This morning, I stuck with my decision to be happy throughout the day, I spoke with Deezy and told him I’d made a decision and he said it was a great idea. I told him he could do the same and he said “ehh…maybe in a bit.” Sometimes he is grumpy in the morning, but he likes it. So I think he decided later to be happy. I painted for a bit, and took Saucy for a hike up the canyon, and then we snuggled and watched some L&O. Original steeez. I’m feeling pretty good. In case you can’t tell. The day of the cunty love duck has passed, and now, the day of the love duck is coming to a close.
I want to thank Leah for pointing me to a great blog, a woman named Havi and her business partner Selma (who is also a duck, and probably a love duck and perhaps occasionally a cunty love duck but I don’t know them well enough to make those kind of assumptions), I’ve been playing around all day, and it’s really just an amazing piece of work. I highly recommend it. http://www.FluentSelf.com/blog
And to Peter, who wrote the following comment…
Jennie, what would your advice be for someone stuck in a rut, where apathy is taking over?
I just realized in 14 days I bring up a year without a Full Time Job, after things ended with lawyers.
How do you get rid of that ’sick’ feeling and get the ‘mojo’ back?
Regular Reader,
Peter.
Peter… First I’d like to say congratulations on your one year anniversary of becoming free from whatever ties that happened to bind you. I am glad the lawyer stuff is now 352 days behind you. That is a good place to start. To remember that whatever happened a year ago is no longer happening today.
A year ago, I was stuck in a rut, but I didn’t realize it. It wasn’t until the job ended that I realized I am free to do whatever I wish to do. That’s the best thing about being in a rut, we have the freedom to travel in any direction. The hard thing has been deciding what to do. And it’s still an up and down minute by minute thing. So in the meantime, I don’t try to figure out what I want to do to get out of the rut for the rest of my life, I focus on what I can do in this moment to ensure that the next day will go well and I will feel healthy and happy.
Every night, before I hit the sack, I make two lists. I make a gratitude list, I write down as many things I can, and I make a TO DO list for the following day. I try to include at least two things I really enjoy doing. Even if they are just little things like reading the comments here, or having a cup of coffee at my favorite coffee shop down the street, or big things like taking Saucerton for a hike or going to a yoga class. Physical exercise really helps me stay positive and feel non-rutty. Especially if I get to bring my best blue friend with me.
I am all about lists, and there are two lists I keep with me at all times. An “Uh Oh” list and a “Horaay” list. The “Uh Oh” list has things I do or fail to do when I start to slip into rutsville, it’s usually things that start happening when I quit taking care of myself, which I’m known to do. I’ll write it down below. The “Horaay” list has things that make me feel good about myself, and I’ll write that down below as well. I won’t write the full extended version of what I carry in my purse, but you’ll get the idea… I know it might be a little obsessive to carry lists around that remind me of my state of mind, but it helps because sometimes I don’t realize I’m slipping into ickyness until I’m there. And even once I’m there, doing things on the “Horaay” list usually brings me out of it.
Uh Oh
Laundry Piling Up
More than 2 Hours of Law and Order
Dishes PIling up
I don’t feel like talking to anybody
I don’t want to write
I don’t want to paint
I smoke too many cigarettes
Lots of unchecked voicemails
Don’t feel cute or sexy
Feel like blegh about getting out of bed
Don’t want to answer phone calls
Walking too fast
Ignoring important emails
Horaay
Do laundry
Walk Saucy for no less than 30 minutes. Talk to her about my day
Do my dishes
Call my Dad. Or Angel. Or Mr. Man. Or Deezy. Or Jill. Or ANYBODY ON EARTH. Just reach out.
Read
Write about why I don’t want to write
Look at cool artwork around the web
Gym, Yoga, Dance, anything that I can’t smoke while doing
Listen to voicemails and call people back.
Remind myself I’m allowed a nap later in the day
Slow down and look around. Smell flowers. Watch clouds.
The list is actually quite long but this post is already becoming lengthy, so I’ll keep it short.
But sometimes the plain and simple truth is that we feel blegh and there is nothing to be done but remind ourselves that the feelings are not facts and everything passes in time. I know these seem like silly little things that don’t add up, but it’s the little things like this that have made me the plain old love duck I was today. Yesterday, the only thing I did on my “Horaay” list, aside from seeing Jill, was deciding that tomorrow (which is now today) I don’t have to be unhappy. So perhaps when you go to sleep tonight, have a conversation with yourself, outloud (outloud always makes it feel real) and decide that tomorrow, you are going to start climbing out of the rut, first doing little things like brushing teeth and making the bed, and then bigger things like walking around your neighborhood or smiling at the cute girl behind the coffee counter.
Also check out Havi’s site, she seems to be pretty good with destuckification (Havi’s word, not mine) although I wish), and I think you’ll at least get a laugh out of Selma.
Eric H.
March 11, 2010
‘destuckification’
nice one, Wordsworth!
btw, I’d like to add that music (either playing it or listening to it) can be a great destuckifier, as well.
take care
Meyhem
March 11, 2010
Magnificent Post! And Kudos for supporting others! We get well thru service, and you are walking the walk.
You also remind me that I need to walk Lila more. She is a great dog. A girl dog and a girly dog. Canine therapy Is AWESOME! She is currently sleeping sideways in the middle of my bed. I wish she woulden’t do that while I am trying to use it….
Luck and Prayers
Meyhem
badday
March 11, 2010
ya.. feeling guilty for not walking my girls more often. both love to sleep sideways.. i’m thankful for my king-sized bed.. but it doesn’t stop one of them from attempting to kick me off the bed in the middle of the night..
David
March 11, 2010
I love this, this is what we call compartmentalizing. Somedays when I have a Bill or something I have to take care of but don’t have the time. I write it on a list to forget about whatever’s it is that’s bugging me. Then after I’m able to finish what I have to do I take care of it. I can return to what originally was bothering me and tackle the problem. Yeah, for compartmentelizing I love it.
Jes
March 11, 2010
Today I am thankful that you have chosen to share your life and insights via this blog.
Alex
March 11, 2010
Thanks for the link to the Fluent Self site. It’s amazing. And thanks for this great blog. You’ve become a daily pit stop for me, and part of my recovery so I wanted to express my gratitude for that. I have a feeling as you move through the fellowship, that you’ll be of great help to a lot of people. I hope you allow yourself to feel good about that.
Alex W.
firstverb
March 11, 2010
Miss Jennifer,
“You are too concerned about what was and what will be. There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.” Kung Fu Panda.
Have a glorious day.
Invisible Mikey
March 11, 2010
Havi not only walks the walk, she can dance the dance too:
I’m not so big a fan of her verbal concentric multiboxing (metaphor-on-the-floor wordshift),
but I have big love for her silliness.
I’m more into Beatles-style writing. Use simple words to get across complex concepts. It’s what you do well.
KayKay
March 11, 2010
Great post. Thanks for the link, and for the sharing you do here. I’ve been reading for a while and just wanted to speak up and let you know it’s been helpful to me. Raw honesty helps me get to a place with my own. For instance.
TheKid420
March 11, 2010
Doing laundry is the worst, for years I have been trying to make it fun but it never works. I wonder how much of our life we lose to doing laundry and dishes.
Justin
March 11, 2010
Wonderful post! This really helps me with some things I have been working on. Thanks so much!
Rekha Kaula
March 11, 2010
Thanks for pointing me towards Havi’s blog. I feel Shiva Nata is exactly what I’ve been searching for….
T. Scott
March 11, 2010
Found your blog via The Waiter. Great post. I might take your idea about lists and start making them myself. I’m wondering what a “duck” is, but I guess I’ll have to plumb through the rest of your blog posts to find out. Anyway, I’m enjoying what I’m reading thus far.
Mae
March 11, 2010
Hey Jennie,
I like your list idea–I’m a huge “to do” list fan but never really thought of making a happy list. Maybe I’ll try it…
Also, just saw Sober House–you look super cute! I’m happy to know that months after the show was taped you are still doing so well 🙂
badday
March 11, 2010
found your site thru waiterrant..
which makes me wonder if someone is really looking out for me.. been hving bad days.. am hving bad day.. but the first post of yours that i read.. seems to be talking to me..
perhaps it really is..
just thought its probably good for both you and i that i put this down in words..
Homer
March 11, 2010
I just caught your spotlight on Carson Daly. I’ve never seen Dr Drew’s show, but you’re an impressive smart woman. Good for your new start. And your art is very cool!
Okay I know this comment has nothing to do with this post – but I just went right to your blog after seeing the Carson Daly segment & wanted to post.
I’ll definitely read more later!
Penny- sorry its my real name
March 12, 2010
Hey Jen…..its been a while since Ive read your blog….honestly the last time I read or commented was when you were going to Vegas for the Porno Conference…so I thought I would rather not know! Anywho..just watching Carson Daily & seeing that you are still on track…Love it..wanted to say you are Awesome & your blogs make more sense then you know to alot of People so…THANK YOU!
ajinnashville
March 12, 2010
Hi Jennie. I’d imagine you’ll be getting quite a few more readers thru your appearance on Carson Daly. I was really touched by the story of your desire to recover and reclaim your life, and what I’ve read in this post proves you are well on your way to doing that. Keep it up. 🙂
Simon from Oz
March 12, 2010
I find exercise one thing j have to do uo stay positive. I also came up with this as a must do each day::::: do something for yourself,for ur health, for ur family
Don
March 12, 2010
Jennie:
Take one day @ a time; and do one thing @ a time. Don’t worry about what people think. You’re doing fine. Your honesty is great.
Truly, Don
p.s. write me if you want to talk.
Luke:)
March 12, 2010
Hi I’m a recovering drug addict and got out of a clinic last auguest. I saw u on Carson and you’re an amazing person, keep sharing your day, writing truly does help. I’m gonna try the 2 lists at night. Very beautiful person.
Jena
March 12, 2010
I’m a big note taker myself – I have post its everywhere! So I absolutely love your Uh Oh/Horaay idea. The times you don’t feel inspired, just know that you inspire so many people (like me) =]
Delilah
March 12, 2010
Jenny I love your lists because I feel the same way you do all the time, I relate to your uh oh list (the title is cute btw)and saying stuff out loud just might help.
Hayden
March 12, 2010
I’m sure your going to get a million hits to night after the carson daily show, but I must say, your part on his show really got my attention. I really like the blog that I just read from you, I guess it’s from today, because you write daily blogs, but it’s was like a breathe of fresh air. I actually envy you from able to be independent and continue to survive financially by your talents. I will continue to check your site as much as I can, just to see how you doing, it can tell it helps me focus on what I need to do for some weird reason.
J
March 12, 2010
Jennie,
I just watched the first episode of Sober House last night. I am thrilled that you are in this season. I am so happy on how far your sobriety trip has taken you. I have been sober now for 25 months and loving it. I, too, was a part of the Entertainment Industry for 12 years. You are one of my favorites to watch. Keep up the excellent work because you have fans behind you all of the way.
My best to you!
J
Jake
March 12, 2010
I have on my fridge a “thought for the day” I clipped from my local paper when I was in very early recovery. It reads, “I decided to change when my old rut ran out.” I look at this several times a day and it usually gets me to think about something in a slightly different way. It reminds me that a day is just a day; any value, good, bad, indifferent, is mine alone to give to it. How I respond to the people and situations I encounter during that day are what will make or break it.
A gratitude list is huge for me, as is a do-over list. Both help me to stay right sized. If worse comes to worst, I just remind myself that I haven’t been sober today before, so I should see what its like.
L
March 12, 2010
My old sponsor used to say that when we were stuck, God was holding us in place so he could work on us at a very deep level. Some days, this sounds like horseshit, and some days it makes sense.
Is your interlocutor who feels stuck in recovery–does he have a sponsor? I feel almost sorry for people who don’t have to practice the 12 steps to live, because where do they turn for clear-cut direction when the abyss looms? The one thing I know for sure–seriously, I only know one thing for sure, which is that stopping thinking about one’s own self and getting up and actively being of service to someone else has virtually no downside. It’s medicine for almost any ill, although it doesn’t always make me feel better in the moment. In concert with working a solid 10th and 11th step, it’s a rule of thumb that I have discovered through practice is nearly always the right one to follow. Have doubts? Find someone else who needs help.
But doing laundry is never a bad idea, either.
firstverb
March 12, 2010
Miss Jennifer,
Just saw your Carson Daly segment. Wow, loved it, got to hear your story as told by you. Got to see you as you, and didn’t dwell on the past other than to show how far you’ve come. It was very positive and inspirational and just wish it was longer. It was good seeing you surrounded by your art, doing your art. I hope this exposure gives you many more followers on your journey down this road. The more people that see you as this wonderful person that you are and that your working to be, the less will identify you as that persona that you once were.
Thank you for all your great work.
Have a glorious day.
j.t.w.g.
March 12, 2010
Regarding your huffingtonpost post about chase bank: you’re probably already aware of this, but if you haven’t done it yet and your info was compromised, you should either place a “fraud alert” or “credit freeze” on your reports.
I believe that each is different and both have drawbacks, but they should provide you with some peace of mind.
Chicky
March 12, 2010
Hi Jennifer,
I watched the bonus episodes for SH online and once again, find myself rooting for you and your continuing recovery so much! It was so apparent, even in that early stage, how much you *wanted* recovery, how *willing* you were to go to any lengths to get it, the work you were already doing in order to facilitate your recovery–wow.
I think you’ve found strength you never suspected you had inside.
Keep up that whole-hearted effort and tell Saucy that she has a great mom–because she does. 🙂
Continued prayers for even more healing, peace, happiness and awesome recovery. Take care and God bless.
jhoop
March 16, 2010
I too am a list maker. No matter how small I write it down. The feeling of accomplishment when you cross something off the list is like giving yourself little gold stars. Baby steps, I know, but whatever works. I had no idea you were going to be on SH and was thrilled to see you. You look awesome and healthy and glowing. You are really working it and it shows.
D
March 12, 2010
Along with all the nice things everyone else is saying, I just love the fact you love Law and Order. Huge fan here. That’s all 🙂 And congrats on going back to school this summer!
John
March 13, 2010
some people my think the things on your list are silly because they are “little” but i think it’s the little things that make life worth living…big things don’t happen every day, but every day is filled with many little things…and they do add up 🙂
Big Sexy Momma
March 13, 2010
Jennie: I have been watching you on both shows and just wanted to tell you as a mom, I’m so very proud of you! You keep up the good work and say fuck the negative people! You are real and honest and that is a rare trait these days! HANG IN THERE!
Big Sexy Momma
March 13, 2010
Oh and I found you through Waiterrant! I’m a night owl but Carson is to late for even me! 🙂
Cheryl Demouey
March 13, 2010
Jennifer I watched your entire series of Celebrity Rehab and by some weird coincident I woke up the other night to see you on Carson Daily talking about your blog and was stoked to see how you had been doing. And the fact that you were doing good was even better for me. See I am a recovering drug addict been clean now for 2 years so I know all about your daily struggles to try and remain happy in life. Just wanted to let you know I am a huge fan and even tho you dont know me from Eve I can be here for you via email. I am rooting for you Jennifer. You are a beautiful person and never let anyone tell you any different. oh please tell Dr. Drew that I think he is the absolute greatest dr. there is. He helps me you know helping you guys I learn new things about myself. Anyways hope this isnt weird or anything like my husband says. LOL God Bless You and Good Luck!!!
Meg Winters
March 13, 2010
You’re still writing!! Yay!
Jackson Martin
March 13, 2010
you know i used to watch youre videos all the time on the net…………..i was addicted to porn, im better now, i used exercise and playing music to over come…………………..i really think this suits you better and i am very happy for you.
Always a fan
Jackson
harry
March 14, 2010
this is unrelated to your posts here, but their all great and i enjoy reading them. I was wondering if you could link to your huffpost articles on your blog. I think it would be cool and might raise your readership
gonenb
March 14, 2010
I love how you give funny names to everything, including your lists.
Maybe there’s a nice iPhone app that helps, like give you warning to do the laundry every week, and nag until you check that you actually did it.
Adam
March 15, 2010
Hello Jennie.
First, I have to admit that I was a really huge fan of your work in “the industry”. Then I saw a segment about you on Carson Daly talking about overcoming all the vices that you have to overcome. I also must admit that I don’t watch “Sober House”, or whatever, because I don’t really care much for reality TV, but I was compelled by your story. It was not that long ago for me, I battled alcohol and drug problems of my own that nearly cost me my life, so in a way, I can empathize. I got help to clean myself up, and haven’t done any drugs in almost two years, but I still struggle with alcohol. It takes every once of my being to resist, not regress. Although I’ve been without a drink in weeks, it’s still hard to stay sober.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that, although I was a fan of your persona in the industry, I now consider myself a fan of the real you. You’re a really beautiful person, and you’re really brave for confronting your problems, putting them out there for the world to see, and I fully support you in your battle to stay sober to become that person you want to be.
Just wanted to let you know that. God bless you, and take care.
Emily Jo Hood
March 15, 2010
THANKS, for staying encouraging and for your awesome forward movement of positive thought. ❤ (=
sarahbfrom
March 15, 2010
Hey Jennie, I loved this post — it inspired me to do a post about lists on my blog. The uh-oh list is brilliant!
http://studentofchange.com/2010/03/15/make-a-list-your-brain-will-thank-you/
Lillyflowers
March 15, 2010
Hi Jenny
First I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your experiences. Your posts articulate what I have not been able to. You are brave and awesome. I am too and it’s taken me a gillion years to say that without full-on sheepishness. I found you through a shout-out you got on another blog I follow for inspiration – http://studentofchange.com/2010/03/15/make-a-list-your-brain-will-thank-you/#more-370 Right on!
Continued peace, lady bug!
pat
March 15, 2010
nice…i liked it
KittyCat
March 16, 2010
Jennie, you are an inspiration. I haven’t been able to stop reading your blog. You are an incredibly talented young woman, and I look forward to tons of great art, both written and visual, from you in the future. Please, write a book as soon as possible. I will read it the day it comes out.
Theresa Jane
March 16, 2010
Lovin’ the list idea. I think it’s great, my do that same myself.
I had to laugh because on my last comment I shared about my “switch to gratitude” and then I read this post and see that you are active in “the switch”. Interesting how those of us on the path to healing and true-freedom seem to cross paths 🙂
Theresa Jane
firstverb
March 16, 2010
Miss Jennifer,
May the sun bring you new energy every day.
May the moon softly restore you by night.
May the rain wash away your worries.
May the breeze blow new strength into your being.
May you walk gently through the world
and know its beauty all the days of your life.
I hope you have safe travels and look forward to seeing you on the View. I hope you have all the right words at just the right time. Or maybe I should jut say break a leg.
Have a glorious day.
Alicia
March 20, 2010
hi jennie! you really are just too sweet for words! i noticed that you said you paint and look at art on the web. do you ever post any of your work? i love to paint and lots of other mediums… it really helps me keep the crazy out of my head.you may have already heard of some of these artists i’m going to list but i really, truly think you might enjoy and be inspired by some of them. these are a few of my favorites! if you get a chance to check em out, let me know if you like!!
camillerosegarcia.com
brandimilne.com
kukulaland.com
amysol.com
travislouie.com
i have so many more but i really hope you love these as much as i do! i just had to share them when i read that you look around the web for art. i love doing that… it keeps me inspired to work on my projects. even though i hardly ever finish anything. oh well, thanks for your awesome blog! so glad i found it!
Alicia
March 20, 2010
DOH!!!! i just saw that you have a page for your art!!!! yay!! here i go to check it out!!
cored
May 14, 2010
I’m currently working the list o’ bad things versus the list o’ good things too.
It helps.
It’s mostly easy to not do the stuff on the bad list. I just gotta try and not get stuck too long on the actual lists, and actually do the stuff I know I need to to do.
Starting is often an issue. I should really be doing something else right now, so…
Hope everything works out for you.