Coming up to midterms already. The year is flying by and I am falling into a state of utter exhaustion. Between the schooling, the studying, the working and the book turning in-ing, I am literally wondering how people who have done this, did this. Perhaps not the book thrown in as well, because I think that may be more psychological than anything, but a mom that has gone back to school, and still works a side job and the biggest job of all~ being a mother? A dad that goes back to school? Any adult that goes back to school and tries to maintain some sort of adult life? How do they all do it???
The simplicity of childhood, for the most part, is something for which I long. Get up, go to school, pass notes, passing grades. While I am not complaining about life, because goodness knows that the activities now consuming my time are blessed with grace and integrity, I am complaining about the lack of hours in the day and my apparent need for sleep. Jill told me once that as people get older, they tend to move in two directions: needing more sleep and needing less sleep. One of my best girlfriends is up at 5am. Ready to go. To take on the day. She drinks coffee for an hour before she starts calling family in Brazil and Argentina, because the world is not yet moving.
I, on the other hand, seem to need a good 8-10 hours of sleep, and if I get those hours in I can function fine all day. If I get anything less than 8, I feel like sleeping at work/school/bus/life and I feel as though I could sleep more, no problem. I haven’t always been this way though, I used to be up at 6am, 7am, no problem. I may have been going to bed at ten so that may explain it. Now I am going to bed at 2. It is kind of messing up.
So it’s time to quit being the woman that can do everything, and start being the woman that does what she can, the best she can.
Mr. Man and I are heading to Chicago for a wedding this upcoming weekend, and when I come home, the restaurant will have hired a new hostess that can pick up some additional shifts. I will simply say that I can only work three days a week. That extra day, those extra seven hours, are killing me. It seemed so fabulous in theory, in crazy addict mind theory, that I go to school full time, work the closing shift 7-2 four nights a week, finish a book, maintain relationships, go to yoga and breathe and sleep. But as with that extra sociology class, I do not need to overdo it. I don’t need to kill myself to prove to myself that I can kill myself. Go hard or go home has no place here. So….
I am granting myself permission to work smarter, not harder. If that means making a little less money each month, then so be it. I will survive. If that means working less so that I am not completely exhausted at the end or beginning of each day, then so be it. I can only do what I can do. I can push, and strive, but I am not willing to hurt myself anymore.
It’s time to take care of myself. 
Becoming Jennie 
Lane Lovegrove
October 14, 2011
Hey Jennie, thank you for posting this. I mentioned a month or so ago (at the start of the semester) that I too, started my first semester this year in grad school. Well I had to drop a class that directly interfered with my work but the professor understood (especially as he is also my boss) and I’ve realized lately that I am not doing enough reading in my remaining class. Instead I’m treating it like every night was just an ordinary everyday night, come home, take out the dogs, make dinner, watch TV for 4 hours, go to bed, repeat. (which gives me a full 7.5 hours) Nope I need to be reading and writing. I am also working on a book as well (but not nearly to the same degree as you are) which I NEED TO MAKE PROGRESS IN >8/…) anyway, glad to see I’m not alone in all this. Good luck and try taking short little 20 minute naps here and there through out the day they REALLY make a difference. Lane
Sean Hansell
October 14, 2011
You ask how the old fogeys do all the stuff life forces them to do and still go back to school? The answer is “SLOWER”. You’ll find most of them only take a course per semester, who if they are insanely adventurous. Once you get to that age, you sleeping habits don’t just change, but you’re entire outlook on life tends to be that of slowing down to enjoy time more. This theory doesn’t make sense to anyone under 30, so I don’t recommend taking that approach. Hit life over the head while you’re still young (and you are still young), so that you have more time to slow down and enjoy it later.
Good luck with everything.
Jay Sullivan
October 14, 2011
You’re so smart! You know what you have to do.
Stephster
October 14, 2011
When I was in college….the first time….I worked 3 jobs. Mornings in the school library, evenings til Midnight at the local video store, and I commuted to the rural areas of the Central Valley once or twice a week to teach music lessons. By the time I quit school, all that I was taking were music courses for my major at the time because I had nothing left to give to my education.
I work a full-time job now (40 hours a week) and I am in school full-time, but I have had to learn to manage my time more efficiently. Sometimes weekends are no longer a free day to sit around all day and do nothing, but I try to schedule something for myself every day–even if it’s just an hour or two to play a game, watch television, or I designate one night where I just don’t do any homework…like Friday or Saturday nights. What I do with that time is up to me. It may not be a lot, but it doesn’t make me feel as if I have no life.
After all, if you don’t take care of yourself, then how are you improving yourself? Good on’yah Jen.
theduffboy
October 14, 2011
I understand where you are coming from. I can’t see myself returning to college anytime soon (all I need to graduate is completing my bachelor’s thesis). Sleep is something I can’t make my mind about: though I need it tons of it, I’d much rather be reading or doing something else (anything else) than actually sleeping. That reminds me, I want to see The Machinist, a movie that will probably scare me straight into nap time!
Invisible Mikey
October 14, 2011
All your choices sound, well, sound. And to (completely unnecessarily) answer your rhetorical “How do they do it?” They (we) just do it, and one or more of the areas on the list will inescapably suffer a drop in quality. You become a B instead of A student, or a less-attentive parent, or emotionally more remote partner, or rotate the inadequate performances around the circle. That’s the downside of multitasking. Everything gets done less properly.
You seem to understand this already, Jennie. As a recovering workaholic who ran himself into the ground needlessly for decades, I’m glad to see you put more value upon maintaining a healthier balance and doing a bit less in order to do it all better.
Joseph A. Vasta
October 14, 2011
We all get tired one way or another. I have gotten tired of being of doing the job I used to have. I had to take a break and find something else to do. You went from being Penny Flame and you grew tired of being her. Now you wanted to reawaken your real self. Wake up Jennifer Ketcham the world is your oyster.
salmacis99
October 14, 2011
Learning and accepting our limitations is often a difficult thing to do- because it drives home the fact that we’re not invincible. You DO have to take care of yourself first. As you learned before, money isn’t everything- but happiness and peace of mind is. Do what you need to do- for YOU 🙂
thirtywhatisnext
October 14, 2011
Jennie,
You are a very special woman, because you are genuine is possible to see thru you. You are transparent with your feelings and that gives you so many layers to learn from. Thank you for sharing your journey.
kevin
October 15, 2011
Everybody has their reasons for going back to school. Its not easy going back a second time. I did it myself. The drive is harder then the first time you go to school. Re-entry students want to go school, vs. the student that goes right out of high school. The high school student generally is there not because they want to be, but because they are supposed to. The re-entry student wants to be there, and takes ownership of the task, so they want it more.
It takes sacrifice, and will. But more importantly, it takes balance. Not that I ever really found that myself at that time in my life. I don’t know if it was harder because I was older. I think it was harder, because I drove myself harder. This seems to be the same for you. I wouldn’t think of it as a weakness to yield to this new lifestyle. Instead, consider it a victory. Its just one more moment in your adult life when you were able to step back and put your ego in check, and allow yourself to do what’s right for you, and not give into another unhealthy drive that gives you momentum for all the wrong reasons.
michael92105
October 15, 2011
We need rest in recovery…quiet your mind so that you can stay close to God. Remember “to wear the world as a loose garment” and if that means shedding some responsibilities to stay sober (not dry or just clean but really sober–you know the cliche, “happy, joyous and free”) than take some action and just stop. You are on a slippery slope. Remember HALT? Get back on the beam or you will eventually lose everything.
phillip puzzo
October 15, 2011
hi….wanted to know if we know eachother ….okc sphagetti warehouse……dinner?
sogetthis99
October 15, 2011
The math is a little confusing. If you’re working the 7-2 shift are you really going to bed at 2, or is it more like 3? I’m sorry if this means you’re getting even less sleep that you thought.
Is there something during the afternoon/evening that you might want to do instead of late night hostessing? You used to manage a studio and appear to have accumulated a great deal more business savy than a typical undergraduate. Are you interested in looking at office managing/light bookkeeping type options? Perhaps for that studio in Rehab where you had the interview with the lady exec?
matt
October 15, 2011
“I don’t need to kill myself to prove to myself that I can kill myself.”
Ha, I really liked that part. Glad you’ve come to this realization:)
shibajonz
October 16, 2011
Pretty smart thinking.
Michaela
October 16, 2011
keep on going…. its all part of this process called life. Thank you for sharing this incredible journey you are on with the world. Every time I read a post I feel as though someone else in this world understands this insanity in my head = ) Have a beautiful day and remember to take in every moment as it comes!
The little duck.
Now we’re ready to look at something pretty special, it’s a duck. Riding on the waves a hundred feet beyond the surf. It can rest while the Atlantic heaves. Because it rests IN the Atlantic. Probably it doesn’t know how large the ocean is. And neither do you. But what does it do I ask you? It sits down, in it. it rests in the immediate as though it were infinity. That’s religion and the little duck has it. -Unknown
becomingjennie
October 17, 2011
Awesome. Thank you.
Wills
October 16, 2011
Rest is the Best!
Tana H.
October 16, 2011
For me the smartest thing I ever did was change my status from full-time grad student to part-time student. After calculating my credits for graduation I will only be going to school two extra quarters. So instead of getting my MSW in three quarters I will get it in five, six if I really hit a snag somewhere. Those two extra quarters are nothing compared to the 13 years I spent waiting to go to grad school.
Can I borrow “I don’t need to kill myself to prove that I can kill myself”? And as a fellow recovering Type-A personality may I add that the only person we’re racing against is ourselves? So let’s remember we’re in a marathon.
Oh and mini study breaks are important,like going to a blog that you really like. 🙂
Thanks for being my study break, again. I’ve off to go study for tomorrow’s quiz on object relations theory.
becomingjennie
October 17, 2011
Yes, the race is long isn’t it??? Thank you, I needed the reminder about racing myself.
Do well on your quiz and thank you for being my study break too!!
Andy
October 17, 2011
Recently I lamented that there just are not enough hours in the day to do what I have to do. A very wise friend of mine pointed out that “We are all given the same 24 hours in a day; the trick is what we do with them.”
stewart
October 17, 2011
Hey Jennie, I know exactly where you are coming from. When I went back to university I was a single dad of two kids and balancing work, parenting and study was very difficult. I ended up doing three night shifts a week one of which was on a friday night. this gave me a good bit of the weekend to make up for lost sleep. It all became a matter of fitting these shifts around the less busy days of university when I maybe had less classes than other days. You just have to be able recognize where your limits are and stay within them. I am sure you will do great though. As I said before, look how far you have come already! Just pace yourself and you will be fine.
michael92105
October 18, 2011
Dear Jennie — Hope you have found some serenity. The challenges we can tackle now are really something I never imagined being able to begin to deal with before. How was the wedding? Take good care and stay close.
Hoosier
October 18, 2011
You gain fresh wisdom on a seemingly daily basis and you express it so eloquently. Yes, you may long for the supposed simplicity of childhood but, if you remember, childhood wasn’t that stress-free. Plus, when you were in it, you longed for the supposed privilege and freedom of adulthood….
michael92105
October 18, 2011
This is not a competition; there is no finish line…enjoy the day, it’s all we have! Hug your dog 😉
juaniglesias
October 19, 2011
Achievement implies struggle, but everybody has their limits and no-one can be superwoman.
It reminds me of my first degree, which I almost failed due to having too much on my plate at once, then I took my MSc at a slower pace and sailed through it. Seemingly small adjustments can really make a difference.
michael92105
October 22, 2011
Hey Jennie—I sent a couple replies but they never made it on your blog (apparently)…just felt the need to encourage you not to see life as a race. I am told this is not a competition between others, maybe within ourselves and our ideals hopefully, but there is no finish line except death. And with that in mind I am told to keep it in today. So enjoy the present, hug your dog and be grateful for the moment (like your dog!) Peace.
amy
October 22, 2011
Despite how it may sometimes seem, NO ONE can “do it all”…and that’s okay!
gerilewis001
October 27, 2011
Your relationship with God is important to your recovery. I had to take a break from school to keep my sobriety….I left you a comment on an older blog as to what I have been caught up in. Take care of yourself.
b.ryan.boo
October 27, 2011
Jennie: I came across your blog tonight. What an incredible journey you are on. I am so proud of you. I lived down the hall from you at Zura when we were 18 year old kids. I enjoyed taking classes with you and spending time chilling at the dorm pool, you were always such a genuine person. You are an amazing person and can be whatever you want to be. Keep working hard.
Love,
ben ryan
Annika
November 8, 2011
I know how you feel. I was taking 16 units at SMC this semester, but now I’m down to 13 and then, down to 8 units after tomorrow. 😦 Rest well.
Sober 23 Steven
November 11, 2011
One Day at a time
12sodmf!
Tristan
December 13, 2011
Penny Flame is still alive and well. She lives and breathes through millions of fiber optic connections the world over.. Her languid eroticism seeps out of your eyes and one day she will be released again. The lust cannot be slaked by turning away. She will cum again.