Another lovely day in LA, a beautiful Sunday on Memorial Day weekend, and I find myself staying away from my usual Memorial hangouts, like the beach, or dive bar, or a dive bar at the beach. In place of these haunts I’ve been doing all outer circle activities, which is part of my SAA program, things like hiking, writing, reading, painting, stretching, breathing, living, meeting, basically anything that isn’t going to get me revved up is something in my outer circle. Funny enough, I’ve found ways to sexualize things that are in that outer circle, being the good sex addict that I am, I seem to be able to sexualize ANYTHING, from hiking to writing to reading to painting to stretching to breathing to living to meeting, basically anything that is a thing, nouns are easily sexualized, as are verbs, and adjectives, just about everything today screamed at me with sexual undertones, and yes, overtones, and over what? A couple behindtones, and in front of tones, while I am placing tones under and over why not place them behind and in front, and what the fuck are these tones I speak of anyway and what does it matter? And does it?
For instance, flower shopping this morning turned into a contest to find the perfect vaginal bloom, automatically drawn to the orchid’s lovely little clitoris, rosebuds shaped like 19 year old girls and calla lilies in all shades of lovely. I found myself so drawn to these “types” of petals that I bought something completely opposite so I wouldn’t be spending the whole week thinking about the bloom of my purchased vaginal decorations, bought some delicious lilies that aren’t shaped like my money maker, or ex-money maker and now silent partner, along with some tuberose for the little gusts of hollywood air that float through my open windows. And this contest involved only me, so no matter how I played or purchased, I won, or didn’t win depending on how you look at it.
I ate a breakfast burrito with apple sausage. Don’t even need to go there.
The organic coffee place I pick my weekly grinds from plays this sexy music that makes me want to move my hips, and so I do, away from the alluring notes of South America, back to my home to change pants (not that anything was wrong with my pants I was just looking to change) and off to a meeting where a girl in the front row sat with shorts so short you could barely see them under her shirt, and she had all these legs, like 6 of them, she was a fucking spider, Charlotte weaving her web to trap my mind and take focus from the speaker and place it directly upon her.
Then off to hike where women in nothing tops, in fact one in a bikini top, tread up the mountain sunning their glorious breasts for all to see and I know what game they are playing and recognize it as a game I used to play when working out, or saying I was working out, when in actuality I am simply fishing for glances, and bite is a hit, and every bite gets me a step further up the mountain, and higher up in the clouds. I can only focus on my breathing during the hike because any look up renders me helpless against the glistening sweaty bodies propelling toward me as salty wetness drips from my own skin, and I know I must get off this fucking mountain, away from these naked Memorializing people and into the safety of my own home.
As soon as I sit down on my couch, figure it’s a good idea to review every season of Law and Order in my itunes collection, get me away from that headspace, and out of that trippin mentality, and of course that just overwhelms me because I used to masturbate compulsively to the Law and Order marathons on TNT, going back and forth between orgasm and cigarette break, rewinding the parts I miss on my cigarette break and not caring about the parts I watch mid-orgasm, and not caring about the orgasm while I watch the TV. I fall asleep, into a deep sleep, around 7:00pm, time had finally slowed to the point where my mind could rest, and since I didn’t masturbate during this Law and Order session, mini marathon, I think I’m moving back into the healthy relationship arena with Jack McCoy, and I certainly hope so because it’s a great fucking show and I’d hate to miss out on what good old Jerry has in store for me next.
I was supposed to hit an AA BBQ at a girlfriends around 8, but woke from my sex drenched slumber around 9, didn’t want to participate, so I took Saucy for a walk to the market so she could pee and I could buy some Ben and Jerry’s “Half Baked.” I didn’t even want to write this today, but forced myself to sit down and get out all the naughty things that have been running rampant in my unchecked brain, I need to tell on myself to take the power out of the suggestive qualities of the day, or my inner most workings, and check in with myself to make sure I am still on track with this whole Sex Addiction thing. I’m beginning to realize that my alcohol “ism” is merely a symptom of my Sex and Love Addiction, it is a huge trigger for me to revert back into old habits that are not dying quickly enough for my liking. The fundamental core issue I seem to be dealing with here is based upon intimacy, or my lack thereof. I drink to numb, and I need to numb because the act of being intimate with someone terrifies me. This doesn’t mean that I can drink by any means, and I’m in no way trying to say that I am going to. I am simply saying that I feel as though more is accomplished in the SAA meetings than in AA, and at least the people in SAA are polite enough to wear clothing that doesn’t immediately trigger me, or make me not care about objectifying them, as a whole. And it’s not the girls faults that I objectify them, or only see six pairs of legs or a million pairs of tits, and it’s not guys faults that I only look at the muscles leading down to their bits, or their lats or belly buttons, it isn’t their fault at all. It just makes it incredibly hard to listen to a meeting when there are women nearly naked in the room.
And I’m glad I did sit down and write, and let it all out, and tell on myself for all the naughty thoughts and daydreams, and I’m glad to be going through this process and really looking at my part in the whole “thing” that is my sex addiction, but it’s difficult to call myself on it when I’m so deeply entrenched in intrigue, and it’s even harder to find something else to do, and the worst part of acknowledging my attitudes and beliefs is that I see how perfectly aligned I am to direct and produce porn, and how performing suited me so well for all those years, and it kills my growth because it allows me to think “that was the perfect career choice” or “that is the ONLY career choice” and I know it isn’t, and I know I’ve something more substantial ahead of me, something of true emotional depth and value, but I just want to taste it now, to touch the future, to feel completion and contentment.
And again, I must tell myself, “One day at a time,” eat some Ben n Jerry’s, watch the last episode of Law and Order and go to bed.
Becoming Jennie 
chris
May 25, 2009
we all have shitty ass days. im writing this from my blackjack phone that happens to have a cracked screen, results of a snowboarding accident, in the backseat of my car, with probably a .30 bac after i had an alcolhol fueled fight with a friend because i thought she was in the wrong for making her sister cry because she wasnt getting 100% of the attention for the “horrible” breakup she had with her boyfriend of 2 years, so she took it out on her own blood and i fucking called her out on it.
if it wasnt for this blog about alcoholism and all this other shit i probably woldnt be having this point of view. i was pondering on the walk to my car if this could all have been avoided…and yes it could have. i now have a totally different view now on what substances such as booze do to you. i think that if i wouldnt have been drinking so .uch goddam pbr and pomegranate cider that me and my friend rose would probably have ggone to sleep tonight and awoken with a smile like usual, cracking jokes about what the fuck ever. but no…we were all fuct up and this shit happened.
i think that im going to try to go without drinking and see where it gets me. i just want to thank you for telling me without really telling me that if you can, so can i.
i read earlier what you said about you sucking some guy off in a goddam event center in public, i took it, that even though i dont have a problem like this chick…a total whore, that i can kind of relate. i did stupid shit when i drank the old number 7, but nothing like that, but i think i need help and i need t stop this bs.
Drew
May 25, 2009
“One day at a time.” It’s all you can do. Look, just because not every choice has been the exact, dead on, undoubtably correct choice, doesn’t mean it’s a bad choice. Things happen for a reason, and if the reason isn’t the best, then there’s always the knowledge gained from it. All you can do is keep remembering that life is moving forwards for the better, not backwords into things past. You’re not Scrooge, so the past will stay the past, and there’s no real reason to regret the past. All you can do is learn from it. And not every action is dictaded solely by you. Your AA meetings probably would go quite a bit better if not everyone was trying to impress everyone else with the bodies they have. Focus on the reason your there, and not what you want from there. As far as I’m concerned, they shouldn’t even matter, because they’re not the goal. I believe in you Jennie Ketcham, and if anyone can do it, you can.
Oh, and Law and Order is a damn good show.
Mike D
May 25, 2009
Hi Jennie,
This was an extremely good post. If “Becoming Jennie” is the theme of this blog than real progress has been made here. This ws one of your best yet in that regard.
Re:
“The core issue I seem to be dealing with here is based upon intimacy, or my lack thereof. I drink to numb, and I need to numb because the act of being intimate with someone terrifies me.”
I think this is a real breakthrough. As I think you intimated in “Porn Made Me Do It”, it is a mistake to reduce addictive and compulsive behaviours to a simple cause and effect relationship.
What you seem to be describing above is a cyclical patern of dysfunctional thinking patterns, emotions and behaviours in which one thing leads to another and all points in the cycle are mutually reinforcing.
Identifying this cycle is a fundamental first step in breaking it and thus moving on. You even describe very accurately how these kinds of cycles drastically delimit our life options:
“and the worst part of acknowledging my attitudes and beliefs is that I see how perfectly aligned I am to direct and produce porn, and how performing suited me so well for all those years, and it kills my growth because it allows me to think that was the perfect career choice” or “that is the ONLY career choice”
I really empathise with you there since in the past I was for a long time trapped by a very similar cycle of dysfunctional thinking, feeling, and doing. The context wasn’t porn, but the “my only option” mentality was identical. So many people get trapped that way.
Cognitive therapy helped me out of that. Part of my situation involved drugs and people say CT doesn’t work well with drug issues because it can’t treat the physiological symptoms of drug addiction. True. But it can deal with the negative cycles of emotion and thinking that underpin the drug use. All that was in the early to mind ’90s, so I’m sure things have moved on a long way from the sort of CT approaches I knew.
What’s especially promising about your last post is that you have a clear vision of a way out of it all:
“I know I’ve something more substantial ahead of me, something of true emotional depth and value, but I just want to taste it now, to touch the future, to feel completion and contentment.”
Okay, the vision as it stands is a bit blueskies, but it’s a powerful vision nonetheless and I’m sure careful reflection will help flesh out your outline of what you want to do in sufficient detail to make it achievable.
The issue of reflection is vital, I’ve mentioned confession and confessional writing before, and I think reflection is closely linked to it, perhaps as a “next step” from confession.
The writings of late MIT professor Donald Schon are a big influence on my attitude to reflection. He came up with the idea of “reflective practice”, involving carefully considering and weighing one’s experiences when applying knowledge to practice in a field of artistic or professional endeavour.
Closely linked to this is the “constructionist” approach to writing. That when we write we don’t just describe or recall our pasts, but recreate them, constructiing as we do so new realities, attitudes and opportunities. This approach has helped me greatly in writing about things that previously I’d prefered to keep locked away in my past, felt ashamed of, or simply couldn’t see the relevance of to my present reality.
Re “the orchid’s lovely little clitoris” &ct. I think you need to differentiate between the sexualisation of other human beings (which is a form of objectification and dehumanisation), and seeing human sexuality reflected in nature (which has a kind of potic truth to it and has inspired so much excellent poetry and art).
I see clitorises in lillies, penises in sausages, and breasts in hills and mountains, &ct., vulvas in rock fissues a cliff face, dollops of jiss in hair conditioner, &ct.; I give a flirty grin when the girl in Starbucks asks me if I “want a grind”, and so forth; but I’m no more a sex addict than is any other man (or maybe that means all men are sex addicts?)
I think the key to this lies in the desexualise to resexualise dynamic. To appreciate both human sexuality in a non-objectifying way, and the metaphorical, poetic and spiritul sexuality we see in nature, even to “innocently” appreciate a dirty joke perhaps, we fallen human beings first need to undergo a pugative or catharic form of desxualisation.
God, another one of my long rants. Sorry about that, but words are my job. Anyway, congrats on a wicked post.
Mike
Sean
May 25, 2009
So I am curious about something Jennie –
– as an alcoholic, one must be careful to avoid drinking, because even that first drink can start the spiral back down…
– as a sex addict do you have to COMPLETELY avoid sex/masturbation/etc???? Or is it that you must channel this into healthy relationships and wait til then? Because it seems that you are then caught between either the hell of the addiction and the problems it causes your life, or the hell of a gorram lonely, unsatisfied orgasmless life…
Just curious to hear what this all means, from your point of view.
Matt
May 25, 2009
Dear Jennie,
I am a simple person so I need to ask why are you afraid of intamacy? Are you afraid of being hurt or hurting others? Are you afraif that someday you might spell and type so badly that people on the internet think you are actually me?(intamacy and afraif)
Cold showers work wonders. Oh yeah they truly suck so bad that sex will be the last thing on your mind after that.
EVERYONE take care.
Stef From Paris
May 25, 2009
Hi Jennie !
Excuse me for my bad english, but I’m a french guy. Sorry I’m not perfect ^^ So I don’t speak english fluently. I’d like say to you, that I love your body, and your face. I’ve watched a scene with Isis love and you were so beautiful. My God ! I hope for you, all the best, because you’re a really great woman for me. I think, working in porn industry is for a time not for the life. A day in your life, you will be totaly happy.
Big Kisses and love
Stef.
Cornileus
May 25, 2009
you’re rationalizing and justifing your next drink, this is dangerous territory. When i am alone I am poor company and my analysis of why things are and what i should do got me right where I am today. We simply are not objective about ourselves. you need to share this with people not just here but face to face with people that can hold you accountable. This was absolutely key for me. Recover is about doing things you don’t want to do I had to, some times still have to force myself to do(bring the ass and the mind will follow) al least for me my previous life was about doing whatever i wanted to do when i wanted to do it and again it got me straight to rock bottom. none of us wants to do this its scarey as hell to let anyone in at all but it is so worth it. Gravity leads us through it but he does not like to let us hedge our bets he wants us to take the leap of faith.
~Le Singe
Alvaro Prieto
May 25, 2009
what you need is snow and mountains, this removes all the evils.
After arriving home, a chocolate, a good movie and sleep.
Greetings from Spain, beautiful !!!
Jim
May 26, 2009
Thank you for sharing. I think you show real courage every day by confronting your biggest fears.
Cornileus
May 26, 2009
Jennie,
Sorry for my last comment. I was wrong for being judgmental and I don
‘t know why the hell I think I know what’s best for someone else (particularly someone I don’t even know…..). Further more its really none of my business. So I apologize.
regards
~Le Singe
Pina
May 27, 2009
Jennie,
You’re an amazing, strong and very special. I liked penny. But I love how Jennie’s mind works. Thanks for sharing your new path…
~P
christalball
August 18, 2009
i don’t know how you’re doing at present [give me a few weeks;^)], but i hope things have gotten easier or at least more manageable, in respect to your sexualized thoughts…. congratulate yourself either way that you are recognizing how your mind works, and in only doing so can you make changes in your life! at this point of “becoming Jennie,” you are barely out of the gate, and at present you still have quite a journey ahead of you. the life that you knew was fast, glitzy, “easy access,” single minded and murky and it’s going to take some time and more personal work to transition out of that mindset. as determined and consumed as you are about being in that new life and out of the old one, your addictions and demons will put up the hardest fight as they can. i believe in your strength and intelligence, so i believe you will ultimately win. you know how you’ve talked about one upping as a negative? you can turn that into an attitude of positivity, that you will always strive to one up your addictions and demons. after a while you will be so high above them [up in the blue sky], they won’t have a chance:^) i believe that there’s something with the intensity and focus of porn, but even more powerful, waiting for you. Jennie Ketcham is just too much of a firecracker for that to NOT happen [at the rate she’s going at, anyway];^) consider that your life’s moments will only crescendo in meaning and experience. you seem to be “perfectly aligned” to feast at life’s bounty and somehow share it with us, dear lady. you continue to show us how talented you are with paying attention to the fine details of your mind and environment, and turning it into art as this blog. as my integrated pest/organic agriculture professor has emphatically told me, “you cannot waste your talent!!!!”