As the year progresses on, I find myself overcome with the emotions that accompany great success, the great unknown, and a power greater than myself hard at work. If ever I have struggled with accepting that power as greater than myself – as I once did and hesitantly renamed it gravity – I now can count the coincidences in my life that have led to this moment to be sure that something much bigger and much more powerful than I could ever be is running this show. And thank goodness, because the pressure can be enormous and I’m simply not prepared for that kind of power anymore.
Not that I ever was… but… I certainly thought so.
In two days time I leave for Africa. I am flying to Namibia with my sister to meet with my father and take a vacation on the skeleton coast. It is called such because of the countless ships that have washed upon the shores due to the crazy waves and turbulent tides. We will also be going on safari, with elephants and giraffes and all, and I find baby hippos have made their way into my prayers each morning, even though I’ve yet to research whether or not this is a realistic animal to hope to see. And of course upon writing this I realize how easy it is to type “are there hippos in Namibia” into the search and boom, all of my questions are answered.
If only everything was as easy as a google search.
I am looking forward to experiencing the program in which I am active in a different country, and curious to see whether I meet another sober alcoholic/addict along the way – something that happens quite often once our eyes are open to the possibility. With a renewed commitment to sobriety and recovery, a commitment that began unfolding for me back in January, I am incredibly interested in what will happen on this trip. Highly sensitive to the times right now. An immense amount of action going on in my life.
I received my first two copies of the book three days ago. I’ve been crying since they arrived, not a “boohoo I hate this” crying but a “I can’t believe this is my life,” crying, a “I can’t stop crying giant tears of gratitude” crying. If someone had asked me four years ago where I saw myself today, well, it would not be here. Four years ago today, I was practicing a lifestyle that would not end well. I would still be fatherless. I would still be working (read: selling sex) in the industry. I would still be disconnected from myself and others. I would still be…. (fill in the blank). It never ceases to amaze me how much can change in our lives once we allow ourselves to take direction, risk the pain, and let go of everything we thought we knew/needed/wanted/had. I heard that forgiveness is merely the willingness to let go of the idea of how things once were. Three and a half years ago, I never would have imagined that today, I have the capacity to forgive myself for being human.
This morning, a man said that the best way to let go of old ideas is to do good things for other people. I find myself praying daily that my book does some good for someone else. I also find myself praying that I do not become attached to it’s outcome. I have done what I can. Now, prayer is the only way forward. The book is in someone else’s hands. Hopefully that someone can relate and find the strength needed to change.
With it’s publication looming on the horizon, I can see from every angle the ways in which I am blessed. I’m get to throw a release party and am going to be surrounded by people I love. My mom, Mr. Man’s parents, Snug’s mom and sister (who is my second mom and sister), all of these wonderful people are coming into town and there is no way that any of this would be my life without recovery. These are the rewards in full. These are the things I didn’t know I wanted because this is the life I didn’t know existed.
I am nervous. I am excited. I am (a little bit) afraid. I am in awe.
I am blessed.