I’m currently in the middle of a new 4th step and am once again bewildered by the fears that have come up. The first time around, I wrote them out and many of them were so irrational that I had to let them go. Of course, many of those irrational fears still loom above my head and heart like Eeyore’s gloomy little rain cloud and this past week, one of those rain clouds let forth a torrential flow of water that made it’s way directly into my mouth.
To be specific and to drop the figurative bullshit, I finally went to the dentist.
It’s been about seven years since I last went to the dentist. I wasn’t suffering from any pain, which in terms of my old thinking means it wasn’t time to make changes, but with the new outlook on life and with my feet securely planted in recovery, I don’t think I need to be feeling pain to shift my self. So I said, “Fuck it.” I hit up the dentist for a cleaning, knowing full well that the last molar on the left side of my mouth is in the process of crumbling and would need some serious work. What I didn’t figure was that it would need a root canal (my first, ever), and a little top hat they affectionately refer to as a crown. Whatever. I went. Did it. Have an appointment to get the crown next week.
When I went to the root canal man, I was under the assumption that he was the crown man. The secretary told me that she’d had two other emergency root canals that day and I laughingly told her that I would not be needing a root canal. Only the top hat. She said okay and let me speak with the doctor.
The doctor came in and gently told me that I would have to have my roots drilled out to keep the decay from infecting my head, to which I replied, “I’m a recovering alcoholic and I don’t want any sleepy stuff. I’m also already infected in my head. Mentally and physically different from my fellows.” He smiled and held my hand as I had a minor panic attack and shed a few tears for the fact that I would no longer be a root canal challenged young woman. I’ve had three cavities my whole life. I took a certain amount of pride in that. Like I was better than people who’d had root canals.
You know, it’s funny what happens when I spend money on myself. I have a ton of shame (still) about dropping large wads of cash into things I actually need, like root canals and windshield wipers, so when I began totaling up my mouthy expenses and it became apparent that I was about to drop nearly 4k in work, I started to get a little freaked out. That’s over two months worth of my financial budget, where I can easily live on 2k a month (as opposed to the 7k it took pre-2009!). Which means (in Jennie terms), I am two months shy of being homeless. I went from pride over facing the dentist to inflated ego over only having three cavities to panic about osteo-imperfections to sheer horror that I will be homeless two months. All of this took place in a matter of two days.
The truth is that all of my bills are paid. All of my bills will be paid next month, and the month after. I have never been homeless and I’m fairly certain that the only way I will end up homeless is if I start drinking again. Taking care of myself, in the form of dentistry, shots, physical exams, paps etc., will not be the cause of my ruin. In fact, these are things that big girls do all the time. It’s called “being a responsible adult.” I must remind myself that the underlying fear of homelessness may be rational if I am drinking and without home, but now, sitting in my backyard looking at the tomato plants and lime tree, homelessness is not happening to me. And I cannot fear the things that are not happening presently. That is just the deal I have to make with myself.
So fear. Fear is a good emotion if I am running from a lion or a man in a dark alley. However, fear is not a good motivator. Fear makes me more impulsive than I already am. Fear keeps me looking for an easy way out. Fear is a cheap date who gets drunk on bathtub gin and can’t remember from where it came.
I often hear that people are afraid of change. I think I’ve probably even said I’m afraid of change, or “I don’t like change,” or “change scares me,” or something of that sort. But I’m trying to think of life as a continuous spectrum and not as some stage-theory that moves step-by-step, chunk-by-chunk. Even before it began for me, it existed for others. And even as it ends for me, it will continue. I just occupy a little space on a long continuous spectrum. So why am I afraid of change? It happens instantaneously. Like when I paid the bill for the root canal. I was not afraid of the – perhaps – millisecond that it took to withdraw 2k from my bank account. I was afraid of what would happen two months after it, when I became homeless for taking care of and spending money on myself. Change is not scary. Fear is scary. The gradual and perpetual shifting of tectonic plates ensures that California doesn’t have a big earthquake. A bunch of tiny shifts so I don’t have to “do” a big change. But fear will prohibit me from being willing to shift, it will keep me rigid, it will keep me from getting my teeth cleaned for seven years and the end result will be a horseshoe shaped molar that needs it’s roots cleaned out. Fear will keep me sick.
“Today I am not afraid.
Today, I am okay.”
Jhoop
September 7, 2012
Isn’t it awesome to have real, normal problems? I mean that in a great way of course. You are living in the real world doing important things for yourself. Things that will only help you. You are the bomb!!
Botsal
September 7, 2012
Call around to see if there is a dental school around. They do the same work for 60% less and are fully supervised by the most skilled dentists around. Been using them for years.
RJ
September 7, 2012
Jennie, I LOVE the fact that you are taking care of yourself and that you posted a kick-ass NatalieDee.com comic (one of my favorites). Hugs to you and kudos for working the steps!
Pragmatic Realist
September 7, 2012
Here is a link to an article I use in one of my classes on the fear/stress reaction in your body.
http://science.howstuffworks.com/environmental/life/inside-the-mind/emotions/fear6.htm/printable
Almost all of it is physical. Learned habit reactions, glands pumping, etc. This is good because you can do something physical to counteract it. The key is getting into the parasympathetic nervous system which is the calming half of the nervous system. It works opposite to the sympathetic nervous system which is what is revving up the stress response.
You can do that by practicing mindfulness and calming by using your breathing mediation and relaxing exercises. You probably already know how to do this. I am sure you do because you seem to have dealt with this situation with the dentist very well.
“In breath”-“Out breath”
“Present moment”-“Beautiful moment”
Invisible Mikey
September 7, 2012
Beautiful. Taking care of the toofs is just like paying bills and eating well and exercise. Maintenance and diligence is putting your promise to take care of yourself into action. If it helps any, I’m scared to go to the dentist every time. And I go. And I tell myself, “This is what being a grownup means.” Love the little skeleton head!
cyclopath
September 7, 2012
Thank god you took care of your tooth. There is a huge positive correlation between ignored dental issues and heart disease. Please spend some time familiarizing yourself with them since there will be some decisions you will have to make regarding the reconstruction of that tooth.
Your fear is understandable and without droning on about it and its causes let me just say that in spite of how you are coping with the cost and sense of vulnerability, I have always seen you as strong and determined young woman. In fact since I have been following your progress, and that has been since the beginning, I have fashioned a mantra for myself for when I am paniced or feel threatened. My mantra is ” If Jennie can I can”. And by that I mean if you can deal with all the life changing forces you have undertaken in the last several years and continue to grow and prosper, so can I. Look at this fear as opportunity, take a life lesson from it and view a routine visit to the dentist as you would any other self-indulgence. It could just save your life.
I want to share a quote I came across recently;
An old Cherokee warrior told his grandson, “My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all.”
One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, and ego. The other wolf is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth.
His grandson thought for a while and asked, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?”
The old man replied, “The one you feed”.
Take care of yourself, your fans are counting on it. And remember, “If Jennie can, You can!”
Seven Echoes
September 7, 2012
Fear is a jerk.
It’s good you got the dentist trip taken care of; it’s important to work on things that could infect you, especially ones that live where your brain does. I’m actually gearing myself up for a dentist trip myself…I haven’t gone because I just haven’t been able to afford it. But soon! Soon.
It takes a person with their life together to make the distinction between fear and change, so kudos to you! I still am guilty of thinking change is why I stall on some projects. “Everything’s so different; I don’t know where to start.” But, like you said, change is constant. It’s the fear of the unknown that stalls people.
It’s good that you’re not getting bogged down focusing on what isn’t presently happening. I hope everything works out! And I hope your noggin feels ok. Teeth stuff just jellifies me to my core. Ugh.
mlucas1979
September 7, 2012
I love this post…I won’t go into all the “whys” and all the blah-blah comparisons, but I love your writing. It makes me smile. Hope your tooth is better. Have a great weekend!
calebdb8
September 7, 2012
You said,
“And I cannot fear the things that are not happening presently.”
So true. Over the last couple of years I have realized more and more that very often I live six months in the future. Afraid of what might happen six months down the road based on what reality is today. It is always easier said than done to live in today. One day at a time sounds easy sometimes. The program is easy to understand but difficult to implement into everyday life.
Keep on keeping on.
foofoo5
September 7, 2012
By rights, you should shut my shit down fast – forest for the trees – I’m telling you.
So I’m taking this short course for writers with dyslexia – don’t ask – and this annoyance of a human being sits down next to me to inquire, “So, what good authors are you reading lately?” When I’m done maddoggin’, “Jennifer Ketcham,” sez I, “and if you’d like her to speak at your event, call (866)…” Today, I begin the morning with a call from a friend (the only psychiatrist at SDSU, by the way) when “ding!” says the iPhone, and guess who is in my mailbox! Now, I’m feeling good about this – maybe sold a copy of her book, perhaps a recovery-themed bar mitzvah speech! 4th step, fear, teeth, I’m with you…
Let me tell you what I’m thinking: we are approximately, what, two, two and and a half hours separated from one another, correct? I swear it’s for the better. Why? You’re killing me over here. First it was “release the kraken,” now it’s “bathtub gin.” WTF! I’ve heard the expression, but seriously, “Fear is a cheap date who gets drunk on bathtub gin.” Have I been living under the mistaken impression that gin is a distilled product – heat, vapor? I’m sitting in the class saying, “Well look at that, you’re a reasonably well educated guy, just dyslexic.” No, Ms. Ketcham seems insistent on pointing out – from 2-2.5 hours away – that I am a dumbass. And, by God, she’s on to something…
Finally, lest you assume in me anything worse, allow me to take this home: fear is the purview of the (Class? “Autonomic nervous system.” Excellent class!) which does, in fact, enable you to remove yourself from lions. But, it is also precipitates the release of norepinephrine, allowing me to confidently raise you from the stage in a ballet lift so delicate and graceful that Mr. Man is brought to tears. My wife, however, is heard to exclaim, “Maybe with a little more norepinephrine, he can confidently fold the laundry.” Today I tried not to be a dumbass.
chicostephenson
September 7, 2012
Fear is a big one to get over. A lot of people think I have no fear of anything which is SOOO not true. I learned this “fake it til you make it rule” from my Dad. (I think he stole it from a politician.) Basically, it means that no matter how afraid you are, just hold your head up take a deep breath and dive in and swim. It’s always better to face your fear. If i didn’t face my fears i’d be like that Monk character from TV; scared to leave the house. Besides, fear plays tricks on your mind. I found that out too. After I fake it til I make it, I look back on what I had done and realize that it wasn’t nearly as bad as my mind made it out to be.
If nothing else remember. Once upon a time you were afraid to walk or ride a bike or go to elementary school. And now look. You’re walking a good path. Keep walking.
michael92105
September 7, 2012
Dearest Jennie: I don’t know what to say…you continue to blow me away with so many things you write about. In one of my last replies I mentioned how “unsettled”, although I think I used the words “a mess” my career is right now, so I am right with you on this fear thing.
I keep telling myself (with some resistance) the things I’ve been told a million times like “I’m right where I’m supposed to be”, “look at your feet that’s where you are”, “stay in today”, “God gives me what I need, not what I want”, “courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the ability to walk through it”, “if I just do the next right thing I’ll be okay, it’s when I imagine what might happen when I do it, that’s when I get into trouble” and of course my favorite, “Face Everything And Recover”, whereas it used to be “Fuck Everything And Run”.
It’s endless…
Remember in step 3 where we “made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to THE CARE of God as we understood him”, there’s an inherent promise that God does care for us. All these things help me.
Isn’t it good to know you are not unique and not alone? You and I will be fine. God didn’t carry us this far to abandon us.
PS. I hate the dentist too.
Thank you my friend.
followtheleaderagain
September 7, 2012
yeah.. Welcome to my world. Be thankful you only had 3 cavities in your life. They need to be replaced every ~10 years. Doctors made a lot of money off of me, and come to find out I’m fructose intolerant and those people don’t get a lot of cavities cause they can’t take a lot of high sugar foods, but the first time I went to the dentist, BAM 4 cavities. Yeah hun, sorry, but having an irrational fear like that will disable you. It’s the rational ones that are most crippling, though. Just gotta remember that you are worth it.
As a test of just how much you do for yourself, why not try living like someone in India for a month? Pay for your rent (necessities), give yourself a severely reduced budget for food (I know california is expensive, but let’s say, 200/mo for food for just you, maybe?) and don’t spend a dime on yourself. Nothing – no new clothes, no coffees, no eating out. Anything you want, make it at home. Really, you don’t have to do any of this. You can probably just think back to the time when you were riding the bus everywhere and working at an upscale coffee bar. Yes, I remember that. We humans pamper ourselves a lot and we don’t even know it. I know a man that will blow several hundred dollars in an instant (no self-control, total impulse) on say, new tools or a leather jacket, and then discard it in 6 months or give it to his kids. That’s on top of his extravagant budget for everything else – and he says he’s poor! He’s always worried about money. From the sounds of it, though, you know the value of a dollar better than some at least.
Do you know why wedding and engagement rings were invented? I mean, other than the sappy and spiritual/visual connotations. The diamond ring is said to be there in case the family encounters serious economic hardships – the ring can be sold/pawned for the equivalent of 3-6 months’ salary. If a man cheats, she can choose to keep the ring, so it’s also a sort of insurance policy in case of infidelity. I guess what I’m saying is, it’s always good to have some extra padding in the bank account and a couple extra cans in the pantry. But yeah, some people refuse to even buy underwear for themselves, or a new bra. Take care of yourself, or let mr man take care of you more. Guilt is a horrible, crushing thing. Feeling guilt for a second is good, keeps your motives in check and helps you to change – letting it linger is the boulder on your chest.
Wish you all the best with your fears. I’m just glad you have been so successful dealing with your past, that now you can carry on to the normal, less important stuff in life. Honestly, deep down, don’t you feel really jealous of people that talk about their “problems” that you know are miniscule in comparison? I’m jealous of those people. Keep it real
JC
Paul C.
September 7, 2012
Jennie, I don’t know if you’re familiar with the novel “Dune” by Frank Herbert. One of the many groups of characters in the novel (and subsequent series of sequels and prequels) was the Bene Gesserit, a sisterhood whose members underwent extensive and dangerous physical and mental training. In times of extreme peril they kept themselves focused with an incantation called the “Litany Against Fear”:
“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing……Only I will remain.”
Keep this in mind when you have your preparation for the crown (this from someone whose mouth is largely made of metal from many years of such preps, some more than once on the same tooth). Or at any other time things seem to be overwhelming.
Stay present and stay happy…
Kelly
September 7, 2012
Hey Jennie. I had a root canal a couple of years ago and I only have 2 cavities. It was the front tooth and they gave me temporary one before the final one that would not stay in. I looked like a redneck. My wife Karen cant even walk into the dentist office without crying so i feel your pain so to speak. But I know what you mean about change. I HATE IT!! Even when it’s good change it messes with my head. I’m a veterinary tech and at my job things change daily and it drives me crazy. I just try to be aware of how I react and make the best of it. Fear is even worse for me. My first reaction to any bad or negative emotion like fear is anger. I look pissed off. Anger is such an easy emotion for me to feel it always comes up first to cover up the feeling that I’m actually feeling. I’ve had to learn to stop and take a moment to ask myself why am I angry, what am I really feeling (usually fear). It’s hard for me to meet people for the first time because I’m shy and when I’m nervous I look mad when I’m not and I’m so in my head trying to tell myself to look friendly that I don’t remember anyone’s name or what they said. But it gets better with practice. I’m a lot better now than I used to be. Can you set up a payment plan at the dentist? That may help with finances. You can also wait a little longer to get the perminent (spelling? sorry really bad at it) tooth so you can save up the money. Check with dentist to see how long you can go. There is also something called Care Credit. Not sure if you have that in CA. It’s like a credit card but the first 6 months is interest free so if paid off in time no exra money spent. That’s how we pay for the dentist when we go. It also works at most vet hospitals also, I know we have it but I live in New England so may be different there.
Just a small note- I called my stepmom and it went awesone!! I guess my dad made her promise that if we ever got in touch with here that she would help us any way she could. Will be meeting up with her in a couple of weeks. Never would of happened if I hadn’t read your book. Seriously!!!! Thank you!!
becomingjennie
September 8, 2012
wonderful that you called her! So proud and honored to witness the beginning of this healing! Amazing!
Max
September 7, 2012
Nothing to say, other than, while you’re writing I’ll keep listening.
anonymous
September 7, 2012
great post!!!
Brian Wallace
September 7, 2012
I’m not sure if you already paid for your dental work but I believe there’s something called “Care Credit” that some dentists have where it’s like a credit card, but it is interest free for two years or maybe longer. I had to have some dental work done and I wouldn’t have been able to without that option. I don’t work for them or anything. Just a possible option.
Also, in your post you said something about fear making you look for any easy way out. Well, what you’ve done so far took a lot of guts. You’ve certainly not taken “the easy way out.” So there may be some struggles but I think there’s a lot of people pulling for you. You’ll make it. You’re talented. It’s going to be so cool to see what you have to offer next. I’m excited to see what you come up with.
Have a great weekend. Be safe,
Brian Wallace
becomingjennie
September 8, 2012
Thanks Brian. I hadn’t heard of the Care Credit but I figure I have the money now so I should just get it over with and pay for it now. Money will continue to be in my life. Teeth will not if I don’t pay for them! Ack! But this is a good resource for the future should anything more need to be done. Thank you.
Botsal
September 8, 2012
Care credit is a trap. Basically they give you a interest free period then when it runs out you have to pay very high interest, around 20% if I recall correctly. Dental schools are a much better option.
maxdwolf
September 8, 2012
Maybe it’s changed, but Care Credit was not interest free fro me. Because of my lousy credit I was paying 25% interest right from the start. YMMV
salmacis99
September 7, 2012
Jennie, as always, great post. And good luck with all the Dental stuff- I’ve been through it all-braces for four years, root canals (TWO in fact- the second to fix the botched first one!), all wisdom teeth removed, cavities, the whole shooting match! You’ll be fine, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you anyway 🙂
spikeysnack
September 7, 2012
A new piece of technology in your mouth requires new skills and new tools. Also I must tell you that I have had three Root Canals in my life, and the first one lasted 5 years, the next six months, the last a little over 2 years. then each tooth (which are now dead or basically zombified) became brittle and cracked and had to be pulled. That is me, though. Perhaps Science will perfect the cloning of teeth in a few years and that will make dentists heroes again. It would be nice to have live teeth just the right size put in place of the old ones, I think. I hope.
kat
September 7, 2012
you inspire me. wish i could write you my story and how i think your book finally pushed me to be honest in therapy.
becomingjennie
September 8, 2012
I love this Kat! You absolutely can write me your story. And I am glad you’ve started to work on the hard stuff in therapy. Honesty is hard. But it becomes easier as we practice.
kat
September 10, 2012
Where can I write you? I’d leave a comment but I don’t want everyone seeing it! I actually told the truth to my new therapist…I was a sobbing mess but I can’t believe I did that.
becomingjennie
September 16, 2012
sobbing is only messy if we wear mascara that is not waterproof. 😉
write me at becomingjennie@gmail.com
and good for you~ you start letting yourself feel the feelings and talk about what’s behind them, you make room for more of the good feelings that you so deserve.
Stewart Forgie
September 8, 2012
Fear will only keep you sick if you let it. You have to start thinking about what you really deserve rather than what you think you aren’t worthy of Jennie. I think a lot of your fear and reluctance to spend on yourself even when needed, may stem from a lingering feeling of shame and low self worth which is in itself a throwback to your previous life.
It can become all to easy to think other people and things are more important and deserving when in reality they are not. They are only equally important. Not more important and that is a crucial distinction to draw.
Start to look after yourself as though you were looking after a little child and you will be able to beat a lot of those feelings. Look after that inner child who sits atop this page!
If you can start to do that then everything else will fall into place. Anyway, Mr Man is never going to let anything happen to you so stop worrying lol. Just keep sharing with him so you are both always singing off the same page.
david
September 8, 2012
When I read your blog, I can tell your a girl in transition. Your doing really well… I think you need, and deserve, to hear that more often.
becomingjennie
September 8, 2012
Thank you David.
david
September 8, 2012
Your very welcome. I like how your not giving up, that you are trying to not only recondition your life, but your mind as well… although this is an obvious observation the fact that you are not giving in and running at the your first rough circumstance points towards your inner strength; you have the strength that is required to succeed.
I think this needs to be stated and recognize.
Most people at the first moment, tend to run from a situation that doesn’t have a gentle course or a conclusion that doesn’t go their way.
I wanted to ask you something though. You have a very natural style and your not afraid to lay on the table your thoughts or emotions. What I wanted to know is if you dictate your posts to someone who then edits the content, or if you have a ghost writer who assists, or if you just simply sit down and write your material?
I know you have a life, so respond when you can.
Earl
September 8, 2012
Glad you got the dental work done. I laughed when I read the “infected in my head” comment. Thanks for sharing.
jeff and betsy
September 8, 2012
You are such a nice person, i wish we could be your friends. jeff and betsy
becomingjennie
September 8, 2012
so sweet! xo
bishoplong
September 8, 2012
Jennie: Yes I use to live in fear but you can replace fear with hope. I am pulling for you. bishoplong
Jason Dubin
September 8, 2012
Im currently on my fourth step and just made a decision to see the dentist. My teeth feel great, but its been longer than 7 years for me. I am fearing the root canal thing as Ive always prided myself on my oral hygiene. Thanks for your post. No fear now, of whatever happens….tip the hat of step three too.
Jessica
September 8, 2012
Hi, Jennie. I can relate, when I just moved to Vancouver, I had a dental infection and it costed me $1500. I did it. You won’t get a new set of teeth growing, so we need to take care of what we have.
Sheridan
September 8, 2012
Jennie,
I just wanted to say thank you. I am currently reading your book and every chapter pushes me to continue in my sobriety. I am 17 days clean and sober. I relate to so much that you say and it makes me feel like I am not alone. It makes me want to write a book, something i never thought I was capable of doing in the past. It made me start a blog today so I could throw my crazy thoughts down on some form of paper lol. Having said that I just wanted to say thank you. They say AA is to teach the newcomers, and you have completely taught me.
Sheridan ❤
becomingjennie
September 8, 2012
You will get to do plenty of writing in the program my friend! Keep it up, congrats and can’t wait to trudge this road of happy destiny with you.
Sheridan
September 8, 2012
Thanks Jennie!Keep up the good work, amd keep your head held high.
quicksilver0225
September 8, 2012
Jennie, I really appreciate your transition as I’ve been going through a transition myself, it seems like for about three years, ever since I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. I don’t particularly want to describe the symptoms here since they’re pretty gruesome (look it up if you’re interested), but it has been hell for me. The only way to “cure” the disease is to cut out the entire colon and use part of the small intestine to make a new colon then hook that up. While healing from the initial surgery, one is required to have a ileostomy bag (similar to colostomy bag, but connected to the small intestine). Due to a complication that resulted from the initial surgery, I had to have the pouch for a year and a month (just recently had it reversed).
For a long time I had some pretty bad bouts of depression. At the lowest, I was imagining driving my car into something at high speed at the prospect of being a 27/28 year old with an ileostomy bag for the rest of his life. That obviously scared the living hell out of me. Luckily, earlier this year, I was able to speak to one of my surgeon’s colleagues and got answers to my questions and concerns and I was finally able to relax. However, having the bag for so long, I became comfortable with it (even though I couldn’t lift heavy things at work or the like). Now that I don’t have the bag anymore, I’m having to go through another transition and it’s tough and scary again. I know it will end… sometime in the future, but that struggle in the meantime is frightening and difficult.
So, I can empathize and sympathize with your struggle with change. 2009 (UC diagnosis, blood clotting disorder diagnosis) is when my life changed for the worst, but I’ve gotten through them as best as I could by accepting the change and dealing the best that I can with a care-free attitude and taking it all in stride. I realized a long time ago that pitying myself does absolutely no good. However, picking myself up, taking care of myself the best that I can, and a care-free, bubbly attitude are really the only things I need to do to get through the difficulties ahead of me. Oh, and a few trusted people I can talk to. I need them, too.
david
September 8, 2012
I read your post and just wanted to comment.
Beliefs and attitudes will either support a person or destroy them. I know I am not telling you anything new, it’s just great that you recognize that fact.
Lot’s of people just give up, you are obviously not a of those.
I just wanted to recognize that element in your life and affirm and tell you that your handling everything really well.
I would like to see you, and encourage you, to keep expressing these thoughts to other people. Your mindset is infectious, not only will it propel yourself, but it will also help others… which is the greatest gift you can give a person.
Keep going.
quicksilver0225
September 9, 2012
Thanks, David.
travelingb
September 9, 2012
i do have constant fear when change happens (for good reason). In the past, as change was occurring whether self induced or naturally, fear would spin me totally out of control. Which didn’t lead to homelessness, as I was already homeless and had been for years, it lead to poor choices and more drugs. With the change of country, friends, mindset, and courage I began to slowly and carefully maneuver through with change without the damaging effects of fear. I felt proud and strong being able to do this (I have work well over 15 years on this). Although, just last week a sudden occurrence happened that is/was a huge change, that I had absolutely no control over, death. I crumbled. I fell off the wagon and stayed doped for days, wallowing in my misery and isolating. Today I woke to read this and see it’s time to get off that train and step back into reality. Fear is such a big part of my being and constantly tries to control me. It is an unhealthy friend that I don’t wish to play tug-o-war with anymore. Change will happen whether you want it to or not and rather than be fearful, it’s worth trying to flow with it. Again thank you for your post and helping me gather my thoughts to be able to come out of the fog.
becomingjennie
September 9, 2012
Welcome back. xo
Dadman
September 9, 2012
Read the book thanks. Don’t fall into the trap of having to hit rock bottom, to gain valuable insights, from others. This mornings Parade mag with. Katie Couic seems applicable “Life. Is a series. Of reboots”. Be well
davy
September 9, 2012
I’m a guy and more of a pussy than you. I absolutely loathe needles. So much so that I had 3 root canals on molars at one sitting with no anesthetic whatsoever. And every tooth had 3 or 4 roots. Yet every year I manage to screw up enough courage to get a flu shot. The fear comes and goes. Go figure.
L.C.
September 9, 2012
Dear Jennie,
I like the Eeyore analogy, what a great character to choose as a symbol or others being responsible for your feelings of well being. Others and other things of course may be a stimulus for; elation or Eeyore type gloom — but they are never the cause. The cause resides in us and we have control over that. Something Eeyore never seems to realize although I guess his friends were eternally trying to live their lives as self-responsible for their own dispositions. At least that is my understanding of what you are trying to say from your imagery.
What caught my eye also was this, “Of course, many of those irrational fears still loom above my head and heart like Eeyore’s gloomy little rain cloud…” In particular these words, “irrational fears”. I would argue differently in that no fears are irrational. They are simply manifest of something that is significant and worthy of triggering alarm in the body. I say body because fear is usually felt somewhere in our bodies much more so than it tends to be manifest in our intellect.
People often express fear at the top of steep snowboard slope, and it is manifest in their intellect by saying things like, “I should not be afraid.” “I should be able to overcome this and go down like those other people are doing creating linked turns in the fall line.” Bullshit! We all know when fear lodges in our body, as tension it makes in even more unlikely we can perform as we normally would. So fear is not irrational — it is the intelligence of self-preservation.
I would venture to say; it is what we do with fear, that makes fear dangerous. Makes fear unwelcome.
“Overcoming fear” is simply hiding it, a dangerous action. But I think, “Overcoming fear” is the expression people use when the go through a process of astutely analyzing what needs are not being met and seeking do-able strategies that meet those unmet needs right them.
So as an intermediate snowboarder who has fear on a steep black diamond, one might rationally say it is that moment when I start a turn and commit to the new edge that I don’t even have the confidence to do it on blue slopes, therefore I know it is very unlikely I can do it on this steep. So it is not the steepness of the slope that builds my fear it is my confidence in my self to turn when it may be life or death.
It would be “irrational” to “overcome” this logical physical turning mechanic and head into the fall line thinking, “Oh I will just turn as I am really not afraid of steeps.”
On the other hand it is “rational” to say, “Oh I can traverse slowly across this wide glorious California expanse of mountain and when I come to the rocks at the far side, stop sit down and flip my board the other direction and traverse again.” Or simply stand up one heal edge enjoy the view and the exposure to steepness as you sideslip directly down the fall line. If exposure unnerves you, use the toe edge and face the mountain, hug it when fear causes you to tense up.
Sounds to me like you told us a story about doing just that in the dentist’s chair. Was that it? If so Bravo if not what was it? And then Bravo! Be safe, find the needs unmet when fear wells up and seek strategies to meet those specific needs, don’t “overcome fear” that would be irrational, Good luck, Kid, LC
michael92105
September 9, 2012
Life is a bowl of Jennies. Hope you are enjoying your weekend.
Rich
September 9, 2012
Hi Jennie,
That reminds me, I need to schedule a dentist appointment for myself. I’ve been procrastinating for a few months already. But it’s good that you took care of things now. Getting a root canal today is better than an extraction six months from now. As for the finances, I don’t know of what kind of relationship you have with your dentist but it never hurts to talk to him or her frankly about it, even if it’s just a matter of working out payments rather than a lump sum. I remember years ago, I was unemployed and out of health insurance. As it turned out, I ended up getting sick, a nasty cold that worked its way down into my lungs. I tried to ride it out at home with lots of tea, orange juice and chicken soup. But I figured that most potential employers wouldn’t appreciate me hacking in their faces during job interviews, so I finally broke down and went to my doctor. I don’t even remember how the subject had come up during the visit, but I only mentioned in passing that I was unemployed and paying out-of-pocket. He ended up charging me half price for the visit, and gave me a pack of free promotional samples of the antibiotics, saving me the cost of getting the prescription filled. My doctor was under no obligation to do that. But that little bit of kindness really helped—in more ways than one. So, you never know. Even in small ways, people can surprise you sometimes, in the best ways imaginable.
It sounds like we share the same affliction when it comes to fear: the tendency to project huge, disastrous outcomes onto situations that may or may never happen. I’m getting better about it as the years go by, but it’s always been a big weakness of mine; I’m not what you’d call a positive-thinking person by nature. At least I’m getting a little bit better at that though, too, with time. The thing that I’ve found is that fears—at least, existential fears like these—loom largest from a distance. It’s like watching a thunderstorm gather on the horizon. The sky goes from pale to grey, to gunmetal, to black. The wind starts to pick up, you see flashes of lightning in the clouds, and the first few drops of rain start to fall. But once the storm is on top of you, the sky doesn’t look nearly as ominous as it did from a distance. And all that you’re left with is a lot of pissing rain. And if there is storm damage, at least you can start putting together a smarter, less panic-based plan as to how to start the cleanup and fix what needs to be fixed.
Pardon my speaking in metaphor; it’s the German in me coming out.:-) But in simplistic terms at least, I’ve come to see dealing with fears in that way. Life will continue to keep throwing things at you. The difference is that, the more time and experience that you accumulate, the better equipped you become at taking these situations as they come. And also, at differentiating what’s worth sweating bullets over and what’s not. It looks like you’re already discovering that, and that’s good. That’s progress.
And I’ll echo what David had written earlier. You are doing really well. It’s plain to see.
Take care,
Rich
becomingjennie
September 16, 2012
I read this post right before I went to get my temporary crown, and had told the girl at the front that I couldn’t afford a mouth guard (I’m a teeth grinder) and all the work… For some reason, I didn’t think what you had experienced with the doctor’s kindness would transfer to me out here. Anyway, when he came in and asked if it was true that I couldn’t afford the mouth guard (an additional 600!) I nodded, ashamed, and he said that he will set me up on a payment plan and knocked a few hundred off the visit.
I suppose the whole Hippocratic oath extends beyond doing no harm.
And I love the metaphorical language, the thunderclouds in the distance, the storm damage recovery lessons. It’s good. Thank you.
Perhaps it’s my German roots 😉
Brigwyn
September 10, 2012
Fear is an interesting feeling. Being one that suffers from an over abundance of anxiety, at this moment in time I typically look at fear more as an enemy than an ally.
But reading how you’ve managed to conquer many of your irrational fears you’re giving me hope that over time I’ll be able to manage mine as well.
Good luck with your latest Step 4 and bless you for being there for all of us.
becomingjennie
September 16, 2012
You absolutely will be able to use fear as an ally, or at least be able to view it as the inhibitory emotion that it can be. This overabundance of anxiety you mention will indeed be conquered if you hold onto that attitude. Not only will you be able to manage. You can overcome. You will overcome. One fear at a time 😉
Hoosier
September 11, 2012
Well written, as usual. I have some personal circumstances that have prompted similar worries. I hope I can face them as courageously (and rationally) as you. Enjoyed the cartoon. Literally true, of course (perhaps figuratively, as well). Now, have you ever had orthodontia or your wisdom teeth extracted (you don’t necessarily lose your wisdom when that happens…)?
becomingjennie
September 16, 2012
You will face them as courageously and rationally as I! You put it into the universe and go forth.
And years of braces and all four wisdom teeth extracted left me believing that I needed to be gassed to undergo dental work. Turns out a few shots of a local and a little vibrating head is just as easy and I can drive myself home after it’s all said and done.
DG
September 14, 2012
Hello again. I stumbled into your shared life a while ago, while I was searching for videos of Penny Flame. If memory serves you were just starting on your book. Anyway, I found your posts funny, sad, and inspirational. Mostly inspirational, and I started my own recovery. Sadly, for some reason I wondered off, I don’t know why, and I acted out over and over and over again. I’m tired now. I’m tired of being tired. Somehow I’ve wondered back, damn higher power. I’m glad you’re still here. Kudos on the book, I’ll have to get me a copy. Posts are still inspiration, and now it seems somewhat fearful. Somewhere along your travels, someone may have suggested Susan Jeffers book, Feel the Fear…and Do It Anyway. If not, let me be so bold as to suggest it. Thank you, and keep up the great work. Day 1.
becomingjennie
September 16, 2012
Welcome back friend. We are here for you no matter what.
DG
September 21, 2012
No matter what. Thank you. Tomorrow I’m going to go to an anonymous meeting I used to go to every Saturday for 2 or 3 years. Before I wondered off and acted out over and over for the last year or so. I love the meeting, first hour is step study, the second hour is checking in. There may be one or two folks that remember me, but most won’t, but I will be welcomed, hugged, like an old friend no matter what. No judgement about what I’ve done, no questions about where I’ve been. Just love and acceptance. Thank you for your support. Great 12th step work. Thank you. DG Day 6
david
September 30, 2012
have you ever done your twelve steps completely…? It is amazing journey into your soul that is propelled by your motivation to change. I would like to see you not only work on your twelve steps but to say something, anything to could contribute to another person who is in a similar circumstance. Even saying something as little as “I don’t know what I am doing, nor am I where I want to be, but I know what I should be doing, and this for a change is that…”
Use your own words obviously… I find people always suffer, it’s those that actually speak that have a chance to leave their suffering behind.
keep going champ.
becomingjennie
October 3, 2012
Thanks David! I have worked the 12-steps, and am currently re-working them (and not in that “continued taking inventory” kind of way but in the “new sponsor, start at one” kind of way). I find that the first, and most important step, is the one I failed to work best my initial go at step-work, which explains some of the struggles I’ve faced this year.
But I am in the middle of my 5th, finished reading the resentments portion to my sponsor and had to reschedule (shit was mad thorough ahah) to finish the fears and sex inventory.
I recently started writing for RenewEveryday.com, contributing once a month (second Monday of each month) and am taking a go at my steps there as well. I’d love your feedback as I go along!
DG
October 15, 2012
Dear Jennie,
Another post just for you, if that’s okay. So, it’s been a month, and this blog, and your book have had a hand in that. Thank you. Now, about this fear thing, so, I have the aforementioned book by Susan Jeffers, it was given to me by a friend when I was plagued by panic attacks. I never read it (honestly I shouldn’t have suggested you read it, sorry), and my panic attacks seemed to go away when I started acting out. Now that I’m not acting out, the panic attacks aren’t back, but I seem to be crippled by fear now. An, am I worthy fear. Fear that I am not worthy of another’s attention unless I pay for it. Fear that I will never meet anyone. Fear that I will die alone. I am afraid to meet anyone. I am afraid to do the things that will enable me to meet someone. These are totally irrational fears that my mind seems to be able to rationalze into it being okay to pay for a female’s companionship. As if this is the only way I will ever be able to be with a woman. I got myself a new sponsor, and he is going to help me through this 4th step stuff once and for all. I am worthy. I keep telling myself that I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy. I gotta believe it, I gotta feel it, I am told. I do wish you all the best as you go through your steps again. EGBOK. Take care, DG
becomingjennie
October 16, 2012
There is no “once and for all” unfortunately when it comes to step work, and especially, the 4th. It gets smaller, and more focused on the real problems (I believe), but for the most part these things will be with us for the remainder of our lives, as with our character defects. However, we are aware of them and can take action to offset them.
Perhaps work with your sponsor on ways to address specific fears? I must take daily action to ensure that I am not living in fear. Whether it’s putting a dollar in the basket (fear of economic insecurity), or expressing my love for another (fear that I myself will not be loved), there are things we can do to help us live in faith instead of fear.
Remember, you are never alone.
DG
December 1, 2012
Hello again. So I was at my therapist’s the other day, and he tells me I suffer from social anxiety disorder, which is totally true, I am terrified of woman, and find solace in fantasyland (i.e., escorts, strippers, and internet porn). Anyway, he also tells me I should read Susan Jeffers book Feel the Fear…and Do it Anyway. The same book I hadn’t read but suggested you do to deal with your fears. So, irony or higher power? Either way, I got the book down, dusted it off, and well, we’ll see what happens. I’ve been out of fantasyland for a while now, but I keep wondering around outside the gate, looking through the bars. Take care. Always enjoy your shares. Thank you.
DG
Charlotte
September 14, 2012
Fear controls my life. Well, it used to, but I’m working on it and I’m gradually getting to a place where it doesn’t as much. Like you said, just gotta take it day by day and not fear the future. But it’s a lot easier said than done! 😦
You should be proud for doing things for yourself! It takes guts to go out of your comfort zone and just face things you’ve put off for years.
I love following your journey and feel I can relate to so much of what you say. Keep it up! Big hugs x
becomingjennie
September 16, 2012
Hugs right back at you sister…
Eaeme
September 16, 2012
A great post and your supportive and appreciative replies as usual are grand. Some levity on fear: A couple somehow was taking the wife’s mother on a safari. During one night the roars of a lion were heard. They checked the mother-in-law’s tent and she wasn’t there. They went out to look for her and spotted her standing at a tree with the lion some distance away. The wife pleaded, “What can we do?” The husband answered, “I don’t know, I guess the lion will just have to fend for itself.”
And a little history: Financial fear was the national threat in the grim depth of the worst depression when Franklin Delano Roosevelt was elected. The most memorable, probably only known, quotation from his first inaugural address in 1933 (see http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/5057/) is, “. . . the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
I think you have fear cowering in a corner – keep it right there.
becomingjennie
September 16, 2012
great story and quote. Thank you!
david
September 30, 2012
There will always be periods where people will experience times when they are not as mentally strong, this is called being human, being hard on yourself is not something we were born to do.
theduffboy
March 12, 2014
Reblogged this on Duffboy and commented:
Wondering how much of the “responsible adult” I have in me.