and each moment we remember how precious life is, how important our loved ones are, how dear each breath. Thank you all for sharing in this emotional recovery process with me.