I’ve heard the phrase “Monday Blues” my entire adult life, and have never given much thought to what it actually means. Partially because Friday and Monday had little difference to me due to the strange pornographic work schedule, partially because if I did happen to work on a Monday, the majority of porn companies didn’t start before 10 and I’d be home smoking pot by 4. Tomorrow is a big, different kind of Monday for me, and while the winds of change are positive and smell of the sweet success of being an active part of society, this particular Monday is going to be a tough one. A big, tough, really long Monday.
The winds of change I spoke of are my return to school, and even though I’m only taking three classes, I feel the pressure of a million elephants on my shoulders. I’m also looking and planning for the future. Which is a new thing for me. For example, I can apply to UCLA this fall, 2010, but I think I’d have a better chance of being accepted if I were to spend the next year getting my g.p.a. up, and back into the swing of school. I’d also like to apply to Cal Berkeley, and in order to do so, need to take another 5 courses to fulfill all the prerequisites. Which is fine. I need to get used to being in school again. But those 5 courses are no joke, not the light fluffy English classes I ace with no problem. They are courses like physics and anatomy, physiology, and biology. Big, heavy classes to go with a big heavy Monday. So I’m stuck between taking 3 and 4 classes, I don’t want to overload myself and end up dropping courses, but I also want to look good for future transcripts, to show that I am taking school seriously, and can handle a full load of 12 or 13 units. I’m presently enrolled in 2 classes, am trying to crash another 1 or 2, and tomorrow is a full day with all the classes, whether I can actually enroll in them or not.
In addition to school from 8:00am to 3:30, I’m also working from 4:00 to 9:00, so there will be a black change of clothes in my already full backpack, some make up, and comfortable shoes. My my how times have changed. My bag used to be packed with stilettos and fake hair. Now loaded to the brim with books and flats, the bag I carry also carries purpose. Even if that purpose exhausts me.
I also received the last set of notes for my proposal yesterday, my agent Terra has done an incredible amount of work, and I am just so grateful to have her in my court. So school, work, book, boyfriend, love, intimacy, future… This shit is really happening. I suppose I’m just in shock. I have to remind myself that this is the life I’ve wanted. This is the full life recovery promises. These are the promises coming true, right before my very eyes. Dreams and promises I didn’t know I wanted when I walked in the doors of Pasadena Recovery Center, a life I didn’t think possible when I woke up to strangers calling me Jennie. When I woke up to myself.
So the Monday Blues are real. While I am not blue, I am admittedly stressed about the fullness of my day. I know it will be okay, as everything always seems to be. And I know this kind of Monday will not be every Monday forever, an addict line of thinking I fall into more often than not. This kind of full day will pass, and provide for an even fuller future, where Monday doesn’t have to be a 13 hour day. Saucy is farting, Mr. Man is cooking beautiful bone in rib eye steaks, and Sunday night remains a Sunday night. So I will stay right here, enjoy right now, and when tomorrow comes, I will go moment by moment, until I’m back home, relaxing on my couch, and feeling satisfied for completing my first official day of being a full time student and part time worker.
A life. A full, beautiful, and happy life.
Becoming Jennie 
Jonathan
August 29, 2010
As a former college professor and long time student I would say sign up for the 4th class, but keep in mind when the drop date is and check your overall progress in time to drop it if you have to. That way you can “keep” your 3 best classes after some time to figure out which those are.
Even if you drop one, you have a jump on taking it next time.
Good luck! You are better prepared for it than you think. School is easy, life is hard.
Jon
August 29, 2010
Welcome back to the Living. So happy to follow your progress. I just got my 5 year “No Meth” Chip from Celebrate recovery and I’m closing on my first house. # cars, three kids, and a single dad. Somedays are overwhelming, but every day is better that being consumed with addiction. My love to you and yours. God Bless.
Willis
August 29, 2010
College is coool. It’s so weird how everyone puts so much thought into how they dress. It’s fun fashion crazy. Did we do that in highschool? I didn’t, and I didn’t notice. I’ve been in college for two years now, and you know what’s great? Notecards.
Eddy
August 29, 2010
I hope I can get to the place you are, and beyond. My recovery has just begun and the mountains I have to climb seem out of reach. One day at a time…
pragmatic realist
August 29, 2010
Welcome to the world, Jennie. :-))
amy83031
August 30, 2010
Hi Jennie,
I just started the 12 Steps in July. I have been sober since July 21, 2010. I will be taking a college class myself starting on Sept. 8. You are an inspiration!
firstverb
August 29, 2010
Miss Jennifer,
As with all things that you do, whatever you do, you always try to be the very best. This adds stress yet also makes you so good at everything you do. Yes Mondays are blue; a lot of the guys I work with wear blue on Monday just to help mark the day. Mondays are what make the weekends so much fun. You will do great tomorrow, and the next, and the next, until you’re done. Here you are at the beginning again, doing what needs to be done. Close to 17 months ago you started another beginning, you worked so hard and you have made it here. I see you doing great and any problems which you experience won’t be from lack of determination. What I am concerned about is the rerunning of The View on Wednesday. It will give you publicity for your book and your blog true, but will also put it back out there of what you use to do. Why can’t they just let you be, allow you to get on with this new life which you and Mr. Man have created together. I look forward to the day when someone speaks of Jennifer Ketcham the first thing they think of is, Oh the author, or the painter or the psychologist, or what ever you end up becoming when this stage of your journey is complete. And one day you might even be that mom in the PTA that rules with an iron fist, yeah I can totally see that. Be well and happy with the knowledge that there are many people out here hoping and praying for you.
Have a glorious day.
Kevin
August 30, 2010
School will be different for you this time around. In spite of the icks that come with it, when you really want to be in school and not have to be, you take ownership of it. It makes you more willing and able.
Full loads are rough, but common and do-able. In addition, Monday’s really aren’t all that bad. Blue Monday is a story made up by someone who wanted to assign a label to their own personal misery. In truth, Monday is just another day like any other full of new firsts, and opportunities. I’m so excited for.
Tony
August 30, 2010
My life is pretty insignificant… for too bring to deserve a memoir. However, if it ever reached that point, I would want you to write it.
Every post is almost like a chapter in a book of wisdom that never ends, a book that moves and inspires many people to better themselves in the manner that you have done for your own life. You truly have a wonderful gift, and I’m glad to see you doing so well at this stage in your recovery.
Best wishes to you in all your endeavors. 🙂
Rich
August 30, 2010
Hi Jennie,
Yea for you! I have followed your blog from day 1 and the positive changes you have made are great! Keep up the good work. I started grad school when I was about 7 years sober and it did take me some time to get back in the swing of the whole school routine. I had to be careful not to take on too much at first, but after a couple of semesters I was able to achieve some balance. Decide how many classes you think you can handle and then subtract 1 for the “alcoholic factor” 🙂 and you will be fine. You don’t have to impress anyone, even admissions people. You are doing this for you and nobody else! Good luck, I’ll send positive thoughts your way!
Jim
August 30, 2010
Your story and growth, even aside from recovery and addiction, is incredibly inspiring. For what it’s worth, this stranger is incredibly proud of you. Keep pushing through the tough days, becuase from everything I’ve seen you do I’m sure that there are big, important things waiting for you.
albok
August 30, 2010
Did anyone read what Jennie’s major is for college? Her courses don’t make any sense. Physics is a hardcore science class and is a waste of time except for science or engineering. Physiology is only useful for the health professions and sciences. If you aren’t majoring in these (which I doubt she is) she would be much better off taking easy non-math survey courses to fulfill electives in them while concentrating on her major. Take this from experience. A bad GPA in a unconcentrated major will not get you anywhere in life. Heck a good GPA in an unconcentrated major probably won’t either. Double heck, a college degree doesn’t even get you that far (read “Rich Dad Poor Dad” and http://www.martynemko.com/articles/americas-most-overrated-product-higher-education_id1539 .
Stephers
August 30, 2010
Been there Jenn…twice. When I went for my 2 year degree, it took me a year from the date that I decided that I was going back to school to actually start. This time was a bit easier. You’ll be great! Hope you had an awesome first day back. I know that can be the hardest.
manderz
August 30, 2010
yay jennie! i am so happy for you!! ❤
Holli
August 30, 2010
Good for you! I’m happy to see you succeeding…. I watched part of your recovery process when you were with Dr. Drew and I’m definitely sending positive thoughts your way. You deserve this good life!!
CanadaPat
August 30, 2010
Once again heart warming honesty and vulnerability by a sweet and charming go-getter that I admire and envy to no end. Just remember that the worst is over and the worst damage college can do to you is a bad mark on a piece of paper that has nothing to do with the amazing and deserving human being you are.
CanadaPat
August 30, 2010
Once again heart warming honesty and vulnerability by a sweet and charming go-getter that I admire and envy to no end! 🙂
Just remember that the worst is over and the only terrible damage college can do to you is a bad mark on a piece of paper that has nothing to do with the amazing and deserving human being you are. You don’t have to attach emotionally to any one you don’t want to and so you don’t have to feel vulnerable to anyone you don’t want to.
You ARE brilliant, brave and strong.
If 8 years in the porn biz hasn’t destroyed you mind, body and soul then nothing will.
rob
August 30, 2010
Jenn, Just a few words. Regardless where you’re going I’m sure you’ll do fine. I may piss a few people of with this suggestion but so be it. I finished a stint teaching biology and subbing for A&P, and most of the other ‘ology’s” as well, at the University level in the midwest. However, I’ve attended Community College as well. I’ve also been consulted by several community colleges and have examined the curriculum of numerous community colleges in association with my previous teaching position in an effort to determine the differences between their curriculum difficulty level and the University’s as it can be an important factor in assessing the needs of incoming students. Out of all of the community colleges I have examined I have found one “Constant.” All of their science courses are considerably easier to complete successfully than at the University level. It’s not that they teach you any less, but they definately water the tests down considerably. This stems largely from the difference in philopshies of the institutions. Community colleges generally have professor’s who genuinely CARE about your success and the major Universities could CARE LESS (I’m sure you’ve heard this before. University professors are concerned with their research more than students and half the time you’ll have a student teacher). Of course I was different:) Yes, this is a generalization, but I’ve found it to be a pretty consistent one. My point: I’m sure you’ll do fine wherever you’re at: You’re very bright. However, if you’re at a University and find it overwhelming, consider the Community College curriculum. If you are enrolled in a community college, nevermind:) You won’t have a problem and just wasted time.
David
August 30, 2010
Awesome
Zephyr
August 30, 2010
Congratulations on approaching a stressful Monday with an improving awareness.
If you’re looking for a helpful mindfulness practice, I recommend Full Catastrophe Living by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn.
Be well.
Shannon
August 30, 2010
I am so glad that you are doing well Jennie. You are an amazing woman working an amazing program!!!!
L.C.
August 31, 2010
Dear Jennie,
As an outsider looking at you only through your writing I am struck how the voice you use does not change. Interesting because you have changed and evolved in so many ways but yet your voice stays the same inquisitive and enthusiastic. Just guessing but it seems like: the raucous days were a barrier to human connection, the first stages after Pasadena Recovery Center were erecting boundaries and now you are enjoying a life without limits. Marshall Rosenberg says everything we do is meet our own needs no matter how altruistically or destructively disguised. The latter is more recognizable as a paradox or catch-22.
To badly paraphrase Rosenberg, we all carve, connection, interdependence, for people to hear and empathize with our needs, for ourselves to be clear of our needs, not meet our needs at the expense of others. These qualities may not be recognized or taught in school or understood by parents. However these qualities may have ensured our survival when we lived in caves and needed each other or the group died.
A simple rearrangement of your words is rather startling, “Dreams and promises I didn’t know I wanted … school, work, book, boyfriend, love, intimacy, future…” Just guessing but is it the same voice, same you, but what a different paradigm and strategy for getting what you apparently wanted then and now. Wow.
Sounds like you are swamped with wonderful things. Mr. Man may want to check out “Non-Violent Commutation” works of Marshall B. Rosenberg. They are sort of a very direct way walking the journey you seem to have undertaken. Study hard, be connected, life is still a jungle, good luck, Kid. LC
Lisa
August 31, 2010
You are awesome! You’ll do great.
Davy
August 31, 2010
“…courses like physics and anatomy, physiology, and biology.”
Perhaps I’ve forgotten but what occupation exactly are you studying for? Those above would be for a BS degree. Aren’t you more of a BA girl? Except for the foreign language requirement, a whole lot easier to accomplish than all those high-powered science classes; not to mention the maths, such as calculus with analytic geometry which you’ll need as a prerequisite for physics.
You’d be better off to stick to the arts.
Steve in T.O
August 31, 2010
I must admit that I too am a bit baffled at what you’re taking in school. I thought courses of a more artistic nature would be more your thing. Fine art, journalism even.
Well, I’m sure you have a plan.
MBA = mediocre, but arrogant. 😉
Blue
August 31, 2010
So happy that you know have a ‘weekend’ to experience. Hope you enjoyed it, and Good luck in those classes. I have College algebra, Biology, and Humanities all for fun this semester. Just keep your homework you and you should b fine.
Paul C.
August 31, 2010
I have to disagree with the comments made by rob and Davy above. I taught physics in two community colleges in my previous life, and taught it at various levels, from a calculus-based course for students continuing on to a four-year engineering degree, to an algebra and trignonometry-based course for computer science and non-engineering students heading for a four-year school, to a similar but mathematically lighter course for students getting a two-year technical degree, to a course essentially eschewing math that was meant to retrain blue-collar workers who had lost their jobs of thirty years through no fault of their own. The quality of the course and the quality of the education received are not as dependent upon the level of the institution nor the degree it offers, as they are to the amount of dedication to the subject demonstrated by the teacher and the student, and the ability of the two to work towards the mutually satisfying goal of teaching the student to teach him/herself. I never watered down my tests for the engineering students (even though they were at a mere “community college”) and tried to gear the exams and quizzes in the less mathematically rigorous versions to the abilities of the students and the goals of the course. rob has it right when he says that community colleges are more concerned about the students than major institutions, but that is in part because they are COMMUNITY colleges that serve the needs of the people in their vicinity, and in part because they are more dependent upon the enrollment and funding obtained from that community than from research-oriented grants.
I don’t know why a psychology major would necessarily need anatomy and physiology, and I’m sure I could make a case for biology if I thought about it hard enough, but I’ll leave that to those better versed in those subjects than I. Permit me to put in a plug for physics. The most important things you can come away with from a physics class are these: the ability to teach yourself (true of any well-taught course), the ability to analyze objectively and in spite of your personal beliefs or feelings (a good skill for a psychologist, especially a therapist), an appreciation for the Scientific Method (formulation of hypotheses, creation of experiments that will prove or disprove the hypotheses, analysis of the experimental results and reformulation or repudiation of the hypotheses, and the iterative application of these techniques to ultimately arrive at some kind of objective “truth”), and a newly awakened and continually regenerated sense of curiosity and wonder at the world and its workings (however you perceive them or believe them to have originated). If more people in this country took physics (and you CAN take it without subjecting yourself to heavy duty math, or any math for that matter), the country, its scientific institutions, the governmental bodies (legislative and otherwise) that determine policies relating to science and the environment, and the public discourse overall would all benefit greatly.
As of this writing, it looked (from your tweets) that you weren’t going to get into the physics class you wanted/needed. Not sure how you felt about that, or if I understood the situation correctly, but I’ll say this: if you do get into a class, now or later, and ever find yourself stumped with a problem or in need of another set of eyes to help you analyze something, don’t be afraid to send an email. Teaching was the closest thing I ever had to a calling, and it’s somehow in my DNA. I’m always willing to help anyone who’s willing to learn. And you, Jennie, are obviously VERY willing to learn. It would be my pleasure and honor to contribute in some way, however slight.
Good luck and all the best.
spawnyboy
August 31, 2010
I can’t tell you how proud I am of you Jenny, you are on your way to the goals that are really worth living for. You will know what it is like to work and study hard, and when you reach your goal the gratification of knowing you earned it every inch of the way. You’re gonna do great my dear.
Greg
August 31, 2010
Jennie,
It’s not a blue Monday, it’s a wonderful day. OMG…My heart is so full for you. I am actually getting to hear you sound like someone that is going to get to experience life as a kid.
I have to agree with Jonathan that school is the easy part, but as smart and as beautiful as you are inside and out, your life is going to be so beautiful and rich. As well as you write and add in the paintings, I am going to assume you are going to have right brain tendencies.
My wife who has a whole wall full of degrees is an artist and has struggled with math all her life and continues to this day. So, why not focus on your strengths?
Art, literature, film, English.
I have more than enough degrees and after all these years and all the degrees. There is nothing more potent nor invigorating than the search for knowledge. OOHHH how proud of you I am.
Take in the smell of the school on the first day of class. Let those first day jitters remind you of a time gone by. Imbibe all around you and take the time to enjoy the journey and realize what it’s about. It’s not about anything but you.
I won’t mention my GPA, but it is rather high and I was standing outside with a group of people in my doctoral program and one of the people said that B’s were okay. I started to say something, but I held my tongue and didn’t. During spring break of the first year his wife had a baby and in May was diagnosed with colon cancer, then liver cancer. She was only 27 at the time.
I have lived to see my children grown and well educated, my daughter speaks 4 foreign languages. But I decided right then and there that B’s are okay.
I learned more in that one semester than I had in a long time and none of it was in a text book. B’s and C’s are okay, make the journey count!!!!
Smile when you can and as much as you can and love everybody and make those around you smile every chance you get!!!
Meg
September 1, 2010
I’m proud of you, Miss Jennie.
Stewart
September 1, 2010
Jenny, by the time you read this the Monday will be well past and you will have done it! I am so happy for you having followed your blog for quite some time now. You know its a funny thing but you will find the busier you become the more you will be able to do. So dont be afraid of taking on too much. Best wishes from Scotland, I just wish I could send you some Scottish heather for luck!
stewart
September 1, 2010
Hi Jennie. By the time you read this your Monday will be a memory and you will have had a chance to relax a bit and reflect on what an achievement you have accomplished. I have been following your progress for quite some time now and I have to tell you that I am very happy for you and the place that you are in your life now. The best is yet to come girl! Dont be too afraid of taking on too much at college. you know the busier you are the more you will be able to acomplish. sounds crazy but its true. theres an old saying here in Scotland that says “if you want something done, ask a busy person”. lol. Anyway best wishes to you and yours for the future from Bonnie Scotland. I wish I could send you a bit of our heather for luck but something tells me you wont really need it. God bless.
Bernard
September 1, 2010
One important thing to remember is:
Calculus is applied Algebra and Physics is Applied Calculus. My best suggestion to you is to at least part Calc I prior to taking a physics course. This way you will have the mathematical background for the course.
Shannon
September 3, 2010
The promises do come true!!!!!
Kathleen
December 26, 2010
So glad you’re happy 🙂