Sick sick sick. Ugh. So sick that I couldn’t muster the strength to write the Friday post, which induced shame for not fulfilling my commitments. Which incited guilt about “taking it easy” and “not pushing too hard,” which inspired exhaustion and led me to sleeping on the couch all day.
Being a human is very difficult when you convince yourself you are capable of super human strength. Setting myself up for failure.
I don’t think it’s self-handicapping. I don’t think I set myself up to fail like I just said I did. In fact, I feel like I should erase that. But I never erase anything from here, save the occasional poisonous comment from x-fans/hate-mongers. I don’t want to think about them right now.
We’ve been learning in my social psychology class about independent people and dependent people. Remove the Americanized connotations, the juxtaposition of the two types of people is interesting because it reveals more about my tendency to become sick than I thought a social psych class would provide. For independent person, with high levels of self-complexity (i.e. multiple selves with multiple people and little overlap of the differing selves, but not Dissociative Identity Disorder), stress does not predict sickness. However, for an individual such as myself, with low levels of self-complexity (I am the same self with everyone and thus have lots of overlapping selves), stress predicts sickness. It’s hypothesized that the independent person can better compartmentalize the stress and it doesn’t infect every area of her life. Compartmentalization, for me, is a destructive tool that I use to disconnect from feelings, people, life, and because I’ve yet to understand a healthy way to compartmentalize an emotion (such as stress), the first two weeks of (recovery work plus) school, work, internship, relationship, family, life, blahblahblah, has rendered me a congested, hurting, wheezing, sniveling, exhausted mess.
Which is just fine.
In fact, it happens once a year, usually Fall Semester, when I try to take on “all this shit,” and don’t account for the fact that last year, when I tried to take on “all this shit,” the exact same thing happened. Doing the same thing and expecting different results. One day I’ll learn. Maybe.
Needless to say, I am yet again confronted with my own humanity and in awe of the body’s capacity to crumble and rebuild. Yesterday, I was fairly certain that I would feel this way forever, which social psychology has taught me is due to affective forecasting, or our tendency to overestimate the duration and intensity of future emotions/feelings. Today, gross and joyful, the mucus is coming and I feel like Jennie Revere is running through my body and alerting all the necessary organs to prepare for giant ugly green things to come spewing forth from the appropriate places.
Yuck. 
Another incredible social psychological phenomena I’ve been confronted with in vivo, is immune neglect, our tendency to underestimate the incredible capacity for our psychological immune system to recover. Though my current awe is in regard to my physiological/biological immune system’s ability to recover, the awe-someness and resiliency of the human being never ceases to humble.
Anyway, my apologies for those of you who came here on Friday looking for an updated post. I need to start planning ahead for these weekly updates, and for my own humanity, which will occasionally experience a weeklong round of yuck.
Go easy out there this week folks, something nasty is going around.
Becoming Jennie 
-mel-
September 17, 2012
JENNIE. I feel your pain. This is me this week too… Future roomie has been sick since last week, and I was run down all weekend & woke/(didn’t sleep) to a raging headache & incoming snottiness this AM… Must. Slow. Down. Rest. Replenish.
…easier said than done, yes?! 😉 At least this week it’s ‘good sick/stress/run down’ tho… Positive progress incoming!!
Glad you are starting to recuperate my dear!!
Stewart Forgie
September 17, 2012
Awe! Big Hugs to you Jennie. Even though your post made me laugh. The Hugs? they are there to encourage you not to feel guilty about missing Friday! After all it worked out well in the end. You’ve just made another amazing discovery! You’ve just discovered that you can’t control every aspect of your life even if you wanted to. I did warn you about being to rigid in your commitment you know 🙂 Take care Hun and I hope you feel better soon.
Invisible Mikey
September 17, 2012
Rx: Sleep. Water. Vitamins. Forgive. Wash hands extra good.
Dx: Normal. (School is a vortex of communicability, and most people are hard-wired for optimism regarding germs despite the indisputable fact that we all get viruses.)
Ro
September 17, 2012
As I frequent reader of your blog (and as a semi-failed writer of one) AND as a human being, you must know that sometimes life (and germs, bugs, yucky things) get in the way. But what a wonderful opportunity has being sick given you. Time to heal and to reflect on the fact that we are not perfect, that is what makes us human and fun and different. If perfection were the standard, how boring would life be AND it wouldn’t give us opportunities to learn about ourselves and others.
“Being a human is very difficult when you convince yourself you are capable of super human strength.” What a wonderful reminder of our humanness.
As always, thank you for sharing.
Jhoop
September 17, 2012
Another way of life telling you that you are human. Humans get sick, it sucks but you won’t be sick forever. Take care of yourself and carry on.
Roy Martin
September 17, 2012
Hope you get through this funk soon, which you will, you always do.
Roy Martin
September 17, 2012
PS “funk” meaning your cold as well mental strain that comes with it, that you’re experiancing.
Charlie Fuhro
September 17, 2012
Hi Jennie,
Glad to hear you’re fighting the good fight and are on your way to feeling human again. We addicts, I believe, all think we’re Super Beings and that we can accomplish anything and everything we set our minds to, but we can’t, we’re only human. It always helps me to remember that the recovery process is actually one of re-education and/or re-learning. We are learning to set aside our old, dysfunctional, and often destructive behavior patterns and adopting new, healthier coping skills in their place. So consider your current illness a learning experience and try to figure out EVERYTHING your body is trying to tell you, not just the message about slowing down a bit. Take care, Jennie. Easy does it!
Charlie
chicostephenson
September 17, 2012
interesting hypothesis about independant and dependant people. even sick you still give me something to think about. Get Well!
L
September 17, 2012
Gotta love the human body. It can take exposure to all sorts of nasties day to day and then bam. All heck breaks loose and your forced to stop and slow down. I think it is a pretty cool system our bodies. Often knowing what we need better than our brain and heart. Get well and quit worrying about a friday deadline. The internet is real life. Just enjoy the ride and thanks for taking us along and sharing yours!
John Richard Clinton Maenpaa
September 17, 2012
Freud himself said, that sublimation was the only truly constructive (non-neurotic) defense mechanism for dealing with anxiety.
Have you been continuing with your painting? If not, why not?
Rock on…
becomingjennie
September 17, 2012
I haven’t painted anything in more than a year 😦 I can’t seem to find the time to do it. It will come though…
John Richard Clinton Maenpaa
September 21, 2012
I hope so…
The trick is, the sooner you can make time for it, the sooner it can help you be more productive in everything else – When you’re stressed, everything’s harder…
Rock on Jennie! 🙂
foofoo5
September 17, 2012
While you have opened the door to a host of “differentials,” I have relied on a statistical principle, referred to as “Ocam’s Razor,” to rapidly eliminate all but the most reasonable possibilities and reach the following: somatization,, “resident’s syndrome,” or cytopathic effects of virus.
“Soma” is the Greek word for “body,” and this dis-order is to unconsciously “convert” feelings into a bodily “quack” of a “congested, hurting, wheezing, sniveling, exhausted mess.” “Quack,” of course, refers to the confirmatory, “If it walks like somatization…” You must have seen that commercial for a certain NSSRI for “whining depression,”: “Sometimes depression hurts…” Right.
“Resident’s Syndrome” is a minority-specific condition for those studying/training in the pathological processes – and the more specific the pathology, the better the syndrome. During your Cardiology rotation, under the intense “grilling” by the Attending as to certain symptoms, the “grillee” makes no response. “Where is he?” The silence is finally broken by a meek explanation, “He went to the ER. He thought he was having chest pains” (and thank God he was not a “she!”). In all fairness, however, I had every symptom of a familial form of colon cancer in my second year of residency & ignored it. Until I was accompanied by my advizor for a colonoscopy, and a week later to surgery, for which reason I am alive today. But you get the point…
And finally, we arrive at the cytopathic effects of virus, which is simply to say: Jennifer is infected with a self-limiting virus over here ——-> index cards proposing iatrogenic psycho-quack over there. Do we need an infectious Disease consult? [Ocam’s Razor says:] Who’s gonna’ pay for that shit? How about a psych consult? [Dr. Freud says:] Sometimes people just whine, bitches. Translation: You have a viral infection for which the treatment is rest, hydration, and an NSAID for the hurting. Oh, and you say you feel guilty? Knock that shit off!
While I certainly ask nothing for this consultation, if you were to post a photo of yourself with a classic Chuck Taylor Converse All-Star Shoe Hi-Top sneaker on your head (any color), I would be beholden to you. Or you could just Google “put shoe on head”
becomingjennie
September 17, 2012
Chuck on head photo to come… (and thank you for the consult! lol)
Kelly
September 17, 2012
Hi. I think your reading into this cold way to much. You got sick now and last year at the same time of year because you went from summer and not being around a lot of people to going to school and being around a lot of people and guess what- someone had a cold and lucky you you got it. After you recover get your flu shot if you haven’t already, they say it helps. You also don’t have to apologize for not updating on Friday, I think everyone who reads your blog understands that we get sick sometimes. So relax, get some puffs plus tissues, lay on the couch and watch some crappy daytime tv.
salmacis99
September 17, 2012
Jennie, just hoping that you feel better- I got my yearly physical ‘kick in the ass’ last week. It happens- doing too much, worrying too much- it wears you down. But as always, you’ll get through. Hell, after everything else in your life you’ve mastered, a cold is like a fly landing on you- tell it to piss off and brush it off of you!! 🙂
michael92105
September 17, 2012
Dear Jennie:
Another great post. I hope you get well soon and I want to encourage you not to put constraints (time-as in day of the week that you write here) on your gift. Follow your creative instincts, write when it moves you–just don’t disappear. Thank you for all you give.
Fritz
September 17, 2012
All that stuff about complexity had my brain ready to explode
As far as germs and stress go i credit my strong immune system to my intake of mass quantities of garlic, maybe the garlic is not doing anything rather my belief that is is must be working because I can not remember the last time I had a “cold” thanks Garlic
good luck to you, your posts are interesting reading
CanadaPat
September 17, 2012
You really have an interesting mind.
Kevin
September 18, 2012
Its okay to not follow up on your intentions. You can always renew your integrity by making up for not being able to follow through, by doing what you hoped to accomplish at your earliest possible convenience. Feel better soon.
Hoosier
September 18, 2012
At least this doesn’t involve root canals or compulsive picking!
anonymous
September 18, 2012
right on. thanks for the post.
davy
September 19, 2012
Cripes, you have no need to apologize for getting sick and missing a ‘this is not a blog’ post. And certainly no need to feel guilty. We still love you in spite of your human frailties. Get well soon.
DG
September 19, 2012
Get well grasshopper. Stress wreaks havoc on the system, but you know this, so don’t get stressed. Yeah, right. Meditate on this: I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, and happy. Thank you. I am. Thank you for my perfect health. EGBOK. If that doesn’t help, rest, time and water. Thank you, DG Day 4
William
September 19, 2012
Wow! You really expect to complete everything that you plan on completing? I dropped that attitude once I figured out that the more I get done, the more I seem to try to accomplish, thus leaving me ‘behind’ no matter the reason. Being sick is just one excuse (and a good one at that) for not getting everything done. Facing depression or some other cause that prevents accomplishing goals would seem to be worse. And you know yourself well enough to figure out what you can and want to do.
Anyway, good luck and I hope you feel better. Isn’t fall the time when everyone seems to get sick, seeing new people in new classes etc?
Rich
September 19, 2012
Hey sick girl,
Blowing off a weekly blog post? Why, you human, you! The nerve… It’s okay; it’s pretty hard to feel inspired when you’re curled up and shivering under five layers of blankets.
Interesting thought, regarding the compartmentalization of emotion and stress (as hard as it is to put the Americanized connotations of “dependent” and “independent” people in park). It’s really a double-edged sword. We all need a certain ability to do so, in order not to be injured or overwhelmed by day-to-day life. But it can definitely take on a much darker purpose. Both in terms of disconnecting from one’s own life and emotions, as you mention, and in terms of the things that it can mask. From my teens through my thirties, I suffered from several terribly long, crippling bouts of depression—that most people around me never even knew about because, somewhere along the way, I’d learned how to function with it reasonably well on a day-to-day basis. A sort of compartmentalization, though there was definitely no way to separate myself from how low I was feeling. Its only purpose was to push all of those things down and keep them from public view. In a sense, it’s really the most dangerous time during a bout like that. After all, no one suspects that the guy who shows up for work ever day feels like dying with every waking moment. I’ve heard recovering addicts speak in the same terms; it’s when you learn how to function “normally” within you addiction that you’re really in trouble.
I’m not sure of where the balance is struck between enough ability to compartmentalize these things, and too much. Or if it’s even a learned ability, or a knowledge that just comes with time. I have a feeling that it’s the latter. In a broad sense, it’s a matter of just trying to stay engaged with your own life and with the people and things that hopefully make it worthwhile. I’m not the greatest at that myself. But hey, I’m trying too. It looks like you’re getting the hang of it pretty well yourself.
Hopefully you’re feeling better by the time you’re reading this. At any rate, take good care of yourself, Jen—physically and emotionally. And please, don’t beat yourself up over missing a blog post! I’m glad to hear from you whenever, wherever. Just relax and get well soon…
And don’t stop painting, either. I’m a fine one to talk; I’ve written a whopping one song so far this year. Time and inspiration have been pretty hard to find. But creativity and expression are gifts. Frustrating ones, but gifts nonetheless. Definitely worth holding on to, and worth fighting for.
Take care,
Rich
Khaled (@awholenuworld)
September 19, 2012
Lol, Jennie. It’s totally fine! I wouldn’t stress too much on the posting schedule. Slow down 🙂 We still appreciate you anyway and I wish you a smooth recovery into wellness.
Khaled
calebdb8
September 20, 2012
“All I really gotta do is live and die, but I am in a hurry and don’t know why.” This is a song that has been around for a long time now. I try to think of this song when I set x, y and z goals in my mind that seem like they have to happen.
Just make it another day, Caleb. That is all I have to do. Most everything else takes care of itself.
Emotions suck so much to deal with sometimes. Plus I always feel like I have to get this done, learn that, build these, arange those. In 17 minutes though, I am one day closer to four years.
Keep on keeping on, Jennie.
michael92105
September 21, 2012
“If hope could grow from dirt like me, it can be done”-Eddie Vedder.
Dear Jennie,
Seven years today. Thanks for being part of my journey this last year or so. May God continue to bless us all…
becomingjennie
September 21, 2012
wonderful quote, though I have a feeling my sponsor would insist I not refer to myself as dirt! haha, thanks, as always Michael, it’s a pleasure to have you here.
Holli
September 22, 2012
Interesting….. VERY interesting. After reading this I’m with you on being a dependent personality. I’m the same self with everyone as well. Hmmm, something to think about. Love that I learned that. Thanks!
Ginna Faulkner
September 25, 2012
just started your book. digging it. big time. you’s got talent kid.
zaphanathpaneah17
March 10, 2013
There was a point that caught my eye. And I think I understand better where you are coming from. You said, “overlapping selves”, other times, no shame in the past” but repeat it? No.
I always thoughy I was a messed up kiddo. This isnt fun for me but Im not ashamed. Its hard to say this. But you have shared. May I share my multiplicity?
As a kiddo, sex was interesting. I mean starting at age 3. I was autoerotic in a way that makes sense if you realize mankind develops. Abused at 2, 4, 7, 12, by family. Sex abuse. Yelling. All 3 generations. Male. Female. I ended up fantasising Lindsay Wagner would save me. Hahah. That and I fantasised nice women way older than me would molest me at age 7. That is a development and I was lovable and unhealthy. The love was dysfunctional. I hated and loved but would take hate and destroy things. My bicycle etc.
In all this, I had a severe undiagnosed blood disease. I don’t know if you’ve heard sexual appetite is affected by illness. I was horny but it was manic, not fun. I joked with guy friends about sex. I thought I was a fucking waste of space. I hated myself. I wasn’t gay. But I wanted power. I never raped or molested anyone. I hated forceful people.
When I was 15 I was sexually assaulted by a christian youth pastor assistant. The pastor found out just 6 years ago. He didnt know. He was pissed at the man. I wanted to kill him or me for 20 years. I dont talk about it a lot because 95% of people do not understand that you don’t kill perverts. We are all creative, we are grungy. We are raw. No one should have ever torn me up. But it made me wild. I personally think sex must have privacy to be trust. I was molested publicly.
But 5 hospitalizations, a marriage to vodka, I realize people get more public with their intimacies the more they don’t feel threatened.
I used shame to improve, but I was a molestation victim cutter. I burned myself. Its not cool. But I am proud I can withstand a sulfur burn. Its easy. I already have a rare and extremely painful disease.
Jennie, as much as part of me would like to see Pennys work, I feel bad after seeing porn because I don’t know if its right or wrong and nature tells me its hot to have real women like me. But one woman can get close. Porn is a drug to me and I want to care not stare. But Ive been addicted to looking at nudes. Some films. Its exhausting to be addicted to powerful things. But it amazing how many times you can have sex with one person. Like 1000 times in a few years.
Anyway, I am a medical advocate and I use my lack of boundaries and ego to share a different version of my persona with others to get them support systems. I wasn’t healthy before 2004. Then I sought who church failed to advertise. A real God. And so Im not ashamed of my past. I would not repeat it. I dont think a lot about it. Its very messy. But messy is okay.
I wanted to share that because no one seeks me, so I freely offer. Lifes a bitch, so why not share. As for perfection… you might not want to take my view. Look up to someone. For me its Yeshua Hamashia- christians call jesus, but thats ruined now with all the pedophilia. Yeah I like Jesus. He wasnt a molester and hung out with all types. Thats how I want to be.
You are so much more than Penny. Youre really cute. But who is Jennie becoming? 🙂