My Dad said this to me as he hung up the phone just now, I told him I was going to spend the evening writing and he said I find myself there, and the people I love. On opposite sides of the country, me southern, him northern, we both just finished watching the very first episode of Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, and he called to let me know that he was proud, proud I did the show, proud that I remained open and honest from the very start, proud to be my father. I must admit I never thought we would be here together, on this day, talking about some reality rehab show that I did with him confessing his pride in being my father, never thought there would be a day where we could laugh about the fact I tried to smuggle in a dildo named Ron Jeremy, along with knee pads and various other vibrating objects, never really thought there would be a day where we could sit on the phone and share quiet tears together about the incredible growth that can take place in a mere seven months.
It started with this blog. With a place I felt comfortable sharing my struggle in being human, in experiencing human emotions, and in dealing with other humans. In almost no time, my Aunt found the blog and began reading, and then my Dad, as well as my Mom. Mom had issues with some of the things that I wrote, because sometimes it’s hard to separate the things I’m experiencing from her own struggles, but Dad, being that we haven’t had a close relationship for years, was able to read it with the open eyes of a stranger, someone simply watching his daughter grow up from afar. A month or two before checking into rehab, I told him I know Ron Jeremy and he laughed, confessing tonight that he secretly wondered and perhaps knew where this lifestyle had taken me. How ironic that I would smuggle in that very name and idea to the place I am supposed to begin healing. Ever since I’ve come out of rehab, he and I have been building our relationship, some things have come from the blog, some just from talking, and now it seems as though he knows more than I let out here as we have reached a level of comfort beyond what an internet site can provide. This blog has helped me bring my father back into my life, and for that I am eternally grateful.
It’s also shown me how many people out there think of me, something I never would have imagined with my incredibly low self esteem. One of my dearest lady friends in the adult business recently wrote a piece about our friendship on whoremotional.com, Miss Communication, and I cried throughout the entire thing, never realizing just how much the people I’ve left behind still mean to me. Not that I left her behind necessarily, but as she writes, in each profession we choose as living breathing adults, we end up existing on an island where we only speak with people in our profession, lifestyle, or age group. When I did porn, my conversations, friends and lifestyle consisted of sex, drinks and douche talk. Now in recovery, it consists of…well….recovery. Doctors do it, lawyers do to, we all live in these little bubbles that prohibit us from meeting new people and engaging in new conversations. I’m going to set some big lady time aside for her, and her roomie (another dear friend), just to get back to our roots as women, because we can live together on that island – which is pretty big.
This blog has managed to introduce me to new possibilities, like writing for the Truffle, or my literary agent (yup got a lit agent, a real live lit agent hahahah), has even opened the door to writing a script with a big producer on the mainstream side of things, all things I never would have dreamed possible for a girl like me with a history as muddy as mine. I have friends from high school following and checking in that my day is okay when I log the entry into “terrible no good very bad days” and others that call when something goes into “totally awesome days.” But most of all, being able to write here has helped me to find a voice, something I didn’t have seven months ago, and I find the more I use it, the more clearly and coherently I’m able to communicate my feelings. I’ve even started to recognize that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can almost tell the difference between being excited and being nervous. This is definitely progress.
A new friend called me a couple days ago to talk about the airing Sex Rehab. I’d become overly concerned with how it will effect my life. My core issue surround this was as follows: I’ve already changed so many things, I’m perfectly happy with the way things are unraveling right now, and as most addicts hate change, I’m not sure I’m ready for anything more. Everyone around me keeps saying “Oh, things are about to get crazy” or “Your life is going to change drastically” and catastrophic thinking led me to believe that crazy, and drastic change don’t necessitate good and positive things. This friend of mine called to say that he didn’t think my life would change. That he had in fact decided it wouldn’t change. It started me thinking if this motherfucker can decide on a whim that my life isn’t going to change than I can decide the same. Because the insurmountable changes I’ve experienced since April 6th 2009 have to do only with me, and the people closest. The change that other’s spoke about is in regards to people I don’t know, and people who don’t know me. And as I have no control over that, nor do I want any, I realized I can either decide that yesterday was the calm before the storm, or it was just yesterday. Halloween. The day before the show premiers. Halloween was great, and I’m glad I choose to live for that day.
Seven months ago I spoke with my Dad about how I’m going to make tons of money by running some webcam studio in the valley. About how I can finally retire from porn because I’ve found an occupation that wouldn’t discriminate against me for being a one time camera whore. He supported my decisions and wished me luck on my new career. Today, I spoke with my Dad about the script I’m working on that involves a character modeled after him. He cried, and told me write about whatever I need to write about.
Today was a beautiful day.
patty
November 1, 2009
i have seen your work before. i just saw some previews on vh1 for the show. it makes me feel bad because i know that i am part of the problem. i’m sure that many stars have had some serious issues in the past and still cannot overcome. i was approached by someone about 4 years ago when i met her, she asked me if i wanted to shoot a scene with her. loving sex as i do, i suprised myself when i hesitated before answering her with a no. too many people in my life could have been effected by my decision to do that and i couldnt live with myself if i had done that. just seeing a the few previews of the show and tears in your eyes, it just broke my heart. its hard to connect with someone spiritually when you feel you must have an animal attraction for them first… if that makes any sense. be jennie first and always, i am rooting and praying for you.
smokey48
November 1, 2009
I too join the many who are delighted and moved by your new found self. Please note the comment on VH1 refering to premier of show. Far back on FTV I read your comments regarding a destroyed relationship because of dishonesty. I felt then that their was a entirely different person than what you where presenting. Welcome to the other side of the wall. I have been on both sides now.
Peter Holden
November 1, 2009
Jennie.
May I say as someone from the otherside of the world (Melbourne, Australia), it’s truly been a pleasure to read your blog.
I commented recently on the ADT forums that, as much as I’m sad to no longer see ‘Penny Flame’ on film, I’m more happy to read about the life of the *new* Jennie.
I certainly hope your life story makes it to print, and as one poster boasted about being the last person to get a ‘Penny Flame’ signature, I hope I’m lucky enough one day to get a “Jennie Ketcham” autograph 🙂
Keep up the great blog and always remember to keep a smile on your dial 🙂
sally
November 1, 2009
after watching the premiere, i sought you out because you have a spark that made me want to know more about you…i’m so glad to find your blog, to see that through your process of recovery you’re finding a way to know and love yourself…jennie you’re a strong woman. just keep breathing and supporting yourself through it all. you kick ass girl!
Mike Carrillo
November 1, 2009
I have been a casual fan before but now would like to be a true fan of Jennie’s. Know that there are people in the world who will support you in whatever endeavours you choose. Today was the first that I heard of your transformation to Jennie. You have all the power and strength to be who you want to be. I will continue to watch this transformation to see where your path leads you. Be strong and be safe.
TS
November 2, 2009
Heard you on Loveline the other night, keep up the good work. I’m sure Drew would love to have you stop by whenever you feel like it, and as a longtime listener of the show- that’s how I learned about this website- I’d be happy to hear you anytime you choose to be on.
Jason
November 2, 2009
I’m a complete stranger who’s been reading your blog for a couple months now. I’ve been following your transformation, and the clarity and honesty with which you write are inspiring. As in, potentially literally inspiring me to see how change is possible in my own life. All from reading a blog, that bizarre combination of bared soul and distant anonymity. Isn’t this a strange world?
Anyway, as someone with my own addiction issues, I hear the voice of truth and commitment in your posts. As someone who cares deeply about writing and literature, I recognize and appreciate the level of your writing. You have talent: use it.
As an earlier commenter said, stay strong and safe. Don’t ever forget how powerful you are; you can change worlds.
Matt
November 2, 2009
Jennie,
I stumbled across your blog and I just wanted to wish you all the encouragement in the world. Keep focusing on being happy and doing the things that make you happy!
You’ve got a great gift for writing from the heart – kudos for sharing that gift with the world.
wilton
November 2, 2009
i am very happy for you i wish you peace.Thank you for being so kind to me.You make me want to be a better person.I wish you happiness and inner peace.
wilton123
November 2, 2009
i wish you well you have so much going for you. you are my hero.i wish u only good things.
Fred
November 2, 2009
I’m surprised you turned the comments on.
Progress indeed.
Ez
November 2, 2009
Hey,
I try to read every update that you write on this blog, and it’s all very inspiring. I hope that one day I can inspire people as much as you inspire me in my reading of this blog.
It really is very uplifting to hear and read about people living for the positive and not just settling for their life as it is.
Jackson
November 2, 2009
Pennie or Jennie, you are still young and adorable. Post some pics for us freaks ;>
Arv "Butch" Sale
November 2, 2009
I did a Wiki search for Penny Flame yesterday and learned you had left porn and embarked on a new journey. How, I once asked, could a young woman as intelligent as you be in porn? But I already knew the answer. Take it from someone, much older and wiser now, who was almost completely destroyed by the sexual addiction, you’ve done the right thing. By helping yourself, you’re helping others. Keep it up. I’ll continue to follow.
Me
November 2, 2009
We are on your side in the recovery process and want to see you be the person you deserve to be….someone who ses and thinks and finds love & friends .
Best of luck and keep punching .
eric
November 2, 2009
Keep up the good work mama! One day at a time. You are going to be great! You are a tremendous, talented artist and you have a gift with words. You will go far. Don’t look back. Don’t give thought to actions in the past, only to those actions you must take to secure the future that you desire.
V
November 2, 2009
Nice to see you open this blog up again. The time warp of you talking about this VH-1 program way back, months ago, and now actually seeing it mainly just how much this must hurt. The anxiety of waiting, and waiting, and hoping acceptance is out there, and that people will see you just like the rest of us see ourselves; flawed, yet knowing there is a person deep in there worth knowing. You have done well Grasshopper. You created Penny to ‘wall’ yourself off from the world. Now you’ve opened up, (well, that was months ago of course and I guess you’re in NYC or someplace else now), and you are allowing people to talk to you, and about you. Take the good, chuck the bad, and realize no one who ever walked the earth was any better than anyone else. Congrats on you and your dad bonding, and congrats on being brave, to all those who write those dumb columns and complain about shows like this, they can just change the channel, or get a new job, hopefully something that doesn’t involve being negative.. Oh, and keep writing.
BeenThereDoneThat
November 2, 2009
I just stumbled across your blogsite,via twitter, and I was happy to read what you wrote. I can “feel” the emotion and sincerity of your words. I was never Into porn so I hadn’t a clue who or what you were before watching “Rehab”.
Happy trails with the rest of your life.
P.s., loved your photo with your dog, my website link is a song I wrote and recorded for my 2 old dogs. The only 2 living,breathing things In my life that never let me down, even when I let them down during my wild days.
Peace!
Bytor
November 2, 2009
Hey, Jennie…. odd, after having known you as “Penny” for years now, it’s strangely nice to have a glimpse into your own real life.
I COULD go into my favorite scenes of yours and all that, but as a casual purveyor of your former craft, I have to admit I am proud of you for recognizing a problem in your interpersonal relations and taking the steps necessary to correct it for your own happiness’ sake!
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with sex in and of itself… it is only the power WE give it that makes it either healthy or unhealthy…
I honestly hope, that you will be able to take this experience and open a new, and happier chapter in your life, and that you find and maintain a partner who is as understanding and honest with you as you are being with us, the Great Unwashwed Masses! 🙂
God Bless Ya’, Jen, and I can’t wait to see what all else you have to show us… in fact, right now, I’m about to go check out some of your art on JennieArt, and I hope you can one day consider me a friend to you!
Cheers, Beautiful, and always remember the words of the immortal George Carlin:
“The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life!!”….
-Bytor
danny
November 2, 2009
Jennie, how great to see you’ve opened the comments! as another person said “progress indeed”…and i must agree. admittedly, i originally knew of you from your films and kind of stumbled onto your blog a couple months ago. at first i was simply curious and kind of thought what a loss for the “business”. but as time went on i found myself more and more rooting for “Jennie” and [still] hoping you will just hang in there! i can’t speak from the “been there” perspective, but i truly do have faith in you lovely lady…you do have a gift for writing and through it have shown how truly strong you are…and weak at times,as we all are…and that speaks volumes as to what great courage you possess and you’re true character Jennie! i will continue to follow and support you’re journey. hang tuff…be safe…and believe in yourself….i think great things lie ahead for you! p.s. thankyou for sharing with all of us….
Gee
November 2, 2009
Hey Jennie,
I am or was a fan of your alter ego and found “Becoming Jennie” accidentally, looking for other Penny Flame websites. I have been reading and catching up for about a month now and am now hooked on Jennie. Glad to “get to know” this side of you. Best wishes on your new ventures.
I see only success in your future.
An old new Jennie fan,
Garret
Corwyn
November 2, 2009
Rock on chica. Rock on.
Dave
November 2, 2009
I have followed your blog for quite a while now (months) and I have to echo some of the other posts. You truly are inspiring. While I don’t have and addiction issues, reading you chronicle your thoughts and feelings has been the direct cause of me taking the first steps in dealing with my crippling self-esteem and anxiety issues. This is the first time I have seen the comments on so I wanted to say thank you, and keep up the good work.
E-Deezy's Sister
November 2, 2009
Jennie, I’m so thrilled to see comments open! It’s so interesting to me that you confess to low self-esteem because you come across as such a strong, self-assured, focused and directed woman. Low self-esteem is about the last thing I’d suspect, but then we all just paint over each other with these brushes, and reality be damned, right? So thanks for setting me straight, and thanks for owning yourself, every bit of you, and speaking up. I love what you say about using your voice. I’ve chosen to silence myself (by quitting writing) while (literally) learning to help others to speak, I may have to look at that choice as some sort of metaphor and explore its implications. It’s been a very good thing for me in the short term, but long-term self-silencing sounds like it will have a big price.
Thanks for being here, for sharing your journey, and for being so brave. I am in awe, truly.
MerkinTile
November 2, 2009
As someone who knows about you from your previous profession, I wish us both luck in being open to new experiences, and to view the past with forgiveness…:)
benito
November 2, 2009
hey, jenny
I am so happy to read your blog and I am proud to say I want to know more about you….I hope you read this simple messages I have for you.God Bless
Brandon
November 2, 2009
Jennie,
Sitting on the couch, eating Chinese, I flipped the tube on and what came up was Celebrity Rehab. Having been in some of the same places, somewhat still am, I applaud you. I loved the first episode, your writings here, and your frankness. I look forward to where you, Jennie, goes from here.
Long time supporter……..
LT
Will
November 3, 2009
Jennie,
Welcome to a “new day”. What lies before you is a fresh, new, and exciting world filled with a beautiful new perspective on life. The funny thing is that it was always there in front of you. You just had to tune your ears and put on the right spectacles to notice. Your immersion in your writing, art, and reconnected relationships is a great start and only the beginning.
Realize that there a people pulling for you, seen and unseen, spoken and unspoken. Be good. I look forward to more of this wonderful and eloquent blog.
Will
edd gimenez
November 3, 2009
i feel that your blog will help others i was shocked at how many forms of this addiction there was and wish you luck i have never saw you nude or heared of you before and i am glad as i will get to know you for who you are a person who seems to be sweet and kind and nice and great in every way -with recovery comes the power to recreate our lives which you have started -thanks for taking the steps to show the world how honest you could be and the pain that is real from addiction -you were the first one to walk though the door you are a ground breaker for years to come the cool thing is when you walked out the door to leave you are now never alone !
Kevin B.
November 3, 2009
I just really want to thank you for having the courage to go on this show and try to deal with your sex addiction issues. I’m a 32 year old guy from Pittsburgh who has struggled with sex addiction for the past several years. I have seen my addiction ruin relationships, friendships, and endanger my career. There is so much glamour about drug and alcohol addiction, it’s almost a badge of honor at this point. However, there is such shame about sex addiction. So few people understand it and so few people talk openly about it. It’s difficult to watch the show because of what I’ve dealt with, but I really value you putting yourself out there. I’ve been in therapy for about 6 years now…it never gets easy. It’s always a struggle. But I’ve learned it’s a battle worth fighting. I’ve found much more peace being a struggling, wounded man than I ever did as a horny, ignorant boy. Looking at the truth, and yourself, is very hard to do. But it’s ultimately the most important thing you can do. I have a ton of respect for you for standing up and speaking out. I wish you all the best for your recovery and send you strength and support in my thoughts!
Brian
November 3, 2009
Wishing all the best, good to hear you are doing well
Mack
November 3, 2009
I’ve been reading your entries from the start
and I think you’re awesome and I’ve really
noticed a real change in such a short span of
time. You’ve made me realize that anyone can
make a real change if they truly want it, We
just have to take the right steps. Lessons
which I’m applying to my life as well. So
Thank you.
And thanks for turning the comments on again,
it’s nice to feel like we’re part of your
day.
Sam
November 3, 2009
Hi–
I heard your name mentioned on a radio show and found your blog. You’re a talented writer, and I admire your honesty
Lance
November 3, 2009
Jennie, I told you back a few months ago that I wanted to see a picture of you taken in the faded sunlight of fall. By that time you would look so much more relaxed and healthier than you did even at that time. I can see just from your writing that you have come a long way. And I told Miss Communication this afternoon that she should not worry about hanging out with you because you would enjoy it. I had not read this entry yet and she told me about having talked with you after she wrote her blog entry.
Superman
November 3, 2009
Don’t know you but i am happy for you. Your story inspires me. Thanks for the inspiration.
Jake
November 3, 2009
Keep on crankin’ Jennie. I enjoy reading talented writers, such as yourself, and I wish you the best.
jd
November 4, 2009
After reading these your Blog’s I actually cried, tears of Joy, because of the progress your making in your life and the personal growth I have wittnessed.
I guess I can say I became aquaintted with Ms. Flame when she was a young starlet and watched her grow into a very Talented Domme with a Hood Fetish. I read Ms. Flame’s Blogs periodically, and now I read Jennies Blogs. The contrast between the two are amazing. As seeing the positive changes that are occuring in Jennie’s thought processes are amazing–
as I see a Light in the Darkness that used to surround Penny and her life being dealt with in a healthy manner.
Please, keep up the recovery as your success in it brings light into a dark world.
Krypto-Nite
November 4, 2009
I am too adicted to sex and have not talked with it in full detail to my therapist yet but seing the show last night made me wonder and think that this is not normal and that i need to get help… Look forward to see what happens on next shows and hopes that it is not just hyped up for tv….
Shannon
November 4, 2009
I’ve been following your progress on twitter ever since I heard about the show This is the first time I clicked into your blog. I’m gonna take the rest of the day off and read your previous entries. You are doing in front of the world what so many other addicts are doing in private, in therapist offices, in 12 step meetings, with broken family members. That takes courage. Thanks for representing the S community with dignity. I’m sure its not a mantle to signed up for. (Keep coming back)
Shell
November 4, 2009
I am so incredibly proud of you. Authenticity….. My husband and I are recovering from addictions and co-addictions, one of which is sex addiction. We were big fans of Celeb Rehab. So when we happened to be flipping the channels to find the premier of Sex Rehab we were tickled. It was good to see Amber again, continuing down the recovery path. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am looking foward to more episodes….. experience, strength, and hope. BTW, your writing is superb!
Chuck
November 4, 2009
You write to help yourself but I hope you realize how inspiring your words are to others, whether you write of good days or bad. They have certainly helped me, thank you for that. I think Jennie is here to stay and she will be awesome at whatever she puts her mind to.
Jarred
November 4, 2009
Hi Jennie! I am really glad that you are putting up comments on this new site! I first started reading your posts when you were still in the business- so the transformation even in your writing style has been amazing! I am very proud of you- not that it should matter if some stranger is proud of you. But it takes more courage and honesty than most human beings possess to have done what you have in only half a year. I think about the obstacles you have overcome and it gives me strength in my easy life. I really hope and pray that every day is better than the last for you, that you find all the happiness and health and peace you deserve!
John
November 4, 2009
Your strength led you to where you are today, continue to be strong; overcome all obstacles. Well done indeed.
Anonymous
November 14, 2009
Thank you for sharing those stories of newfound intimacy with your family. I’ve been in SLAA for one year and the growth intimacy I’ve experienced with my family and others is amazing! I’m also so hopeful for this ‘new me’.
Thenewcomer
November 20, 2009
I really envy your relationship with your parents. I’m not a former porn star, and my blog is about mundane everyday things; the kids, the quotidian, shopping blah blah blah (no lit agents for me!). Yet I cannot imagine my mom finding my blog and reading it- I think the world would come an end if that happened.
thenewcomer.wordpress.com
ConnyD
November 25, 2009
Hi, sorry for this offtopic question but i dont find the RSS Feed Link to add this Blog to my Feedreader. Could you please give me the URL? Thanks a lot.
Greetings from Switzerland