And So It Begins…Again…

Posted on March 9, 2010


Not like anything is really beginning, or has ended, or any of this will change any of the things I’ve committed to doing, but the new season of Sober House is posted up on, and it kicks off the follow up show to Sex Rehab. I filmed Sober House back in July, entered into the house with just under 90 days of sobriety, and when I disappeared from this blog for awhile, or only wrote cryptic messages, that is where I was, I was unable to talk about the filming, and found it difficult to talk about what was going on in daily life because in daily life I was contractually obligated to keep my mouth shut. It’s interesting to explore the feelings with this new show airing. The first show, I was so nervous that somehow, the airing of SR would change me and the relationships around me. After going through that, after deciding that there will be no change aside from the changes I’ve already made, it’s nice to approach this new show with the same attitude. The “I’ve already done this, and it’s not going to change a thing in regard to my sobriety,” attitude. On a few different notes…

I spoke with one of my best girlfriends who is over at UCLA studying law, told her I want to retake the classes I had received C’s in… she laughed and said not only can I not retake them, but that its silly. She said those are good marks to remind me of what happens when I quit caring. She also said my success in school now will only highlight how far I’ve come. She is a good girl that one. Smart cookies. So I’ve only 6 units before I’m able to transfer… Here comes summer.

I’d like to make this very clear, because maybe what I said was vague. I do not blame dropping out of school, or getting shitty marks on drugs. It’s not like pot or cocaine did my homework, and fucked up my test scores. I’m entirely accountable, for my actions and my inactions. Mr. Professor commented the following, and I’d like to post it here in full, just to have a look.

Please don’t start with the “I blame drugs for ruining my life” cop out.

YOU are the reason you didn’t pass/excel in your classes…not drugs. I for one smoke pot at least 3 times a week; I’m a professor at a well known and esteemed university.

I know students who smoke and maintain excellent marks, while others (not enrolled in the university I teach at) fall into the same rut you had and of course, all of them cry “victim of drugs”…which is a fancy and empathy-sucking way of saying “I was lazy, couldn’t handle pleasure and business at the same time, and I still won’t accept responsibility for my actions!”

I will not be visiting this blog again.

My pleasure and business fell beyond 3 times a week. When I was in school, starting at age 16, I smoked pot regularly. Which was fine, aside from the fact that I couldn’t remember everything. So I studied harder. When I went to SDSU, I was smoking over 1/8 a day, drinking every night, and in the spring semester of my sophomore year started using cocaine on a daily basis, also upwards of an eightball a day. It’s not like I would go to class and then come home, relax and take a few hits off a pipe. I smoked weed starting at 6am, continued to do so throughout the day, and when that didn’t get me high, because there came a point where smoking weed felt normal, I started using cocaine in the same manner. I did lines of blow in the back of classrooms, overdosed in the passenger seat of cars driving home from school, couldn’t make it to an interview to receive a scholarship I’d already been approved for. I CHOSE to do drugs over finishing school because I had no coping skills to deal with trauma. It had NOTHING to do with pleasure.

The summer before my sophomore year ended when three friends my age died, one each month until Christmas, and then my grandfather. Ever since, I’ve had at least 2 friends die every year, in 2007, 8 friends and my dog Lunchbox. Beginning in 2002, I faced my own mortality by facing the mortality of those I loved, and I didn’t know how to do that. March of 2003 I was raped, and I didn’t know how to deal with that either, in fact I didn’t even talk about it until entering rehab in 09. So I turned to drugs and spring 2003, dropped out of school. I had an alcoholic mother, a father I refused to speak with, and one professor I trusted, the rest were too busy, or too whatever. I would never encourage any of your students to reach out to you if they are looking for a compassionate ear. God forbid a young woman whose grades are declining comes to you asking for help and you tell her she is lazy and can’t handle business and pleasure at the same time. For some people, and me, using drugs is my slow “lazy” way of killing myself, because I don’t have the fucking balls to do it with a gun. So yeah, it was my fault my grades dropped. It was my fault I dropped out of school. And now, years later, I’m accepting responsibility for my actions and doing my best to change my life.

And to those who can use drugs and drink recreationally, I tip my hat. I am not (and was not) at a point in my life where I used for the right reasons. I used to numb. Period. I am still an advocate for the legalization of marijuana, but I don’t have any sort of pain or disease or cancer where using marijuana would be necessary. I can feel just as relaxed by hitting a yoga class at the gym and I don’t get fat from eating eggo waffles covered in cream cheese and syrup, I can remember what I do day to day, I am not satisfied with being mediocre and living a mediocre life, which is what I turn into when I smoke pot. But that’s just me. I’m glad being stoned works for some people, but I am not one of those people, and I’d prefer my teachers to be in their right minds as well. As a person who apparently has connections with young impressionable students, I wouldn’t go around waving your “addiction is bullshit” flag. You’re going to hurt a lot of people by not being open to the possibility that for some, using drugs has nothing to do with pleasure. Good luck, and peace out.

(Sorry to the rest who read this, homeboy just kinda pissed me off….)

Posted in: Good Days