Not like anything is really beginning, or has ended, or any of this will change any of the things I’ve committed to doing, but the new season of Sober House is posted up on VH1.com, and it kicks off the follow up show to Sex Rehab. I filmed Sober House back in July, entered into the house with just under 90 days of sobriety, and when I disappeared from this blog for awhile, or only wrote cryptic messages, that is where I was, I was unable to talk about the filming, and found it difficult to talk about what was going on in daily life because in daily life I was contractually obligated to keep my mouth shut. It’s interesting to explore the feelings with this new show airing. The first show, I was so nervous that somehow, the airing of SR would change me and the relationships around me. After going through that, after deciding that there will be no change aside from the changes I’ve already made, it’s nice to approach this new show with the same attitude. The “I’ve already done this, and it’s not going to change a thing in regard to my sobriety,” attitude. On a few different notes…
I spoke with one of my best girlfriends who is over at UCLA studying law, told her I want to retake the classes I had received C’s in… she laughed and said not only can I not retake them, but that its silly. She said those are good marks to remind me of what happens when I quit caring. She also said my success in school now will only highlight how far I’ve come. She is a good girl that one. Smart cookies. So I’ve only 6 units before I’m able to transfer… Here comes summer.
I’d like to make this very clear, because maybe what I said was vague. I do not blame dropping out of school, or getting shitty marks on drugs. It’s not like pot or cocaine did my homework, and fucked up my test scores. I’m entirely accountable, for my actions and my inactions. Mr. Professor commented the following, and I’d like to post it here in full, just to have a look.
Please don’t start with the “I blame drugs for ruining my life” cop out.
YOU are the reason you didn’t pass/excel in your classes…not drugs. I for one smoke pot at least 3 times a week; I’m a professor at a well known and esteemed university.
I know students who smoke and maintain excellent marks, while others (not enrolled in the university I teach at) fall into the same rut you had and of course, all of them cry “victim of drugs”…which is a fancy and empathy-sucking way of saying “I was lazy, couldn’t handle pleasure and business at the same time, and I still won’t accept responsibility for my actions!”
I will not be visiting this blog again.
My pleasure and business fell beyond 3 times a week. When I was in school, starting at age 16, I smoked pot regularly. Which was fine, aside from the fact that I couldn’t remember everything. So I studied harder. When I went to SDSU, I was smoking over 1/8 a day, drinking every night, and in the spring semester of my sophomore year started using cocaine on a daily basis, also upwards of an eightball a day. It’s not like I would go to class and then come home, relax and take a few hits off a pipe. I smoked weed starting at 6am, continued to do so throughout the day, and when that didn’t get me high, because there came a point where smoking weed felt normal, I started using cocaine in the same manner. I did lines of blow in the back of classrooms, overdosed in the passenger seat of cars driving home from school, couldn’t make it to an interview to receive a scholarship I’d already been approved for. I CHOSE to do drugs over finishing school because I had no coping skills to deal with trauma. It had NOTHING to do with pleasure.
The summer before my sophomore year ended when three friends my age died, one each month until Christmas, and then my grandfather. Ever since, I’ve had at least 2 friends die every year, in 2007, 8 friends and my dog Lunchbox. Beginning in 2002, I faced my own mortality by facing the mortality of those I loved, and I didn’t know how to do that. March of 2003 I was raped, and I didn’t know how to deal with that either, in fact I didn’t even talk about it until entering rehab in 09. So I turned to drugs and spring 2003, dropped out of school. I had an alcoholic mother, a father I refused to speak with, and one professor I trusted, the rest were too busy, or too whatever. I would never encourage any of your students to reach out to you if they are looking for a compassionate ear. God forbid a young woman whose grades are declining comes to you asking for help and you tell her she is lazy and can’t handle business and pleasure at the same time. For some people, and me, using drugs is my slow “lazy” way of killing myself, because I don’t have the fucking balls to do it with a gun. So yeah, it was my fault my grades dropped. It was my fault I dropped out of school. And now, years later, I’m accepting responsibility for my actions and doing my best to change my life.
And to those who can use drugs and drink recreationally, I tip my hat. I am not (and was not) at a point in my life where I used for the right reasons. I used to numb. Period. I am still an advocate for the legalization of marijuana, but I don’t have any sort of pain or disease or cancer where using marijuana would be necessary. I can feel just as relaxed by hitting a yoga class at the gym and I don’t get fat from eating eggo waffles covered in cream cheese and syrup, I can remember what I do day to day, I am not satisfied with being mediocre and living a mediocre life, which is what I turn into when I smoke pot. But that’s just me. I’m glad being stoned works for some people, but I am not one of those people, and I’d prefer my teachers to be in their right minds as well. As a person who apparently has connections with young impressionable students, I wouldn’t go around waving your “addiction is bullshit” flag. You’re going to hurt a lot of people by not being open to the possibility that for some, using drugs has nothing to do with pleasure. Good luck, and peace out.
(Sorry to the rest who read this, homeboy just kinda pissed me off….)
Becoming Jennie 
Dani
March 9, 2010
IMO, you were pretty clear about what caused your grades to plummet. You didn’t cite anything about addiction; you said that your grades dropping directly correlated with how much more you were smoking and partying. It’s a true story for a LOT of students who leave home. You and I are the same age; I know quite a few people who did the same when they went off to school, and it wasn’t necessarily related to trauma.
You don’t have to defend your reasons for disappearing into a bottle, a bong or any other drug of choice. That was then, and it’s over. How many days is it again? I know you have to be coming up pretty darn close to one year sober.
This is a safe place, and it’s your place. Most of us understand your story before we ever open our mouths. You’re doing an amazing thing with your life, and you’ve been given a second chance at the things that slipped away the first time. I know that part of recovery is to be objective, but maybe this is one instance where it’s better to look at the positives and say, “Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.” That guy is clearly an asshole, period. And furthermore, if I were paying tuition at a “well known and esteemed university,” I would be pretty disappointed to find out that all my profs were consistently baked. I am willing to bet that he does not have his **** together as well as he thinks he does.
You’re an inspiration to a lot of people, me included. I hope you know that.
Michael
March 9, 2010
I get it.
Well, Mr. Professor doesn’t. I’m glad he’s a norm (wtf that is).
You’re not.
I’m not.
I can’t talk to my norm wife who has a glass or half a glass or 1 1/3 glasses of wine with dinner and leaves the rest. Makes me crazy and this is, like, lots of years later.
So I can’t talk with them about what crutches feel like, and how they don’t work, and no, I’m not as recovered as you, I DO have eggos and cream cheese…with strawberry compote.
Sh–t. Now I’m gonna go slip with eggos.
edcincy
March 9, 2010
Jennie,
When it comes to people like this, do what we all should do at times of confrontation.
Ignore them. Turn and walk away.
Your mistakes of the past are in the past. Take that new clear head of yours and walk toward your future.
You have and acceptance and understanding of why you did what you did. That’s more than can be said for most people.
March on.
Luke
March 9, 2010
Great Post! Second time I have read your post and I think it is really good. Im not a big reader, but your blogs are really interesting and not boring to read. Keep it up! Thanks. Later.
Andreas
March 9, 2010
hello jennie i saw you on tv and im on the same
situation.
Kelly
March 9, 2010
Kudos on wanting to even go back to school! Most people never attempt to go back. I’ve been in the same position in school. To people like that professor, who apparently thinks that those letters behind his name give him the key to all the answers on life, if you’ve never had anything poison your life like an addiction, it’s going to be almost impossible to understand. You’ll come out 1000 times stronger of a person because of the things you’ve learned throughout all this. Good Luck!
Stacey
March 9, 2010
That. Was. Awesome. 🙂 Sometimes it feels so good to get exactly what you have to say off of your chest, exactly how you want to say it. Especially when it is extremely warranted, and I believe this was. Keep on doing what you’re doing. It’s working for you and that’s all that matters. God bless.
John A. Cargo
March 9, 2010
Jennie. I’m–well, I can’t really say speechless, can I–taken aback that a college professor would act that way.
I also agree with you, and that you’re right to be pissed off. I know Professors at my college at LSSU that would not only frown at such drug use but would probably lead the charge to kick said person out–if not string him up outright.
Chances are, those same professors would help you if you reached out.
Okay, that out of the way, I wish you luck going back to school.
amy Bryan
March 9, 2010
AMEN! Sing it, sister…
Jess
March 9, 2010
I don’t mean any offense by the following comment at all, I’m honestly just curious. It’s become pretty public that VH! or Drew Pinksy or whomever pays the people on his Rehab/Sober House shows for their appearances, in fact a couple of celebrities said they got $250K for Celebrity Rehab. I’m just wondering, if you did his show twice, how could you possibly have the money problems with Mercedes that you talk about? OR like be so worried about the cost of UCLA?
Again, no offense intended, maybe you didn’t get paid a lot, or maybe you have other things going on you don’t talk about. But a lot of us unemployed/underemployed folks with our own drug problems might be a little curious/jealous?
David Zimmerman
March 9, 2010
Thanks so much for this post, Jennie. As the father of two young children and an employee of an educational facility, I am constantly reminded of the choices I made and the subsequent repercussions. It’s a hard reality, but the fact is future generations won’t get messages about living any better than from those of us who screwed up.
As you said, “for some, using drugs has nothing to do with pleasure.” It’s also true that for some, making bad choices isn’t really much of a choice when there doesn’t seem to be any way out from the pain of trauma. Some of us couldn’t afford to face the truth or come forward about it, so numbing made sense at the time.
It takes a great deal of courage to turn a life around completely, especially considering society’s “devil-may-care” attitude regarding substance abuse. Your post makes one wonder what the professor is running from. Regardless of a person’s status, escape is still escape.
Good for you, kiddo. ODAAT, sending serenity and safe hugs your way. I’ll have to check out Sober House. Thanks for the update 🙂
thedcam
March 9, 2010
Wow, that is a lot of friends to go, seems like the smartest strategy would be to make less friends, define less people as your friends, or maybe just get more enemies, at least you know they’d probably just end up being happy and healthy, statistically speaking.
Jay
March 9, 2010
I teach ethics part time in a minor league university. I teach about fear, anxiety, addiction and the brain mechanisms that hijack your decision making ability. Also I teach about mindfulness and the way old habits are broken and new habits established. I hope it helps my students.
I have learned a lot from the various “Rehab with Dr. Drew” shows, especially the early episodes in the various series when you see withdrawal behavior and the late episodes where you see relapse behavior. So in a way you are helping me help my students. (Assuming it actually all works out as I plan.)
Daniel Thompson "Magic"
March 9, 2010
Hi Jen, Just to say that you have done an amazing job of turning your life around, i wish i could accomplish what you have done. Sorry to hear about the rape but i must tell you that there are more people out there that will help you and be friendly rather than hurt you; they’re just really difficult to find.
You seem to have adopted the “today is the first day of the rest of my life attitude” and it seems to work. Hope you are well and today brings you joy. I think you should knuckle down and get studying and you can achieve what you want.
Give my love to everyone in LA, i am moving out there soon 🙂
Jesse
March 9, 2010
Professor, isn’t he stranded on a deserted island island with 6 other douche bags? He’s suppose to be the smartest guy there and still can’t seem to get them all off the island – or get any play.
Aaron
March 9, 2010
Prof. Apathy up there probably uses more frequently than he or she claims to and it likely doesn’t stop with pot. In my experience many users look at those in recovery with disdain, probably for showing a strength they don’t have themselves.
Chin up, keep fighting the good fight, and don’t let the bastards get you down.
Katie
March 9, 2010
Well put Jennie. Keep doing what your doing. Love this blog.
Meyhem
March 9, 2010
Sick em Jennie!
Mr. Professor was certainly an asshole. your pissed-offedness was completely justified in my opinion. Did you notice how this guy was too numb to be empathic? Mabye he is not as ok as he thinks he is.
Those people are out there. Trapped in their own addiction, functional addicts especialy, resent people who are getting better. So they lash out. You must have seen this before now – I am thinking of our unlamented friend Matt. (Hmm – I know he changed his email at least once…)
Whether I am right about this asshole or not – those nasty posts, wherever they come from, are designed to get a reaction. To quote the great Clint Eastwood “Don’t give the prick the satisfaction.”
Take care Jennie
Luck and Prayers
Meyhem
Jonathan
March 9, 2010
Jennie,
I am looking forward to Sober House.
Yeah, “C”s aren’t bad. In small numbers they can be educational and inspirational.
For the record “The Professor” (and Mary-Ann?) is not representative of me or of the 100s of college educators I know. To me he sounded clearly like an addict rationalizing his own drug use.
While I understand reacting to his comments and it gave you a nice chance to lay out some autobiographical data in a clear and heartfelt way. I want to remind you that there were 62 comments (so far) to that post and only one of them wasn’t saying how brave and inspiring you are. It saddens me to see that be the one that you listen to and take to heart.
TheKid420
March 9, 2010
While I could chew on this topic all day, I have found in my life it’s pointless to argue with people about weed. My own personal experience? I started at 13, have smoked pot almost everyday since being 16. I graduated with a 4.0 from my high school, 3.83 from a Big Ten school, and have worked for ten years at my job without ever missing a day or being late. Again, I smoke weed every day without exception. It’s my thing. Now do I advocate for others, that’s up to them. What I find shocking is that in 2010 there are still people acting like pot is a big deal. We all know the facts, never a single overdose, non addicting (I don’t want to hear that psychological addiction BS), innate receptors in a human brain just for THC. It’s impossible to classify weed in the some category as booze, cigarettes, or any other legal drug as it’s harmless in comparison. I appreciate very much that you stated you are still for legalization, that means a lot. Onto your professor.
I understand where he is coming from but I don’t think he has very much tact, that being said it plays into part 2 of my thoughts today.
For the most part this blog represents primarily two extremes. The majority of people who post here tend to deify your every action, it’s to the extent that you could blog you just picked an 8 ball and was doing rails and I think the majority would find a way to put a loving spin on it. The smaller minority go the other way like our old friend Mat or our new friend the Professor. They attack you in a way that’s equal parts obsessive, weird, and creepy. I’m not sure if you are indulging in either of these extremes it’s necessarily good. I have tried to do a good job of telling it like I see it whether I agree or disagree with you.
I sincerely hope the day comes where you have enough friends, a loving stable relationship with your dood, and peace with moms, so these public support groups aren’t necessary.
You are brilliant writer and communicator, and obviously beyond the standards of attractiveness that can be put in words. That being said, please don’t take my final thought personally or to be said in spite, it’s simply my opinion.
You seem to have an excessive need of constant attention and adoration. I believe the blog, the twitter, the tv shows, conventions, therapists, etc. all play into this. I’m not saying this is inherently a bad thing, but at the same time I wonder where you are ten years from now if this need is still present. I hope you will be in great relationship, with a family if you choose etc. but I don’t see this as being possible as long as you need to be in the public eye all the time. In fact, I would argue that chasing that will lead you right back to all the bad things you have distanced yourself from. Maybe something to think about?
Again, I just live day to day and don’t claim to have any higher knowledge, I could be wrong about everything who knows.
Jonathan
March 9, 2010
Well, Kid, I have always considered your comments on here paper thin attempts to justify your own drug use. “Jennie, can’t have a problem because that would mean I have a problem.” And when you are faced with direct claims that you might be full of shit, you immediately lash out and question the integrity and sanity of Jennie. If you had an ounce of courage you would take Jennie’s words and use them as an opportunity to honestly evaluate and assess your own life. Really dude, if your life were going as well as you say, you wouldn’t be on this blog posting. Obviously something here resonates and brings you back. Man up, listen to your better instincts and get some help.
firstverb
March 9, 2010
Miss Jennifer,
As for “mr professor” good riddance, one less hater on your blog like that is a bad thing. “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They’re either speaking or preparing to speak. They’re filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives.” Stephen Covey
I’m torn, do I or do I not watch the new rehab show. I want to watch it just to see you, and maybe hear some of those hiques, which you were twittering at the time. Or do I not watch it, you were then the newly recovering and going through some different stuff. I think I will watch it just to see a glimpse of your history as edited by vh1.
I am looking forward to your, “Last Call With Carson Daly” appearance. I have never watched an episode of Carson Daly, so I don’t know if it is recorded or live. I’m thinking that, he will probably dwell on and want to talk about the rehab show. I hope you either were or are able to relate some of the other aspects of your life during the show. Your art, your writing, your Mr. Man, and your continuing education, all the things that you are now. All the positives and goods in your travels to become the Jennifer Ketcham that you are now, and the journey towards the Jennifer that you will become.
“Don’t brood on what’s past, but never forget it either.” Thomas H. Raddall.
Have a glorious day.
firstverb
March 9, 2010
Miss Jennifer,
I just read over what I posted and am so sorry for misspelling the word haiku.
I hope your day has been wonderful, in spite of all the peculiar people on your bus trips.
Have a glorious day.
Lance
March 9, 2010
Jennie, you have wrote many times since you started this blog and explained in great detail how drugs were used to numb just as the sex was used as a diversion from feeling. This professor has no idea what he is talking about, it may be the drugs that have addled his brain.
Keep going strong and stick to your plan.
MalzyWheels
March 9, 2010
Go get ’em Tiger!
You’ve grown a lot in the past year. I so love that.
Courage
March 9, 2010
All my love to you from New Orleans, Darlin.
I’m proud of the way that you handled that professor’s comment. I’m also impressed (though not surprised) by how you continue to take accountability in your life.
Although I comprehend where the point that he had to make about people blaming outside substances for their short comings in life, I can also see that he was coming from a place of extreme frustration.
I personally think it’s *EXTREMELY* arrogant for someone/anyone to believe that just because they can do something, everyone else ought to be able to do it as well. Why does it stick in my claw so? Because it’s one of my own very fabulous defects that I have to work on.
I understand your passion too, and thank you for being vulnerable and courageous enough to share your experiences with us.
The wonderful thing about school is, you can always go back, and if not to UCLA then there are many other fine institutions of higher learning where people are happy to teach you IF YOU ARE WILLING TO LEARN.
My kisses to you from New Orleans.
C
L
March 9, 2010
People say the same thing about sex addiction, that it’s all just some myth cooked up by losers to evade responsibility for their actions. These folks clearly have no knowledge of steps 8&9, the painful process of cleaning up one’s mistakes. I wonder if Mr. Professor is as assiduous about assigning blame to himself for his actions as he is assigning blame to you? I personally think that it’s self-centered in the extreme to try to feel better about your own drug use/sexual behavior by trying to persuade someone that their addiction is all in their head.
Oh dear, that was kind of negative, wasn’t it?
Chris
March 9, 2010
You have nothing to apologize for. You are a saint for ignoring some of the comments I’ve seen on here. If you find one that you feel merits a response, by all means, please share with us.
Keep plugging away and know that for every asshat like him that posts, there are hundreds of us that support you and wish you nothing but success. All he’s trying to do is provide himself with a justification for continuing his behavior. Needing that justification is a huge clue that underneath it all, he knows he’s smoking too much.
I am really looking forward to SH2 next week so I can see what happened in that large quiet spot in the blog.
geo
March 9, 2010
Well felt. No need to apologize; even those of us who feel the same way need a good reminder every once in a while, a reality check of our own. I needed it, is what I’m saying. (I miss school.)
alex
March 9, 2010
Really glad you called him out–I wasn’t sure at first if that was the direction you were going with this entry, but it definitely warranted it. His experiences are NOT your experiences, and pretending that “recreational pot usage” in any way compares to addiction and the trauma that almost always accompanies it is ignorant, at best. There are layers upon layers of things that can happen in a person’s life that may make it difficult for them to be functional; simply saying “It’s YOU that’s the problem” only exacerbates any shame, self-hate and doubt a struggling individual may have. I truly hope Mr. Professor hasn’t caused harm for any of his students who may have desperately needed a little compassion or guidance, but I’m afraid it’s likely he already has.
Alan
March 9, 2010
fuck that guy, i have friends that have the same mentality as that professor. Some of my friends think that they can do everything under the sun and be fine as long as they balance it, and they look at everyone else like losers.
fuck him.
u’ll be fine in school.
marisa
March 9, 2010
You are a lovely and thoughtful woman. We are all our own special little brand of BS and that professor probably has 50 other issues he forgot to mention while he was snarking on you.
I’ve smoked pot every day for 20 years and it has ruined everything. I am as bad as Mike Starr. Shows like SH and CR help inspire people who can’t afford treatment. They really do.
Thanks Jennie,
Marisa
Meyhem
March 14, 2010
Marissa: NOBODY can afford treatment. Well, almost nobody. By the time we think we might need it, we have pissed away everything. I did it, Tom Sizemore did it, Almost everyone that I met in treatment had done it. Basicly my life (and most others) had died of neglect.
Almost every treatment center has a payment plan that is VERY generous. Most dont go to treatment until they have nowhere else to go. Do not let that stop you if you need help.
Luck and Prayers
Meyhem
Capolan
March 9, 2010
I find that people that use drugs to the level that you discuss are really self medicating at that point.
Why is it that there is a stigma to getting professional help vs. just getting high all day every day? This is self imposed bullshit. Psychological problems exist regardless of there being a prescription or not, but at least with a prescription you have a support network that doesn’t bottom out your life.
there is a huge difference between recreational use and using to avoid a personal problem.
Just think – some zoloft and your Cs might have been As. yes, it really can be that easy. It also can be gruellingly difficult, but nowhere in that difficulty do you hit rock bottom.
I hear users tell me about why they use and I recognize addictive personality types but I also hear excuse after excuse.
Me? – I’m a borderline personality disorder, and I’ve ruined many chances in my life, but I’ve never fallen victim to being a victim. things are MY FAULT. I’m wired differently and that is due to all sorts of things from my childhood – but you know what? Suck it up, and do something about it because in the end – the only one that really can help you, is you.
Shannon
March 9, 2010
OMG – I can’t believe that prof said that to you. That makes me so mad. I have been in awe of your recovery – its been a true honor to watch. I read some of your blogs on your old site after I read some on your new site and you have come so, so far. You can do anything you want and be whoever you want to be, you are smart, beautiful, witty and generous. He is full of it. Keep up the great work and I can’t wait to see you on Sober House!
shannon
March 9, 2010
My god…what am asshole….who says that? I think if i even went through half of what you did, i would have a problem focusing on school.
Forget him, who is he to judge everything you have overcame? This year will be different, i am sure that you will do great in school. =) Its funny, how we can have so many positive comments but chose to focus on the bad ones. what is it about someone disliking us that hurts so much? I for one, am happy to see how far you have come. you are truly an inspiration. Keep up the great work!
Theresa Jane
March 9, 2010
“No coping skills to deal with trauma.” Well stated. Where does one develope such skills? The fact is that we “develope” them as we experience the trauma. But sadly the “coping” can vary for each person as their own web of protection is spun. And that web is often a messy place that can often include drugs and drinking. Mine did. Anything to lift me out and numb the pain. I certainally didn’t have the skills, training, and understanding I possess today. There wasn’t a soul around “tipping” me off to how to “cope”/survive/get through without it completely messing me up in the process. Trauma is an evil that produces a tangle and we each need/deserve to be able to untangle it without reproach.
And I agree, drugs and/or drinking are not pleasure in any fashion. Anyone doing pot three times a week is an addict whether or not they wish to claim it as such. Personally I want zero addictions. So again, I join arms and mind with you Jennie and agree. You just keep going with your healing and ignore the “addicts” with guilt voices.
Theresa Jane
Sam
March 9, 2010
Good piece, don’t apologize 🙂
Invisible Mikey
March 9, 2010
Sorry homie upset you. Glad you found a way to write out your feelings about it.
I can’t advocate anyone smoking anything, period. Lung tissue dies from taking in any kind of smoke, not to mention the fact it will ruin your ability to sing. Sure it’s less dangerous than alcohol in an overall sense, but that’s like saying you’ll die more slowly from knife wounds than bullet wounds. It impairs your reaction time, so driving or operating machinery of any kind is dangerous.
I accept pot’s therapeutic uses to boost appetite during chemo, and for pain management, but it still should be eaten if at all possible.
TS
March 9, 2010
It’s weird how people feel the need to overreact. It’s especially odd when habitual marijuana smokers get up in arms, especially considering their whole deal is to downplay any and all adverse side effects of it and push the idea that it’s not a big deal. Unfortunate.
For the record I doubt that guy was even a professor. But [one of] his [many] problem[s], is that he protests too much. Just like the weird hesher rhetoric is a clear red flag to all non-smokers (like saying “I don’t have a drinking problem” or “I’m not insane”), what was essentially a text tantrum that he posted says more about how and what he feels than he realizes.
And I agree with the others that you shouldn’t let people like that bother you. Not only did he say he wouldn’t be reading anymore, I’d be willing to bet large amounts of money (if that were my thing) that he didn’t even fully read the entry he was bitching about- for a supposed professor, he shows an inability to understand context. Maybe he’s a scientist, or something?
That said, every once in a while, you gotta…you know…
But I also appreciated your reply because it gave you an opportunity to expound upon some things, and motivated you to blog. For example, I believe that’s the first time you’ve mentioned the 2003 rape here? I’ve only been reading this blog since you were on Loveline when the Sex Rehab show started (October some time? November?), so forgive me if it’s come up before. But that’s an important thing that I’ve never known about until now, same with pretty much everything else in this post.
I, for one, (not for one, but rather like most of your regular readers) appreciate the context. Thanks for sharing.
TS
March 9, 2010
By the way you gotta come back and do Loveline again when the Sober House show starts (or any time, really). I liked hearing you on the show!
warren
March 9, 2010
Don’t worry about what the haters say. Just keep going and persevering. Wish you the best.
Liese
March 9, 2010
Don’t apoligize for speaking the truth. Mr. Professor man is probably in some major denial, if he got so bent out of shape over your post. I saw nothing wrong with it. I didn’t see that you blamed drugs for everything wrong in your life. I thought you had clearly [at least to me]stated that it was all YOU who was abusing drugs and not caring.
Shannon
March 9, 2010
That professor is a major douche bag!!!! Keep doing what you are doing. You are an amazing woman working an amazing program!
Tony
March 9, 2010
I’m willing to bet that Mr. Professor will still read this blog, especially if word of your response gets back to him, in which it seems like he’d be the type of person to try to begin a huge internet battle. I also love how he makes a point to mention that nobody at his university has drug problems. While I can’t speak for the students he teaches, I find it highly unlikely that the entire student body of his university is completely clean and sober. It is college, after all.
So yeah, Mr. Professor, it’s great that you’re a college professor at an esteemed university… but it doesn’t give you the right to be a dick.
Dave
March 9, 2010
Cannabis is really good for the mind and body. People are curing themselves of cancer by eating large quantities of hash oil over time so I agree w/being against speaking about it. Believe it or not when you’re in the place where you just feel ‘normal’ when you smoke and don’t get as high from it that’s when your health is the best b/c you are endowed with cannabinoids. Cannabinoids kill mutated and cancerous cells in the body. It also stimulates new brain cell activity rather than killing them. Look up a PHD doctor named Bob Melamede and what he has to say about it. I’d love to see him debate Dr. Drew. You’ve been guilt tripped and propagandized by drug counselors who make their living in large part from the war on drugs in my opinion. Cocaine is just bad and has no redeeming qualities. A few years back a woman died at age 120 or something like that and it was revealed she smoked evertday.
Andy
March 9, 2010
I think the so called professor is having problems with seperating the pleasure and business as he put it. His comments to you prove that.
Ama
March 10, 2010
That professor is a liar and an inconsiderate person. Drug use can have severe impacts on cognitive ability and overall health, he has no right to speak for everyone. I doubt he’s a professor in a field that relates to the effects of drugs on the mind.
How he feels about drug use is inconsequential to your recovery. I commend you for speaking out about your own experience, instead of generalising it and being angry when not everyone shares it, as that professor did.
He clearly knows nothing about addiction.
Pete Schult
March 10, 2010
Nice post. I was also unimpressed with The Professor’s rant. As you point out, not everyone is the same. Some people alter their minds for pleasure and some to numb themselves. If Professor really is a professor, you probably don’t want to go back to school at their college. 🙂
jerry
March 10, 2010
Wow! I applaud Jennie’s recovery and I know from experience how hard it is changing your lifestyle and adjusting a brain that is adjusting to a sober life. It is hell, scary, so scary, and behemoth of an undertaking. I do however find the comments on this blog to be fair-weather comments and not necessarily truthful. I think it’s funny to see someone like the kid420 who has always praised Jennie finally disagree with her because it was something that affected him and he gets crapped on by everyone and called crazy, jealous, and mean. That is just crazy can’t anyone see that? Talk about group thought and questionable ethics! Jennie made fans by being an outspoken weed smoker! Glamourizing it and claiming functionality. This is a big debate. There are millions who smoke weed and try to justify it. I don’t smoke it and think it does hinder your ability to function 100% but that’s just my opinion and there are alot of people who would disagree, mainly potsmokers. The point is there are alot of respectable potsmokers out there who smoke weed and are successful in personal and professional aspects of their lives and now Jennie is finally realizing she can’t have her cake and eat it too. She is realizing advocating recreational pot smoking is in direct contradiction to a sober drug free lifestyle. She can’t say one thing and do another. That is being a fake person. I know there are shades of gray in our lives and there is no clear cut answer but sometimes you have to say what you believe even if it alienates people. You can’t expect everyone to like you even when you are truthful.
Jacki
March 11, 2010
It’s surreal to me how much people feel they have “permission” to pass judgement on someone else’s life experience. A lot has already been said about the difference between an addicted and non-addicted brain (although I’m not so sure how non-addicted someone is who has to smoke marijuana 3/week…)
Your life speaks to me on such a deep level. I lived a crazy sex-addicted (self-destructive) when I was a teenager and young adult. My way of dealing with just about everything I didn’t like about my life was to walk away and not look back… You are so brave to actually face and feel the feelings and deal with how all those experiences deeply affected you. Your “fans” reach all the way to a middle aged woman who has hidden her “disreputable” past for years… Thank you for being so humble and beautiful as to share something that others (including me) hide in shame. You make a difference.
Carlos
March 12, 2010
ha. yeah. i really enjoyed this post. uh, i would say addicts in general, through learning about themselves, start to see bullshit like a flashing neon sign, inconsistant arguements in particular. most addicts also understand the difference between recreational use and self-medication. oddly, when in the thrall of using we see it as recreational, and when we recognize it as a problem the same thing becomes self-medicating…but i digress. well, i’ll not take up too much time. good luck with you finding yourself. i find when it comes to that i’m always in the last place i look. damn you Bukowski!
Simon from Oz
March 12, 2010
If he is a professor I’m a friggin brain surgeon….Go for it Jen I am actually enjoying your blog and seeing you progress x
shan n
March 12, 2010
Bravo
Well done
So Crimson and Red
March 12, 2010
On the school part. I know that you know that there are things that are called the same but are not the same in a sense. It’s good your going to assist a UC in L.A. but it’s sometimes better to chanllenge yourself even more than from what you can do right now. I’m not saying you’re not doing so already. But in terms of UCs it’s better if you would go to the California State University (UC Berkeley) not only does it chanllege you but when you try to land in a job or open a practice, people tend to have more of a confidence with whatever you’re doing depending in what you majored. This goes in a much more of a depth explaination which I don’t mind explaining but it feels like I’m going to write a fucking essay if I try to write now.
“Hate can be a positive emotion when it forces you to better yourself”
Brendan
March 12, 2010
I’ve enjoyed watching your metamorphosis over the last year. I’m glad you are finding peace and calmness after some very nerve-wracking (possibly nerve-wrecking?) years. Most of all I am glad that you got out of the fast lane lifestyle of drugs and porn that has led to the deaths of many young people. I am commenting, however, to object to your implication that a professor who smokes ganja is not in his right mind. If he chooses to show up for class and lecture while high, then he is just plain dumb and THAT would be his main deficiency, not the ganja glow in his head. Herb has been used medicinally, spiritually, and recreationally for millennia, especially in south Asia . . . in fact it is still used by, among others, Sufi pirs and Shaiva sadhus who withdraw from the material/civilized world. Since such extreme renunciation is anathema to our materialistic culture, they are seen by westerners as “not in their right minds” . . . I just wanted to point out that that is a rather subjective and culturally arbitrary judgment.
I enjoy reading your posts. To me the recent rehab/recovery phenomenon still seems a bit cultish, so you are teaching me. In this recovery world, everything seems black and white, moderation is not an option, all mind-altering substances are verboten (except caffeine and nicotine, i guess?), and if anyone ‘relapses’ then they’re expected to feel shame and failure. I was shocked to hear Dr. Drew say on Rehab season 3 that if you drink to relax you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Why the hell do people drink if not to relax? There are many other non-alcoholic beverages one could imbibe. Alcohol, however, has a physiological effect. If you drink primarily to reach oblivion, then you probably have a problem. If, however, you drink two or three beers to relax, is that unhealthy because you were seeking relaxation? Sure there are other healthier ways to relax, and one sure make use of those at least as much as the less healthy option. But for Dr. Drew to suggest that one ought never drink with the intention of relaxing . . . it strikes me as a bit extreme.
I think people can obsess over all sorts of things. When people obsess over fundamental aspects of life, like food or sex, it can be very difficult to get one’s life on an even keel. When people obsess about drugs, especially the more addictive ones, they can spiral into self-destruction. Nevertheless, I believe that it is possible to beneficially use certain drugs, even when they are not medically necessary . . . if in the right context. There are many studies on Native American tribal use of peyote, for instance. (Often elders use these ceremonies to convert the young men in their tribe away from alcohol use; they call peyote medicine, and alcohol poison.) I just hate to see “drugs” treated in such a blanket fashion. The real problem in our society, if you want my humble opinion, is the super-saturation of deadly and addictive pharmaceuticals prescribed by doctors and pushed by the drug industry. Anyway, got my rant out. Sorry to vent. Stay strong and keep posting!!
shanti
Brendan
steev
March 14, 2010
i think comments like the professor made were for reasons like this. because its sort of a public forum (weird way to put it) his opinion incited a really insightful and i’m glad i read it. i feel the same way with why people turn to drugs. i have seen many people caught in a limbo between afraid to live a sober life and afraid to die who have resorted to narcotics in order to ‘maintain’. I have always thought that all drugs effect everyone differently, and even that changes over time on an individual case. I used to be able to ‘mix work and play’ and all I was left with was vague watered down memories of being high at work and the uncomfortable feeling that I blew thousands in earnings on drugs. Now that i’m clean I can look back and see how what ‘worked’ for me before was not sustainable. I too have seen many friends pass away, or dig themselves into holes with unsavory characters.
Emily
March 16, 2010
Preach it, Sister!
John
March 17, 2010
Learn to embrace your natural weirdness.
Jawnbc
March 23, 2010
Hello! I may or may not have seen you on Celebrity something or other. But you’re giving a talk in a friend of mine’s class over at Hahvahd tomorrow apparently. And I found your blog here.
20 years ago last Thursday I got sober. at that point in my life I’d lost nearly everything: job, partner, home, family, any $. I had a Jansport backpack with a couple of days shirts and undies, my passport and really nothing else. I was also extricated myself from a shitty relationship (partner. ha!). Better to be NFA than dead.
I had finished college…barely. In high school I was a walking Afterschool special: honor student who drank at lunchtime, closeted homo looking for a saviour in all the wrong places, and I very nearly didn’t graduate. I got into a great college…and new it’d be a waste of time and debt…so I picked another school. And flunked–I mean drunked–out. But I scrambled to another school and managed to get a BA.
So at 26 it started to change. It took 7 years sober before I could consider going back to school. I ended up with a PhD. I’m not a prof, but I have been. I wanted to live in Vancouver more than I wanted to be a prof. Unlike at 25, that was a choice rather than what just sorta happened.
A lot of people–like professor dude it sounds like–are very invested in the myth that they 100% control their own destinies. That every action that reflects a choice in their lives works the same in everyone else’s. And sometimes they point at someone like me–NFA queer drunk cum PhD–as proof of this. When I am the exception.
The paradox is that once I figured this out I was no longer a prisoner of it. I found that if I was sober I had more power. Took a while to get that, and to work it in a way that was positive.
Education is power: formal or not, for a credential or not, giving you job skills or not. Education is power.
Matt
March 24, 2010
I’ve always been a pot smoker, and as much as I want to say it’s helping me deal with anxiety, it’s really just masking it. I have kind of a nothing life, being unable to get a job or really connect with people for fear of rejection. I have to keep myself distracted to stop from getting depressed. Mostly I use pot and my computer. It’s kind of a vicious cycle. I’m looking for other ways of dealing with my anxiety that are more productive. Fears seem to multiply in my head if I don’t deal with them. Sometimes I’ll just start thinking that I’ll never be able to make anything of my life, that there’s something intrinsically wrong with me. I feel doomed, like my future will be a total disaster. But I know that it’s the easy way to wallow in hopelessness than actually do something about it.
Robin Hale
April 4, 2010
Addiction is so much more prevalent than we choose to see or recognize here is America. It is not just the obvious neighborhoods and people…Addiction has permeated every economic level, every type of individual, every age group. Most people would be amazed. It is time to provide help for this serious disease.
Robin
Michael
April 6, 2010
There is help, Robin.
The problem is, that help won’t work until NOTHING else works, until we let go and quit managing.
Preventing addiction has proved to be a hopeless task, and halting supply has been an utter failure, with even CA’s infamous solitary confinement prison, Pelican Bay, having regular drug access for inmates.
If you can’t keep a closed prison clean, you can’t keep ANYONE clean who doesn’t want to be.