We left for San Francisco early Friday morning, sometime around 6am, and made it into my hometown by 12:30. Mr. Man has never seen Moraga, the town I spent my high school years wandering about, and even though it was under unpleasant circumstances, I was proud to walk Rheem shopping center with him. Take him for a Nation’s burger. Lament about how Fudge Alley has closed down, a small candy shop with sharpie scrawled names of the kids who grew up in the town covering the walls. Frank had run the shop, gave us sour belts and ice cream, hot dogs and milk shakes. We’d sit in the booths and laugh, carving our initials into the table. Mr. Man didn’t get to see that part, but he saw everything else, the rolling hills covered in brown dying grass, the 35 spot where I’d sit and sell weed after school, the woods we ran through as teenagers. He saw my high school, Campolindo, shining for all it’s glory with new pools, a theatre, and perfectly manicured baseball field. He laughed when we sat down for lunch, saying “So, this ghetto gangster girl you like to throw at me occasionally, she didn’t grow up here did she?” More is always revealed.
We spent the night at a girlfriends in east Contra Costa, and the three of us headed to Ocean Beach in SF Saturday morning for the memorial service. Jordan had wished to be cremated, so his friends and family gathered on the beach, seven of his best friends adorned in wetsuits, nearly three hundred people stood around a bonfire as Mr. Anderson thanked us for coming, how touched he was that his son had such a broad life, and impacted so many people. The surfers took to the ocean, with ashes and baseballs in their wetsuits. Jordan was a huge SF Giant’s fan, and most of the people on the beach stood in Giants gear. The men paddled out to the ocean, one of the surfers had a hard time breaking through the waves, and two others paddled back and brought him in with the rest of the group. We clapped and cheered from the beach as these men poured his ashes into the salty water, gave Jordan back to the ocean which he loved so much. The guys threw the baseballs into the sea, they’d written messages to Jordan with the same sharpies as in Fudge Alley, and I cried with friends I’ve known for nearly 14 years. They swam back in, and the crowd embraced each of the men who’d paddled out. Bleeze was one of the surfers, his eyes red from tears and salt, we hugged and everyone he hugged left with a wet mark down their front. Mr. Anderson welcomed the party to The Cliff House, for drinks, food and stories, and as we walked back to the restaurant, we saw a huge 30 foot graffiti mural of Jordan’s name on the sea wall. Someone had spent over 25 hours paying tribute to our friend. It was Giant’s colors too. Jordan would have loved it.
Grief and death have a funny way of inspiring you to action. Some people lashed out in anger, while others decided they were done wasting their lives by being stagnant and apathetic. I had already decided it was time for some serious change, but it took this celebration to understand what that change was about. I ran into old girlfriends, one little cheerleader who always played the ditzy card is now an attorney, another just received her Masters in molecular biology. I’d cut off all my friends from high school who went on to do something with their lives because I was afraid to share what I’d been doing in mine. An adventure, yes, productive, not so much. Now I see them and am excited to say I’m going back to school, excited to be a part of society, the society that helped shape them into well rounded and intelligent young women. All the friends I’ve kept in touch with seem to be doing very little. Except Jordan. He was doing exactly what he wanted to be doing at the time of his death. He wanted to move to San Francisco, be a bartender, and surf Ocean Beach. He did it. It makes it a lesser shade of sad.
So it’s time for some additional action. One more re-write on the proposal and it goes out to publishers. I’m in talks about starting a Sex and Relationship advice blog with an old friend. I begin the fall semester on Monday, taking three classes, working part time as a hostess, and continuing on in life. I had recently decided to sell of the things in my storage unit because Mr. Man and I officially decided to live together. No more of this temporary agreement. So we are combining our lives one plate and cup at a time. My coffee tables are being sold today, I’m hoping the couch goes soon, as well as the scarf/hat/coat rack, and if it really comes down to it I will take it all to Goodwill and donate my life away. The only big things that remain are these giant paintings, two of the canvas’ are 5 feet by 4 feet, and there is just no room in our home for them. Perhaps I can sell them to someone in LA for cheap. Everything must go. It’s time to purge myself of the things I don’t need, and focus on the things I have. Which is quite a bit.
Thank you all for your kindness and support. This has been an incredibly difficult few weeks, and knowing that I have friends here helps me at every given moment. Tell the ones you love that you love them today. I love you all.
pragmatic realist
August 26, 2010
I don’t read much on the internet that makes me feel good and hopeful, but this did.
My best wishes for you.
spawnyboy
August 26, 2010
I wish you so much the best of luck and everything this life has to offer Jennie. It’s funny how this life goes sometimes that out of personal tragedy that there is rebirth. In your friends loss there is inspiration within you, I think he would be proud to know that. I am happy for you Jennie and that you keep moving forward and don’t look back. You really are “Becoming Jennie”
Love you,
Spawny
Aaron
August 26, 2010
Beautiful Jenny. I always find inspiration reading your words. I’m going through some stuff in my life, trying to make the changes I need to find happiness. I see what you’ve written and it makes me feel a little less like I’m doing it by myself.
Stephers
August 26, 2010
Jenn, I have always been distanced from my family; detaching and compartmentalizing has always been how I coped with things. When my step-mom’s mother passed away in July, it changed something in all of them; and maybe even a little bit in myself. I still find it hard to let my family in, but one thing that I’ve acknowledged is that my family does love and care about me, no matter what they have always been there for me. I think that I might have always known that somewhere, but it took my step-mom losing her mother to really make me remember that.
I’m sure that Jordan is smiling down on all those that love and miss him, and hoping that his life will always be celebrated through his loved ones. I am quite sure that he is proud of you for everything that you are doing in your life, as am I. You are very much an encouragement to me. If you ever find yourself needing a little encouragement, let me know, and I’ll be there.
P.S. I got a “B” in that math class I was dreading…
Johnny
August 26, 2010
Jennie,I inspired u alot. It’s always good to go back to ur hometown and see ur families and friends and remember the good times and the bad times especially u has friends u loved and cared or dies. Liked me sometimes when I go back to St. Louis,MO to see my families and friends. I stills think of some of the good and some of the bad. I’m sure Jordan is watching over u and smiling right now.
Ashley
August 26, 2010
What a wonderful tribute to your friend, your hometown and yourself. You inspire me greatly. Thank you for sharing this with us, though I’m sure it was very difficult.
firstverb
August 26, 2010
Miss Jennifer,
I am so happy for you and Mr. Man, turning things, transforming them from mine and yours, to ours. It is sad, you having to give up some of your things though. But in the end things are just things, and things can be replaced. Unlike the memories which you will always have. Reading of you returning to the scene of the crime, so to speak, completes a circle in your life. I’m so sorry for the reason that took you back, but I’m happy you went. There are friends that I now wish, I would have said bye to properly. You are a better person for having done this. I hope you have a last few days’ of semi-bliss before school starts. Be well dear lady.
Have a glorious day.
rachael
August 26, 2010
Jennie;
i love that you always have something pertinent to say. its really difficult to find good blog reads. thanks for your time and effort here, it means a lot.
Jon
August 26, 2010
Yea!!!!!
Keep on Rockin’ in the free world!
Steve in T.O.
August 26, 2010
Love you right back kiddo. You are an inspiration to me…for real!
el rafa
August 26, 2010
it’s amazing and inspirational to see this girl become a beautiful young lady who is on her way to becoming a powerful woman and role model for girls who think that all they have is their looks. You’re making them look inside and see their full potential whatever it may be and is living in their hearts and mind. You are an inspiration to me jenn. I’ve never written online in my life but you obviously inspire me as well. Best of luck. Keep smiling and rocking those freclkles. I’ll do the same
Tony
August 26, 2010
Jennie~
I’m sorry for your loss and sorry you had to go through these last few weeks, but I know that- being who you are- you will turn it into something positive. Hang in there!
Matt
August 26, 2010
Jennie K, you kick ass.
Take care, from a fan.
Kevin
August 26, 2010
I’m glad you found the courage to meet this challenge head on. I wouldn’t expect anything less of you. No matter how a person engages this type of situation they are bound to come out the other end transformed, for better or worse. Nevertheless, these occasions provide us with closure. In your case, it served as another first, I’m sure. These moments are always icky, but they allow us to move forward, rather than linger in the past.
Your blog entries always inspire me. Interestingly enough, when its needed most. I started going through a tough time, right about the time your life up-ended, but rather than sink you opted to make your way to safety. Your journey and your words have always touched and moved me as well as motivate. Furthermore, your thoughts always give me a sense of peace. I will always be grateful for that, and I can’t thank you enough.
1smrtjock
August 27, 2010
Wow…what a small world it is, Jenny. I got my Masters at John F. Kennedy University back in the 90’s when it was located in Orinda. I lived in the hills above Walnut Creek for the first couple years and later moved out to Clayton. I actually did an internship out at St. Mary’s College in your hometown! Reading your blog makes me wonder if our paths ever crossed back in the day…lol. I’m sorry for your loss but excited for you at the same time as you move forward. Best of luck to you!
L.C.
August 27, 2010
Dear Jennie
Thank you for sharing your celebration of life. Life it seems is a series of hellos and good-byes. You seem to capture that so well in talking about your weekend to celibate Jordan. Life is a wonderful thing to live for all the surprises and curve balls it throws us. Our pasts are what we are today and the way we were then is not who we are today. We change to pursue our wants and safety at the time. Life as you point out with your ditzy girl friend from high school is how we change fit our surroundings and satisfy our own needs.
Connecting with our community at high school reunions and funerals ushers us to see each other in our changing lights, the perspective of the continuity of life we miss in our youth. Let us not judge our selves or others by perceived mistakes or wrong turns but understand our ambition to be a friend to ourselves and those around us. Friendship as well as intimate connection seems to be at the core of what we all want to discover.
It is always wonderful to hear the joy of people pursuing a passion like Jordan, wanting live his life and surf Ocean Beach. May your grief heal with the memories you take from having known him, good luck Kid. LC
J. Baynes
August 27, 2010
Jenny,
I hope you are doing okay. Losing childhood friends is not fun. It gives one a sense of morality. That is when you realize: Guess what? I may not be here forever. If you need to email or chat, email me (it says it is hidden). An old friend behind the scenes at Sex Rehab.
Jeff
Hoosier
August 27, 2010
You continue to amaze and of course, like the previous posters here, I congratulate you on your continual evolution. You relation of your California youth prompts a perhaps peculiar question in the mind of this Midwesterner, however: have you ever experienced Winter?
shushro
August 28, 2010
I listened to pennylane by you.
Thank you for introducing
such a masterpiece 🙂
Invisible Mikey
August 28, 2010
I believe the choices you’ve made to be present and open to life without excessive shielding through chemistry will continue to benefit you both as a writer and a person, Jenny.
You’ll feel and know all the people and things you love more as they really are – and have been. This honors what you love, including yourself. I have little time to write lately because I’m taking care of dying people full time, but I think of you and wish you success in your new awakenings and adventures.
(I have also been writing about downsizing and giving away what we do not need – with photos.)
CanadaPat
August 28, 2010
I would SO follow a sex and relationship blog/advice thingy if don by you!!!!!!!!!
Tod in Canada
August 28, 2010
Congratulations! 🙂 All steps on the right direction. Yours in recovery, Tod in Canafa
Meyhem
August 28, 2010
Hi Jennie.
I am very glad you started posting again.
I have found, as I get older, that it seems more and more like the only reward is to watch old friends, or even old enemies die of accidents, or even on purposes (new word?) It is depressing, at first.
However, as time goes on, I think you (or at least I) come to a fuller understanding of who those people were and what the had to teach me. I am greatful for every one of them, and the final lessons they had to teach me. they have made me MORE than I was.
Don’t get me wrong – It is not easy, nor should it be. I truly believe it is part of growth. Celebrate their lives, not their deaths. Remember what they have taught you. Remember that you (and they) are loved.
John Thompson
August 29, 2010
That was very nice,warming and heartfelt. I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve been there a few times myself. He will be missed and loved,but never forgotten. I will say that when you spoke of high school girl friends being shaped by society and their current place in life,that it makes me feel compelled to say,”welcome to society,we are glad you are here,we want you here and we love that you are here”
Russel
August 29, 2010
I didn’t know you were from the East Bay. I’m from Concord and am always in Moraga (most of my friends go to St. Mary’s).
Makes me feel that much more understanding and appreciative to your writing.
This piece was beautiful. Your wisdom shines through whenever you post.
Vitor
August 29, 2010
Hi Jennie,
I love your posts and I think you are such a beautiful person. I would love to meet you in person someday.
I’m also from SF (but originally from Brazil(. Ping me if you would like to talk more.
Derek McCrea
September 5, 2010
Going to the beach, I gotta go!